FARK.com: (6747757) The nicest, most positive review of a Twilight movie you'll ever read. All that despite the fact that the reviewer hated it

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(Some Sparkly Guy)		The nicest, most positive review of a Twilight movie you'll ever read. All that despite the fact that the reviewer hated it (pajiba.com)		103
		More: Amusing, twilight movies

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7398 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 19 Nov 2011 at 9:19 PM | Favorite | share:

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103 Comments (+0 »)

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Dumb-Ass-Monkey

2011-11-19 09:23:38 PM

So, it is sh*t, but visually pleasing sh*t.

got it.

illucid

2011-11-19 09:29:10 PM

Hurtle, hurtle.

bravian

2011-11-19 09:33:39 PM

The review is a win just for the title. But this closes the deal:

FTFA I get that some commitment to journalistic integrity and quality might suggest picking up those three previous DVDs in advance of viewing this film, but then a basic commitment to artistic integrity and quality precludes the existence of this entire series, so we'll just call it even.

/i tried reading the first book but after 20 pages I realized I wasn't a 13 year old girl

Forbidden Doughnut

2011-11-19 09:36:49 PM

Never seen any of these movies, but from what I've heard, there would be a miles long trail etched by my fingernails if I was ever forced to go see this...

EvilEgg

2011-11-19 09:45:51 PM

Well, I might go to see more of Bella's ass in those shorts, I got to say they are working for me.

CowboyNinjaD

2011-11-19 09:52:01 PM

To be fair, Dracula is a pretty shiatty book, too. It wasn't a bad story, but the protagonists are so horribly written that I was constantly hoping they would die. Van Helsing was kind of funny, but Mina was virtually worthless, and Harker and the suitors were all twats.

I like to imagine that the last part of the book was all lies, written by Mina after Dracula killed everyone else and forced her to write that he was dead.

demonfaerie

2011-11-19 09:55:27 PM

Dumb-Ass-Monkey: So, it is sh*t, but visually pleasing sh*t.

got it.

So like Avatar?

doglover

2011-11-19 09:57:35 PM

Forbidden Doughnut: Never seen any of these movies, but from what I've heard, there would be a miles long trail etched by my fingernails if I was ever forced to go see this...

Twighlight isn't that bad. It's only about a 650 pain units.

(A pain unit is the amount of pain from driving a used grapefruit spoon covered in acid juice right into your crotch and twisting hard)

Dumb-Ass-Monkey

2011-11-19 10:02:12 PM

It's so weird seeing her smile.
No, strike that. It's more than just a smile, it's weird seeing her with any expression at all on her face. Real Dolls have a greater range of emotion than she does.

hufnmouth

2011-11-19 10:02:27 PM

Dumb-Ass-Monkey: So, it is sh*t, but visually pleasing sh*t.

got it.

Yeah, Condon is a great director but the material is shiate.

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion

2011-11-19 10:06:19 PM

EvilEgg: Well, I might go to see more of Bella's ass in those shorts, I got to say they are working for me.

Amusingly enough, a GIS for "Bella's ass in those shorts" brings up that exact photo, so I can only assume the article's author thought the same thing.

douchebag/hater

2011-11-19 10:14:06 PM

demonfaerie: Dumb-Ass-Monkey: So, it is sh*t, but visually pleasing sh*t.

got it.

So like Avatar?

If I had money I would sponsor you for a TF membership...

darkscout

2011-11-19 10:39:20 PM

I can't wait until the RiffTrax come out.

pagansexgod

2011-11-19 10:45:30 PM

Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

Apos

2011-11-19 10:47:41 PM

Kimothy

2011-11-19 10:52:11 PM

My daughter dragged me to this movie and I actually got some belly laughs out of it. There's this great scene where a bunch of wolves are fighting, in their heads, and the CGI wolves all have this crazy look by wrinkling their snouts and digging their paws into the ground. Then there's the hilarious scene where she's giving birth, and there's Edward, who just chewed the baby out of her belly, smiling over the newborn while dripping Bella's blood from his mouth. Funny stuff.

//Daughter wasn't too happy that I was laughing. I think I embarrassed her.

DeaH

2011-11-19 11:08:48 PM

Kimothy: My daughter dragged me to this movie and I actually got some belly laughs out of it. There's this great scene where a bunch of wolves are fighting, in their heads, and the CGI wolves all have this crazy look by wrinkling their snouts and digging their paws into the ground. Then there's the hilarious scene where she's giving birth, and there's Edward, who just chewed the baby out of her belly, smiling over the newborn while dripping Bella's blood from his mouth. Funny stuff.

//Daughter wasn't too happy that I was laughing. I think I embarrassed her.

I, too, find these movies inadvertently hilarious. I have several friends who loved the books, and who love the idea of Edward. Me? I found the books fascinating, but very, very bad.

imperiusv

2011-11-19 11:11:25 PM

Dumb-Ass-Monkey: [www.pajiba.com image 500x317]

It's so weird seeing her smile.
No, strike that. It's more than just a smile, it's weird seeing her with any expression at all on her face. Real Dolls have a greater range of emotion than she does.

Hey, the crew of the movie found a way to make her attractive in a way other than "that cute stoner chick next door."

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion

2011-11-19 11:13:21 PM

Semantic Warrior

2011-11-19 11:13:40 PM

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion: EvilEgg: Well, I might go to see more of Bella's ass in those shorts, I got to say they are working for me.

Amusingly enough, a GIS for "Bella's ass in those shorts" brings up that exact photo, so I can only assume the article's author thought the same thing.

For gits and shiggles, I did the same... safe search was set too off, much more entertaining.

poxic

2011-11-19 11:13:54 PM

FTFA: "Empathy is the ability to empathize with those who are different, requiring them to be blank slates so that you don't have to empathize with any degree of difference is just the softer side of sociopathy."

That's ... a nicely-stated way of describing what makes these things vomigenic for me.

PizzaJedi81

2011-11-19 11:15:08 PM

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion: [imod.co.za image 450x324]

Alternatively:

hero002.edublogs.org

t3knomanser

2011-11-19 11:26:13 PM

pagansexgod: Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

No blowjob's worth that wankery. There are women who are actually interesting and have taste. Ohhhhhh... I get it now. Women with taste wouldn't have anything to do with most farkers.

Robert1966

2011-11-19 11:52:31 PM

"Vagaries" does not mean the opposite of "specifics."

zipdog

2011-11-20 12:28:16 AM

I've never watched a Twilight movie, but I do cheer now when Diggory gets Avada Kedavraed in that Harry Potter movie.

Barakku

2011-11-20 12:31:04 AM

Part one? FFS, has Harry Potter really set the standard that tween appeal movies/abortions now need multiple parts for their final shiatfest just for extra boxoffice hits?

VaportrailFilms

2011-11-20 12:52:17 AM

FTFA: I get that some commitment to journalistic integrity and quality might suggest picking up those three previous DVDs in advance of viewing this film, but then a basic commitment to artistic integrity and quality precludes the existence of this entire series, so we'll just call it even.
cdn.hellobeautiful.com

I think I love this guy.

Genevieve Marie

2011-11-20 12:54:48 AM

"There is also no getting around the fact that Bella and Edward are not characters but blank slates. Their honeymoon consists of hiking and playing chess. They do not talk except about their drama. They have no interests, they have no future, they have no dreams. Fans have repeatedly emphasized that these blank slates are what is appealing about the characters, that they can map themselves onto the characters. But only being able to empathize with characters devoid of anything that might distinguish them as individuals is terribly emotionally immature. Empathy is the ability to empathize with those who are different, requiring them to be blank slates so that you don't have to empathize with any degree of difference is just the softer side of sociopathy."

I love this guy so much.

Gyrfalcon

2011-11-20 12:58:15 AM

brigid_fitch

2011-11-20 01:03:17 AM

Your blog sucks and so does this movie.

/Read the series
//Utter rubbish

brigid_fitch

2011-11-20 01:07:07 AM

Apos: pagansexgod: Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

That's it. Thread over.

At least allow wiggle room for those of us who have read the books and realize they're completely without redemption

/Hubby was sick in hospital
//I needed something to pass the time.
///By book 3, I was volunteering my body for experimentation, it was that bad..

salsashark1

2011-11-20 01:20:38 AM

I lost interest before the Metro PCS ad went away. So I just closed the tab.

Meh.

Apos

2011-11-20 01:23:29 AM

brigid_fitch: Apos: pagansexgod: Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

That's it. Thread over.

At least allow wiggle room for those of us who have read the books and realize they're completely without redemption

/Hubby was sick in hospital
//I needed something to pass the time.
///By book 3, I was volunteering my body for experimentation, it was that bad..

You've my heartfelt sympathy on both counts,but it's difficult to fathom that there wasn't a far more tolerable alternative such as,I dunno,a Jeopardy! game?

I can't think up a clever name

2011-11-20 01:52:51 AM

pagansexgod: Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

Kimothy: My daughter dragged me to this movie .

So, Kimothy, you're in the second group then?

almandot

2011-11-20 01:56:06 AM

Kimothy: My daughter dragged me to this movie and I actually got some belly laughs out of it. There's this great scene where a bunch of wolves are fighting, in their heads, and the CGI wolves all have this crazy look by wrinkling their snouts and digging their paws into the ground. Then there's the hilarious scene where she's giving birth, and there's Edward, who just chewed the baby out of her belly, smiling over the newborn while dripping Bella's blood from his mouth. Funny stuff.

//Daughter wasn't too happy that I was laughing. I think I embarrassed her.

Ok when the wolves were all gathered and head-talking to each other I was pounding my head on the wall from laughter. And then jacob finishes the scene with his triumphent rising and whining of I AM THE GRANDSON OF A TRIBAL CHIEF and I guffawed

K.B.O. Winston

2011-11-20 02:04:51 AM

darkscout: I can't wait until the RiffTrax come out.

So you're going to go see it without one?

GOOD GRAVY, MAN!

K.B.O. Winston

2011-11-20 02:06:55 AM

So for those who have read them, on a scale of indulgent suckitude, are these books as bad as Pawn to Queen? Like, say I were dying and the key to my survival lay in reading either of the two, which would it be?

/just curious

Cloudchaser Sakonige the Red Wolf

2011-11-20 02:21:57 AM

Vampires are supposed to be scary and they do not sparkle

images.fanpop.com

\/garlic doesn't work, either

Dalek Caan's doomed mistress

2011-11-20 02:42:30 AM

darkscout: I can't wait until the RiffTrax come out.

Ditto. The first three were amazing. These last two are just going to be cherries on the cake.

/line
//line
/line

Apos

2011-11-20 02:51:42 AM

brigid_fitch: Apos: pagansexgod: Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

That's it. Thread over.

At least allow wiggle room for those of us who have read the books and realize they're completely without redemption

/Hubby was sick in hospital
//I needed something to pass the time.
///By book 3, I was volunteering my body for experimentation, it was that bad..

I should have covered this in my Weeners but....you made to book 3?!

Your capacity for needless masochism is....commendable. And disturbing.

Robo Beat

2011-11-20 03:41:56 AM

Calling the film "Iron Chef: Septic Tank" isn't a terribly positive or nice thing to say about it. Then again, I don't discredit the possibility that that phrase is indeed the nicest or most positive thing said about his film.

It's a movie based on a book about a wooden girl falling in love with a wooden sparkly vampire, written for pre-teen girls by a Mormon woman. How good could it possibly be?

MENSTRUATION

2011-11-20 03:44:57 AM

Apos: brigid_fitch: Apos: pagansexgod: Lets face it, there are only 2 types of people going to see this movie - those who have read the book and those who still want to continue getting blowjobs from those who have read the book.

That's it. Thread over.

At least allow wiggle room for those of us who have read the books and realize they're completely without redemption

/Hubby was sick in hospital
//I needed something to pass the time.
///By book 3, I was volunteering my body for experimentation, it was that bad..

I should have covered this in my Weeners but....you made to book 3?!

Your capacity for needless masochism is....commendable. And disturbing.

THIS. I had to stop about a third of the way into the first one. Had so many friends biatching about how I couldn't bash something I hadn't read, but I just can't bring myself to read them...I just...can't...

Neeek

2011-11-20 04:05:30 AM

Barakku: Part one? FFS, has Harry Potter really set the standard that tween appeal movies/abortions now need multiple parts for their final shiatfest just for extra boxoffice hits?

The Harry Potter books should have been broken up into multiple movies by the 4th one. Frankly, some major plot points were missed in the third movie.

ParagonComplex

2011-11-20 04:17:14 AM

darkscout: I can't wait until the RiffTrax come out.

I tried watching the Rifftrax of the first movie, and still couldn't make it past ten minutes. When Bella sits next to Edward at the desk and the light shines really bright on him, that was it for me.

Jim_Callahan

2011-11-20 05:12:02 AM

CowboyNinjaD: To be fair, Dracula is a pretty shiatty book, too. It wasn't a bad story, but the protagonists are so horribly written that I was constantly hoping they would die. Van Helsing was kind of funny, but Mina was virtually worthless, and Harker and the suitors were all twats.

I like to imagine that the last part of the book was all lies, written by Mina after Dracula killed everyone else and forced her to write that he was dead.

Dracula was basically the first pulp horror novel. If you're reading it outside of the context of pulp horror, you're missing the point so far that you're going to be founding a mars colony decades before NASA manages a manned flight out there.

I'm not really all that artsy under normal circumstances, and if you don't like Dracula because it's not your thing, fine, that's cool. But if you seriously think Dracula was poorly written in any way, I'm sorry, you're just a farking illiterate moron. There is only a certain extent to which quality is subjective, when your work literally defines 90% of the tropes for like a quarter of western literature for a century and a half, you're pretty much into objectively good territory.

mhd

2011-11-20 07:00:47 AM

Honestly, dissing Twilight kinda looses its sting when people post pics of Buffy, Blade or Lost Boys as counter arguments...

Twilight really broke no grounds in the "bad vampire movie" genre, there's enough precedent. Most movie/TV vampires are wusses. The bad thing about Twilight is that it also mixes in a bad romance flick into the mix that would make even Matthew McConnaughey blush.

toetag

2011-11-20 07:26:52 AM

watching the redwings game yesterday afternoon. i guess some of the LA Kings had to attend some premier for this movie. The interviews with the guys was down right funny.

Reporter: "Did you enjoy the movie?"
Player: "Not really. can't say it's my type of movie."

reporter: "What did you think of the movie?"
player: "hmm, guess I can't be honest."
reporter: "sure you can be honest."
player: "it sucked".

Kurmudgeon

2011-11-20 08:28:06 AM

Neeek: The Harry Potter books should have been broken up into multiple movies by the 4th one. Frankly, some major plot points were missed in the third movie.

I expect they were just happy to complete the series before the kids got too old to be believable as school children.

Mugato

2011-11-20 08:50:21 AM

I was under the impression that the story ended with Bella having the demon baby. What's in part 2?

Tyrone Slothrop

2011-11-20 08:57:49 AM

This is what Mormanism does to people. Friends don't let friends become Morman.

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