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(news8austin) Dumbass "Ok, I'm going to tell you the truth on this one. It doesn't sound right, but it is. I have had hemorrhoids at that time, super duper bad"   (austin.ynn.com) divider line 85
More: Dumbass, Travis County  
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10835 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Nov 2011 at 5:23 PM   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»   |    Get this fabulous T-Shirt and impress the methane out of your friends! shirt it!



85 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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Linoleum_Blownapart [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 02:11:10 PM
Roid Rage?
 
unyon [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 02:13:16 PM
Linoleum_Blownapart: Roid Rage?

///aaaand, we're done here.
 
lennavan
2011-11-11 02:24:20 PM
Linoleum_Blownapart: Roid Rage?

I have nothing better to add.
 
Benevolent Misanthrope [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 02:52:58 PM
Linoleum_Blownapart: Roid Rage?

Wow. I'm in awe. Best snappy comeback I've seen in a loooong time.
 
CruiserTwelve [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 03:06:26 PM
What a bloody asshole.
 
MaxxLarge [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 03:39:50 PM
Unless his ass-blisters turn out to be remnants of some sort of parasitic twin that somehow exerts mind control over its host organism, I'm thinking that's not gonna fly.
 
Humean_Nature [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 03:48:13 PM
Linoleum_Blownapart: Roid Rage?

Well done, that man!
 
Relatively Obscure [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 04:37:11 PM
Linoleum_Blownapart: Roid Rage?

This thread didn't even have time to get started.
 
Paris1127 [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:16:23 PM
I read the headline and for some reason assumed this was Rick Perry's explanation for his debate performance...
 
phamwaa
2011-11-11 05:24:39 PM
Will someone please turn out the lights on this thread before they leave?

Thank you.
 
ghostofreasonpast
2011-11-11 05:27:04 PM
If he wanted to go to jail, then why did he slash the tires when nobody was looking. Guy is just trying to win sympathy.
 
ThighsofGlory
2011-11-11 05:27:27 PM
Really? The guy basically said he wanted to go to jail so he could have medical treatment and no one has expressed, err, butthurt over that yet?
 
lennavan
2011-11-11 05:28:56 PM
ThighsofGlory: Really? The guy basically said he wanted to go to jail so he could have medical treatment and no one has expressed, err, butthurt over that yet?

Well, it was a combination of he's full of shiat (slashing hundreds of cars? yeah right) and the thread having been completed in one.

There's really not much else to do here.
 
Joey JoJo Junior Shabadoo
2011-11-11 05:29:30 PM
Unless his ass-blisters turn out to be remnants of some sort of parasitic twin that somehow exerts mind control over its host organism, I'm thinking that's not gonna fly.

Uhh... I think he willingly committed the crime in order to get medical care, not using the condition to blame his crime.

/Not sure if serious
 
StanTheMan
2011-11-11 05:29:38 PM
OMG, not the trite "I had hemorrhoids" defense again. Farking lawyers.

/IAAL
/BNYL
 
Indubitably
2011-11-11 05:29:44 PM
Someone's been looking at medical records and displaying them on the internet for effect.

Isn't there a name for that?

Oh, yeah, it's called cyber-crime.

Charges anyone?

Bueller?

;)
 
special20 [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:29:45 PM
The painful, burning itch... and the only way for him to get relief was to have escaping tire air blowing toward his anus with the force only 32 PSI can give.

I believe it.
 
freewill [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:30:25 PM
"You stabbed somebody's tires in Hyde Par. You don't know who they are, but you picked this person out because you need relief from your hemorrhoids," a prosecution attorney said.

"True," Kelly replied.

Kelly chose to represent himself during the trial. He said he plans to appeal the decision.

No way. I would have thought this had to involve one of the greatest legal minds in America.
 
jestme
2011-11-11 05:30:45 PM
Paris1127: I read the headline and for some reason assumed this was Rick Perry's explanation for his debate performance...

That's exactly what I thought, too.
 
Indubitably
2011-11-11 05:30:57 PM
Indubitably: Someone's been looking at medical records and displaying them on the internet for effect.

Isn't there a name for that?

Oh, yeah, it's called cyber-crime.

Charges anyone?

Bueller?

;)

Suck it, biatches.
 
cryinoutloud
2011-11-11 05:33:01 PM
Paris1127: I read the headline and for some reason assumed this was Rick Perry's explanation for his debate performance...

Hahaha, I did too. Especially since i saw the story was coming out of Austin.
 
Renart
2011-11-11 05:34:07 PM
www.austinpost.org

/Hot.
 
Indubitably
2011-11-11 05:34:36 PM
special20: The painful, burning itch... and the only way for him to get relief was to have escaping tire air blowing toward his anus with the force only 32 PSI can give.

I believe it.

No, it's .357
 
special20 [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:34:38 PM
freewill: "You stabbed somebody's tires in Hyde Par. You don't know who they are, but you picked this person out because you need relief from your hemorrhoids," a prosecution attorney said.

No way. I would have thought this had to involve one of the greatest legal minds in America.

Dude, that's top-notch legalese for a Travis County prosecutor. Went up against an obviously superior, sterno infused mind, too.
 
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:37:02 PM
A Travis County jury convicted Tommy Joe Kelly on one count of unlawful use of a criminal instrument and sentenced him to 10 years in jail.

I guess there are no accordion concerts in Travis County.
 
BurnShrike
2011-11-11 05:39:31 PM
A Travis County jury convicted Tommy Joe Kelly on one count of unlawful use of a criminal instrument and sentenced him to 10 years in jail.

So... what's a lawful use of a criminal instrument?
 
BurnShrike
2011-11-11 05:42:19 PM
Kelly told jurors he was hoping to go to jail because that's the only place he can get medical treatment.

What a farked up country you live in where you're so desperate to get medical treatment that you commit crimes to go to jail. I just can't imagine not having health care.
 
Ed Willy
2011-11-11 05:45:14 PM
Paris1127: I read the headline and for some reason assumed this was Rick Perry's explanation for his debate performance...

My first thought, especially as it linked to an Austin website. Was coming in to make a comment about hemorroids being the result of talking out your ass so much.
 
Lunchlady
2011-11-11 05:45:53 PM
BurnShrike: Kelly told jurors he was hoping to go to jail because that's the only place he can get medical treatment.

What a farked up country you live in where you're so desperate to get medical treatment that you commit crimes to go to jail. I just can't imagine not having health care.

Ummm he's appealing the case.

He's a crazy person.
 
NightOwl2255
2011-11-11 05:46:06 PM
BurnShrike: Kelly told jurors he was hoping to go to jail because that's the only place he can get medical treatment.

What a farked up country you live in where you're so desperate to get medical treatment that you commit crimes to go to jail. I just can't imagine not having health care.

But, but...the US has THE BEST HEALTH CARE system in the world!!11!!

/It's not even a punch line anymore.
 
Swim up Bar
2011-11-11 05:46:43 PM
What an asshole.
 
drjekel_mrhyde
2011-11-11 05:48:26 PM
Pretty sure someone will shiat all over this thread
 
Loucifer
2011-11-11 05:48:26 PM
It's funny; I hate the itching, but I don't mind the swelling.
 
Debeo Summa Credo
2011-11-11 05:48:48 PM
BurnShrike: Kelly told jurors he was hoping to go to jail because that's the only place he can get medical treatment.

What a farked up country you live in where you're so desperate to get medical treatment that you commit crimes to go to jail. I just can't imagine not having health care.

What farked up country do you live in where there are people dumb enough to buy this guy's story?
 
Amos Quito
2011-11-11 05:48:57 PM
Excellent use of the img1.fark.net tag.
 
brantgoose [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:50:14 PM
It's possible that the hemorrhoids were an aggravating circumstance. It has been claimed, for example, that Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo because he was distracted by hemorrhoids (aka piles in the UK and elsewhere). Since he spent most of the day on horse back, this is not as outré a theory as it sounds.

For the want of a daub of horse linament, the Empire was lost. Preparation H could have saved the French from a lot of damage to their reputation as one of the greatest military races of history (they won a lot of their twenty two or twenty three wars since then, by the by).

Note to American Citizens and Residents: have you ever thought of saying "piles" so that you don't have to try to spell hemorrhoids? It might be worth swallowing your national pride on this one. Just a thought.

Hemmorrhoids also play a role in Biblical History. The Bible records that the Philistines were hit by twin plagues of mice and emerods, which is just a sensible way to spell hemorrhoids. This was their punishment for capturing the Ark of the Covenant. The Israelites attacked and regained not only the Ark of the Covenant but the golden emerods and Micky Mouse idols.

This is the origin of the Negro Spiritual "Oh, dem golden emerods!"

But seriously, look it up. I'm not making it all up.
 
skinink
2011-11-11 05:51:07 PM
Thank heaven he doesn't have herpes, or he would have murdered someone.
 
CoachJohnMcGuirk
2011-11-11 05:55:09 PM
I'm from Austin and saw the case on the news. He's been slashing tires and committing other acts of vandalism and criminal mischief for over fifteen years, much of it in the same neighborhood. The whole "i needed medical treatment and jail was the only way to afford it" claim is BS. Judging by his demeanor in court and his "Mr. Natural on meth" appearance, he's got some sort of mental condition or maybe he's just "Keeping Austin Weird". I don't doubt that he may need help or have a chemical in-balance, but everyone knows that prison and anuses don't make good bed fellows.
 
special20 [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 05:55:38 PM
brantgoose: [...]
files.sharenator.com
 
Indubitably
2011-11-11 05:56:30 PM
drjekel_mrhyde: Pretty sure someone will shiat all over this thread

You are less cool than you think, methinks, Mr. Decider.
 
halfof33
2011-11-11 05:58:13 PM
brantgoose: It's possible that the hemorrhoids were an aggravating circumstance. It has been claimed, for example, that Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo because he was distracted by hemorrhoids (aka piles in the UK and elsewhere). Since he spent most of the day on horse back, this is not as outré a theory as it sounds.

For the want of a daub of horse linament, the Empire was lost. Preparation H could have saved the French from a lot of damage to their reputation as one of the greatest military races of history (they won a lot of their twenty two or twenty three wars since then, by the by).

Note to American Citizens and Residents: have you ever thought of saying "piles" so that you don't have to try to spell hemorrhoids? It might be worth swallowing your national pride on this one. Just a thought.

Hemmorrhoids also play a role in Biblical History. The Bible records that the Philistines were hit by twin plagues of mice and emerods, which is just a sensible way to spell hemorrhoids. This was their punishment for capturing the Ark of the Covenant. The Israelites attacked and regained not only the Ark of the Covenant but the golden emerods and Micky Mouse idols.

This is the origin of the Negro Spiritual "Oh, dem golden emerods!"

But seriously, look it up. I'm not making it all up.

Totally farkied you as Fark's Resident Hemorrhoids Expert. THE go to guy for everything hemorrhoids related.
 
Indubitably
2011-11-11 06:03:30 PM
halfof33: brantgoose: It's possible that the hemorrhoids were an aggravating circumstance. It has been claimed, for example, that Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo because he was distracted by hemorrhoids (aka piles in the UK and elsewhere). Since he spent most of the day on horse back, this is not as outré a theory as it sounds.

For the want of a daub of horse linament, the Empire was lost. Preparation H could have saved the French from a lot of damage to their reputation as one of the greatest military races of history (they won a lot of their twenty two or twenty three wars since then, by the by).

Note to American Citizens and Residents: have you ever thought of saying "piles" so that you don't have to try to spell hemorrhoids? It might be worth swallowing your national pride on this one. Just a thought.

Hemmorrhoids also play a role in Biblical History. The Bible records that the Philistines were hit by twin plagues of mice and emerods, which is just a sensible way to spell hemorrhoids. This was their punishment for capturing the Ark of the Covenant. The Israelites attacked and regained not only the Ark of the Covenant but the golden emerods and Micky Mouse idols.

This is the origin of the Negro Spiritual "Oh, dem golden emerods!"

But seriously, look it up. I'm not making it all up.

Totally farkied you as Fark's Resident Hemorrhoids Expert. THE go to guy for everything hemorrhoids related.

Seriously?

Shoot.

Yo, Doc, is it bad to rub it?

Is rubbing it bad?

;)
 
Some_Local_Deity
2011-11-11 06:04:12 PM
Ed Willy: Paris1127: I read the headline and for some reason assumed this was Rick Perry's explanation for his debate performance...

My first thought, especially as it linked to an Austin website. Was coming in to make a comment about hemorroids being the result of talking out your ass so much.

I did click the link hoping for that. I know it was too much to expect, but I still feel cheated, somehow.
 
VictorOfBorge
2011-11-11 06:07:28 PM
MaxxLarge: Unless his ass-blisters turn out to be remnants of some sort of parasitic twin that somehow exerts mind control over its host organism, I'm thinking that's not gonna fly.

It's not the first time someone has committed crimes to go to prison so they can get medical treatment for chronic illness. These things are not usually treated for free as an emergency. If you are without insurance or money in this lovely country, medical care is not yours. No, you can't have it!
 
MAYORBOB
2011-11-11 06:10:24 PM
When I read the headline and saw the source was from Texas, I thought it was Rick Perry's excuse for the debate brain fart.

Just shows you don't have to be a perfect asshole to get in trouble with the law.
 
Shotgun Justice
2011-11-11 06:14:21 PM
10 years for slashing tires but not a soul went to jail for the financial crisis. Glad to see our justice system is as classy as ever.
 
Richard Saunders [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 06:15:04 PM
Or, he could've just shoplifted a tube of Prep-H.

/what an ass
 
poe_zlaw
2011-11-11 06:20:40 PM
So, his ass hurts, therefore he wants to go to prison? Boy, if he thinks his ass is going to feel better in prison, he is sadly mistaken. But then again-- He obviously doesn't think things through.
 
jehovahs witness protection [TotalFark]
2011-11-11 06:20:48 PM
Lemme see, I have health insurance. Now I can barely walk or talk. Even typing is almost impossible now and I'm over $60,000 in the hole on medical costs. I would NEVER go to prison just for free care.
 
Indubitably
2011-11-11 06:25:20 PM
MAYORBOB: When I read the headline and saw the source was from Texas, I thought it was Rick Perry's excuse for the debate brain fart.

Just shows you don't have to be a perfect asshole to get in trouble with the law.

I said he was done.

Am I wrong?Shotgun Justice: 10 years for slashing tires but not a soul went to jail for the financial crisis. Glad to see our justice system is as classy as ever.

Lunchlady: BurnShrike: Kelly told jurors he was hoping to go to jail because that's the only place he can get medical treatment.

What a farked up country you live in where you're so desperate to get medical treatment that you commit crimes to go to jail. I just can't imagine not having health care.

Ummm he's appealing the case.

He's a crazy person.

You cast stones in a glass house.

AND, fark off.

P.S. My mind is larger than yours, and as such, you fail for volume first...

P.P.S. Second, you fail for affect. I win style, hands down. Learn.

P.P.P.S. Did I mention yer establishment credentials and yer establishment style? You have a political agenda, me smells, irrespective of my perceived sanity. You belie yer position by calling me into question in the beginning.

P.quadrubed. fark off.

P.Five. You shill; I speak. Keep selling global, while I buy local...

P. I am larger than you...
 
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