Weirdly bad 2011 aside, David DeJesus is the person I think of when I think "generic MLB outfielder". He hits for a decent average, draws a reasonable number of walks, and has just enough power to keep him in the lineup. He can play iffy defense in CF, good defense in RF, or great defense in LF. He's not really good or really bad at anything. The only thing he ever led the league in was HBP, for one season.

It's sad to say, but that's a nice upgrade for the Cubs, assuming his thumb is healed and he can stay healthy. At least it's a short contract.at a reasonable price.

Nobody f*cks with DeJesus!

bacongood: One of those "meh" moves that makes a lot of baseball sense, but doesn't really move the needle.

Yeah. If you built a baseball team the way the press wants you to, you'd have three superstar sluggers, a scrappy but terrible middle infielder, two flame-throwing aces, a closer with scary eyes, and 18 homeless people.

Is David DeJesus going to carry you to the World Series? No. Is your team about 2 wins better than it was yesterday? Yes.

Jamdug!: Nobody f*cks with DeJesus!

Signed, Epstein's Mother.

chimp_ninja: Yeah. If you built a baseball team the way the press wants you to, you'd have three superstar sluggers, a scrappy but terrible middle infielder, two flame-throwing aces, a closer with scary eyes, and 18 homeless people.

You forgot about the guy who wears high socks and tells jokes. He's the one that creates a good clubhouse atmosphere

scandalrag: This guy with the high socks and jokes, does he have a haircut/facial hair that straight out of amateur porn? Because then he could double as the good quote guy. The press is going to need a good quote guy.

The guy with the porn hair should probably be this guy:

Super Chronic: And the fireplug catcher who can't hit for shiat and is only okay defensively, but goddammit, the pitchers love working with him and he calls a great game.

The good quote guy can be split between joke guy and the scrappy middle infielder. Joke guy shows how bonded the team is (but only if they win - if they lose, he's blamed for a "lax attitude") and scrappy middle infielder has to wear his heart on his sleeve and represent how hard the team tries and how much they care

mohron: Rex_Banner: scandalrag: This guy with the high socks and jokes, does he have a haircut/facial hair that straight out of amateur porn? Because then he could double as the good quote guy. The press is going to need a good quote guy.

The guy with the porn hair should probably be this guy:

Super Chronic: And the fireplug catcher who can't hit for shiat and is only okay defensively, but goddammit, the pitchers love working with him and he calls a great game.

The good quote guy can be split between joke guy and the scrappy middle infielder. Joke guy shows how bonded the team is (but only if they win - if they lose, he's blamed for a "lax attitude") and scrappy middle infielder has to wear his heart on his sleeve and represent how hard the team tries and how much they care

Don't forget the "crafty" lefthander in the pen. He might be 60 years old and only pitch 2/3 of an inning each week, but "he can teach a lot of the younger guys about baseball" and dammit I am playing the percentages.

Oh. Speaking of playing the percentages, you need a left-handed pinch-hitter who is incapable of running or playing any defensive position, but signs with an NL team after the age of 40 anyway. It's helpful if his inability to run is a combination of weight gain (sorry, "veteran-ness") and injuries, so you can admire his moxie/grit for going out there one more time. He's give you 30 trips to the plate, yielding 6 singles, 2 walks, and a very touching HR that will be replayed with a soft focus lens. The home run will extend an 8-6 lead to 9-6, yet will only ever be referred to as a "clutch" home run.

We're well on the way to a 75-87 roster here!

Hate to break it to you, Subby, but Epstein isn't the Cubs' GM.

Super Chronic: Super Chronic: Okay, let's get it all out in the open. So far we have an NL team with Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Corey Hart in the middle of the order (just to pick one franchise with three all-star type sluggers, for now anyway); a starting rotation of Josh Johnson, Anibal Sanchez and Pray For Rain; David Eckstein and Brendan Ryan in the middle infield; Jeff Mathis behind the plate; Arthur Rhodes in the 'pen; and Raul Ibanez as a backup outfielder. How're we doing?

I forgot the Closer With Scary Eyes. Hello, Kyle Farnsworth.

Hrm. Maybe we need Juan Pierre-- a first-pitch-swinging, slap-hitting, low-OBP guy to lead off, steal bases (and lead the league in CS.... again), and provide surprisingly poor defense. For free, we'll also get throws that bounce twice on the way to the cutoff man. He'll shift to CF despite his inability to play there any more, because he's a "team-first" guy. He'll bring "excitement" and "aggression" to a "smallball" approach, even though our offense will consist almost exclusively of Fielder/Braun/Hart hitting homers. In short, he'll "play the game the way it's meant to be played". (In contrast, another outfielder might try to run directly to third after strike 3, then perform an interpretative dance.) For bonus media attention, he'll wear a comically large baseball cap on his tiny head.