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(UPI)   Yet another survey of office douchebaggery reveals lunch theft and sneezing into the boss' coffee. Douchebags   (upi.com) divider line 90
    More: Silly, sneeze  
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5412 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Nov 2011 at 10:13 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2011-11-26 08:14:28 AM  
Open office cropdusting didn't make the list?
 
2011-11-26 08:54:53 AM  
Another worker reported seeing a colleague take a picture of a coworker sleeping at her desk and sending it to the boss

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?
 
2011-11-26 09:42:48 AM  
Workers also complained of colleagues stealing lunches, clipping their nails at their desks, walking around the office barefoot, shouting at customers and mocking the work of other employees in public.

That's just gross. My boss used to do that at his desk, he also used to stop by my cubicle to chat and clean his ears with any spare bobby pins I had lying around. The loops would be full of wax when he took them out. I had to consciously stop myself from shuddering, thank god that job was only part time.
 
2011-11-26 10:03:17 AM  
I work from home, stories like this make me glad I do. You feel a little isolated at times, I'm usually watching the clock for 2:50 when the kids get off the bus and 5:00 when the wife gets home. At least I don't have to deal with annoying coworkers (well I don't have to be around them anyway) and there really aren't any office politics.
 
2011-11-26 10:08:18 AM  
So photocopying my ass is ok then?
 
2011-11-26 10:15:19 AM  
WE don't have any problems in our office.
Actually, it's a pretty cool place to work.
Most folks have candy dishes on their desks and you're encouraged to have a piece or two.
They bring in a birthday cake once a month, aternating cheesecake with double chocolate, and yellow cake with butter creme frosting, so we don't get bored.
We have two large fridge/freezers, two micowaves, two toaster ovens, a bagel toaster, garbage disposal, and a huge icemaker. I buy large condiments and write "public" on them in sharpie so no one ends up with a dry sammich. The IT guy always leaves 3 different bottles of hot sauce on the tables. The Keurig is state of the art, and they buy half and half buy the case load.
They're installing two large flat screen TVs on the wall this weekend for shaits and giggles.
There's a foos ball table in the break room, brandy new, too.
This is the only office gig I've ever had, and I just don't get the other posts.
You folks must work for some wierd companies.
 
2011-11-26 10:17:30 AM  

vudukungfu: WE don't have any problems in our office.
Actually, it's a pretty cool place to work.
Most folks have candy dishes on their desks and you're encouraged to have a piece or two.
They bring in a birthday cake once a month, aternating cheesecake with double chocolate, and yellow cake with butter creme frosting, so we don't get bored.
We have two large fridge/freezers, two micowaves, two toaster ovens, a bagel toaster, garbage disposal, and a huge icemaker. I buy large condiments and write "public" on them in sharpie so no one ends up with a dry sammich. The IT guy always leaves 3 different bottles of hot sauce on the tables. The Keurig is state of the art, and they buy half and half buy the case load.
They're installing two large flat screen TVs on the wall this weekend for shaits and giggles.
There's a foos ball table in the break room, brandy new, too.
This is the only office gig I've ever had, and I just don't get the other posts.
You folks must work for some wierd companies.


Is your ashram hiring?
 
2011-11-26 10:18:11 AM  

liverleef: I work from home, stories like this make me glad I do. You feel a little isolated at times, I'm usually watching the clock for 2:50 when the kids get off the bus and 5:00 when the wife gets home. At least I don't have to deal with annoying coworkers (well I don't have to be around them anyway) and there really aren't any office politics.


Yep.
Some people get so wrapped up in this meaningless nonsense.
 
2011-11-26 10:21:00 AM  
We have a lunch thief at my office. The problem's gotten so bad, our VP has vowed to fire the person if they're caught. Seriously farking annoying.
 
2011-11-26 10:21:45 AM  
upload.wikimedia.org

As a recent initiate to "Parks and Recreation," I immediately thought of this man when I read "the boss' office."

He's so great.
 
2011-11-26 10:22:05 AM  
Of all of the things that my hometown could make Fark for, I suppose this isn't the worst.
 
2011-11-26 10:22:27 AM  
Make a sandwich with 9 Lives and put it in the fridge with chips, etc. Trust me on this one.
 
2011-11-26 10:23:32 AM  

Fuggin Bizzy: We have a lunch thief at my office. The problem's gotten so bad, our VP has vowed to fire the person if they're caught. Seriously farking annoying.


Take a can of coke to the hardware store and have them put it in the paint mixer for about 15 mins. Put it in your lunch and wait for the fireworks.
 
2011-11-26 10:28:06 AM  

markfara: Is your ashram hiring?


Sure is.
WE also get a huge discount for local gyms, and have a pool party BBQ in the summer.
 
2011-11-26 10:30:03 AM  

jmadisonbiii: Make a sandwich with 9 Lives and put it in the fridge with chips, etc. Trust me on this one.


I was thinking finely chopped habanero peppers would make a delicious addition to a sandwich.
 
2011-11-26 10:31:02 AM  

jmadisonbiii: Make a sandwich with 9 Lives and put it in the fridge with chips, etc. Trust me on this one.


I made a beautiful tuna sandwich for a lunch thief one time. Rye bread, lettuce, tomatoes, and a thick layer of tuna salad concealing some cat turds fresh out of the litter box. No one steals lunch on my shift anymore.
 
2011-11-26 10:31:14 AM  

vudukungfu: WE don't have any problems in our office.
Actually, it's a pretty cool place to work.

You folks must work for some wierd companies.


*weird

Obviously, your office doesn't know how to use spell-check or the dictionary. I will take my chances somewhere else.
 
2011-11-26 10:32:11 AM  
CSB time

I once worked for an asshole E-9 (we didn't call him Chef because he wasn't worth it). He had a special coffee mug. Since me and my buddy were always the first ones in each morning, we made the coffee. The E-9 always remarked at how good our coffee was. He never once found out about the daily ritual of swirling our cawks in his mug before work.

End CSB
 
2011-11-26 10:33:11 AM  

miss diminutive: Fuggin Bizzy: We have a lunch thief at my office. The problem's gotten so bad, our VP has vowed to fire the person if they're caught. Seriously farking annoying.

Take a can of coke to the hardware store and have them put it in the paint mixer for about 15 mins. Put it in your lunch and wait for the fireworks.


Dude, did you not read that their Vice President is on the case? The problem's handled.
 
2011-11-26 10:33:17 AM  
Next, Challenger, Gray and Christmas will release a survey claiming that office douchebaggery will cost business eleventy brazillian dollars per year. (new window)
 
2011-11-26 10:38:34 AM  

Catran: Obviously, your office doesn't know how to use spell-check or the dictionary. I will take my chances somewhere else.


I'm not at the office.
It would be warmer there.

Spellchick? How does that werk?
 
2011-11-26 10:39:16 AM  
The annoyance of coworkers is sorta balanced out by the pretty women you meet and the social part with the nice people you do meet at work. If it wasn't for one co-worker I wouldn't have got that great vacation recommendation and I do work in a nice area. Now if my boss would stop being a micromanaging, meddlesome person the job would be nice.
 
2011-11-26 10:39:23 AM  

Spanky3woods: CSB time

I once worked for an asshole E-9 (we didn't call him Chef because he wasn't worth it). He had a special coffee mug. Since me and my buddy were always the first ones in each morning, we made the coffee. The E-9 always remarked at how good our coffee was. He never once found out about the daily ritual of swirling our cawks in his mug before work.

End CSB


Which of you got sloppy seconds on the mug?
 
2011-11-26 10:43:09 AM  

Spanky3woods: CSB time

I once worked for an asshole E-9 (we didn't call him Chef because he wasn't worth it). He had a special coffee mug. Since me and my buddy were always the first ones in each morning, we made the coffee. The E-9 always remarked at how good our coffee was. He never once found out about the daily ritual of swirling our cawks in his mug before work.

End CSB


cool story bro - you must have a dong made of adamantium for it to survive a dip in scalding hot coffee

ooo just realized you said "mug" so not filled with boiling hot liquid - alrighty I can see that. Yes I know I could have deleted the above stuff, but I just didn't feel like deleting such awesome words like "dong" and "adamantium"
 
2011-11-26 10:44:58 AM  

jmadisonbiii: Make a sandwich with 9 Lives and put it in the fridge with chips, etc. Trust me on this one.


I like the idea of soaking an ordinary dill pickle in aloe vera juice for the surprise explosion in the lunch thief's underpants. Another thing to try is to go full-on-death-match and buy some of this for "free lunch" addition:
Evacuator Extreme Laxative (new window)
 
2011-11-26 10:47:00 AM  

jmadisonbiii: Make a sandwich with 9 Lives and put it in the fridge with chips, etc. Trust me on this one.


Someone pissed in my apple juice!
 
2011-11-26 10:51:35 AM  
lindagodfrey.files.wordpress.com

/approves
 
2011-11-26 10:53:16 AM  

skinink: The annoyance of coworkers is sorta balanced out by the pretty women you meet and the social part with the nice people you do meet at work. If it wasn't for one co-worker I wouldn't have got that great vacation recommendation and I do work in a nice area. Now if my boss would stop being a micromanaging, meddlesome person the job would be nice.


Must be nice. I have the last part, along with no women under 50 and being social at work is frowned upon because it means you aren't working. Literally have to duck and run from the person you are talking to when the boss walks out of his office.
 
2011-11-26 10:54:44 AM  

Terrified Asexual Forcemeat: miss diminutive: Fuggin Bizzy: We have a lunch thief at my office. The problem's gotten so bad, our VP has vowed to fire the person if they're caught. Seriously farking annoying.

Take a can of coke to the hardware store and have them put it in the paint mixer for about 15 mins. Put it in your lunch and wait for the fireworks.

Dude, did you not read that their Vice President is on the case? The problem's handled.


We have top men working on it now.
Who?
Top. Men.
 
2011-11-26 10:54:49 AM  
Do not sneeze into your bosses' coffee douchebag. It's very unhygenic.
 
2011-11-26 10:57:27 AM  
The funniest shiat I ever personally saw was someone stole cheese off of a sandwich and put it back just like it was never moved.
 
2011-11-26 11:06:01 AM  
Had a co worker with a huge schlong dangle his thing in the bosses coffee cup and of course a picture was taken and circulated around the shop. Next morning before work we were all gathered having coffee before work and one of the guys asked the boss how the coffee tasted. He said it was really good, then the picture was slid down the table and he nearly shiat. Back then, all that happened was a good laugh and Mr. Schlong got the shiat jobs for a couple of weeks. Machinist are all a bunch of assholes anyway, I know I was one.
 
2011-11-26 11:20:27 AM  
including a worker throwing papers into the air while collaborating on a project and shouting "forget this."

Yeah, I bet. What, was this incident edited for TV?

/Say, what does happen when you find a stranger in the Alps?
 
2011-11-26 11:24:25 AM  
If it weren't for those annoying farking customers, most jobs would be a pleasure. Two examples of office douchebaggery/work slave retribution follow:

1. It was always the chore of the lowly enlisted pukes to make the coffee for the officers. A friend, who wasn't a coffee drinker, objected to having to perform this duty. He was told STFU and make the coffee or go to OCS and become a man. The next time the friend made a fresh pot of coffee, he added a secret ingredient -- he pissed in the urn. The major came waltzing in to the office, poured himself a fresh steaming cup of joe and pronounced "man that's good coffee."

2. Someone, obviously upset over something at work, decided to create an impromptu mural -- on the toilet stalls in the ladies room with fecal matter. This only happened in the ladies room, never in the men's room. Odd that.
 
2011-11-26 11:28:27 AM  
But continual missteps have a cumulative effect that can chip away at your professional reputation and get in the way of advancement.

I think that line needs a little editing...

But continual missteps have a cumulative effect that can enhance your professional reputation and lead to accelerated advancement to upper management.
 
2011-11-26 11:31:56 AM  
Then there's they guy who microwaves a meal that smells like a decaying fish they collected from a dumpster
 
2011-11-26 11:36:09 AM  
So far as I know, the "holiday party" at the HQ of the huge shiatty corporation where I used to work* is still the company bringing in sandwiches and soft drinks, and telling employees to bring a covered dish. That's how it was for years.

I don't care about holiday parties, I can get along just fine without them, but if you can't do any better than that, you simply shouldn't do anything.

Especially when (as I vividly recall one year) there's recently been yet another layoff, benefits are cut, raises range between zero and one percent, the stock price is down, the analysts are cutting their rating to "Sell," and the CEO gives himself a million dollar bonus anyway. And screams "BECAUSE I EARNED IT" at the employees in a company meeting when somebody dares to call him on it.



*Decided that I'm too cowardly to name it. If you have worked there, you know which company.
 
2011-11-26 11:38:41 AM  

vudukungfu: WE don't have any problems in our office.
Actually, it's a pretty cool place to work.
Most folks have candy dishes on their desks and you're encouraged to have a piece or two.
They bring in a birthday cake once a month, aternating cheesecake with double chocolate, and yellow cake with butter creme frosting, so we don't get bored.
We have two large fridge/freezers, two micowaves, two toaster ovens, a bagel toaster, garbage disposal, and a huge icemaker. I buy large condiments and write "public" on them in sharpie so no one ends up with a dry sammich. The IT guy always leaves 3 different bottles of hot sauce on the tables. The Keurig is state of the art, and they buy half and half buy the case load.
They're installing two large flat screen TVs on the wall this weekend for shaits and giggles.
There's a foos ball table in the break room, brandy new, too.
This is the only office gig I've ever had, and I just don't get the other posts.
You folks must work for some wierd shiatty companies.

 
2011-11-26 11:39:47 AM  

MAYORBOB: 2. Someone, obviously upset over something at work, decided to create an impromptu mural -- on the toilet stalls in the ladies room with fecal matter. This only happened in the ladies room, never in the men's room. Odd that.


Not odd at all. Last place I worked, several female coworkers refused to use the bathrooms on our floors. Always (always!) piss all over the seat and often shart-spray. They'd go down to the lobby because those stalls didn't get fouled nearly as often. The worst we ever had in the men's rooms was the occasional unflushed urinal.
 
2011-11-26 11:41:29 AM  
Two CSB's regarding the same coworker:

1) I walked into his office one morning and said good morning. He showed me a clear plastic bag with a biohazard sticker and brown sludge in it. "Look, a bag of shiat". And he wasn't kidding. It was his shiat that he was collecting for a medical exam. Apparently, earlier that morning, he had detailed the collection procedure to another coworker.

2) My wife (who was the office secretary at the time) was sitting at her desk and the aforementioned coworker came in and said "I'd like to introduce you to someone". She saw no one else. From behind his back, coworker produced a mayo jar containing a grayish powder. "Meet my father". The jar contained the cremated remains of his father. The worst part of the whole thing was the fact that he shook the jar and said "You can hear the bone fragments rattling around!".
 
2011-11-26 12:05:11 PM  

Kibbler: So far as I know, the "holiday party" at the HQ of the huge shiatty corporation where I used to work* is still the company bringing in sandwiches and soft drinks, and telling employees to bring a covered dish. That's how it was for years.

I don't care about holiday parties, I can get along just fine without them, but if you can't do any better than that, you simply shouldn't do anything.

Especially when (as I vividly recall one year) there's recently been yet another layoff, benefits are cut, raises range between zero and one percent, the stock price is down, the analysts are cutting their rating to "Sell," and the CEO gives himself a million dollar bonus anyway. And screams "BECAUSE I EARNED IT" at the employees in a company meeting when somebody dares to call him on it.



*Decided that I'm too cowardly to name it. If you have worked there, you know which company.


I know office politics can be a biatch (and hugely useless) however if the place I worked said I had to bring food to feed everyone else I'd have told them sorry I have plans that night.

Far as I can tell you can't be fired (legally at least) for not showing up to a party. The boss giving himself a million dollar bonus is jacked up and should have been seen as a big red "find another job asap" light. Don't know what year this happened, but these days people have been stepped on and are broke enough that I wouldn't be surprised or sad if some ass hat like that got put in the hospital over a "robbery gone wrong" lol
 
2011-11-26 12:05:37 PM  
No mention of anonymous workplace farting?

/very awkward with only two people in the office
//very disturbing if you are the only one there
 
2011-11-26 12:13:29 PM  
Never understood the lunch stealing thing. What kind of a loser do you have to be to steal lunches? People like that must pay for sex.
 
2011-11-26 12:14:48 PM  

accelerus: Far as I can tell you can't be fired (legally at least) for not showing up to a party. The boss giving himself a million dollar bonus is jacked up and should have been seen as a big red "find another job asap" light. Don't know what year this happened, but these days people have been stepped on and are broke enough that I wouldn't be surprised or sad if some ass hat like that got put in the hospital over a "robbery gone wrong" lol


Dude, you can be fired (legally at least) for any non-protected reason. It's called at will employment. As long as they're smart enough to stay away from race/religion/age, they're safe. "You smelled like turnips last Thursday so we're letting you go."
 
2011-11-26 12:44:27 PM  

accelerus: Far as I can tell you can't be fired (legally at least) for not showing up to a party. The boss giving himself a million dollar bonus is jacked up and should have been seen as a big red "find another job asap" light. Don't know what year this happened, but these days people have been stepped on and are broke enough that I wouldn't be surprised or sad if some ass hat like that got put in the hospital over a "robbery gone wrong" lol


One of the companies I did business with handed out their holiday bonus pay at the holiday party. If you didn't show up, you didn't get the check.

/I laugh when my co-workers complain about our current customers...
 
2011-11-26 12:46:05 PM  

dustygrimp: Never understood the lunch stealing thing. What kind of a loser do you have to be to steal lunches?


An old co-worker of mine had her pizza stolen. But not the crusts. No, those were still in the box.
 
2011-11-26 12:46:39 PM  

dustygrimp: Never understood the lunch stealing thing. What kind of a loser do you have to be to steal lunches? People like that must pay for sex.


Stealing a coworker's lunch instantly makes you a psychopath.
 
2011-11-26 12:49:49 PM  

Zentor: Stealing a coworker's lunch instantly makes you a psychopath.


I does if it's laced with the proper chemicals
 
2011-11-26 12:53:09 PM  

dustygrimp: Never understood the lunch stealing thing. What kind of a loser do you have to be to steal lunches? People like that must pay for sex.


People who steal lunches are mostly (all?) people with eating disorders.
 
2011-11-26 01:02:45 PM  

accelerus: Spanky3woods: CSB time

I once worked for an asshole E-9 (we didn't call him Chef because he wasn't worth it). He had a special coffee mug. Since me and my buddy were always the first ones in each morning, we made the coffee. The E-9 always remarked at how good our coffee was. He never once found out about the daily ritual of swirling our cawks in his mug before work.

End CSB

cool story bro - you must have a dong made of adamantium for it to survive a dip in scalding hot coffee

ooo just realized you said "mug" so not filled with boiling hot liquid - alrighty I can see that. Yes I know I could have deleted the above stuff, but I just didn't feel like deleting such awesome words like "dong" and "adamantium"


You are correct, sir. The mug was empty.

On a related note. I noted when I was addicted to WoW there was an ore called Adamantite and I figured out it was named after the 80s pop star Adam Ant. Adamantite. Get it?

Wish my cawk was made of Adamantite
 
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