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(Some Guy)   What is the dumbest thing an emplyee/employer has ever said or done to you. (Link goes to funny client quotes)   ( divider line
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19393 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Oct 2003 at 5:16 AM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

432 Comments     (+0 »)
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2003-10-10 07:55:26 AM  
I worked at Company G for 4 years without so much as a raise or promotion. I repeatedly push and push and push (greasy wheel strategy). Finally, get the promotion up to glorified "Programmer Analyst". What does my boss say when she gives this to me? Great job? Glad you've stuck it out with us for so long? Sorry it took so long? Nope...

"You don't really deserve this, and you'll have to work your way up to it."

Hugely insulted, I left 1 month later and got a contracting job at 3x the salary. And it took 3 of their "Senior analysts" to replace me.

ahhh bitter memories... where would I be without you?
2003-10-10 07:56:00 AM  
Whoa! didn't mean to enable voting on my "Vote for Harimwakairi" vote.

/loser employee
2003-10-10 07:56:03 AM  
desertmouse: After a quick Google search, I found something that basically said that it showed up after the Battle of Hastings in 1066
2003-10-10 07:57:12 AM  
desertmouse The trick with stupid questions like that is not to see if you know the answer, but to see if you can bullshiat in an educated fashion, whether you know the answer or not.

In your case, you obviously passed the test. I used to get all sorts of questions like that. The correct answer is always "Well, I don't know the answer to that outright, but due to xyz, abc, and whatever else relevant bullshiat I DO know about, I'd say such-and-such was pretty close..."
2003-10-10 07:58:10 AM  
While writing an ad for someone...

"So the longer the word the more space it takes up?"
-said completely seriously.

I repeated his words back slowly and he still DIDN'T UNDERSTAND!
2003-10-10 08:02:17 AM  
The other day, my boss said we were running low on toner and he told me I should buy another case. Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking... So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face.

Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck. I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then. But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little, and I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again.
2003-10-10 08:03:39 AM  
At the annual company meeting, the President of the Company announced the start up of a sister company which is an IT temp agency. The lady who is heading the effort got up in front of the company and casually announced that:

'I'm grateful for the opportunity and that I'm eager to get from the company company to help fulfill contracts until a decent resume bin had been accumulated. It's great to have such a selection of bodies with such skills. Everyone here is a body that I can throw towards a contract, even you Frank (referring to the President of the Company). Hopefully Symbolic will let me use some of it's bodies until we get a decent assortment of resumes.'

Made everyone in the company feel REALLY great about themselves, ya know, being nothing but bodies.
2003-10-10 08:05:34 AM  
"Manager: You can't tell people to leave your lane when they have more the 15 items. You have to take them. Its rude to shoo them away...Week later-Same Manager: What are you doing? I got complaints that you let someone through with a cartload of groceries! Its rude to the people behind in line. Send em to a regular lane! *sigh*"

this is the story of my professional life. you just summed up every job i've ever had!
2003-10-10 08:06:31 AM  
The dumbest thing? Like I have the time to pick one out of the thousands of contenders I've heard throughout my brilliant career. Fact is, I gotta get ready for another day full of new ones.......
2003-10-10 08:09:04 AM  
Thank you Aranor. I am finally at peace. If only I had quoted a battle and year... damn! My dream of smoking an asshat, stress-test interviewor will have to wait.
2003-10-10 08:10:02 AM  
Back in the early eighties, when fax machines were still very new, I was installing one at a company's headquarters, and was to train the receptionist on its use. I showed her that you put in what you want to send, dial the number of their fax machine, and press send. She proceeded to take off her wedding ring and asked me to help her send it to the jeweler for repair.
2003-10-10 08:10:38 AM  
back in about 95 i had a shiat job to do a cd demo for one of my company's software products. One of the salesmen expressed interest in seeing one of the early drafts, so I gave him a CD to look over.
He comes back to me and says 'it isn't working.'
'it should just automatically start, if it didn't, then you just have to go to the drive in filemanager and start it yourself.'
he goes away and comes back in about 5 minutes and says 'the computer doesn't see the disk.' he replies
i say 'did it even spin up?'
'spin? no... i think it's stuck.'
'stuck???' i was boggled at how a CD could become stuck.
so i went to his office and found out.
He jammed the cd into his 5.25" floppy drive. all the way in. he even closed to drive door.

funniest part was, he didn't even have a cd-rom drive in his PC.
2003-10-10 08:12:31 AM  
One summer I got a job working reception at a youth hostel in Scotland. It was a big, draughty old castle, way up on a hillside, miles from anywhere. Anyway, the warden had been an ex-merchant marine - thought he ran a real tight ship. Weird thing was, he thought he was a hippy. No chance. A real nasty piece of work. Anyway, the male staff got given this room way down in the depths of the castle, called, appropriately enough, the dungeon. After watching this warden harass hostellers, berate and belittle employees, us staff decided we were going to get our own back. We decided our mutiny was going to be subtle. But we went for the jugular. Hostellers were supposed to be in bed before eleven (wtf?) at which time the lights got turned off. Booze anywhere in the hostel or on the grounds was cause for bannination. Anyway, at the reception I would book in these great big tour groups, usually students a few years younger than I. I'd tell them about a little get-together down in the dungeon. Indeed anyone remotely cute/cool/why who passed the front desk got invited to these little parties. After about a week of this we found we could stuff a lot of people into the dungeon. Not only that but we could make a helluva lot of noise. As the warden was kinda obese he never really left his little flat. We were getting away with murder! (a little aside here - I once had a teacher, young German guy, ask me what I thought of one of his students, calls her over, this pretty little thing. She pulls me into the bed right in front of her teacher. Liberal or what?) I knew we were succeeding when one day an Italian hosteller asked me at the front desk if this was the party hostel. Yeah baby!

After almost a month of this (and damn didn't that warden know we were up to something!) a few members of staff were leaving - we decided as a send-off to hold a blowout like no other. Cool, uncool - everyone got invited. We held these little reccys - basically a chain of people, arms outstretched, "flying" in formation, inviting all and sundry to the dungeon. The chain would get pretty big.

At one point I decided to go get yet more people. As we "flew" around the hostel I was thinking - "fark me, that music's LOUD!" Then I see the warden come storming through the gallery - he's on a mission. I tear myself away and bolt down to the dungeon, fling open the door and yell "Turn the music down - the warden's on the farking prowl!" But funnily enough there was dead silence. And everyone was looking my way, a little shocked, someone bemused even. Someone jerks their thumb and to my astonishment I see the warden beside me. (now the only possible way he beat down to the dungeon was by some secret passage) The warden is flabbergasted. Next day, at a very humurous gathering, every member of staff gets the sack. We all went down to the pub and laughed ourselves silly sfter that!
2003-10-10 08:16:53 AM  
Was having it out with my male-chauvinist boss about taking time off for a root canal. He asked me how much mileage I was going to get out of that tooth. I told him that emergencies happen that I can't always plan for, that there would be days that I would be sick and wouldn't come in. He actually grabbed his planner and said, "Which days?" He was a real idiot.
2003-10-10 08:17:34 AM  
You're hired.
2003-10-10 08:21:58 AM  
Where can I find examples of good resignation letters?
2003-10-10 08:24:23 AM  
When I First started at my company, they told me that I needed to be black to get promoted....well, I am not black, but, 2 years later I got
2003-10-10 08:26:49 AM  
The long bow must have been invented prior to 1066, as the Normans used them to great effect at the Battle of Hastings. The Saxons used crossbows and got their arses handed to them.
2003-10-10 08:28:01 AM  
Two big things:

Long ago:
Boss, after two years of employment: "I thought you were Jewish!"
Me: "With a name like Kilpatrick???"
True story.

Different Job:
Me (IT support): Boss, I was working on Smith's hard drive. He said it was full. I found 600 Mb of foot fetish porn."
Boss: "How dare you snoop around on his hard drive!!!" I left it on. Some of those feet had to be kid's. STUPID motherfletchers...
Me: Later resigned. Same boss earlier pulled knife on me. I went to Personel, who said "If he wanted to hurt you, you'd have been hurt."

I hate people.
2003-10-10 08:30:04 AM  
At my first job, the office manager told me I wouldn't find another job for more money. Within a year my new job was providing me with a higher income than hers. And that company shut down 6 months after I left.
2003-10-10 08:30:10 AM  
Supposed to be at work @ 8:00 am, I walk in @ 8:20 or so...
My boss: You're late, Where've you been?
Me: The damned papers kept ripping.
My Boss: You're fired
I still don't see what's so funny about this but every time I tell this story in person it makes people laugh.
2003-10-10 08:30:47 AM  
A coworker was a (too) well paid manager, and terribly computer illiterate (ok, no shock there). She mismanaged her project until there was a horrible crunch at the end, and spent three days frantically writing the final report. She was piecing it together from various other reports, and got a little confused with which file was the one she was keeping.

Came to me to help fix it, since I was the IT dude in our little office. Finally figured out that she had 1) renamed a different file to the same name as the one she had been keeping the report in, and 2) blindly ignored the warning that she was overwriting a file with the same name.

She was terribly upset I couldn't recover her file. The clincher? In three days, she had never printed the file or backed it up in any way. She had to start over.

Oh well, not my problem!
2003-10-10 08:31:26 AM  
Any I.T. department shiat automatically wins, hands down.
2003-10-10 08:32:18 AM  

I've never laughed so hard, so early in the morning.

2003-10-10 08:33:56 AM  
Best one EVAR!!

Boss calls me on the phone. "Get into my office NOW!"
Me: (IT person) Walks in. What now?
Boss: "Close the door!"
Me: Oh shiat.
Boss, shaking his fists at his new laptop: "How do you turn this damn thing ON??"

He was the Director of Info Services. It was fairly easy to get him fired, obvoiusly.
2003-10-10 08:35:26 AM  
Way too many to tell, but here is a typical situation that happens to me many times. I am MIS at a small (20 employees) company. Basically I am a one-eyed man in the land of the blind. Frequently my boss will say something to the effect that we waste too much time on computers and I waste too much time at my computer (working I might add). Within a few hours of said declaration he is coming to me wanting some elaborate Access report that will take a couple hours of development time. Go figure.
2003-10-10 08:35:32 AM  
I just want to know if Lindseyp's sister is available, she's sounds like a party girl WOOOOOO!

Funny Farking Thread!
2003-10-10 08:35:33 AM  
Not an employee, really, but I used to work at the front desk of an old age home.

Since I was just sitting there in the front lobby, residents used to come up to me all the time with random problems, complaints, concerns, etc.

One day a woman came down saying she had been trying to reach her daughter on the phone all day, but that her phone didn't seem to be working.
"I brought it down to see if maybe you could fix the problem," she says.

I took one look at the object she gave me and said, "Well, here's the problem, see... this is the remote for your television. Why don't you just go back up to your room and look for something that kinda looks like this thing, but with a cord attatched to it?"
2003-10-10 08:36:59 AM  
Oh, yeah: same job, same office manager. She would say, why are you concentrating on helping salesman X, when you should be concentrating on helping salesman Y? Wait two weeks, reverse it. Goto 10.

Also, when I quit, I had vacation time accrued, and the employee handbook said I would get paid for them. Knowing the $$$ situation, I drafted a memo: do I take the time off during my last two weeks, or are you going to pay me? They didn't decide what to do until after it was too late for me to take the time off. I thought they were going to try to cheat me out of it.
2003-10-10 08:38:20 AM  
I work in the I.T department, and this is an actual, word-for-word e-mail that I received yesterday:


I wanted to tell you that the printer does not print on the paper when I was conversation not printed on the paper. It also has a conversation problem because it's garble. It need to find a quite place.

Dumb Employee
(name was changed to protect the idiot)

Return Mail Specialist"

I still have no idea what her problem was, or what she needed fixed....
2003-10-10 08:43:07 AM  
"I got a virus infected email at home and I sent it to the office to make sure our antivirus software was working"
2003-10-10 08:43:40 AM  
Hizzout: It also has a conversation problem because it's garble.

has a conversation problem. She has no grounds to pick on the printer.
2003-10-10 08:46:23 AM  
I was working tech support for an ISP in 1996. After Hours we had an on call phone for clients to reach us with problems that arose afetr normal business hours. I once had a customer call me to get setup to use the internet, well needless to say after walking him through configuring his computer to get online I get a panicked phone call from him ten minutes later he said and I quote, "I went to get on the internet just like you said but when I clicked on internet explorer my computer started to make this awful noise so I unplugged because I figured something was wrong"
The awful Noise he was reffering to was the sound of the modem dialing into our service. My wife who was in the room as I explained this to the customer was laughing so hard she had to leave the room so he wouldn't hear her.
2003-10-10 08:48:01 AM  
Oh do I have sooo many... but here is the most recent, from one of my users at an outside location:

User: uhh, the computer that shared the printer here was taken in for repairs, and I need to share the printer on the machine that's temporarily in it's place. I've done this before, but it's just not happening this time.

Me: Sure, no problem. Do you have the printer installed and working on that machine?

User: No, I can't even get it installed.

Me: OK, well what happens when you try to install it?

User: I get nothing, it says no printers found.

Me: Are you sure this is not a network printer, and are you sure the printer was physically attached to the machine that is being repaired?

User: Yes, I'm sure, I had to disconnect the cables before sending it away for repair.

Me: OK, and what computer is the printer connected to right now?

User: Well, I'm not sure..... let me take a look.... (extended pause) oh! well look at that, it's still laying on the floor, and isn't connected to anything!

Me: (gun to head)

And people wonder why I'm bitter?
2003-10-10 08:50:15 AM  
I think there's something wrong with the server in the story link. When the page loaded it was missing all the funny.
2003-10-10 08:50:40 AM  
I am a pharmacist working for a small town pharmacy and had a scruffy looking guy in his late 20's come in looking for a job. I told him we were hiring and to fill out an application and bring in a resume.

The next day he brings the completed application and his resume (hand-written on lined paper). I was going to send it straight to HR, but I noticed for position applied for he wrote Pharmacist. I went out and asked him where he went to pharmacy school. "I didn't go to school, I got my GED last month. Do you have to go to a special school to be a pharmacist?"

Somewhat amused I told him it would take a minimum of 6 years in college to be a pharmacist.

His answer: "But I need a job now."

2003-10-10 08:50:48 AM  
user calls: my computer sounds like it's going to blow up!
I blow her off while I eat my donuts.

user calls agin : my computer sounds like it's going to blow up!
still eating my donuts...

user calls again 30 minutes later: my computer sounds like it is really going to blow up!

after having a smoke I go up to her desk to find her pager, set to vibrate, sitting on her PC.
2003-10-10 08:50:56 AM  
The CEO of my company said to a client, "I am sorry about any incontinence that this has caused."
2003-10-10 08:51:48 AM  
When we found out that our unit was deploying, one of the girls-playing-soldier (I'm female too so I can say that!) turns to me and says "But I don't want to go overseas. I didn't join up to kill people, I wanted the college money!"

How she got into college without being able to read a simple military enlistment contract, I dunno :P
2003-10-10 08:52:23 AM  
My bus broke down on the way to work, forcing me to walk most of the way. When I got there 10 minutes late, I explained what happened to my boss. He stupidly replied, "Then you should have left earlier!"
2003-10-10 08:52:29 AM  
My boss and I both had wives who were pregnant, and since this was his first kid, he was always nervous and edgy about his job, and convinced that I was going to do something that would wind up getting him fired.

One day, my boss's boss called my boss and told him that we both needed to meet with our prime client to discuss a project with like 5 minutes notice. The conference room was downstairs from our offices, so my boss and I headed down the stairs. "Why did [the client] set up this meeting?" asked my boss. "I have no idea," I told him. "If you've done anything to jeopardize this project, I'm going to march you down to HR and kick your ass right out of this company this afternoon!" said my boss, as we walked into a surprise dual-baby shower in the meeting room.

He later got fired and his wife left him.

/Love that karma, baby!
2003-10-10 08:52:40 AM  
I work tech support for ISP X. A call came in with some woman wanting to know how to setup her new computer to work with her cable modem. I ask a few basic questions (What version of Windows, type of cable modem, etc). I then have enough info to know what she'll need to do - or so I thought. I then tell her to click the "Start" button on her screen and she then replies with "Oh, should I have taken the computer out of the box first?"

Had another caller, first thing out of his mouth was "How do I read my email?" I sooooo wanted to give some sarcastic response like "A working knowledge of the English language would be a good place to start." Needless to say it was a long call.
2003-10-10 08:53:22 AM  
Now with voting!

I work tech support for ISP X. A call came in with some woman wanting to know how to setup her new computer to work with her cable modem. I ask a few basic questions (What version of Windows, type of cable modem, etc). I then have enough info to know what she'll need to do - or so I thought. I then tell her to click the "Start" button on her screen and she then replies with "Oh, should I have taken the computer out of the box first?"

Had another caller, first thing out of his mouth was "How do I read my email?" I sooooo wanted to give some sarcastic response like "A working knowledge of the English language would be a good place to start." Needless to say it was a long call.
2003-10-10 08:54:15 AM  
Here it is again if you want to vote for my dumbass.
My bus broke down on the way to work, forcing me to walk most of the way. When I got there 10 minutes late, I explained what happened to my boss. He stupidly replied, "Then you should have left earlier!"
2003-10-10 08:55:05 AM  
I got my worthless brotherinlaw a job at my printing company. He was supposed to work in shipping.

They tried to teach him how to pack and send stuff out by saying things like: "Okay, I showed you how to do it, now, would you like to try?"

Brotherinlaw: "Um, naw, not really."

They asked him to sweep the floors.

BiL: "I'm supposed to be in shipping, not a janitor."

They caught him downloading porn on a computer.

Bil: "Well which computer is going to be mine to use. I can put a password on it so nobody gets offended by whats on it."

Mind you, this was all in one day.

Needless to say, he was told to go home and not come back. And after six months of not paying rent because "there weren't any jobs in town" I kicked his tail back to Atlanta.

Worthless slug.
2003-10-10 08:55:12 AM  
who cares about work...check this out...its much more amusing..
2003-10-10 08:55:38 AM  
Two jobs ago, I was fortunate enough to work for the dumbest IT group in the universe. Here's an actual excerpt from an email conversation I had with one of them.

Me: You removed the anonymous login from the PolarisFTP server. Please restore it so my automated weekly file transfers will begin working properly. The finance department needs this for their weekly costing reports they send to the corporate headquarters.

IT Idiot: I was unaware that PolarisFTP was receiving file transfers. Please contact my supervisor and receive permission that PolarisFTP should be storing transferred files.

Obviously, he has no idea what FTP stands for. What a moron. Last I heard he was promoted to manage the server administration group.
2003-10-10 08:56:01 AM  
By a work placement at our videogame firm.

"How many percent does this go up to before it's finished installing?"
2003-10-10 08:56:57 AM  
A vice president at an advertising agency I worked at hired two exotic dancers (strippers) as account executives. He then announced to the office at a staff meeting, "They may not have a lot of experience, but they'll go as far as it takes to get business." We thought it was a joke until they actually showed up. Their brief employment and eventual dismissal is a whole different story...
2003-10-10 09:00:09 AM  
Ok FLail you have to post that story as well
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