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(Cracked)   The 50 creepiest pieces of romance advice ever published   (cracked.com) divider line 45
    More: Amusing, single people, Kid 'n Play, romance, tech support, Pez  
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12507 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 29 Oct 2011 at 6:23 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



45 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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2011-10-29 06:04:23 PM
On eighteen convenient pages.
 
2011-10-29 06:10:15 PM
Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.
 
2011-10-29 06:26:23 PM

gameshowhost: On eighteen convenient pages.


3 pages. Also, SeanBaby is the funniest Cracked writer, IMO.
 
2011-10-29 06:33:07 PM

FishyFred: Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.


img832.imageshack.us
 
2011-10-29 06:36:54 PM
Godek is what abortion doctors picture to make their jobs easier.

Ouch.

*yoink*
 
2011-10-29 06:46:07 PM
Ok, I have to admit I LOL'ed several times.
 
2011-10-29 06:46:45 PM
That Cosmo satire pic is awesome.
 
2011-10-29 06:48:35 PM
www.zgeek.com
 
2011-10-29 06:49:12 PM
www.labelheaven.co.uk
 
2011-10-29 06:51:05 PM
FishyFred: Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.

hey now........ that's an insult to horsecrap.
 
2011-10-29 06:52:56 PM
Some of the best? Oderus (lead singer from GWAR) had a romance advice column called "Dear Oderus". That was until the site shut down. Man, I miss that page...
 
2011-10-29 07:04:57 PM
While not advice related this CSB was creepy... I once dated a girl that had a teddy bear collection and she proceeded to tell/show me how she'd pose them differently everyday. It was one of the creepiest quirks I'd ever seen. I attempted to joke about it and play along, but her fascination was weird. It was also the final red flag.
 
2011-10-29 07:11:37 PM
I LOL'd at quite a few. If my guy tried any of those it would be extremely creepy and might force me to kick him to the curb.
 
2011-10-29 07:13:46 PM

FishyFred: Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.


My last serious GF read cosmo. Let the following be a warning to others.....

She would often ask me about my day and stuff I did while she was at work. I'd usually go into decent detail and tell a story or two if something funny/interesting happened.

We end up suddenly breaking up, and part of her reasoning was that I couldn't be trusted on nights that she worked and I didn't. WTF, right? Come to find out, one of her things in Cosmo had this thing saying that if your man goes into lots of details about his day, it's obviously a fabrication because no one can possibly recall lots of things they did so it must be a bunch of contrived lies about where he's been etc.

Seriously f***ked up shiat.
 
2011-10-29 07:18:50 PM
Make like an R.E.M. lyric and f*ck your way around a perfect circle of acquaintances and friends?

/recycling.
 
2011-10-29 07:19:25 PM
That was some really stupid advice. Especially the one about kissing toilet paper. It's a lot more efficient to just rim your lover's asshole, and they'll appreciate it too, especially making out afterwards.
 
2011-10-29 07:56:18 PM
i172.photobucket.com
 
2011-10-29 08:29:19 PM

JLEM: gameshowhost: On eighteen convenient pages.

3 pages. Also, SeanBaby is the funniest Cracked writer, IMO.


I can still remember discovering Seanbaby back around the time I started Farking (@2001). He did an article about a bear that climbed a power pole, got tranquilized by some stupid cop, fell on a power transformer, burst into flames and fell to the ground (the bear apparently survived relatively unharmed). I got a lot of funny looks from my co-workers while reading it.

Ah, here we go. (new window)

"You shot it with a tranquilizer!? The bear's going to fall on that god damn transformer, you fat idiot!" shouted an angry six year old onlooker.

Barney adjusted his collar, and mumbled "Oh.. no, kid. I shot him with... a new thing we're working on. It... grants bears the incredible gift of FLIGHT!!!"

The child's eyes were so filled with wonder, he didn't notice the rest of the inept Albequerque PD running to shut down the transformer. After flipping every switch on the city's power grid control randomly, they weren't able to shut down the power in time to prevent what the locals are calling "The Coolest Thing I Ever F*cking Saw."

www.seanbaby.com

"This is unBEARable!!!"

This week's Zinger Caption Contest winner is the Allen family from North Dakota (inset) who win over $250 in gift certificates and savings for their clever and punny caption!

Runner up:
"sniff! sniff! Oh! Smell's like burnt bear hair! I don't want to eat yogurt NOW!"
- T. Mitchell, Oklahoma
 
2011-10-29 08:55:01 PM

JLEM: gameshowhost: On eighteen convenient pages.

3 pages. Also, SeanBaby is the funniest Cracked writer, IMO.


That's one of the best insults I've seen in a while.
 
2011-10-29 09:04:09 PM

InferiousX: Come to find out, one of her things in Cosmo had this thing saying that if your man goes into lots of details about his day, it's obviously a fabrication because no one can possibly recall lots of things they did so it must be a bunch of contrived lies about where he's been etc.


It's one thing to read women's magazines, but you gotta be crazy in the first place to actually believe them.

Just like religious texts.
 
2011-10-29 09:07:40 PM

InferiousX: FishyFred: Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.

My last serious GF read cosmo. Let the following be a warning to others.....

She would often ask me about my day and stuff I did while she was at work. I'd usually go into decent detail and tell a story or two if something funny/interesting happened.

We end up suddenly breaking up, and part of her reasoning was that I couldn't be trusted on nights that she worked and I didn't. WTF, right? Come to find out, one of her things in Cosmo had this thing saying that if your man goes into lots of details about his day, it's obviously a fabrication because no one can possibly recall lots of things they did so it must be a bunch of contrived lies about where he's been etc.

Seriously f***ked up shiat.


I thought people like that were just a myth. Like that person on FML who got dumped because he wasn't enough like Edward Cullen.
 
2011-10-29 09:17:34 PM

stainedglassdoll: Ok, I have to admit I LOL'ed several times.


Me, too. Laughed out loud, for real.
 
2011-10-29 09:25:24 PM
These books might have sold well in the 1970s to idiot people who were fixated on fondu and macrame.
 
2011-10-29 09:38:22 PM
FTA: "I imagine a normal day for Godek's wife is tearing the fruity puns off all her household products in a desperate attempt to find one poisonous enough to kill her."

Oh, Man I lol'd.
 
2011-10-29 09:47:49 PM

stainedglassdoll: Ok, I have to admit I LOL'ed several times.


The third page seemed reaching. 1 & 2 are awesome.
 
2011-10-29 09:50:14 PM
Unfortunately NOT a fake, it seems.

a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net
 
2011-10-29 09:53:09 PM
By the way, this is the Facebook profile page of the magazine. Feel free to offer your opinon on http://www.facebook.com/simplyhersingapore
 
2011-10-29 10:01:43 PM
I got bored quick, but the one where Godek suggested reading "The Joy of Sex" was was particularly idiotic. Never tell your readers to put down your crappy book and pick up a better one, they'll likely never come back.
 
2011-10-29 10:37:20 PM
Yeah, I read the Ann Kok article. It's main point was to bathe in horse semen.
 
2011-10-29 11:29:33 PM
They lost me at the Ritz Crackers advice.
 
2011-10-29 11:34:58 PM

PJRart: Yeah, I read the Ann Kok article. It's main point was to bathe in horse semen.


...were there any pictures? Y'know...for research.
 
2011-10-29 11:42:23 PM

Ed Finnerty: JLEM: gameshowhost: On eighteen convenient pages.

3 pages. Also, SeanBaby is the funniest Cracked writer, IMO.

That's one of the best insults I've seen in a while.


I don't much find the rest of them funny. Seanbaby.com and ManComics are f*cking hilarious.

www.seanbaby.com
 
2011-10-30 12:57:39 AM

JLEM: Also, SeanBaby is the funniest Cracked writer, IMO.


Seanbaby died when EGM died. Do not be fooled by this imposter.
 
2011-10-30 01:17:15 AM
Oh, I get it; the book sucks. Please tell me another 49 ways it sucks. After that, I will tell you how not only is the first nugget of my dog's poop smelly, but also how every consecutive nugget is also smelly.

I ceased finding the maddox-style ripping on shiat funny years ago.
 
2011-10-30 01:32:45 AM

100 Watt Walrus: FishyFred: Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.

[img832.imageshack.us image 610x915]



Mmmm...Christina "The Bosom" Hendricks.
 
2011-10-30 01:37:36 AM
I wanted to laugh, but the reality of knowing someone actually paid those nitwits to write that shiat, people actually bought copies, and some of them probably attempted to actually implement some of their horrible, horrible advice was just too sobering.

On the other hand, if you're in a terrible relationship but don't want to be the one to break it off, what a great way to get the other person to do it!
 
2011-10-30 02:55:06 AM

Shenanigans!: I wanted to laugh, but the reality of knowing someone actually paid those nitwits to write that shiat, people actually bought copies, and some of them probably attempted to actually implement some of their horrible, horrible advice was just too sobering.

On the other hand, if you're in a terrible relationship but don't want to be the one to break it off, what a great way to get the other person to do it!


I would assume that the only person to ever buy a copy of these things was Seanbaby (although, I could just as easily picture him sat in the bookshop writing his article without buying anything).

Also, I have a feeling that they are all written by one hideously insane spinster of a certain age who pilot tests all her advice using her collection of Peirroth dolls.
 
2011-10-30 03:44:51 AM
From TFA (page 2): Tomima is so asexual that when she wades crotch-deep into a swamp, it dries up 15 acres of alligator habitat.

Hehehehehehe....
 
2011-10-30 04:27:29 AM

100 Watt Walrus: FishyFred: Those are positively tame compared to the horsecrap in Cosmo.

[img832.imageshack.us image 610x915]


Egg beater? I think the only person who'd find pleasure in that would be the Goat-Man, and I'm pretty sure he's gay.
 
VYV
2011-10-30 05:34:09 AM

dustlesswalnut: Oh, I get it; the book sucks. Please tell me another 49 ways it sucks. After that, I will tell you how not only is the first nugget of my dog's poop smelly, but also how every consecutive nugget is also smelly.

I ceased finding the maddox-style ripping on shiat funny years ago.


good for you skippy. lucky you got that whole dog shiat sniffing thing to keep yourself entertained...
 
2011-10-30 10:06:14 AM

dustlesswalnut: Oh, I get it; the book sucks. Please tell me another 49 ways it sucks. After that, I will tell you how not only is the first nugget of my dog's poop smelly, but also how every consecutive nugget is also smelly.

I ceased finding the maddox-style ripping on shiat funny years ago.


You're all growns up!
 
2011-10-30 10:23:08 AM
So, what's the bet that this book is is sold at Hallmark stores? His card ideas would cost about 100 dollars a month.

The truth is though, the first 25 examples seem more like stalker training than romantic advice.
 
2011-10-30 03:02:14 PM

RadicalMiddle:

The truth is though, the first 25 examples seem more like stalker training than romantic advice.


There's a stalker book??
 
2011-10-31 02:29:41 AM

JLEM: gameshowhost: On eighteen convenient pages.

3 pages. Also, SeanBaby is the funniest Cracked writer, IMO.


Seanbaby deserves to be a market force on his own. I'd much rather see him be a source than the mediocre cracked stuff we see most of the time.
 
2011-11-01 02:30:45 PM
Is it just me, or does that last lady, Mara Whatever, look exactly like Karla Homolka?
 
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