antidisestablishmentarianism: I LOL'd.

I don't see what's so funny about this. Those 10-year-old boys in TFA have a perfectly valid grievance and it's insensitive of you to mock them over it.

No Child's Behind Left Alone.

InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

IT BEGINS

Pearson fielded several questions from reporters, such as whether it is okay, when one sees a boy being raped, to wait until after lunch before contacting police, or if it is acceptable to simply inform the rapist in a firm tone that what he is doing is wrong and then leave it at that. The 10-year-old confirmed neither course of action was adequate.

I heart The Onion.

Slightly off topic: in the extremely unlikely event I have a daughter (son?) who goes to a university where athletics are its pre-eminent program, and she got raped by a star of that program, I would want her (him?) to call the local police. I think the campus cops may very well help cover it up. Actually, some on the local police might cover it up, too. State police, than?

ignatiusst: Sure, everyone knows to report "rape rape", but what if it's "rape"?

Wait till the rape rape begins then report it.

"Wouldn't you be left with egg on your face if that little boy was actually being raped and you didn't tell the police!"

Shouldn't egg be seed?

ForMadmenOnly: "Wouldn't you be left with egg on your face if that little boy was actually being raped and you didn't tell the police!"

Shouldn't egg be seed?

I like the cut of your jib, sir!!

Article says nothing about 10 year old girls

ComicBookGuy: Slightly off topic: in the extremely unlikely event I have a daughter (son?) who goes to a university where athletics are its pre-eminent program, and she got raped by a star of that program, I would want her (him?) to call the local police. I think the campus cops may very well help cover it up. Actually, some on the local police might cover it up, too. State police, than?

Sadly, I think you'd be boned. If the school is high enough profile, even the state police will probably cover it up.

Inigo: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

IT BEGINS

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I read this article yesterday and thought that it would take at least 48 hours for the stupid to start burning. Looks like I was wrong.

Cringe-worthy sarcasm is the best sarcasm.

This gets the Jonathan Swift Seal of Approval.

is this real

Of all the things that I hate that my work blocks, The Onion has to be 2nd on the list.

I'm sorry but it's absolutely vital to the continued success of my favorite team that anything harmful to the team's image be kept secret. Sacrifices have to be made.

thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

which part? the laughable idea that anyone would rape a 10 year old boy or the ridiculous demand that such an act be reported to the police?

[www.brianchalfin.com image 500x224]

My sarcasm monitor seems to be malfunctioning...

if ten year old boys can't consent then it stands to reason that they can't be non-consenting either. this is a legal/moral grey area at best.

WTF am I reading?

Bluemookie: Article says nothing about 10 year old girls

Nor if the rapist was a hot school teacher.

Inigo: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

IT BEGINS

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Onion articles are great for figuring out who is only capable of reading headlines, and then promptly ignoring the living shiat outta their face

hp6sa: Of all the things that I hate that my work blocks, The Onion has to be 2nd on the list.

For you:

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State earlier this month, a coalition of 10-year-old boys from across the nation held a press conference Saturday outside Beaver Stadium, home of college football's Nittany Lions, to remind Americans that if they see someone raping a prepubescent boy, they should contact the police immediately.

"Considering that the monstrous acts perpetrated by Jerry Sandusky went unreported for years, even after a fellow coach saw him raping a 10-year-old boy inside the facility behind me, we feel perhaps not everyone is totally clear on what to do if one witnesses such a thing," said spokesperson Joshua Pearson, who was flanked by several of his fifth-grade colleagues. "Many of you will no doubt be relieved to know the proper course of action is really quite simple: Just contact the police. Call 911, go to your local precinct, stop an officer on the street-the bottom line is, if you see one of us getting raped, notify the police, and do so as quickly as possible."

"It doesn't matter who the boy being raped is, and it doesn't matter who is doing the raping, just please, please alert law enforcement," Pearson added as the 10-year-old boys surrounding him nodded soberly. "And by the way, under no circumstances is it ever okay for an adult to rape a 10-year-old boy, so you really can't go wrong by calling the police when something like that happens."

Enlarge ImageThis man was spotted raping a 10-year-old boy on Mar. 1, 2002. So the police should have been called on Mar. 1, 2002. Understand?

Pearson fielded several questions from reporters, such as whether it is okay, when one sees a boy being raped, to wait until after lunch before contacting police, or if it is acceptable to simply inform the rapist in a firm tone that what he is doing is wrong and then leave it at that. The 10-year-old confirmed neither course of action was adequate.

Additionally, Pearson attempted to clear up any confusion as to whether an individual should contact the police even if he or she has been personally acquainted with the rapist for many years.

"We understand the delicacy of the situation when the person committing the rape is a coworker or otherwise someone you know quite well, but as 10-year-old boys with very few ways of protecting ourselves, we still have to insist that you go to the police," Pearson said. "While we appreciate your reporting such acts to a supervisor at work or a trusted clergy member, unfortunately that may not be enough, and it is not the most responsible course of action. As the sad events at Penn State have taught us, there is no way to guarantee the highly important boy-raping information will reach the proper authorities unless you deliver it yourself."

"So, to reiterate: If you ever see a 10-year-old boy being raped-by anyone, at any time, even if it's a Sunday afternoon-it is very, very important that you go directly to the police and clearly explain what you saw, remembering to identify the person who was doing the raping," Pearson continued.

According to Pearson, even if one merely suspects he or she has seen a 10-year-old boy being raped, but is not absolutely certain, it is still a good idea to play it safe and allow police investigators to sort out the situation.

"Wouldn't you be left with egg on your face if that little boy was actually being raped and you didn't tell the police!" said Pearson, drawing a big laugh from the gathered crowd.

The nation's 10-year-olds unanimously echoed Pearson's sentiments, imploring people to contact police not only when they see prepubescent boys being raped, but, in fact, when they see anyone at all being raped, in any context.

"Certainly, if you were to see me being raped, I would want you to call the police-I'm a 10-year-old boy who couldn't possibly give my consent, or even fully grasp the horror of what was happening to me," Sioux Falls, SD resident Nick Kealey, 10, said between games of Mario Kart DS. "What's really at issue here is the act of rape itself. So, yes, if you see a 10-year-old boy like me being raped, by all means, call the police. But don't just walk on by if you see, say, a teenage girl being raped in a locker room, or even a full-grown man being raped in an alleyway. These are also situations in which you should definitely call the police, and right away."

"Seeing any person get raped at any time, even just once, is more than enough reason to contact the police," Kealey added. "I can't stress that enough."

Following Saturday's announcement, police stations around the country reported a flood of incoming phone calls.

Bluemookie: Article says nothing about 10 year old girls

They cover all forms of rape at the end of the article.

namegoeshere: hp6sa: Of all the things that I hate that my work blocks, The Onion has to be 2nd on the list.

For you:

(article)i>

Thanks!

Bluemookie: Article says nothing about 10 year old girls

We all know those 10 year old girl sluts really want it. Wasn't there a link a couple of weeks back about a girl that was 4 going on 40 so the guy thought is was okay to violate her? I think this falls under that logic somehow.

Inigo: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

IT BEGINS

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I think I need to leave this planet for a while.....

[jeebuzfacepalm.jpg]

IrateShadow: Sadly, I think you'd be boned. If the school is high enough profile, even the state police will probably cover it up.

quickdraw: Yes state police (or county sheriff or city cops).

I would counsel her to get to Planned Parenthood and let them do the rape kit and keep it, if legally possible. I could see such a bit of evidence "disappearing" while in campus/local/etc police custody.

Of course, I would push for my daughter to go to Mt. Holyoke, so this would all be moot.

thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

which part? the laughable idea that anyone would rape a 10 year old boy or the ridiculous demand that such an act be reported to the police?

[www.brianchalfin.com image 500x224]

My sarcasm monitor seems to be malfunctioning...

if ten year old boys can't consent then it stands to reason that they can't be non-consenting either. this is a legal/moral grey area at best.

wait. what?

What if I see a 10-year-old boy raping someone? THEN what? Yeah, all you nanny-staters - "report this, report that" - think you have it all figured out, don'cha???

thomps: GriffXX: thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

which part? the laughable idea that anyone would rape a 10 year old boy or the ridiculous demand that such an act be reported to the police?

[www.brianchalfin.com image 500x224]

My sarcasm monitor seems to be malfunctioning...

if ten year old boys can't consent then it stands to reason that they can't be non-consenting either. this is a legal/moral grey area at best.

WTF am I reading?

do you disagree? do you think that 10 year old boys can consent to intercourse? you're disgusting.

*aha*

[recalibrates trollmeter]

got it now!

6/10

you got a couple bites there

thomps: GriffXX: thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: thomps: InOmnibusCaritas: Now we wait to see how many idiots think this is real.

which part? the laughable idea that anyone would rape a 10 year old boy or the ridiculous demand that such an act be reported to the police?

[www.brianchalfin.com image 500x224]

My sarcasm monitor seems to be malfunctioning...

if ten year old boys can't consent then it stands to reason that they can't be non-consenting either. this is a legal/moral grey area at best.

WTF am I reading?

do you disagree? do you think that 10 year old boys can consent to intercourse? you're disgusting.

No, I bolded the weird part. If they can't consent (which is the case), then they are non-consenting by default.

It's seems like such a maximum troll I can't believe it.

I see Jessica Milly is finally putting out.

Is the kid in blue available for parties?

It being the Onion, I half expected a section in there on "Rape Recognition" or "How to recognize that a 10 yr old is being raped".