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(Some Guy)   What is the dumbest thing an emplyee/employer has ever said or done to you. (Link goes to funny client quotes)   (tofslie.com ) divider line
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19389 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Oct 2003 at 5:16 AM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



432 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2003-10-09 09:32:41 PM  
Employee?
Thought that by sending out his resume (a total work of fiction at that) to other companies by sending it from his local to webmail account and then deleting it from his Outlook's "sent mail" folder that it would go unnoticed...
 
2003-10-09 09:36:45 PM  
I used to work in a video store and the manager would sometimes be standing next to me at the counter. The fool would sometimes put his fist over his mouth to cough and would then swing his arm down to pop me in the nutz with his fist. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to piss me off. Took me a few times to be awar that I was about to get whammied. He thought he was the funniest thing.

I got even though, I fooled around with his wife and he's been unknowingly raising my daughter for the past 16 years.
 
2003-10-09 09:48:29 PM  
you're fired, you shoulda come to work on New Years Day

I was 17, funny stuff
 
2003-10-09 09:52:43 PM  
I forgot to add voting so here it is again-

I used to work in a video store and the manager would sometimes be standing next to me at the counter. The fool would sometimes put his fist over his mouth to cough and would then swing his arm down to pop me in the nutz with his fist. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to piss me off. Took me a few times to be awar that I was about to get whammied. He thought he was the funniest thing.

I got even though, I fooled around with his wife and he's been unknowingly raising my daughter for the past 16 years.
 
2003-10-09 09:57:16 PM  
Employer: Worldcom

Came in one Monday after our CFO had fudged the books for $9 billion. See a notice on the wall that the coffee/coffee makers had been removed and it was going to save us $400K a year.
 
2003-10-09 11:08:04 PM  
This isn't really dumb, but kinda funny.

Up in the far north, I was working pretty hard, and one night, me and the boss' brother stay up playing 'Tequila Pigs'. We ran out of that and played 'vodka pigs' and then it was into some old canadian club, and we were done. Hosed. Wasted. I stumble home to find out it's 7am and I've got to go to work in about an hour. Luckily, I can walk to work. So I get in the shower, and fall asleep. I wake up and it's like 8:10 and I rush around and put my clothes back on that I wore the day before, and run down to the site, stinking like a distillery.

I get there, and my Boss is there. He takes one look at me and says 'You stayed up all night drinking with my brother, didn't you?'
Yep, I said.
He gives me a look, points his fat finger at my chest and says, "You do that Two more times, and you're outta here! Got it?"

I kept a straight face, but man that was so funny to have your boss tell you you have a free pass to a pish-up.

*splat*
 
2003-10-09 11:20:13 PM  
Jesus Christ Dracula! You win!
 
2003-10-09 11:28:11 PM  
MJ? if not that

i work at a beer distributor and we have neon signs for point of sale, neon signs are very very light btw, so Randy is on top of our storage area and someone yells up to bring a box down, he picks it up feels like it is empty and tosses it down to us about 20-30 feet down, the boss wa actually ok with the broken neon mostly because he is a good worker and hasnt done anything else stupid the boss knows about..... 300$ rolling rock neon broken into so many pieces
 
2003-10-09 11:34:17 PM  
This just happened the other day...

We have an annual contest at our publication for the best breakfast diner, etc, in town. We print out a nice black/white certificate and frame it in a cheap document frame for the restaurant to display.

One of our salesmen came to me and asked if his client could have her certificate saved on a CD so she could print it out IN COLOR.

I said "Well, since these are just printed out on the laser printer, I designed them in black and white..."

He goes "Well she gave me this CD won't this work?" and he handed me the CD.

I looked at the CD and the label said "COLOR! COLOR!" - it was a purple CD.

He goes "Won't that work?"
 
2003-10-10 12:49:11 AM  
We had the thermostat mounted on the wall in our computer lab at about chest-high, one of the old ones with the thermometer/bi-metal strip built right into the unit. Someone put a table under it, then a monitor on top of the table, with the heat vents for the monitor exhausting directly onto the thermostat. So our AC would come on and run until the condensor/compressor unit froze up because the thermometer would always read in the 85-90 degree range due to the hot air coming from the monitor.

I figured out what was happening and wrote an email to my managers at the time that described the problem and said, "We can either move the monitor two feet to the left or have a crew of workmen come in here and reposition the thermostat. I'll leave it to upper management to decide."

I guess sarcasm really doesn't come across well in writing because the next day a crew of three guys showed up to move the thermostat two feet to the right. They never patched the original hole either.
 
udo
2003-10-10 01:38:15 AM  
My boss tried to give me a guilt trip for staying out three days when my then-wife delivered our baby. Resignarity ensued.
 
2003-10-10 01:54:15 AM  
a co-worker chic...lady actually was cursing to me and swearing up a storm when I looked at her and said...

"damn, do you kiss your man with that ?!"

she calmly looked back at me and I do quote,

"yup, kiss and blow him, so what."
 
2003-10-10 02:58:55 AM  
One of my potential website clients asked me if it was possible for her to see the people who visited her website. I said, of course and began to explain in layman terms the use of log files, site statistics, referers etc. After 10 minutes of nodding, she asked me, "Yes yes but how do I *see* them? Do I need like TV screen next to my computer?"

Suffice to say, she's not a client. Come to think of it, if you Farkers could see me right now, well I'd probably get banned for not following the FarQ.
 
2003-10-10 02:59:37 AM  
after screwing up a batch run

"i think i just farked my self up the arse"
 
2003-10-10 05:22:48 AM  
Manager: You can't tell people to leave your lane when they have more the 15 items. You have to take them. Its rude to shoo them away.

Week later-

Same Manager: What are you doing? I got complaints that you let someone through with a cartload of groceries! Its rude to the people behind in line. Send em to a regular lane!

*sigh*
 
2003-10-10 05:24:46 AM  
Said to me by a client:

"Oh, it's a birthmark? How long have you had that?"
 
2003-10-10 05:26:39 AM  
At Blockbuster.

I was fired after only two days. The reason the manager gave me, "We have to cut back by letting some employees go. Since you were the most recent hire this means you . . .[more bullcrap]."

It's funny because that day they started training two new employees. So not only was she lying, but she did it so poorly.

Why can't they just give you the real reason for things? Like "We found some poor saps who will work hear cheaper than you."

fark Blockbuster.
 
2003-10-10 05:27:39 AM  
After firing me, my ex-boss tried to convince me that I had quit. He also lied to clients, saying projects were done that hadn't even been started, continually told me he'd have to fire me soon, etc etc.. A real great guy.
 
2003-10-10 05:27:48 AM  
I work in I.T. Support. I recently experienced a new low of luser stupidity.

Caller: "I'm having trouble logging in."
Me: "Ok, what happens when you try?"
Caller: "I don't know I haven't tried yet"

WTF?
 
2003-10-10 05:28:34 AM  
Why can't they just give you the real reason for things? Like "We found some poor saps who will work hear cheaper than you."

Maybe they just wanted to hire people who can spell.

:)
 
2003-10-10 05:29:01 AM  
The boss once came around and told us we needed to stop sitting around talking and start getting some work done. What an idiot.
 
2003-10-10 05:30:52 AM  
My boss threatened to "kick my ass" when he thought I was stealing a client.

The combination of his angry red face and misunderstood take on the situation has resulted in nothing more than my diminished respect for him and a reckoning that this job is indeed more dead-end than I actually thought.

Actually I believe you're not truly alive until your boss threatens to kick your ass physically.
 
2003-10-10 05:33:14 AM  
At my old job my boss was constantly telling me how e-mail was the most critical application in the office and had to be available at all times. You'd think we had a top of the line mail server, right? Nope, an old IBM PS2 Model 80 (not sure of the model number, something like that), P90 (with the original Pentium floating point flaw) with about 64MB memory, and a single hard drive, not even RAIDed. So one morning we come in and the machine's dead. Fortunately, I had backed up the mail last thing the day before, so no data loss. I say to my boss "Can we finally get a GOOD machine for the mail server?" And he gets all indignant, "You think I'm going to replace this machine just because it doesn't work?!" Umm... yes? We spend most of two days without mail (the most important application in the office) while waiting for a replacement part. As far as I know, they're still using that machine.
 
2003-10-10 05:34:09 AM  
He actually hired me.
 
2003-10-10 05:41:11 AM  
Ok, so I worked at a WaWa, a convenience store, on the 11pm to 7am shift. One morning at 8:00am my boss comes in and says, hey, why aren't you doing anything? I tell him because I'm just here covering for your 1st shift morons who can't show up on time. I'm fired. go figure.
 
2003-10-10 05:42:39 AM  
I think it's a rip that you can only vote for your self once. Bush didn't win that way. I'd call shenanigans on those suxors who wrote the rules but it would properly cost me this contest.


A vote for my entry helps Free Tommy.
 
2003-10-10 05:43:45 AM  
I had a female co-worker as a roommate for a while. Rumor got around that we were sleeping together and then we had some kind of horrible break-up. Well, we weren't sleeping together (and by looking at her you could probably guess why) and the truth is I threw her out because she was the roommate from hell, but the love story persisted. I switched shifts, moved to a different project, nothing helped. I got flak from every direction and she fueled the rumors for pity. I finally had had enough and I wrote up a resignation letter. Before I had a chance to hand it in, tho - that very day - I got called into the office and was let go "for the good of the company". Apparently, my current situation was a bit of a distraction and was affecting my job performance.

Oh well. If I'd been allowed to quit I wouldn't be farking at 2:30 in the morning and collecting unemployment insurance...
 
2003-10-10 05:44:40 AM  
I had an employee who had a a very bad hygeine problem. This guy rarely showered/bathed or washed his clothes on a regular basis. Subtle hints went right over his head. And it was bad enough that when he came up to talk to you, you would have to slowly back off to stay out of range as much as possible. One day he approached me and stated something was wrong in the shop because everywhere he went there was something in the air that was making him ill.

I bit my lower lip, told him to go home. After he left I laughed my ass off because this dumb bastard didn't realize he was finally smelling himself.
 
2003-10-10 05:46:05 AM  

This is usually how the conversation goes after fixing a problem.

Boss: So what was the problem?
Me:i proceed to explain what happened...boss stares at me blankly
Boss: Ok, email it to me.

At first I thought I should try to dumb down my explanation so he will understand when I initially tell him, and I won't have to email what I just recited, but this is what happens after every problem is fixed. I eventually figured out that he doesn't care about details, so now I just say what was broke and that I fixed it, and email that to him. No more breath wasted on explanations.

 
2003-10-10 05:46:54 AM  
I had to train a client at a billing rate of $1500/day. The company could book me on a direct flight or, for a savings of $6, could book me on a flight with a layover in Houston. I went to the VP and protested, and even offered to pay the $6 extra, but he wouldn't approve the direct flight.

You can guess what happened - a storm caused a delay and I missed my connection in Houston. I had to stay overnight there and lost the $1500 billing.

Not only that, the outbound flight was from an airport further from my house, so when I added up the milage it would have been cheaper for them to buy me the direct flight in the first place.
 
2003-10-10 05:48:21 AM  
The SECOND lowest point of my life was geting rejected for a job at McDonalds..

The first (of course) being having to apply at McDonalds in the first place..
 
2003-10-10 05:50:52 AM  
Seeing my very uptight, correct, Dutch boss get so wasted he was lying on the aisle of the bus with the tour guide guys microphine singing some country and western songs and yelling. It was supposed to be a 'teambuilding' dinner and canal boat ride thingy in amsterdam. His Oh sO posh Mrs was not impressed. He probably got some bolliking that night.

I wet myself laughing, as everyone expected me to get wasted and act the fool, being the only female in the team, the youngest and irish. That Twat, never made 'irish are all alcoholics' jokes to me again after that!
 
2003-10-10 05:51:31 AM  
arse...now with voting

Seeing my very uptight, correct, Dutch boss get so wasted he was lying on the aisle of the bus with the tour guide guys microphine singing some country and western songs and yelling. It was supposed to be a 'teambuilding' dinner and canal boat ride thingy in amsterdam. His Oh sO posh Mrs was not impressed. He probably got some bolliking that night.

I wet myself laughing, as everyone expected me to get wasted and act the fool, being the only female in the team, the youngest and irish. That Twat, never made 'irish are all alcoholics' jokes to me again after that!
 
2003-10-10 05:56:53 AM  
See...I do everything right and still no body votes for my entry. Coincidence. I think not. More like a conspiracy. Fark is becoming just like that guy that hired me. I had to off him. You suxors could be next.
 
2003-10-10 05:59:39 AM  
No joke, I had an employee who was a complete fark-up (came in hours late several times during his first month). He called one Friday and said he'd be about two hours late and I told him not to bother coming in anymore.

That Monday he was sitting at his desk as though nothing ever happened. He actually pulled a Costanza. I asked him why he was there, since he had been fired. He looked at me and said "Oh, you were serious?"

Uh, yeah. I was.
 
2003-10-10 06:00:40 AM  
rawsta
When I was 16 I worked in a big foot court on a Saturday.
One year new years day was on a Saturday and the management decided to open with a full complement of staff.

In the UK the entire population gets hammered on new year and spends most of the following day in bed. There were 7 customers during the entire day and 30 staff.

I spent most of the day in the toilets vomiting.
 
2003-10-10 06:00:55 AM  
After the IT guy found a shed load of pron on my hard drive (I didnt know diddly about computers then)... get this... my boss fired me ! Can you believe that ? What an arse-hole.

/sadly very true
 
2003-10-10 06:04:11 AM  
About fifteen years ago I was a manager at a video rental place. My wife and I were trying to have a baby at the time, but without much success. Finally after seeing several doctors we came to the conclusion that I had an extremely low sperm count and would never father a child.

My wife and I hatched a desperate plan and I put it into effect a few weeks later. The plan called for me to act like a total dickhead at work. Lame jokes, charley-horses, you name it. My personal favorite trick was to hold my hand to my mouth like I was about to cough and then swing down and hit some unsuspecting slob in the nuts. Just hard enough to be annoying, mind you, not hard enough to damage the sacred sperm cells contained therein. The same sperm cells my own malfunctioning balls could not produce.

Finally, after a year of doing this to every guy that worked at my store, I finally managed to piss one of them off enough to sleep with my butt-ugly wife in an attempt to get back at me. They made sweet, vaguely bovine love all night long. And nine months later, I had a daughter. She's a little uglier than a daughter of mine would have been, but it's not exactly the cream of the crop working at a video store, you know?
 
2003-10-10 06:06:32 AM  
We had an employee who was very good at what he did but extremely self centered and rarely took note of what was going on around him.

One night the office was broken into from the office next door. The thief knocked a large hole through the wall. There was wallboard, cinder block and other assorted debris and dust all over the floor.

This fellow got to work and walked right through it, kicking up clouds of dust and crunching on pieces of wallboard, biatching about how bad his morning commute was and never noticing the debris or a person sized hole in the wall.

btw, the alarm scared off the thief and all they got was a broken laptop.
 
2003-10-10 06:07:35 AM  
Ah, Harimwakairi, that was beautiful.
 
2003-10-10 06:09:16 AM  
Harimwakairi, that is one of the funniest things I've read on Fark.

Sorry for the backhanded compliment.
 
2003-10-10 06:10:07 AM  
Mind you, this was the early nineties, and "working outside the box" was a reletively new idea.

Former Employer: Your going to have to start working outside your "box." There's a lot of work to be done here during the day, and everyone is going to have to start doing their part.

Me: So... I have to do everyone else's jobs for them, because they're too incompetant or lazy to do it themselves?

FE: No, you just have to see the whole picture. "Work outside your box."

Me: So... who's going to work in my box?

FE: (too drunk to see where it's going, starting to get mad) You are! You're going to work in your box, and pick the slack when you see someone else...

Me: Ok, ok, I get it.

I did my own work for a whole month while I found another job. Dilbert is sometimes really not funny.
 
2003-10-10 06:12:08 AM  
I love the story-telling threads.
 
2003-10-10 06:14:52 AM  
I just checked the voting results and it looks like Drew is using those new Diebold voting machines to tabulate this contest. I know I have more then just one vote. Where is Jessie Jackson when he is really needed.
 
2003-10-10 06:15:38 AM  
A came to work for my father once, he hired someone to help out better with the financial situation. As she was helping, she was stealing on the other side. I put up with the workings for awhile, but after insulting me and my father I had to quit. - Here is the dumb part. I gave her a month's notice. On my last day, she had a "new" project for me to finish by the end of month. - Laughter filled the room from all around. (My dad is no longer works there - horray)
 
2003-10-10 06:18:02 AM  
Harimwakairi

Farking hilarious
 
2003-10-10 06:21:07 AM  
Client: "We want a website that can play DVD quality video, but we don't want to use streaming video and the load time must be zero."
Designer: "That's impossible. Everything has a load time. DVD quality runs about 100 megs a minute."
Client: "We'll take our business elsewhere..."


Hmmm.. I think I work for that guy. :)

A conversation with my boss once went like this:
"Everything is broken! It's a disaster."
"Erm.. what in particular is not working?"
"Everything! Nothing works."
"Can you be more specific? Like, one example?"
"No, I don't have time to do that. Everything is broken!"
 
2003-10-10 06:21:48 AM  
Harimwakairi...Brilliant.
 
2003-10-10 06:23:28 AM  
Harimwakairi,

I just laughed so hard, my eyes are watering. That may have been the single funniest thing I have ever read on Fark. (and there's always some funny shiat on Fark, so that's saying something.)

I can only bow before the master.
 
2003-10-10 06:24:09 AM  
"Hey tech-guy, my printer is f-ed up! Take the damn thing and fix it NOW!"

It was full of hot chocolate, he'd just whiped the front clean.
 
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