"Guy beats girlfriend off with dumbbell."

I find a vibrator works pretty well for the missus.

Guess she never learned to make a sammich.

Humean_Nature: That story was all LOLSHAKEWEIGHT right up until:

...the woman's eyes were swollen shut and her mouth was so swollen she could hardly speak... four of her teeth were knocked loose and pushed back toward her throat....the victim suffered a hematoma to her head, a fracture to her right eye socket, a broken nose, a blowout fracture on her face, a concussion and multiple bruises.

...and then I just want to go all Inglourious Basterds on this woman-beating son of a biatch.

she should have made him the damned sammich the first time he asked

How could this have happened?? She had a restraining order and everything. Someone should make a note that for the first time in the history of female relationships with giant, douch-tastic, man-children, a restraining order failed to keep a woman safe from a man.

He pretty much shattered her face. Probably should be charged with attempted murder.

Headline not to be confused with the Shake Weight, the dumbbell your girlfriend beats off.

dothemath: Northern Indiana is serial killer country.

And Mennonite country. Say, how does that work? I thought the Mennonites were pacifis--


THWACK!

Finally a use for the shake weight.

FTC: Sure, but did he get a good workout?

Which Farker wrote that?

rudemix: How could this have happened?? She had a restraining order and everything. Someone should make a note that for the first time in the history of female relationships with giant, douch-tastic, man-children, a restraining order failed to keep a woman safe from a man.

Yes, I know you're being sarcastic. Restraining orders usually make them more angry and determined.

Pumpernickel bread: He pretty much shattered her face. Probably should be charged with attempted murder.

That.

Humean_Nature: That story was all LOLSHAKEWEIGHT right up until:

...the woman's eyes were swollen shut and her mouth was so swollen she could hardly speak... four of her teeth were knocked loose and pushed back toward her throat....the victim suffered a hematoma to her head, a fracture to her right eye socket, a broken nose, a blowout fracture on her face, a concussion and multiple bruises.

...and then I just want to go all Inglourious Basterds on this woman-beating son of a biatch.

If you're going, can you give me a ride? I'm next in line to kick this guy's ass till his kidneys fail.

The Stealth Hippopotamus: what a girl with a dumbbell may look like:

[img818.imageshack.us image 600x900]
[img819.imageshack.us image 640x455]
[img404.imageshack.us image 600x900]

Gawd is she hot!

Humean_Nature: "...and then I just want to go all Inglourious Basterds on this woman-beating son of a biatch."

this.

farkin_Gary: The Stealth Hippopotamus: what a girl with a dumbbell may look like:

[img818.imageshack.us image 600x900]
[img819.imageshack.us image 640x455]
[img404.imageshack.us image 600x900]

Gawd is she hot!

Google Images can search based on a source image URL now, you know.

Medical records in the court documents reveal the victim suffered a hematoma to her head, a fracture to her right eye socket, a broken nose, a blowout fracture on her face, a concussion and multiple bruises.

She should stretch before she works out, those are avoidable injuries.

So the girlfriend's a shemale? Or how do you "beat off" a woman?

SweetSaws: So the girlfriend's a shemale? Or how do you "beat off" a woman?

Google search "Bailey Jay."

She should have put him to sleep with an old fashion

cgraves67: Humean_Nature: That story was all LOLSHAKEWEIGHT right up until:

...the woman's eyes were swollen shut and her mouth was so swollen she could hardly speak... four of her teeth were knocked loose and pushed back toward her throat....the victim suffered a hematoma to her head, a fracture to her right eye socket, a broken nose, a blowout fracture on her face, a concussion and multiple bruises.

...and then I just want to go all Inglourious Basterds on this woman-beating son of a biatch.

If you're going, can you give me a ride? I'm next in line to kick this guy's ass till his kidneys fail.

Maybe we should carpool.
If she takes him back she deserves whatever she gets.

Likely the rest of the story will be that she'll end up going back to him, and he'll beat her senseless again, or worse. Maybe less teeth was what he was after anyway.

discgolfguru: Never heard of a "blowout fracture". Sounds like it stings, though.

Looked it up, sounds like it stings even more than I expected *shudder*

What he should have beat her with: Tug Toner (new window)

clutchcargo2002: She should have put him to sleep with an old fashion

That was a funny episode but the premise is flawed. Ladies, there is no need to give a guy a handjob, ever. Getting a handjob from a woman is like brushing my teeth with my left hand. You can't compete ladies, I have been mastering the craft since I was 12 years old. That's 25 years of practice. I have rhythm, muscle control and I know just how I like it. You are just stabbing in the dark and it is honestly just awkward, probably for you too.

Please, do us and yourselves a favor. The next time you think to yourself "I don't want to fark him, so I will give him a handy instead" just blow us. We will both have our dignity.

The Angry Hand of God: SweetSaws: So the girlfriend's a shemale? Or how do you "beat off" a woman?

Google search "Bailey Jay."

Haha. So that's how you beat off a woman!

/saw "tran" and ran

Huh, I thought for sure it would be a big black one.



/The weapon, not the assailant.

came for the "tug toner" leaving satisfied

AbbeySomeone: rudemix: How could this have happened?? She had a restraining order and everything. Someone should make a note that for the first time in the history of female relationships with giant, douch-tastic, man-children, a restraining order failed to keep a woman safe from a man.

Yes, I know you're being sarcastic. Restraining orders usually make them more angry and determined.

Sarcasm born of frustration having known more than one girl stuck in a dilema like this. There is almost nothing to be done about the harm these assholes can cause until they have actually harmed them. The one thing that seems to be there to protect them, the restraining order, usually ends up making things worse. A really shiatty system of protection for people ending relationships with animals involves a piece of worthless paper or give up your entire life and go into hiding at a shelter.

He should Noe that's Noe way to treat a lady.

/Groan.

Girlfriend needs a gun. The magic power of the restraining order failed to protect her.

rudemix: AbbeySomeone: rudemix: How could this have happened?? She had a restraining order and everything. Someone should make a note that for the first time in the history of female relationships with giant, douch-tastic, man-children, a restraining order failed to keep a woman safe from a man.

Yes, I know you're being sarcastic. Restraining orders usually make them more angry and determined.

Sarcasm born of frustration having known more than one girl stuck in a dilema like this. There is almost nothing to be done about the harm these assholes can cause until they have actually harmed them. The one thing that seems to be there to protect them, the restraining order, usually ends up making things worse. A really shiatty system of protection for people ending relationships with animals involves a piece of worthless paper or give up your entire life and go into hiding at a shelter.

Why did they enter into a relationship with an animal to begin with?

jst3p

Let me also add to this that should a woman decide that she's going to give her man a handjob, even if its to get things going, please do remember one key thing please:

THAT THING'S FARKING ATTACHED!!!


/had a few girls damn near yank it out by the root
//OUCH!!! is not a pleasure sound

IAMBOB: jst3p

Let me also add to this that should a woman decide that she's going to give her man a handjob, even if its to get things going, please do remember one key thing please:

THAT THING'S FARKING ATTACHED!!!


/had a few girls damn near yank it out by the root
//OUCH!!! is not a pleasure sound

This and women always seem to think kung-fu grip is best. It isn't.

So if she had a restraining order for the last 5 months why does the article refer to her as his "girlfriend"? Does this become a lifetime title even when you dump somebody. How many are you allowed? should I count every girl I had a relationship with as my "girlfriend" for life? This could get very confusing. How about we call her his "former" girlfriend?

I am assuming a hot dog in a hallway scenario happened for a little while; if we are continuing on the entendre path.