FARK.com: (6842745) Displaced hoser tries to discern meaning of Canadian Christmas by listening to 12 straight hours of Canadian artists' greatest holiday albums and songs. "Why didn't anyone prepare me for how awful Rita MacNeil is?"

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		Displaced hoser tries to discern meaning of Canadian Christmas by listening to 12 straight hours of Canadian artists' greatest holiday albums and songs. "Why didn't anyone prepare me for how awful Rita MacNeil is?" (avclub.com)		40
		More: Amusing, Christmas music, Canadian Christmas, yuletide, Canada, Jason Mraz, Diana Krall, Vince Guaraldi, Sarah McLachlan

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40 Comments (+0 »)

Mentat

2011-12-24 12:04:36 AM

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Beer!

vossiewulf

2011-12-24 12:51:44 AM

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 2 amber ales and a beer in a christmas tree!

dmc001

2011-12-24 05:23:22 AM

Oh how did I know that godawful Corey Hart version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer would be mentioned? That steaming pile makes my ears bleed. It's better than (non-Canadian) Paul McCartney's horrible "Simply Havin' a Wonderful Christmas Time" as far as audio torture goes, though...

apoptotic

2011-12-24 05:34:45 AM

Mentat: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Beer!

By omitting that and the Irish Rovers' "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", displaced hoser dude failed miserably.

swahnhennessy

2011-12-24 05:54:11 AM

I annually subject myself to at least one Anne Murray song at Christmas. Not sure why. She isn't "traditional" in the sense of Bing Crosby or Jim Reeves, and she's whiter than Perry Como. I guess she pretty much encapsulates the season for me - bland, overdone and tacky, but with a sense that it is your duty to participate on some level, even if it is half-assed and bad.

nakedcritic

2011-12-24 06:11:47 AM

5 golden tuques!

weirdneighbour

2011-12-24 06:27:29 AM

She may not be the best singer but she is a good sport. ergo her Trailer Park episode.

dmc001

2011-12-24 06:29:02 AM

I wonder if Gowan did a Christmas song?

rikkards

2011-12-24 06:29:58 AM

dmc001: Oh how did I know that godawful Corey Hart version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer would be mentioned? That steaming pile makes my ears bleed. It's better than (non-Canadian) Paul McCartney's horrible "Simply Havin' a Wonderful Christmas Time" as far as audio torture goes, though...

Biggest mistake is trying to use Ottawa as an example of a happening time for concerts. This city is the worst. The gravity attraction between the seats and the ass is amazing

swaxhog

2011-12-24 07:06:58 AM

rikkards: Biggest mistake is trying to use Ottawa as an example of a happening time for concerts.

The city that fun forgot.

D_Moran

2011-12-24 07:27:25 AM

What about Paul Anka?

Glenford

2011-12-24 07:58:38 AM

D_Moran: What about Paul Anka?

I love that Kia commercial.

"I'll do the singing, you just enjoy it up there, will ya?"

Le Geno Vert

2011-12-24 08:00:28 AM

No Stompin Tom Connors?

Meh.

Ghost Roach

2011-12-24 08:54:13 AM

D_Moran: What about Paul Anka?

Ironically, Paul Anka was born in Ottawa ... take from that what you will

BIGNICKEL

2011-12-24 09:02:56 AM

rikkards: .

Biggest mistake is trying to use Ottawa as an example of a happening time for concerts. This city is the worst. The gravity attraction between the seats and the ass is amazing

Best phrase evar

Nemo's Brother

2011-12-24 09:32:55 AM

It's funny how adamant Canadians are about listening to Canadian artists. They even have laws in place forcing stations to playing it.

jaytkay

2011-12-24 10:09:48 AM

Canadian Christmas. Funny. Can't wait to hear about the Canadian 4th of July in a few months.

oldebayer

2011-12-24 10:27:29 AM

No such collection is complete without this:

Bob: Okay, good day, this is our Christmas part of the album, and you can play this at your Christmas parties, uh, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothing else to do.

Doug: Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part!

Bob: Oh, I guarantee ya, you'd be on. ] Okay, so, good day, this is the Christmas part, and, we're gonna tell you what to get, uh, your true love for Christmas.

Doug: Look out the window!

Bob: Where?! Whadda ya doing?

Doug: Snow, hosehead.

Bob: Wha? Oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing, cause it's Christmas time. Hey, hoser!

Doug: What?

Bob: Here's a quiz. Quiz for Doug.

Doug: Okay, I have my thinking touque on.

Bob: Yeah, right. What are the twelve days of Christmas? Cause, figure it out, right. Christmas is when?

Doug: Uh, the 25th.

Bob: Right, and what's the 24th, Christmas Eve, right? So, that's two. And then, what's after that?

Doug: Um... Uh, Wrestling Day.

Bob: No. Get out.

Doug: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.

Bob: That's three. Then what's after that? Nothing.

Doug: New Year's.

Bob: Four. And what's...

Doug: New Year's Eve.

Bob: Five. Where do you get twelve?

Doug: Uh... There's two Saturdays and Sundays in there, that's four. That's nine. And, three other days, which I believe are the mystery days. (Music starts.)

Bob: Okay now. This is our Christmas song, in case you don't know what to get somebody for Christmas.

Doug: There's lots of ideas in here, so, listen, and don't get stuck.

Bob: Okay.

Doug: By the way, that's me on the organ.

Bob: Aw, geez.

Doug: You start.

Bob: Okay. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a beer.

Doug: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: two turtlenecks,

Bob: And a beer. (Okay...) On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French toast,

Doug: Two turtlenecks,

Bob: And a beer. (Okay...)

Doug: There should be more there, eh?

Bob: Where? On the... go.

Doug: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: four pounds of backbacon,

Bob: Three French toast,

Doug: Two turtlenecks,

Bob: And a beer.

Doug: In a tree. See, you need more.

Bob: Fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: five golden touques!

Doug: Four pounds of backbacon,

Bob: Three French toast,

Doug: Two turtlenecks,

Bob: And a beer, what was it?

Together: In a tree!

Bob: Okay, on the sixth... go.

Doug: Of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six packs of two-four,

Bob & BG Singers: Five golden touques!

Doug: Four pounds of backbacon,

Bob: Three French toast,

Doug: Two turtlenecks,

Bob: And a beer,

Together: In a tree!

Bob: Okay.

Doug: Okay.

Bob: On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: seven packs of smokes,

Doug: (Nice gift...) Oh, six packs of two-four! (BG Singers also sing "nice gift".)

Bob & BG Singers: Five golden touques!

Doug: Four pounds of backbacon,

Bob: Three French toast,

Doug: Two turtlenecks,

Bob: And a beer, Together: In a tree!

Bob: Right, I keep forgetting.

Doug: Phew! This should just be the two days of Christmas, it's too hard for us!

Bob: Um...

Doug: Go, hoser.

Bob: Oh.

Together: Eigth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Doug: Eight comic books,

Together w/BG singers (but unsynchronized): Seven packs of smokes, six packs of two-four,

(Bob and Doug quit singing.)

BG Singers: Five golden touques! Four pounds of backbacon, three French toast, two turtlenecks,

All: And a beer,

Doug: On my tree!

Bob: Yeah. That beer's empty. Okay. Day,

BG Singers: Twelve!

Bob: Uh, tweleve.

Doug: Good day, and welcome to day twelve.

BG Singers: Five golden touques!

All: Four pounds of backbacon, three French toast, two turtlenecks, and a beer, in a tree!

Bob: Beauty, eh?

Doug: Where'd you learn to do that?

Bob: Uh, albums.

Doug: Boy. So, like, that's our song, Merry Christmas...

Bob: Merry Christmas!

Doug: And good day!

Bob: Good day, everybody. Happy New Year, too. Sheesh. Okay, you know what you left out?

Doug: What?

Bob: Donuts - I told you to get me donuts! Either on the ninth day or the tenth day, or the eleventh day, I wanted donuts!

Doug: Okay, the song's over.

Bob: But I want...

Doug: Merry Christmas, everybody!

Bob: Or on the twelfth day, you coulda got me a dozen donuts.

Doug: So, go out to the stores, and get some presents.

Bob: You coulda gone down to, like, the good donut shop, where if you buy a dozen, you get another one
free, and then thirteen for the thirteen days of Christmas.

Doug: Well, next Christmas, I'll get me a chainsaw...

Bob: Take off!

Doug: Boy, that song was a beauty. It moved me...

Bob: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with Stairway to Heaven...

Doug: Wha-? (and the music fades)

There's an animated version on youtube (new window)

Hi I'm Lauren

2011-12-24 11:06:10 AM

Canadian Christmas is about getting bored of your family hockey game 3/4 of the way through and having someone yell "why don't we try curling?" then bouncing the back of your head off a frozen pond while trying to guide a coffee can filled with rocks to the center of a sloppily spray-painted circle that kind of looks like a breast, though no one will mention it. Then you drink to the point of idiocy so no one will insist you go to the emergency room for your head. "It's the Trois Pistoles, maaaahm! Don't worry about it!" No one at Canadian Christmas can be blamed for the Rita Macneil Christmas special straining the sides of the TV screen because no one at Canadian Christmas remembers putting it on.

HopScotchNSoda

2011-12-24 11:12:49 AM

oldebayer: Doug: Of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six packs of two-four,

I thought it was 6-packs of Tuborg. What the hell is two-four?

HopScotchNSoda

2011-12-24 11:15:59 AM

"The Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions."

katerbug72

2011-12-24 12:35:58 PM

HopScotchNSoda: oldebayer: Doug: Of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six packs of two-four,

I thought it was 6-packs of Tuborg. What the hell is two-four?

A case containing 24 beers. My question is, why is there a Crown Royal logo on it?

katerbug72

2011-12-24 12:36:48 PM

In the animated video, that is.

katerbug72: HopScotchNSoda: oldebayer: Doug: Of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six packs of two-four,

I thought it was 6-packs of Tuborg. What the hell is two-four?

A case containing 24 beers. My question is, why is there a Crown Royal logo on them?

unyon

2011-12-24 12:42:52 PM

Nemo's Brother: It's funny how adamant Canadians are about listening to Canadian artists. They even have laws in place forcing stations to playing it.

Not particularly funny. Canada is a dumping ground for US culture by simple economies of scale. If we didn't protect it, we would lose it. Look at our music industry- 30 years ago, the only female artist in the country was apparently Anne Murray, who won best female artist about 5 Junos in a row, even when she didn't have new material. CRTC can-con rules ensured that Canadians were exposed to their own artists. Now, lots of kids don't even know an artist is Canadian until it's pointed out to them after they get international exposure.

These rules have proven themselves unabashed success. I know that the idea of being overrun via cultural imperialism seems foreign to an american, but it looks different on the other side.

/used to work in the music industry, including radio
//getting a kick, etc

Calm Down You Spaz

2011-12-24 01:02:01 PM

Mentat: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Beer!

And we're done

ChubbyTiger

2011-12-24 01:19:51 PM

Neither Great big Sea nor Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie get a mention. Bah humbug.

weiner dog

2011-12-24 01:37:47 PM

Kinda glad my friend's record wasn't "reviewed," 'cause the guy would have pooped on it and I would haz a sad on Xmas Eve.

Arthur Jumbles

2011-12-24 01:42:58 PM

vossiewulf: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 2 amber ales and a beer in a christmas tree!

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 3 micro-brews, 2 amber ales, and a beer in a Christmas tree!

laststarfighter

2011-12-24 02:34:15 PM

No mention of Crash Test Dummies or Bruce Cockburn's album makes his experiment useless.

clovis69

2011-12-24 02:43:35 PM

unyon: These rules have proven themselves unabashed success. I know that the idea of being overrun via cultural imperialism seems foreign to an american, but it looks different on the other side.

I thought that sort of protectionism was banned when a country joined the WTO...have fun with that when the RIAA finally decides to crush Canada.

Eddie T. Head

2011-12-24 02:46:57 PM

oldebayer: No such collection is complete without this:

edited to avoid another wall of text

And we're done here.

Representative of the unwashed masses

2011-12-24 02:56:19 PM

No nickelback?

Marisyana

2011-12-24 03:33:05 PM

unyon: Nemo's Brother: It's funny how adamant Canadians are about listening to Canadian artists. They even have laws in place forcing stations to playing it.

Not particularly funny. Canada is a dumping ground for US culture by simple economies of scale. If we didn't protect it, we would lose it. Look at our music industry- 30 years ago, the only female artist in the country was apparently Anne Murray, who won best female artist about 5 Junos in a row, even when she didn't have new material. CRTC can-con rules ensured that Canadians were exposed to their own artists. Now, lots of kids don't even know an artist is Canadian until it's pointed out to them after they get international exposure.

These rules have proven themselves unabashed success. I know that the idea of being overrun via cultural imperialism seems foreign to an american, but it looks different on the other side.

/used to work in the music industry, including radio
//getting a kick, etc

CSS time--when I was about sixteen I absolutely LOVED Loverboy. It became my mission in life to uncover any other Canadian bands I might like, so while other kids were listening to Michael Jackson and Van Halen I was listening to Red Rider and Prism and, of course, Rush. About five years ago my husband and I went to Calgary, and he wanted to go to a mall for something. We went to (I think) Southcentre, and I stayed in the rental car while he went in and started playing with the radio ... and found the classic rock station. And remembered the content laws. I heard songs that day I literally hadn't heard in twenty years. It was awesome.

/dials up Kim Mitchell's "Go For A Soda"
//eighties Canadian power pop bands FTW

robohobo

2011-12-24 05:12:37 PM

Mole Man

2011-12-24 05:27:14 PM

I've always thought this was maybe one of the top five songs (new window) in the 80's.

Female bass players for the win as well.

unyon

2011-12-24 05:34:49 PM

clovis69: unyon: These rules have proven themselves unabashed success. I know that the idea of being overrun via cultural imperialism seems foreign to an american, but it looks different on the other side.

I thought that sort of protectionism was banned when a country joined the WTO...have fun with that when the RIAA finally decides to crush Canada.

No, it's not. In fact, Canada is like a nesting doll set of protectionism. Natives in Quebec are protected against the dominant french majority, Quebecers are protected against the dominant Canadian english majority, and everyone is protected against the dominant American majority on the continent.

The record companies biatched and moaned for a long time, because it meant that they actually had to give a shiat about the Canadian market beyond just selling US artists. Now that the media market is so fragmented, it turns out that being able to produce culture on a shoestring budget and with coproducing partners is a competitive advantage. That's why you in the US are exposed to more Canadian productions and coproductions than you ever have been in the past.

The most successful media outlets now enthusiastically embrace cancon. The RIAA couldn't do fark all even if they wanted to. The big consolidated media powers, like Bell, Shaw, and Rogers, have that kind of influence. Record companies? Not so much.

HopScotchNSoda

2011-12-24 06:08:46 PM

unyon: Canada is like a nesting doll set of protectionism. Natives in Quebec are protected against the dominant french majority, Quebecers are protected against the dominant Canadian english majority, and everyone is protected against the dominant American majority on the continent.

Almost like peeling an unyon skin, one might say.

HopScotchNSoda

2011-12-24 06:17:04 PM

Toronto-based Harem Scarem was one of the best hair bands anywhere, yet I would have never heard of them were it not for them being so prominently featured in the soundtrack to the 1991 Degrassi TV move School's Out.
"Hard to Love"

Ess_Aytch

2011-12-25 11:29:48 AM

I've never understood the appeal of Eata BigMeal. Or how she hasn't suffered a major heart attack or stroke by now.

vudukungfu

2011-12-25 11:26:14 PM

D_Moran: What about Paul Anka?

What's she got to do with all this?

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