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(Short List)   "The steak, sir. Very good sir. And how would sir like his cow killed? Traditional slaughterhouse or surprise attack, sir?"   (shortlist.com) divider line 53
    More: Weird, German states, Philip Seymour Hoffman  
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6691 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Nov 2011 at 12:48 PM (3 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2011-11-04 12:30:55 PM  
I prefer that my meal kill itself in the most humane way possible.
 
2011-11-04 12:50:12 PM  
Surprise me.
 
2011-11-04 12:53:24 PM  
Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body? May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now. I have been force feeding myself for months.


/OBLIG
 
2011-11-04 12:54:03 PM  
I wonder how much a job bushwacking cows would pay.
 
2011-11-04 12:54:14 PM  
Just about anything is more humane than the way we actually handle food animals but frankly I don't care how my steak becomes steak. Sucks be livestock and all that.

I could see the notion that adrenaline could mess up your beef but I'd be interested in seeing some science to back it up.
 
2011-11-04 12:54:57 PM  
 
2011-11-04 12:55:27 PM  
When I first got here to Las Vegas and they started overbuilding the place, there was a cow pasture behind the apartment building where I was living at. One night, while I was walking the dogs, I noticed one of the neighborhood's homeless guys trying to choke a cow to death with his bare hands.

I swear when I made eye contact with the cow, it rolled it's eyes at me.

The next morning when I walked the dogs again, the cow was still there, happily grazing and perfectly well. I never saw the homeless guy again though.
 
2011-11-04 12:56:02 PM  

IC Stars: Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body? May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now. I have been force feeding myself for months.


/OBLIG


Came for this. Thread done in 3.
 
2011-11-04 12:57:30 PM  
Germans trying to figure out new ways to kill things. Why am I not surprised?

Perhaps they also have an option for ensuring clean meat by sending it to the showers first.

image.shutterstock.com
 
2011-11-04 12:59:17 PM  
I would like the cow taken to a large tent on a warm day, fed beer by the gallons while massaged by swedish professionals. It should have copious amounts of weed smoken and blown into its face over the afternoon until finally fabio pleasures the cow with various massage tools up until it reaches its moment of maximum extacy....and is given a hidden injection of heroine in extreme amounts of overdose. Then fetch its backstrap and cook me up some fajitas.

If done correctly, when I arrive in hell in a few decades I expect the cow to greet me as a friend and thank me profusely.
 
2011-11-04 01:00:24 PM  

IC Stars: Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body? May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now. I have been force feeding myself for months.



Fantastic. Came for this, was not disappoint.
 
2011-11-04 01:00:33 PM  
Is there an option where my beef can be given a futuristic rifle, a cloaking device, and infrared goggles, then released into the jungle so I can hunt it using only my wits and commando training?

www.availableimages.com

That seems like it would taste best.
 
2011-11-04 01:02:17 PM  
Am I the only one that first thought of that Simpsons episode where they went to that slaughterhouse restaurant in the beginning?

/He called me greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
 
2011-11-04 01:22:11 PM  
Please kill the cow as I would prefer to die. Have him work a number of soul crushing jobs, perhaps a strained marriage to another cow. A female cow that thinks procreation is only necessary when the world's population drops back below 2 billion. More crushing soulless jobs. A massive debt just to maintain a decent domicile in the country side. Again, the she-cow will have issues with this and she will remind him that it is not as nice a place as their other cow friends homes.

After a lifetime of that, please take him in to the back room, let him have sex with two female cows and then kill him with a blow to the back of the head post-coitus. I guarantee this: with his dying breath, he will thank you.
 
2011-11-04 01:22:30 PM  
www.american-buddha.com
 
2011-11-04 01:24:49 PM  
Rotating knives?

Ah yes, the abbatoir! Excellent choice, sir!
 
2011-11-04 01:42:29 PM  

Fano: Rotating knives?

Ah yes, the abbatoir! Excellent choice, sir!


'I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes. ...Well I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me.'
 
2011-11-04 01:52:06 PM  
Knock it's horns off, wipe it's nasty ass and drop it on the plate. Bring me some of that wine too. American something or other and fresh. None of this old stuff. Put it on the rocks.
 
2011-11-04 01:55:04 PM  
Scare it to death by yelling "FIRE!"
 
2011-11-04 01:57:34 PM  
On second thought, I think I'll just have a salad...
 
2011-11-04 01:58:05 PM  
www.sadgeezer.com

You have selected "Slow and horrible"
 
2011-11-04 02:10:50 PM  

Coelacanth


The next morning when I walked the dogs again, the cow was still there, happily grazing and perfectly well. I never saw the homeless guy again though.


That's because the cow ate him.
 
2011-11-04 02:15:29 PM  
I'd like my cow drunk and passed out when they kill it. Totally relaxed that way.
 
2011-11-04 02:16:42 PM  

Lt. Cheese Weasel: Fano: Rotating knives?

Ah yes, the abbatoir! Excellent choice, sir!

'I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered CENSORED pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes. ...Well I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me.'


Racist!

/ynnuf kniht I, but looks aren't everything.
 
2011-11-04 02:18:08 PM  
 
2011-11-04 02:21:05 PM  
img.seplis.com
[At the pick-your-own-cow resturant]
Mr Burns: I'll take that one!
*poof*
MOOooo
*thud*
Mr Burns: No, wait, that one!
*poof*
MOOooo
*thud*
Mr Burns: Hmm, actualy I want that one.
*poof*
MOOooo
*thud*
Mr Burns: On second thought, that one.
*poof*
MOOooo
*thud*
Mr Burns: You know what, I'll just have a glass of milk.
Waiter [*evil stare*]
 
2011-11-04 02:32:52 PM  

hogans: I'd prefer some Ameglian Major Cow. (new window)


www.oocities.org

I'll just off and shoot myself, then. Don't worry sir- I'll be very humane.
 
2011-11-04 02:35:00 PM  

Coelacanth: When I first got here to Las Vegas and they started overbuilding the place, there was a cow pasture behind the apartment building where I was living at. One night, while I was walking the dogs, I noticed one of the neighborhood's homeless guys trying to choke a cow to death with his bare hands.

I swear when I made eye contact with the cow, it rolled it's eyes at me.

The next morning when I walked the dogs again, the cow was still there, happily grazing and perfectly well. I never saw the homeless guy again though.


Related: When I tell people my family raised livestock while I was growing up in Vegas people look at me like I'm crazy. Seeing the city nowadays I can understand, but several of my neighbors had horses and cows back then. Ironically I've met fewer people in Texas with livestock than I knew in Las Vegas.

Also, the mental image of someone trying to choke a cow with their bare hands is going to give me chuckles all day. Thanks for that.
 
2011-11-04 02:50:17 PM  

Hypothetical Imperative: Coelacanth: When I first got here to Las Vegas and they started overbuilding the place, there was a cow pasture behind the apartment building where I was living at. One night, while I was walking the dogs, I noticed one of the neighborhood's homeless guys trying to choke a cow to death with his bare hands.

I swear when I made eye contact with the cow, it rolled it's eyes at me.

The next morning when I walked the dogs again, the cow was still there, happily grazing and perfectly well. I never saw the homeless guy again though.

Related: When I tell people my family raised livestock while I was growing up in Vegas people look at me like I'm crazy. Seeing the city nowadays I can understand, but several of my neighbors had horses and cows back then. Ironically I've met fewer people in Texas with livestock than I knew in Las Vegas.

Also, the mental image of someone trying to choke a cow with their bare hands is going to give me chuckles all day. Thanks for that.


What does the mental image of someone trying to choke a chicken do for you?
 
2011-11-04 03:01:38 PM  
I want him to die gracefully. Give her the speedball.
 
2011-11-04 03:02:03 PM  

Harry Freakstorm: Please kill the cow as I would prefer to die. Have him work a number of soul crushing jobs, perhaps a strained marriage to another cow. A female cow that thinks procreation is only necessary when the world's population drops back below 2 billion. More crushing soulless jobs. A massive debt just to maintain a decent domicile in the country side. Again, the she-cow will have issues with this and she will remind him that it is not as nice a place as their other cow friends homes.

After a lifetime of that, please take him in to the back room, let him have sex with two female cows and then kill him with a blow to the back of the head post-coitus. I guarantee this: with his dying breath, he will thank you.


t1.gstatic.com
 
2011-11-04 03:08:25 PM  
Hurry up, I'm starved and you're the one with the opposable thumbs.

protectacow.typepad.com

\hot like prime rib
 
2011-11-04 03:08:55 PM  
I want it slowly clubbed to death by a member of PETA-- preferably one of the cute ones while wearing a bikini and crying.
 
2011-11-04 03:10:35 PM  

Oznog: What does the mental image of someone trying to choke a chicken do for you?


Unlike choking a cow, choking a chicken is not just a plausible action but something that is actually done, though admittedly the goal is not usually suffocation, it is breaking the animal's neck. As a result of it's mundane nature, it lacks the element of absurdity that can easily be imagined in any scene wherein someone tries to accomplish the impossible. Once the element of absurdity is removed all you're left with is the image of someone trying to kill farm animals, which is rarely funny in and of itself.
 
2011-11-04 03:19:37 PM  

supayoda: I want it slowly clubbed to death by a member of PETA-- preferably one of the cute ones while wearing a bikini and crying.


While I may be interested in your newsletter, why on earth would the cow be wearing a bikini?
 
2011-11-04 03:44:01 PM  

Hypothetical Imperative: Oznog: What does the mental image of someone trying to choke a chicken do for you?

Unlike choking a cow, choking a chicken is not just a plausible action but something that is actually done, though admittedly the goal is not usually suffocation, it is breaking the animal's neck. As a result of it's mundane nature, it lacks the element of absurdity that can easily be imagined in any scene wherein someone tries to accomplish the impossible. Once the element of absurdity is removed all you're left with is the image of someone trying to kill farm animals, which is rarely funny in and of itself.


Your post is unintentionally hilarious because of what is meant by choking a chicken.
 
2011-11-04 04:07:07 PM  
I will accept nothing less than grass fed, ninja killed beef. Anything else is below my standards.
 
2011-11-04 04:09:19 PM  
Has anyone mentioned yet that this is very Douglas Adams?
 
2011-11-04 04:09:39 PM  

hausman007: I will accept nothing less than grass fed, ninja killed beef. Anything else is below my standards.


Grass fed is nasty. It's gotta be corn-fed.
 
2011-11-04 04:39:01 PM  
Cows that die a violent or shocking death produce tough meat. This is because the fight or flight mechanism involves a rise in adrenalin, which is the opposite of tenderizer. Muscles contract and become tough. You want muscles to be loose and pliable. This is why animals are often encouraged to be slackers by keeping them in small pens at least for a while before slaughter. You don't want your cow to over-dose on the yoga or the jogging before you slaughter it.

For tender meat, you must kill a cow with kindness. Give it music, beer, massages, love and tender-kindness. The Kobo cattle raisers often go to extremes in order to produce the fineness, heavily marbled steaks for which they are famous. Surprise only works if the cow does not have time to react. This is why the traditional method is a bop on the head. Kosher butchery involves humaine killing (relatively speaking), usually by slitting the throat. This does not cause a lot of alarm or anguish for the cow, although it is a bit messy.

The Masai of East Africa drink the blood and milk of their cattle but do not kill them. They believe they are the divinely appointed guardians of all the world's cattle. During the mad cow scare they offered to help with whatever ceremonies or prayers the Guardians of the World's Cattle can offer.

If I had to choose between slaughterhouse and surprise attack, I would go with surprise attack because it is a cleaner, less stressful kill. Modern industrial agriculture is very nasty sometimes. The best way to slaughter an animal is just to walk up to it with your hand behind your back and pull a revolver on it and put a bullet between the eyes while treacherously making soothing noises. It may help to distract it with a bucket full of grain, corn or some other cow treat.

Spoils the brain, but who eats brain nowadays?
 
2011-11-04 04:44:57 PM  

gojirast: supayoda: I want it slowly clubbed to death by a member of PETA-- preferably one of the cute ones while wearing a bikini and crying.

While I may be interested in your newsletter, why on earth would the cow be wearing a bikini?


What the Hell!?! Cause it's hot baby cause it's hot!

1.bp.blogspot.com

In a rag top even... let's ride.
 
2011-11-04 05:12:14 PM  
24.media.tumblr.com

"I will have your best milk steak, my good man."
 
2011-11-04 05:40:53 PM  
Customers ... can choose whether cows are killed traditionally (the old slaughterhouse style) or in a field as they graze away.

Approves:
profile.ak.fbcdn.net
 
2011-11-04 06:57:39 PM  
Dunno.

If I dint kill it, then maybe I might like to decide because I'm the decider.

I say complete destruction, whatever it is.

And fast.

Like, so Mr. Beef doesn't notice it coming. That's nicest and most humane, really. And if it feeds you, it is worthy of such respect, no?

Don't answer. It's a rhetorical question, really.

If you can't kill what you eat, don't eat it.

That's why I'm an omnivore.

;)
 
2011-11-04 07:54:26 PM  
t0.gstatic.com

i want this guy to kill the cow. after giving it a final coin toss of course.
 
2011-11-04 10:44:55 PM  

Typical Right Wing Doosh: [t0.gstatic.com image 183x276]

i want this guy to kill the cow. after giving it a final coin toss of course.


Yes?
 
2011-11-04 10:49:56 PM  

Hypothetical Imperative: Just about anything is more humane than the way we actually handle food animals but frankly I don't care how my steak becomes steak. Sucks be livestock and all that.

I could see the notion that adrenaline could mess up your beef but I'd be interested in seeing some science to back it up.


I think that many Koreans may disagree with that. They prefer the meat all juiced up with adrenal in which is why they hang the dog by the neck so that it struggles and chokes to death rather than dispatch it quickly and humanely.
 
2011-11-04 11:03:37 PM  

Benjimin_Dover: Hypothetical Imperative: Just about anything is more humane than the way we actually handle food animals but frankly I don't care how my steak becomes steak. Sucks be livestock and all that.

I could see the notion that adrenaline could mess up your beef but I'd be interested in seeing some science to back it up.

I think that many Koreans may disagree with that. They prefer the meat all juiced up with adrenal in which is why they hang the dog by the neck so that it struggles and chokes to death rather than dispatch it quickly and humanely.


I hope I don't know you tall man, because if I do, you will find a karmic package on yer doorstep.

I did not make this package; you did.

You will find it ugly.

;)
 
2011-11-05 02:22:55 AM  

namegoeshere: Has anyone mentioned yet that this is very Douglas Adams?


A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table,
a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with
large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have
been an ingratiating smile on its lips.

'Good evening', it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches,
'I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in the parts
of my body?'
 
2011-11-05 01:14:50 PM  
That's how I want to go. A surprise shot, and then a bountiful harvest of my organs and flesh.
 
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