"...the call is coming from INSIDE THE TURKEY!"

At dinner with family...
So dad, you are *really* against gay marriage? WTH?

\didn't end well.

Sin_City_Superhero: NuttierThanEver: My horror story is in the midst of happening, I am expecting major shiat to hit the fan at my home this week when my wife's family comes over.
My wife's mother caught her husband (my wife's step-dad) cruising gay porn sites and found out that he has a memebership to not one but two local nudist colonies. Needless to say the last few get togethers were uncomfortable but since they were my nieces/nephews birthday parties nothing was said since no liquor was served. I anticipate that things could hit the fan in front of every at about 6pm after my mother-in-law is into her second bottle of wine.
I plan to hide in the kitchen cooking the way I normally avoid my in-laws.
Stay tuned..,

We're gonna need you to get us high-quality video and audio.

No, no video, please.

I'm having Thanksgiving with my housemates this year. I haven't had a Thanksgiving in 3 years. At least I don't have to hear about how I'm not married. Or not dating anyone. Or haven';t married the person I was dating. Or why I hadn't procreated a baby (really, my mom and some other relatives were basically telling me to creampie my live-in girlfriend).

Hoping that Dad doesn't ask me about democrats or Obama or OWS.

Many years ago my wife and I were new in town. We had some friends we had worked with previously over for dinner. We spent hours putting together the perfect dinner. The meal was scheduled for 4:30. The friends showed up at 4:25. We had dinner on the table at 4:30, they snarfed and scarfed dinner, and had left our house by 4:45. Leaving us with all the mess and none of the anticipated socialization.

Dull horror stories? Why that would be my family. They are dysfunctional, passive-aggressive, and miserable all rolled into one.

I do not spend Thanksgiving with them, and I am okay with this.

Our Thanksgivings always degenerate to ugly football arguments upstairs, uber intense beer pong downstairs, and my ridiculously drunk aunt wandering between trying to corner someone about politics.

//best holiday of the year

It's not Thanksgiving I'm worried about. It's Christmas.

Last year my retarded cousin called out my mom for always treating her like she was retarded. That was pretty awesome, actually.

BizarreMan: Many years ago my wife and I were new in town. We had some friends we had worked with previously over for dinner. We spent hours putting together the perfect dinner. The meal was scheduled for 4:30. The friends showed up at 4:25. We had dinner on the table at 4:30, they snarfed and scarfed dinner, and had left our house by 4:45. Leaving us with all the mess and none of the anticipated socialization.

Seriously? Wow.

Since I live so far from my family, it's not really worth the hassle of flying across the country for one meal. I eat with a friend and his family. Thanksgiving is as hard and complicated as you make it.

/If you can't change the people around you, change the people around you.

NuttierThanEver: My horror story is in the midst of happening, I am expecting major shiat to hit the fan at my home this week when my wife's family comes over.
My wife's mother caught her husband (my wife's step-dad) cruising gay porn sites and found out that he has a memebership to not one but two local nudist colonies. Needless to say the last few get togethers were uncomfortable but since they were my nieces/nephews birthday parties nothing was said since no liquor was served. I anticipate that things could hit the fan in front of every at about 6pm after my mother-in-law is into her second bottle of wine.
I plan to hide in the kitchen cooking the way I normally avoid my in-laws.
Stay tuned..,

NuttierThanEver: My horror story is in the midst of happening, I am expecting major shiat to hit the fan at my home this week when my wife's family comes over.
My wife's mother caught her husband (my wife's step-dad) cruising gay porn sites and found out that he has a memebership to not one but two local nudist colonies. Needless to say the last few get togethers were uncomfortable but since they were my nieces/nephews birthday parties nothing was said since no liquor was served. I anticipate that things could hit the fan in front of every at about 6pm after my mother-in-law is into her second bottle of wine.
I plan to hide in the kitchen cooking the way I normally avoid my in-laws.
Stay tuned..,

Take a video camera. Please.

stuhayes2010: Hoping that Dad doesn't ask me about democrats or Obama or OWS.

If he does, just say this:

"I don't want to get into this during a family dinner. Let's talk about something we both enjoy."

If he insists, just say:

"I told you I don't want to get into this. If you insist about talking Obama and OWS, I will go sit elsewhere."

It will stop him dead in his tracks.

Solar Plexus!: Last year my retarded cousin called out my mom for always treating her like she was retarded. That was pretty awesome, actually.

My sister's retarded and I support this.

A few years back my sister and I were invited to grandma's house for Thanksgiving. The day before, I get a call from this girl I know and she invites herself and two of her friends over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. I tried to interject that I wasn't even going to be at my house, but she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.

So another friend of mine suggested just having two Thanksgivings. Well, I made some cold cereal and toast and my dog made some popcorn. We got some folding tables and chairs and did the best we could. The girl who invited herself over got all upset that there was no turkey, mashed potatoes, or stuffing and gave me a bunch of lip about it until one of her friends interjected that my friend sorta invited herself over and should cut me some slack.

Sadly, it was a bit too late for reconciliation as I had had just about enough of her, so I carved her up with an appropriately-named carving knife and cut up her freeloading friends as well. I buried them in a really sincere pumpkin patch just down the road and headed over to grandma's for dinner.

Dinner was really good, except that grandma wanted to know how I managed to get nicks in her best carving knife. I had taken about as much as I was willing to from women by then, so I carved her up as well. I lived pretty well off of her social security checks for the next year or so until the cops found her body and tossed my butt in jail exactly a year later. Met a really friendly guy in jail who confused me with a guy by the name of Benjamin Dover, who apparently went by the name "Ben."

Still on penicillin. That was the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Last year Mrs. Farkngroovn fell UP the stairs with a wine glass in her hand, broke the glass when she fell, and seriously cut her finger. The stairwell in my house looked like a murder scene, and the paramedics/doctors asked my wife if I beat her when she was at the hospital. That was a great way to spend the holiday. Sitting in the center of the ER with nurses suggesting that I beat my wife and almost cut off her finger.

Then the very next day my brother was hospitalized for drinking too much by himself on Thanksgiving and pretty much was just about dead when a neighbor found him. He was subsequently brought to the same emergency room I spent the previous night at. I got to spend two nights in the emergency room and then check him into rehab.

/Not a happy Thanksgiving
//You should have seen the look on the ER nurses faces when I came back the second day in a row

My mom isn't making a turkey. She's making everyone their own individual Cornish game hen.

NuttierThanEver: thelordofcheese: NuttierThanEver: My horror story is in the midst of happening, I am expecting major shiat to hit the fan at my home this week when my wife's family comes over.
My wife's mother caught her husband (my wife's step-dad) cruising gay porn sites and found out that he has a memebership to not one but two local nudist colonies. Needless to say the last few get togethers were uncomfortable but since they were my nieces/nephews birthday parties nothing was said since no liquor was served. I anticipate that things could hit the fan in front of every at about 6pm after my mother-in-law is into her second bottle of wine.
I plan to hide in the kitchen cooking the way I normally avoid my in-laws.
Stay tuned..,

Take a video camera. Please.

Is it too much to hope that I don't wind up in a headline on FARK? I

I'd consider it an honor.

Uchiha_Cycliste: At dinner with family...
So dad, you are *really* against gay marriage? WTH?

\didn't end well.

Wait, so did you bring that up, or did someone else?

I worked really hard on a pumpkin cheesecake (fresh pumpkin even). My hubby went to get it out of the fridge to serve our guests, and he tipped the tray. It slid right off and SPLAT! on the floor. It killed our cat and I got pumpkin all over my pussyy.

horror is this:
cook turkey all day indirectly in a big weber barbecue.
it's almost ready, so the whole family goes out in the boat for the pre-dinner booze cruise.
head back,and there's this column of black smoke issuing from the bbq.
the bird burnt so badly that it was charred black an inch thick.
dad used a saw to investigate- it was so well done we settled for
frozen pizzas that year...

When I was 15, my brother came home from college for thanksgiving. On Thursday morning, he and my dad did "manly work," sawing and chopping up a fallen tree in the back yard.

Naturally such grueling work required a beer or three, at which point my step mom discovered that we didn't have a turkey baster. My brother volunteers to drive, I go with him.

He hands me the keys because he says he shouldn't drive, despite the fact that 1) I didn't even have a learner's permit and 2) had never actually driven on a road before and 3) three beers in two hours does not a drunk make.

So I, with my brother, drive his piece-of-crap car to K-mart, take a turn too fast and hop the curb (just one wheel) and somehow managed to snap the axle in the process.

My brother goes to the gas station to call my dad (pre-cell phones) while I move to the passenger seat, crying and shaken, and wait. Then a cop pulls up and asks what happens, and goes to find my brother. She of course assumes he was driving because he's of age, and assumes that he has to be drunk because how the hell else could somebody have gotten in such a stupid car accident.

She picks him up at the gas station and drives him back to the car and says to him, "I can tell you're not drunk, but I can smell beer on your breath. I'm going to let you off with a warning. Happy Thanksgiving."

/that was an $800 turkey baster
///my only accident ever

My beligerent drunk of a father screaming, kicking over TV trays, and throwing anything else he could get his hands on at the TV and us when we tried to calm him in the den as our beloved Redskins lose yet another Thanksgiving Day game to the Cowboys.

PanicMan: My mom isn't making a turkey. She's making everyone their own individual Cornish game hen.

FRANK: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
GEORGE: Why don't we talk about it another time.
FRANK: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
MRS. ROSS: Something's missing all right.
MR. ROSS: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
FRANK: That's perverse.

My Brother in law's Mom insisted on bringing the turkey one year, because the chef at her country club made the best turkey anywhere.
When my sister and I uncovered it to carve it, we discovered that the chef forgot to remove the little plastic bag of giblets from inside the turkey before he baked it.
Had a really funky smell.

[Dull Story]
One year, after my mom had polished the floor to sparkling, she went to baste the turkey and it came flying out of the oven like it was jet powered when she opened the door. She put it back in the pan, then cleaned the floor again. We all ate floor turkey and I told no one until now.
[/Dull Story]

Any Thanksgiving with my batshiat crazy grandmother (she's been crazy her entire life) is entertaining, heart-wrenching, and overall farked-up.

My favorite?

My grandmother bringing her psychiatrist to Thanksgiving (and introducing her as her "friend"). My grandmother gets trashed, hits on a twenty-something man (thankfully not a relative), then passes out on the couch before the main course.

/Actually, her passing out was the _best_ part of that Thanksgiving
//This year may top it, so stay tuned...