Subby's satire detector may need a tune-up.

Not sure why anyone would pay a premium for such a car that is completely inferior to a good old US made Chevrolet.

I drive the frugal man's BMW: the 6 cyl performance version of the VW Jetta. Quick, cheap, handles.

I don't drive like a dick, I drive *firmly*.

/now get the fark outta the farkin' left lane!!!!

How the hell did this get Greenlit?

Dumbest shiat I've read today. Not even satire, just BMW hate. Boring.

Meh. Stopped being interested in the brand when it got grouped up with Audi, Mercedes, and Lexus in the "Let's only buy this car because we're middle class housewives and we want to prove to everyone we're not" crowd.

The passion for the technology doesn't exist when it's used as a status symbol. I feel sorry for the cars.

I'm not sure subbys satire detector needs a tune-up, so much as article writer needs a course in 'how to write amusing satire that is obviously satire'

I was completely WTF'd for the majority of the way thru, until i clicked and 'embiggened' the picture of the letter.

Only then did it vaguely click, and even now i'm still not 100% sure thats a joke....

I am sat here and I am not laughing, that is how I know that I don't know that it's a joke.

I can also only assume HPDP, is 'shorthand' for herp derp?

No. It's the drivers of these things. I haven't figured out if Prius drivers are assholes, idiots or just inept. Ever since California dropped the the HOV exception for these things traffic in the SF Bay Area has been 6-times-hell. They've been using the commute lane for so long they think that all lanes are their 'special' lanes. Don't signal, 45 in the fast lane (is there really a fast lane anymore?). They don't have "commute etiquette", like allowing space for the car slightly ahead of them to merge etc.

My head's gonna asplode.

I drive 55 miles per day, every day. Mostly on the highway.

Aside from Russian-mob limo drivers, BMW drivers are the worst douchebags on the road.

Jeep Renegade drivers are in second place.

BMWs (and every car brand since about 1993) run the gamut, from 4-cylinder shiatbox to 5-liter white-knuckle monster. There are no specialized marquis anymore, the badge means nothing. Each model has its own character, and often is built on a shared platform anyway, especially at the low end.

If you want a "real" BMW, you're going to have to buy a 25-year-old car (which you will likely hate, due to modern sensibilities demanding power everything and a "smooth" (aka boring) ride). "Real" BMWs are finicky maintenance nightmares. "Real" Subarus are ugly and have cheap interiors. "Real" Benzes are heavy and sleepy. "Real" VWs fall apart at the seams. "Real" Toyotas are gutless appliances. "Real" Hondas are also gutless appliances (that are easy to work on). "Real" Saabs are weird WWI fighter planes with the wings off.

Nobody wants the authentic version of a marquis, they want the badge and a watered-down version with all the kinks worked out and in-dash GPS.

/E34 Touring
/get off my lawn

blacksharpiemarker: Meh. Stopped being interested in the brand when it got grouped up with Audi, Mercedes, and Lexus in the "Let's only buy this car because we're middle class housewives and we want to prove to everyone we're not" crowd.

The passion for the technology doesn't exist when it's used as a status symbol. I feel sorry for the cars.

Why stop being interested in how well a car is engineered because some people use it as a status symbol? It makes you sound like you're just as much influenced by what other people think.

If you appreciate BMW engineering but worry that others will think that you're driving it as a status symbol, I'd recommend an older model M3 or 318i if you need something cheaper.

What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

It is a FACT, an absolute dead solid FACT that my opinion is that Volvo drivers are the worst drivers on the road. Just awful and dangerous and stupid. FACT!

/dnrtfa

Desmo: No. It's the drivers of these things. I haven't figured out if Prius drivers are assholes, idiots or just inept. Ever since California dropped the the HOV exception for these things traffic in the SF Bay Area has been 6-times-hell. They've been using the commute lane for so long they think that all lanes are their 'special' lanes. Don't signal, 45 in the fast lane (is there really a fast lane anymore?). They don't have "commute etiquette", like allowing space for the car slightly ahead of them to merge etc.

My head's gonna asplode.

[i43.photobucket.com image 450x329]

phyrkrakr: What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

A cactus has the pricks on the outside.

And yes, fark the self-righteous BMW and Benz drivers in my area. Just because you have a large, powerful engine doesn't mean you need to use it to cut me off and/or tailgate everyone on the road. It's always entertaining watching them rage about someone not letting them cut people off or brakechecking them.

Droog8912: And yes, fark the self-righteous BMW and Benz drivers in my area. Just because you have a large, powerful engine doesn't mean you need to use it to cut me off and/or tailgate everyone on the road. It's always entertaining watching them rage about someone not letting them cut people off or brakechecking them.

As a motorcycle rider, I extend a hearty and wholesome FARK YOU to all the assholes that drive a large SUV or truck like it was a compact car, riding the ass of every vehicle in their way and cutting people off left and right. Much like the douchebags that drive Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, etc. they apparently believe that the world should make way for their retarded asses.

Mr_Fabulous: I drive 55 miles per day, every day. Mostly on the highway.

Aside from Russian-mob limo drivers, BMW drivers are the worst douchebags on the road.

Jeep Renegade drivers are in second place.

Around where I live the most retarded asshat drivers on the road are the 4-foot-six hair-and-nail biatches driving a Suburban or an Excursion. Apparently all mirrors on the vehicle are meant for fixing your makeup.

blacksharpiemarker: Meh. Stopped being interested in the brand when it got grouped up with Audi, Mercedes, and Lexus in the "Let's only buy this car because we're middle class housewives and we want to prove to everyone we're not" crowd.

The passion for the technology doesn't exist when it's used as a status symbol. I feel sorry for the cars.

Unless you're implying that BMW started changing its direction to very specifically cater to middle class housewives, this stance makes absolutely no sense at all.

fuhfuhfuh: Around where I live the most retarded asshat drivers on the road are the 4-foot-six hair-and-nail biatches driving a Suburban or an Excursion. Apparently all mirrors on the vehicle are meant for fixing your makeup.

Pretty much this.

Fortunately, coming up with ways to troll the shiat out of drivers like this can brighten even the most mundane commute.

mccallcl: BMWs (and every car brand since about 1993) run the gamut, from 4-cylinder shiatbox to 5-liter white-knuckle monster. There are no specialized marquis anymore, the badge means nothing. Each model has its own character, and often is built on a shared platform anyway, especially at the low end.

If you want a "real" BMW, you're going to have to buy a 25-year-old car (which you will likely hate, due to modern sensibilities demanding power everything and a "smooth" (aka boring) ride). "Real" BMWs are finicky maintenance nightmares. "Real" Subarus are ugly and have cheap interiors. "Real" Benzes are heavy and sleepy. "Real" VWs fall apart at the seams. "Real" Toyotas are gutless appliances. "Real" Hondas are also gutless appliances (that are easy to work on). "Real" Saabs are weird WWI fighter planes with the wings off.

Nobody wants the authentic version of a marquis, they want the badge and a watered-down version with all the kinks worked out and in-dash GPS.

/E34 Touring
/get off my lawn

Well said.

I'm saving up for a 67 Austin Healey. I may have enough in 5 years or so. I look forward to it being slow to 60 and horribly unsafe. I also look forward to it being a blast to drive.

Driving a Volvo wagon right now... and it isn't even RWD. Boring as hell. But safe and comfortable in the winter.

phyrkrakr: What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

Subby sounds poor and bitter.

TFH: Secret document reveals why BMW drivers are asshats

I don't think anything could improve on teh original headline.

Whiplash!!!: I'm saving up for a 67 Austin Healey.

In the meantime, consider a 70s jap econobox...



Mine cost $1500, drives like a go-kart, and you can fix it yourself.

/hot like your legs in the footwell

JonZoidberg: Dumbest shiat I've read today. Not even satire, just BMW hate. Boring.

How about this, if isn't too dumb for you.
FTA: "BMW has long been reluctant to aid law enforcement officials in the recovery of black box data post-accident, instead insist that the data being collected is "not accurate enough to reconstruct crash scenarios." Could it simply be that they were wiping evidence of HPDP before it could be used as evidence? That now seems completely likely."

Oh yeah, I really want to buy a BMW now knowing they'd wipe out evidence in an accident that may help me to save their own skins. With BMW, the pricking comes before you even get on the inside.
Buy it, chump.

Apropos of nothing but a BMW-related CSB:

I once bought a 325i from a co-worker, I used to rebuild old cars and A) I though it might make a good daily beater and B) he really needed the money.

When I was going over it he was very proud to tell me that BMW means "Brings More Women!"

I shot back with "or in your case, 'Beats Meat Wagon.'"

No no, it's Audi drivers that are the most reckless. I haven't decided if the jerkwad personality gravitates to the car, or if there is some property of the car that creates the jerkwad, but show me a dickass move on the highway and I'll see an Audi badge.

It clearly outlines a list of driving behaviors, recorded on the black boxes that have been standard on all new BMWs for several years now and translated into points.

Remember Risk = reward

Kurmudgeon: JonZoidberg: Dumbest shiat I've read today. Not even satire, just BMW hate. Boring.

How about this, if isn't too dumb for you.
FTA: "BMW has long been reluctant to aid law enforcement officials in the recovery of black box data post-accident, instead insist that the data being collected is "not accurate enough to reconstruct crash scenarios." Could it simply be that they were wiping evidence of HPDP before it could be used as evidence? That now seems completely likely."

Oh yeah, I really want to buy a BMW now knowing they'd wipe out evidence in an accident that may help me to save their own skins. With BMW, the pricking comes before you even get on the inside.
Buy it, chump.

I didn't see a citation for that accusation, and if you view that image it shows that they are clearly trying for satire, but not even doing that well. While that is interesting if true, I don't believe it when it's amidst such poor prose. I'm not a BMW fanboy, never owned one but may someday.

VW drivers are far and away the worst though. Everything said about BMW drivers holds for people in Fuhrerwagons. And it's compounded by there being more of them, as well as by the fact that they're generally younger and even less competent behind the wheel.

I hypermile in my M3.

I like older BMW's, specifically E30s. They have the best heater controls ever, just three sliders- one for windshield, dash, and feet and you decide exactly where you want the heat to go, not some pre determined knob setting. The steering is painfully slow however, and the engine design more than a little archaic. But that can be remedied.

drew46n2: really? Funny how we're so careful with most racial slurs but this one still slips through unchallenged.

That's an ethnic slur, perhaps... "Japanese" would be perfectly appropriate, but a shortened version is enough to make your blood boil? Regardless, the Japanese are not a distinct race, but instead the self-appointed peak of the East Asian race. And when did "Jap" become popularized in American parlance? When the Japanese were rampaging, pillaging, and raping their way around the Pacific.

Mr_Fabulous: Aside from Russian-mob limo drivers, BMW drivers are the worst douchebags on the road.

I rarely see a BMW being driven in a non-irritating way. Usually it is the typical, popped-collar wannabe-SCCA driver behavior, but often it is worse: painfully slow people on interstate on-ramps. There is one acceptable behavior in this situation: haul ass up to freeway speed. It blows my mind when I see BMW drivers slowly plodding onto the freeway! They paid all that extra money for handling and speed and drive it like a gawdamn Avalon.

Ironic: my friend shared this stupid TFA on facebook, although he drives a Porsche... the asshole-driver's "reach car."

factoryconnection but often it is worse: painfully slow people on interstate on-ramps. There is one acceptable behavior in this situation: haul ass up to freeway speed. It blows my mind when I see BMW drivers slowly plodding onto the freeway! They paid all that extra money for handling and speed and drive it like a gawdamn Avalon.

Yeah pretty much that. They also paid for cruise control and it's often hit or miss as to utilization. There's nothing like blasting past them going 20 under to having them ride bumper for various intervals. Rinse, repeat...

Drive what you can afford and enjoy. If it's a douche-mobile, then so be it. Fark the haters.

beer4breakfast: blacksharpiemarker: Meh. Stopped being interested in the brand when it got grouped up with Audi, Mercedes, and Lexus in the "Let's only buy this car because we're middle class housewives and we want to prove to everyone we're not" crowd.

The passion for the technology doesn't exist when it's used as a status symbol. I feel sorry for the cars.

Why stop being interested in how well a car is engineered because some people use it as a status symbol? It makes you sound like you're just as much influenced by what other people think.

If you appreciate BMW engineering but worry that others will think that you're driving it as a status symbol, I'd recommend an older model M3 or 318i if you need something cheaper.


I agree with you, it just makes it uncomfortable for me to bring attention to it when most of the people I encounter use the brands as "name-drops" and aren't looking at it from the same perspective I am.I'm lucky to at least say that I'm part of a car community forum where I know I'm sharing my thoughts and opinions with a group of people who are usually coming from the same direction I am.

The negative connotation that's being associated with these brands is due to the people who don't care for the technology and drive their cars like dickbags because they feel they're entitled to due to the "status" they believe they've purchased. Sadly, it's gotten to a point where most people who take the route you suggest are labelled as posers by the group I criticized above, due to fact that it's a less costly/older model of the brand, and you are then believed to be imitating their imitation.

Should I care how other people see it? No, but I'd be lying to say that it doesn't makes me uncomfortable that I think the vast majority see it that way, and that I want nothing to do with that attitude. I hate the politics. I hate the labels. I like the technology, and I think it deserves to be recognized more responsibly.

kab: blacksharpiemarker: Meh. Stopped being interested in the brand when it got grouped up with Audi, Mercedes, and Lexus in the "Let's only buy this car because we're middle class housewives and we want to prove to everyone we're not" crowd.

The passion for the technology doesn't exist when it's used as a status symbol. I feel sorry for the cars.

Unless you're implying that BMW started changing its direction to very specifically cater to middle class housewives, this stance makes absolutely no sense at all.

To further clarify, I've just stopped appreciating the cars when I encounter them on the street. I'm sure there's a good handful of BMW owners (just as with any other car brand) that are reasonable people who purchased the cars for the right reason, but it's becoming more challenging to spot them out among those who are purchasing them for the wrong reasons.

I can see where the satire article is coming from. After all, more people are buying these cars to abuse the road systems and feel entitled to do so in the process than for any other purpose.

Desmo: No. It's the drivers of these things. I haven't figured out if Prius drivers are assholes, idiots or just inept. Ever since California dropped the the HOV exception for these things traffic in the SF Bay Area has been 6-times-hell. They've been using the commute lane for so long they think that all lanes are their 'special' lanes. Don't signal, 45 in the fast lane (is there really a fast lane anymore?). They don't have "commute etiquette", like allowing space for the car slightly ahead of them to merge etc.

My head's gonna asplode.

[i43.photobucket.com image 450x329]

I have only been in the bay area for a year but I have never observed anyone respecting the left lane since I got here. Once you leave the bay area it reappears. But I do share your hate of the Prius drivers. They buy their smugmobile, drive like shiat and then most of them floor it everywhere they go completely negating the purpose of buying one in the first place. But I can't really blame them for flooring it everywhere. I had one as a rental once and it was the most hateful driving experience I have ever had, and I've even had a PT Cruiser rental.

Damn, I've got it bad, as I have a 135i and an M3 (both 2011s). But I also do driver training at PIR, so I guess I can feel a little bit better. ;-)

trickygringuito: Desmo: No. It's the drivers of these things. I haven't figured out if Prius drivers are assholes, idiots or just inept. Ever since California dropped the the HOV exception for these things traffic in the SF Bay Area has been 6-times-hell. They've been using the commute lane for so long they think that all lanes are their 'special' lanes. Don't signal, 45 in the fast lane (is there really a fast lane anymore?). They don't have "commute etiquette", like allowing space for the car slightly ahead of them to merge etc.

My head's gonna asplode.

[i43.photobucket.com image 450x329]

I have only been in the bay area for a year but I have never observed anyone respecting the left lane since I got here. Once you leave the bay area it reappears. But I do share your hate of the Prius drivers. They buy their smugmobile, drive like shiat and then most of them floor it everywhere they go completely negating the purpose of buying one in the first place. But I can't really blame them for flooring it everywhere. I had one as a rental once and it was the most hateful driving experience I have ever had, and I've even had a PT Cruiser rental.

It reappears? Where? Mexico? I've driven from San Fran to San Diego several times and it doesn't appear that ANYONE in this state knows what that left lane is for.

San Diego is exactly the same...I've noticed, though, that a lot of asians (chinese, japanese, koreans, etc.; not Indians, etc.) tend to move directly to the left lane and stay there even if they're the only car on the road. I'm wondering if it's a cultural thing or the driving laws aren't the same there.

kab: Unless you're implying that BMW started changing its direction to very specifically cater to middle class housewives, this stance makes absolutely no sense at all.

Allow me to elaborate from my perspective, as I feel the same way: It's hard to take pride in a thing when the majority of your peers appear to be drooling imbeciles who don't do the same themselves.

A lot of people who are brand or model-loyal when it comes to cars have something about the car that they really like. I'd say this applies to Porsche, Ferrari, Mustangs, F-body cars, Corvettes and a slew of old American muscle and European sports cars. Even Mercedes-Benz, I'd say, has a following built around loyalty to the quality of the marque.

The BMW crowd, on the other hand, at least outside of the M3 and M5, seems to be overrun by cackling buffoons who only bought a 1 or 3 series because they (incorrectly) view it as a status symbol that will somehow inherently provide them a level of respect and awe from the people around them. They don't seem to appreciate the cars for the technology, the driving characteristics, or any particular positive aspect of the brand or model.

This makes it difficult, then, for an outsider to come in and begin appreciating them as well. It's one thing when you meet a guy who is all enthusiastic about his Corvette and telling you all about how much he loves it and why. It may make you want to consider one and you may find yourself a loyalist as well.

When it's just some bleach-blonde idiot driving on the divider line because she dropped her lip gloss trying to answer her goddamn cell phone.... eh... tends not to have the same effect...

drew46n2: racial slurs

"Jap" is a racial slur now? Wait until people find out about "U.S."!

factoryconnection: They paid all that extra money for handling and speed and drive it like a gawdamn
Avalon.

We also pay to fix it when the transmission falls out. I'm not spending $1.50 on wear so you can get to your shiatty job sooner.

Splinshints: The BMW crowd, on the other hand, at least outside of the M3 and M5, seems to be overrun by cackling buffoons

Name a marquis not overrun by cackling buffoons. BMW sells millions of cars, most to buffoons, because most people are buffoons.

Also, they started going downhill same as any other maker, when they included cupholders.

trickygringuito: Desmo: No. It's the drivers of these things. I haven't figured out if Prius drivers are assholes, idiots or just inept. Ever since California dropped the the HOV exception for these things traffic in the SF Bay Area has been 6-times-hell. They've been using the commute lane for so long they think that all lanes are their 'special' lanes. Don't signal, 45 in the fast lane (is there really a fast lane anymore?). They don't have "commute etiquette", like allowing space for the car slightly ahead of them to merge etc.

My head's gonna asplode.

[i43.photobucket.com image 450x329]

I have only been in the bay area for a year but I have never observed anyone respecting the left lane since I got here. Once you leave the bay area it reappears. But I do share your hate of the Prius drivers. They buy their smugmobile, drive like shiat and then most of them floor it everywhere they go completely negating the purpose of buying one in the first place. But I can't really blame them for flooring it everywhere. I had one as a rental once and it was the most hateful driving experience I have ever had, and I've even had a PT Cruiser rental.

I drive a Prius, and I would *LIKE* to think that I'm not horrible at it. I get the good mileage that I bought it for without driving 40mph in the fast lane. Here in Houston that would get me killed. So, I am usually in the right or middle lanes, left lane if I need to pass, use my signals, and usually set my cruise control for 65+. I don't weave in and out of traffic. I don't ride anyone's ass. And if someone is coming up on me fast when I am in the fast lane, I speed up, make my pass and change lanes, and let the other guy by. And, honestly, I think the car handles fine and has all the power I need. I'm not in a race with anyone.

Slaves2Darkness: Not sure why anyone would pay a premium for such a car that is completely inferior to a good old US made Chevrolet.

For instance, the Chevy comes with turn signals, standard.

BMW drivers are total douchebags. Its not a stereotype.

drew46n2: It has been for a long time.

Huh. Well, would you look at that.

/don't care, don't know anyone who cares.

JonZoidberg: I didn't see a citation for that accusation, and if you view that image it shows that they are clearly trying for satire, but not even doing that well. While that is interesting if true, I don't believe it when it's amidst such poor prose. I'm not a BMW fanboy, never owned one but may someday.

Search the terms "bmw law enforcement black box".