What a boring list. Star Wars would likely be no better.

I hereby propose that we change this to lessons learned from Firefly. I'll start:

1. If someone tries to kill you, you kill them right back.
2. People can travel as freight. Just never let the Postmaster see you.
3. Be sure to stand clear of the air intakes.
4. The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.
5. Bounty hunters tend to get philosophical. Does that seem right to you?

8) Don't talk smack about Berman or he will have Gul'Dukat kill you.

Also missing: you can totally knock someone out by giving them a weak karate chop between their shoulder blades.

but damn I love me some Trek

/TOS FTW
//However, I always wondered why some of the crappy fights in TOS required stunt doubles (I'm thinking of Kirk's fight at the end of Space Seed)

hogans: What a boring list. Star Wars would likely be no better.

I hereby propose that we change this to lessons learned from Firefly. I'll start:

1. If someone tries to kill you, you kill them right back.
2. People can travel as freight. Just never let the Postmaster see you.
3. Be sure to stand clear of the air intakes.
4. The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.
5. Bounty hunters tend to get philosophical. Does that seem right to you?

6. Half of writing history is hiding the truth

I would say that lesson #5 should be lesson #1. Never wear red when exploring anywhere new. Also, #8: alien chicks are horny.

PsyLord: Never wear red when exploring anywhere new.

Not so much that as, your best friends never die, no matter how dangerous the situation. Instead, it's the stranger you just met that gets picked off.*

*Tasha Yar Corrolary: The cut-off is one full season. If you last a full season, you are immortal.

9) They know what Morse code is (Space Seed), but apparently Captain Pike was too lazy to learn it.

(If he could make the light blink once or twice for Yes/No answers, then he had enough control over it to send Morse, and he could have fully testified at Spock's Court Martial by spelling out his answers in Morse).

I learned everything I needed to know about healthy lifestyle from Star Trek: "Live longer? Poppycock! I can do more for you if you just eat right and exercise regularly" - Dr. Leonard McCoy, The Omega Glory

dittybopper: (If he could make the light blink once or twice for Yes/No answers, then he had enough control over it to send Morse, and he could have fully testified at Spock's Court Martial by spelling out his answers in Morse).

Actually, it would've been a trivial thing to equip his scooter with a translator that converted Morse code into speech. I get that the tech wasn't there in the 1960s, but that's a pretty said failure of vision and it wouldn't have affected their shoestring budget much.

dragonchild: PsyLord: Never wear red when exploring anywhere new.

Not so much that as, your best friends never die, no matter how dangerous the situation. Instead, it's the stranger you just met that gets picked off.*

*Tasha Yar Corrolary: The cut-off is one full season. If you last a full season, you are immortal.

There are a few people that would not meet that corollary. Jadzia Dax, for one. Then there are some minor characters that have lasted longer than 1 season and get the axe. Such as Gowron and Seska to name a few,

PsyLord: There are a few people that would not meet that corollary. Jadzia Dax, for one. Then there are some minor characters that have lasted longer than 1 season and get the axe. Such as Gowron and Seska to name a few,

I am less nerdy than you. Whether that's a confession or a concession is up to you.

Oh yeah, and dropping a rock on a lizard man doesn't bloody work. You need to cobble a cannon together from a dead tree and handy nearby minerals. Jeez...

Of course it's missing, Subby... The dropped rock didn't work, hence the subsequent need for diamonds, charcoal, sulphur, and potassium nitrate.

...and I need to update more often.

dragonchild: PsyLord: There are a few people that would not meet that corollary. Jadzia Dax, for one. Then there are some minor characters that have lasted longer than 1 season and get the axe. Such as Gowron and Seska to name a few,

I am less nerdy than you. Whether that's a confession or a concession is up to you.

Theres also the best friend of the captain who dies off screen. Crusher and Picard were close friends. Hence why he took care of Dr Crusher and her son.

That was actually a pretty good list. I approve.

And yes, I've been to a Star Trek convention. No I didn't dress up. Yes I did pick up some cool Firefly swag. No I'll never wash the image of the 300 lb woman selling Kirk/ Spock slash fiction out of my brain.

dragonchild:
Actually, it would've been a trivial thing to equip his scooter with a translator that converted Morse code into speech. I get that the tech wasn't there in the 1960s, but that's a pretty said failure of vision and it wouldn't have affected their shoestring budget much.

At that point in the fluff history the Federation had access to cybernetics, neural implants and such. Unless the chair was supposed to be like Vader's suit (i.e. healing device come life support) there was little reason why he couldn't walk in to the court room and talk.

Considering Pike was a ranking officer in Star Fleet he'd have had sufficient sway/currency (in the form of energy allowance) to get himself fixed up; if he'd wanted to.

That episode was more to do with it being the 60's, shoe string budget and a desire to use footage from The Cage, along with setting up quite explicitly that the Enterprise was neither shiny or the flagship. She was an old beater by the time Kirk got her and really shouldn't of been able to survive the crazy crap Kirk & co shoved her in to.

Proof, perhaps, that raw awesome can out perform even a Federation shield generator.

I was pleased that he left critical thinking and basic composition off his list, as it seemed to lack both.

skodabunny: Oh yeah, and dropping a rock on a lizard man doesn't bloody work. You need to cobble a cannon together from a dead tree and handy nearby minerals. Jeez...

Seems I'm living that episode, from both the side of the Gorn:



And from the side of Kirk:

sarah_t_s: Considering Pike was a ranking officer in Star Fleet he'd have had sufficient sway/currency (in the form of energy allowance) to get himself fixed up; if he'd wanted to.

One of Star Trek's biggest appeals is its vision of unlimited energy leading to a casteless society. If Star Trek wanted to show Pike all cybered up that would've happened if he was a guy off the street. Fact is, budget was only part of the issue. The other issues were that A) Jeffrey Hunter was unavailable for "The Menagerie" and B) his debilitation was a huge plot point. If he was walking around in a cybernetically reconstructed body there'd be no plot.

The only perk he got was that Starfleet permitted him to be beamed back to Talos IV, and really only because they were already there.

dittybopper: Seems I'm living that episode, from both the side of the Gorn:

Dude, just put that picture of that arrowhead in your goddamn profile already.

Subby failed headline. Everyone knows Kirk created a crude cannon using only sulphur, rocks and a can of chick peas and shot the Gorn from close range.

When in doubt, reverse polarity.

dragonchild: dittybopper: Seems I'm living that episode, from both the side of the Gorn:

Dude, just put that picture of that arrowhead in your goddamn profile already.

What about this one:

dragonchild:
One of Star Trek's biggest appeals is its vision of unlimited energy leading to a casteless society.

Agreed, but I must point out that the Federation are a post scarcity society in terms of raw materials however there is still currency because energy is limited. The minimum standard of living on Trek's Earth is WAY higher than ours (there are no starving people or homeless) but it takes currency to go beyond that minimum.

It's only hinted at and only mentioned in one scene of DS9 but Benjamin's farther points out his son blew his months energy allotment transporting himself home every night during his first week and his farther had to DRIVE him back to the academy despite a working transport pad.

So whilst every home might have a transport pad in it, unless you are comfortably 'wealthy' they are for emergency use only (same as having a free phone line but it's for dialling 999/911 & incoming calls these days).

See My Az Go:
But Dax lived on somehow.

Dax is about 18 inches big and some 200 odd years old.
Jadzia was 5ft something and in her mid 30's.

It's very easy to survive most things when you're wrapped in side a meat container that takes the beating for you and can survive for a period of time both outside the host or inside with the host itself dead.

Dax was probably still running around in the 29th Century. Ezri? Not so much.

sarah_t_s: Agreed, but I must point out that the Federation are a post scarcity society in terms of raw materials however there is still currency because energy is limited. The minimum standard of living on Trek's Earth is WAY higher than ours (there are no starving people or homeless) but it takes currency to go beyond that minimum. It's only hinted at and only mentioned in one scene of DS9

DS9 is Star Trek for people who hate Star Trek. The premise of Star Trek is that there is no scarcity and that's only partly because of magical dilithium crystals. It's also partly because most people are no longer dumbasses. I pretty much reject everything in DS9 not because of the quality, but because it's just not Star Trek. Flavor-wise, it's more like the cast of Babylon 5 wearing Starfleet uniforms.

I will admit that a lot of Star Trek sucks and DS9 doesn't belong in the "parts of Star Trek that suck" category, but adding back some realism in the form of scarcity is 100% contradictory to the vision Gene Roddenberry had.

sarah_t_s: See My Az Go:
But Dax lived on somehow.

Dax is about 18 inches big and some 200 odd years old.
Jadzia was 5ft something and in her mid 30's.

It's very easy to survive most things when you're wrapped in side a meat container that takes the beating for you and can survive for a period of time both outside the host or inside with the host itself dead.

Dax was probably still running around in the 29th Century. Ezri? Not so much.


I wouldn't mind being wrapped inside Jadzia's meat container. Wait, what?

/love those spots

GuyFawkes: sarah_t_s: See My Az Go:
But Dax lived on somehow.

Dax is about 18 inches big and some 200 odd years old.
Jadzia was 5ft something and in her mid 30's.

It's very easy to survive most things when you're wrapped in side a meat container that takes the beating for you and can survive for a period of time both outside the host or inside with the host itself dead.

Dax was probably still running around in the 29th Century. Ezri? Not so much.


I wouldn't mind being wrapped inside Jadzia's meat container. Wait, what?

/love those spots

They go all the way down...

dragonchild: but adding back some realism in the form of scarcity is 100% contradictory to the vision Gene Roddenberry had.

Dunno, but even with the scarcity of energy that DS9 hinted at, regular Joe's like you or me would never notice it. We'd not be in the streets begging for energy credits or similar and we could both sit on our fat asses from cradle to grave in what would be utter luxury compared to the present. People might look down on us for doing so and peer pressure would be to contribute to the greater good somehow but fark em, I want more replicated hot pockets!

Besides they do point out that energy is stupidly easy to earn; you just have to contribute to society in some way. I think adding in that small bit of scarcity does help flesh out Gene's vision though, they're human... but they really are trying to be better and more grown up than us.

GuyFawkes:
I wouldn't mind being wrapped inside Jadzia's meat container. Wait, what?

/love those spots

Yes, the spots are hot. I'd rug munch Jadzia quite happily... the 'worm' not so much.

PsyLord: Also, #8: alien chicks are horny.

I'll say, "this as well. Being the new foreign guy almost always increases your chances of getting laid. Women seem biologically programmed to want the man that's outside of her normal peer group, along with the whole getting to know the mysterious foreigner.

That said, I like a lot of this list. I wish it wasn't all TOS. No love for TNG, DS9, or Voyager?

PsyLord:

/love those spots

They go all the way down...

I loved that line. Just watched the episode where Dax and Worf went on vacation - good times!

/Dax>Troi>Crusher
//but I wouldn't be too picky
///big DS9 fan, not as good as TNG of course, still a fun show

dragonchild: I will admit that a lot of Star Trek sucks and DS9 doesn't belong in the "parts of Star Trek that suck" category, but adding back some realism in the form of scarcity is 100% contradictory to the vision Gene Roddenberry had.

DS9 also was looking at a lot of situations where the Federation had significantly less influence. Star Trek's premise wasn't that the universe had become perfect because of the development of Federation technology, but rather that the tools are there for us to create utopia. An example would be the first episodes of Voyager, where there are alien civilizations that wallow in need because of their lack of replicator technology.

DS9 was just slightly beyond the border of that capacity. It showed a contrast to the great work that Starfleet was doing by showing how farked up non-Starfleet societies could make things.

Dangl1ng: or Voyager?

How to fail your astro-navigation exam and still make Captain.

She wasn't 70 years from home. She was 7 - 10 years from home given all the canon fluff about an Intrepid class's top speed and maximum sustainability of such.

Voyager would take 70 years to get home only if someone a) left the handbrake on, b) couldn't get it out of reverse (stupid flappy paddle gearboxes) and c) managed to snap off both nacelles.

Dumping Voyager in another quadrant of the same galaxy was a major plot mistake, they should of dumped it in another galaxy all together.

sarah_t_s: Voyager would take 70 years to get home only if someone a) left the handbrake on, b) couldn't get it out of reverse (stupid flappy paddle gearboxes) and c) managed to snap off both nacelles.

Or if they crash into a sentient ball of gas every 2-3 days. Also:

sarah_t_s: Dumping Voyager in another quadrant of the same galaxy was a major plot mistake, they should of dumped it in another galaxy all together.

This boggles my mind. By the time Voyager was in production we already knew that the universe consisted of billions of galaxies; they only put an arbitrary speed limit on their starships to avoid the question of why we wouldn't go beyond it. The underlying reason, of course, is a single galaxy is conceptually big enough for sci-fi writers to fill an entire library with wonder, and beyond that things start to get too wacky for laymen to digest anyway. But if we're talking about a stray starship whose sole revised mission is to get home. . . WTF? The premise of the show is like me trying to find a way to drive from Bellingham to Seattle on a full tank of gas. Why not some galaxy in a remote cluster billions of light-years away?? Hell, TNG did it!

Honestly, once Gene Roddenberry died the show went into the hands of people with very limited vision and it's only gotten worse. I mean, in the last decade we've discovered some truly mind-boggling things and CGI costs have gone way down. . . so of course the latest Star Trek movie is a reboot with the standard action movie formula.

dragonchild: The premise of the show is like me trying to find a way to drive from Bellingham to Seattle on a full tank of gas. Why not some galaxy in a remote cluster billions of light-years away?? Hell, TNG did it!

Yep. The mission is to get home, so lets detour the whole ship because probes are expensive.

The problem stems from TNG; they wanted to make ships faster than the old Enterprise so they did and considerably so as far as the TNG tech manual is concerned.

If Voyager had started off with the premis that the ship only had provisions for a month or two tour of the Badlands it would of been better but raises the question of why they'd send a ship out with the fuel tank on reserve.

Whilst I liked the nuTrek movie I do agree, it was a pretty generic action movie at heart and whilst a funny guy and good actor Simon Pegg is the wrong choice for Scotty.

Dangl1ng: PsyLord: Also, #8: alien chicks are horny.

I'll say, "this as well. Being the new foreign guy almost always increases your chances of getting laid. Women seem biologically programmed to want the man that's outside of her normal peer group, along with the whole getting to know the mysterious foreigner.

That said, I like a lot of this list. I wish it wasn't all TOS. No love for TNG, DS9, or Voyager?

This.

I spent a couple weeks up north (about 75 miles from the end of roads). Women started falling all over themselves. Grabbing me in front of their husbands, taking my picture, surreptitious touching... the works! I was fresh meat in a 2 horse town (saw both horses). Am not even much to look at.

sarah_t_s: She wasn't 70 years from home. She was 7 - 10 years from home given all the canon fluff about an Intrepid class's top speed and maximum sustainability of such.

Voyager would take 70 years to get home only if someone a) left the handbrake on, b) couldn't get it out of reverse (stupid flappy paddle gearboxes) and c) managed to snap off both nacelles.

Dumping Voyager in another quadrant of the same galaxy was a major plot mistake, they should of dumped it in another galaxy all together.

Fortunately, Janeway was a blithering, incompetent idiot who shouldn't have commanded a garbage scow, so they were essentially able to maintain dramatic tension.

/Kirk would have gotten them home by the end of the 1st episode.

extroverted_suicide:
/Kirk would have gotten them home by the end of the 1st episode.

And killed everything in the Delta quadrant and banged enough freaky alien chicks to repopulate said quadrant.

extroverted_suicide: Fortunately, Janeway was a blithering, incompetent idiot who shouldn't have commanded a garbage scow, so they were essentially able to maintain dramatic tension.

/Kirk would have gotten them home by the end of the 1st episode.

...And he would have still managed to father an entire civilization worth of children with hundreds of hot alien chicks of every hue, stripe, spot, brow ridge, cranial crest, and metabolic or respiratory requirement.

It would have been better if Janeway's history had been that she was a reactivated Commander given Captaincy after 18 years of flying a desk and was in command of a museum piece (Voyager should have been an old ship name, not a brand-new one) and that both she and the ship were only pressed into service because of the events of Wolf 359. Then, on the eve of them both being permanently mothballed, and the sleek Voyager we got in the series being seen under construction in the shipyard, she gets a routine mission which results in the rest of the storyline. (That'd be a BSG-Reboot angle.) Only without endless shuttlecraft and torpedoes. And having to really scrounge and deal and steal for food and supplies and have to cobble repairs from found tech and make only incidental innovations. And no humanoid Borg, so that when Voyager does start encountering humanoid Borg, we know that it's former allies and crewmembers.

Seven of Nine could exist with a similar backstory to what we saw but she'd only be 12 or something, which would keep with the timeline continuity and also Janeway's motherly attitude towards her. As opposed to the homoerotic one she had with the adult Seven. And Harry Kim, after they take him aboard from the duplicate Voyager where he didn't die (in this case during the second season), reveals that unlike the Harry Kim we'd seen so far, he's not gay, which makes Tom Paris so upset that he starts dating B'Elanna because she's into Klingon B & D and likes to strap one on. And maybe there's also a crewmember named Ensign Jennerik Reddchirt who always survives away missions, even when established characters with character development don't. And everyone hates him for it. Also, they shouldn't have gotten home until the 75 years or so that was originally projected, and the entire crew were in stasis pods and using holographic avatars because they'd otherwise be dead. Or Borged into an autonomous Voyager Collective. Or the ship crewed by people who only know of their destination because of the original crew's determination to go there. And the Federation and Starfleet are very different and don't remember them at all because the new ship that was being finished when they went missing had such an illustrious career. And somewhere along the line they should have encountered a dimensional warp where they were just a TV show from Earth that an alien race had picked up transmissions of and which they made a cult fandom for, kind of like a reverse Galaxy Quest. And Q would show up and de-age Janeway halfway through the series as a bribe to convince her to have a child with him, which she would refuse, and he'd leave her young just so she could be tempted when he returned the next season and said he'd re-age her if she still refused, and in the meanwhile she'd be getting sexed up by every able crewmember until she actually consented to do the deed and the baby Q would instantly gestate to birth and then to adolescence and Q, with Q Jr., would undo the entire previous year for Voyager, only instead of being a magic "all is well" reset switch, the ship and crew would have to deal with the consequences of a year they have no memory or record of but the rest of the universe does. Just because they were constantly cutting deals with and interfering in other civilizations and running away in the real series. I'd love to see them all "Why would we do that??" and having made deals they forgot to honor and getting their asses kicked for it and all. That'd be the reverse of "Year Of Hell" story from Voyager combined with the Q stories. And the holographic Doctor should, because of being left on for so long, use up so much of the computer's resources that he periodically has to be reformatted, which compresses and archives his old memory, changes his personality and appearance, and makes him unstable for a time afterwards. They should also make the sickbay a virtual space of tremendous potential size by using holographic systems. And paint the doors to the sickbay blue.

Grotesk: TL;DR Stuff.

No.



Better idea.

/This is the USS Equinox... hand it over or bring it.
//Starfleet gets it's YARRR on in the Delta Quadrant.

"Get that cheese to Sickbay"

/Facepalm
//Just replace the entire cast with Jeri Lynn Ryan and it would have been fine
///And don't make your shipwide circuitry biological in case it would get contaminated with spores, molds, fungi or bacteria.