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(Gawker) Asinine No terrorist in their right mind will attack Montcalm County, Michigan now that they have $11,700 worth of snow cone machines. Thank you, Homeland Security   (gawker.com) divider line 80
More: Asinine, Homeland Security, sanities, machines  
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9093 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Dec 2011 at 8:16 PM   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»   |    Get this fabulous T-Shirt and impress the methane out of your friends! shirt it!



80 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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2011-12-07 08:17:52 PM
Towelheads are terrified of snow. Advantage: Amurica!
 
2011-12-07 08:18:24 PM
They also issued a warning before thanksgiving on the lethal and imminent danger of turkey fryers, trying and failing to stay relevant.
 
2011-12-07 08:18:25 PM
Who sold them the machines, and does that person have any relation whatsoever to those who authorised the purchase?
 
2011-12-07 08:20:41 PM
I believe this is the new and improved Model XQJ-37 Nuclear Powered Terrorist Roto-Sno-Cone machine. Yep, this will be a deterrent.
 
2011-12-07 08:20:55 PM
Holy. farking. shiat.

You have to be kidding me. No, really, you've got to be kidding me. There are Fire Departments out there with 30 year old SCBAs that are getting turned down for homeland grant money, but these asshats are able to buy this?

Really?
 
2011-12-07 08:22:30 PM
This will be cold comfort when the terrorists come.
 
2011-12-07 08:22:59 PM
the terrorist plan to attack on the hottest day of the year. if they were planning to attack a cold arsed state like michigan in the winter these machines would be just silly.
 
2011-12-07 08:23:11 PM
It's not a snow cone machine unless it's a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine.
 
2011-12-07 08:23:22 PM
Brand-new sno-cone machines might be safer and more reliable than "old grenade launchers", which are apparently also being handed out as part of the anti-terrorism mandate. At least, you know, they're new and have a warranty.
 
2011-12-07 08:23:26 PM
Captain James T. Smirk: This will be cold comfort when the terrorists come.

+1 internets
 
2011-12-07 08:23:49 PM
Why is it that no one ever goes to jail for this shiat?
 
2011-12-07 08:24:09 PM
www.huffingtonpost.com
 
2011-12-07 08:24:35 PM
I love government =)
 
2011-12-07 08:24:54 PM
Who could stay mad with a snow cone in their hands?

/I'm going to blow this pla.. yummy strawberry.
 
2011-12-07 08:26:46 PM
During the mass trauma event these will undoubtably deployed to for treatment of injuries, will the patients get to choose the flavor?
 
2011-12-07 08:28:37 PM
the_chief: It's not a snow cone machine unless it's a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine.

*sigh* Good memories indeed. Sorely miss my Snoopy Sno Cone machine...
 
2011-12-07 08:28:56 PM
dofus: Why is it that no one ever goes to jail for this shiat?

Because no one will volunteer to cock punch the people who need it.
The DHS, and TSA, and their retarded cousins, the DOJ, and SCOTUS.

They all need a deep dick punch over this.
And fired.
 
2011-12-07 08:30:38 PM
I went looking for Bacon Flavored Snow Cones, but couldn't find any -- I did however find this...

trileafdesigns.com
 
2011-12-07 08:31:09 PM
I dunno... ever had a "brain freeze" from one of those things? Could turn even normal citizens into terrorists.

2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2011-12-07 08:32:01 PM
dofus: Why is it that no one ever goes to jail for this shiat?

Because like corporations paying their CEOs eleventy billion dollars in end-of-year bonuses, it's not illegal.
 
2011-12-07 08:32:06 PM
the_chief: It's not a snow cone machine unless it's a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine.

www.shoppingwithgiggles.com
 
2011-12-07 08:32:15 PM
But don't suggest we could cut homeland security budget, or dare I say it, eliminate the entire department or you'll be accused of surrendering to the terrorists.
 
2011-12-07 08:36:02 PM
According to The Daily News, commission head honcho Sandeep Dey said one county's request for a popcorn machine "was denied." Have you ever tried bombarding an Al Qaeda member with popcorn balls? They just stand there and look at you like you're some kind of weird clown. Popcorn is utterly useless in fighting terrorists.

Set up Free Popcorn stations around target areas. Terrorists will eat the popcorn. Then announce the popcorn was popped with pig fat. Now, no terrorist can get in the Heaven so they won't complete their mission.
 
2011-12-07 08:37:44 PM
DysphoricMania: the_chief: It's not a snow cone machine unless it's a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine.

*sigh* Good memories indeed. Sorely miss my Snoopy Sno Cone machine...


morethandonuts.blogspot.com

You lucky kids. All I got was this:

webdebris.com
 
2011-12-07 08:40:53 PM
Anyone who doesn't support DHS snow cone machines is guilty of like 12 different forms of dhimmitude.
 
2011-12-07 08:41:25 PM
bill_01915: But don't suggest we could cut homeland security budget, or dare I say it, eliminate the entire department or you'll be accused of surrendering to the terrorists.


Pffft who needs DHS when you have a Snoopy Sno Cone Maker
 
2011-12-07 08:41:41 PM
Gordon Bennett Add Favorite User Quote 2011-12-07 08:18:25 PM Ignore User
Who sold them the machines, and does that person have any relation whatsoever to those who authorised the purchase?


www.lardlad.com
 
2011-12-07 08:42:36 PM
I see they understand how to sidetrack any invading Canadians.

I hear they're getting Slurpee machines for North Dakota and Minnesota for just this eventuality.
 
2011-12-07 08:43:13 PM
If they give the terrorists the raspberry flavor they should surrender immediately for medical care because surely the blue tongue is a sign of poison.

Sadly, there is no guava, mango or passionfruit.
Link (new window)
 
2011-12-07 08:44:23 PM
SeedFreak [TotalFark] Add Favorite User Quote 2011-12-07 08:43:13 PM Ignore User
If they give the terrorists the raspberry flavor they should surrender immediately for medical care because surely the blue tongue is a sign of poison.

Sadly, there is no guava, mango or passionfruit.
Link (new window)



Those snowcones only come in freedom and Jesus flavor.
 
2011-12-07 08:46:34 PM
Wasn't the first dude Todd Palin some kind of champion snow machine guy?
I guess anything to get him out of the house and away from crazy wife even if it's colder than a witches teet outside is a good thing.
 
2011-12-07 08:51:43 PM
Harry Freakstorm: According to The Daily News, commission head honcho Sandeep Dey said one county's request for a popcorn machine "was denied." Have you ever tried bombarding an Al Qaeda member with popcorn balls? They just stand there and look at you like you're some kind of weird clown. Popcorn is utterly useless in fighting terrorists.

Set up Free Popcorn stations around target areas. Terrorists will eat the popcorn. Then announce the popcorn was popped with pig fat. Now, no terrorist can get in the Heaven so they won't complete their mission.


BRILLIANT!
 
2011-12-07 08:58:11 PM
BronyMedic: Holy. farking. shiat.

You have to be kidding me. No, really, you've got to be kidding me. There are Fire Departments out there with 30 year old SCBAs that are getting turned down for homeland grant money, but these asshats are able to buy this?

Really?


Even better is when the Fire Dept puts in a grant request for new firefighting equipment and then they receive the grant money with the stipulation that it cannot be used to purchase firefighting equipment.

Or even better was a neighboring department in rural Texas put in a request money to purchase a newish brush truck. They got a grant that stipulated they must use it to purchase a brand new ladder truck. Last I heard, the truck spent 90% of its time being a parade float and they still hadn't gotten a BT.

/Department of Homeland Stupidity
 
2011-12-07 09:04:16 PM
JasonOfOrillia: I see they understand how to sidetrack any invading Canadians.

I hear they're getting Slurpee machines for North Dakota and Minnesota for just this eventuality.


Too late! Manitoba has been building up their Slurpee machine arsenal for decades. We'll never catch up.

/Slurpees made from venison
//that's deer
///let's go to Canada; let's leave today
////Canada, oh Canada! I si vous plait
 
2011-12-07 09:12:46 PM
FTFA The West Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission, which manages homeland security operations, um, along the western Michigan shoreline

Montcalm County is of course landlocked.

/Yes I'm from there.
//A $900 machine doubled the net worth of the county.
///Cherry please.
 
2011-12-07 09:13:43 PM
So... I don't get it. Montcalm county is virtually nowhere. The fact that they've gotten away with this so far means not only are they sleazy bastards, but the DHS is seriously farking failing at their job. I don't care that there's a bazillion counties in America. If we're supposed to trust them to let not one terrorist perform an act of carnage in this country, we'd damn well better be able to trust them to do their farking research by checking Wiki.

Of course, that's with the understanding that DHS is useful at all...
 
2011-12-07 09:15:04 PM
All i could think was this when reading the article

1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2011-12-07 09:20:46 PM
snow cone machines

i.imgur.com
 
2011-12-07 09:22:36 PM
I hate government.
 
2011-12-07 09:25:01 PM
Why not 5000 tongue depressors?
 
2011-12-07 09:30:52 PM
fat boy: Why not 5000 tongue depressors?

I don't think the terrorists suffer from happy tongue.
 
2011-12-07 09:54:39 PM
It's better than giving the authorities a farking tank or gallons of pepper spray or anything else they would then feel they need to use on civillians.
 
2011-12-07 10:01:52 PM
This is a standard tool for espionage agencies. Surely, Sherman my dear boy, you've heard...of the...snow cone of silence?
 
2011-12-07 10:02:31 PM
sixtyten: It's better than giving the authorities a farking tank or gallons of pepper spray or anything else they would then feel they need to use on civillians.

THIS! Watching the little podunk PD that used to patrol the village where we lived in New York (1 full time "chief", 1 part time "sergeant') get handed 2 black SUVs, body armor, M-4s, tear gas grenades, and a bunch of black tactical gear scared the shiat out of me. I would rather they had kept the beat up old Crown Vic and tan uniforms. First off, I thought the fat farks would pass out trying to wear all that crap, plus, I was sure that eventually, giving those morons that gear would lead to an "incident". I'm just glad I don't live there anymore.

If you called 911, you didn't even get those idiots. The responders would be either the County Sheriffs Office or the Staties. I'm pretty sure that the only function of the locals was to catch guys speeding down the road towards the local Army base in the morning, and to let the chief declare his buddies "volunteer auxiliaries" so they could have badges and get concealed carry permits.
 
M-G
2011-12-07 10:07:26 PM
Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
 
2011-12-07 10:15:43 PM
Better than giving some podunk PD assault weapons and tanks because terrorist are just waiting to bring America to its knees by hitting the middle of nowhere where maybe 200 people live.

The week after 9-11 was interesting to watch people in South Dakota freaking out, talking about buying guns to fight incoming terrorists. Wouldn't want Al Queso attacking your Cul de Sac.
 
2011-12-07 10:22:58 PM
M-G: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".

+1
/RIP
 
2011-12-07 10:25:21 PM
Bohemian: Better than giving some podunk PD assault weapons and tanks because terrorist are just waiting to bring America to its knees by hitting the middle of nowhere where maybe 200 people live.

The week after 9-11 was interesting to watch people in South Dakota freaking out, talking about buying guns to fight incoming terrorists. Wouldn't want Al Queso attacking your Cul de Sac.


The problem is the "insane" guy in Norway did exactly that. He planted a bomb that tied up police all over for hours then found a secluded out of the way spot then started shooting anyone that moved.

Of course, in South Dakota there would be a lower concentration of people and a higher ratio of guns. And better defensive shooters probably.
 
2011-12-07 10:35:32 PM
You know what's great about the Department of Homeland Security? Neither does anyone else.
 
2011-12-07 10:35:36 PM
Baz the Spaz: I hate government.

I don't. I hate the talking vomit we keep putting in charge of government.
 
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