ManateeGag: I like you, you make sense. What are you doing on Fark?

probably poking people

Facebook Fark use now cited in one of every five U.S. divorces. In other news, 4 out of 5 spouses still secretly getting poked

FTFY

How long until somebody tries to sue Facebook and claim it caused them to get divorced?

How many cite Casual Encounters?

hobblekitty: Facebook does not cause divorce.
Dysfunctional marriages cause divorce.
Not considering the meaning of the words "til death do us part" before uttering them is what causes divorce.
People rubbing their whoo-has against other whoo-has that they aren't supposed to be rubbing up against causes divorce.

If Facebook killed your marriage, your marriage was already dead. In this case, Facebook is just kind of like the pallbearer carrying the corpse of your dead marriage to the hole in the ground that is your inevitable divorce.

I disagree.

People aren't perfect and neither are marriages (see the divorce rate). A normal marriage will have some dysfunction in them. People will have some dysfunction in them. And it takes work for a marriage to be successful.

Facebook and similar forms of modern communication make it much easier to passively maintain relationships and to passively connect with other people in a socially acceptable way. 20 years ago, it would not be cool for me to call long-distance once a week to talk to three of my ex-girlfriends and two old flames from college that, for whatever reason, we just never managed to get the timing right and enter a relationship. That behaviour wouldn't be considered normal.

But today, with Facebook (or MySpace or LiveJournal or countless others) I do passively keep in touch with these people. I read their messages, they read mine; we rarely talk directly to one another, but we know what is going on with one another.

At the very least it is temptation. It brings the 'grass is always greener' concept to the forefront every time you visit Facebook. You can see who is still hot, who isn't, who has what job, who lives where, etc, etc....and it significantly lowers the bar. Again, I'm married. I'm not going to go out to a bar and intentionally try to hit on women. But with Facebook it's very easy to slowly begin the process of cheating and before you realize it, it becomes a real possibility.

CSB....

I was living with a girl for about four years. We'd been talking about getting married and we were very much in love. We'd both finished our degrees at the same school were ready to start a life together. Housing prices were insane back then, but we had a small condo to fix up and an apartment we were still living in during the renovations. And, while many would disagree, I don't consider myself an a%%hole. I never set out with the intention of hurting her or cheating on her.

One night I received a message on MySpace from an old friend. A female friend. A girl I had tried to date the year before I met my current girlfriend. It was 5am on New Years and she'd finished the night with one too many to drink and sent me a message.

Prior to this, I'd been with my girl for years. And I had every intention of marrying her.

Still, like I said, things never worked out with this other girl; but I really, really felt a connection. But whatever, it was just a MySpace message. So I wrote back. I didn't consider that cheating. It was just a silly message. Happy New Years! No big deal. But the messages continued. And again, where do you draw the line? Certainly some harmless chatting with an old friend/failed romantic interest seemed innocent enough. And it wasn't meant to be a secret, but at the same time, I didn't bother to tell my current girlfriend. Over time, our messages got longer and longer and more frequent. I really enjoyed our messages. Still, that's not cheating, right? Cheating is when you go out and sleep with another girl. I didn't even *touch* this girl.

It was probably a full six months later that I realized what a problem it had become. At this point I had strong feelings for the MySpace girl and looked forward to each message. I knew it wasn't right. Had she been drunk and knocked on my door (instead of my MySpace account) I'd have told her I wasn't interested. I had no desire to cheat on my girlfriend. I struggled with what was 'right' and I came to believe I would be happier with the MySpace girl. I broke things off with my current girlfriend (again, I hadn't physically cheated) as honourably as I could. But what can you say? 'Sorry Babe, you did nothing wrong; but I think I like some other girl more...'

That was all five years ago. I'm now married to the MySpace girl and life is great. But I want to emphasize that my last girlfriend was really great too. And I'm 100% certain we could have had a great marriage together. She's a really good person. I wish her well and I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. Still, if our relationship would have happened 25 years ago, before the internet was everywhere - I have no doubt in my mind that we would have gotten married and raised a family. And it would have been a good marriage too.

So yeah - I do think there is something to be said for the role things like Facebook can play in dating and marriage.

Mah POkE-maNs, let me shu tham 2 u.

I've got a couple of women on Facebook who get into that sort of "poking" thing where they will poke you but never actually message you. It's very weird.

You how to tell which Fark poster are not on Facebook?

Fark_Guy_Rob: snip..

Nice story. I wish you and your wife the best.

However, this can be concidered a test of self-control, will-power, and morality. I am happy it worked out for you but this could have gone all sideways just as easily. For one, if your current wife/then-friend knew that you were dating someone at the time, it says something that she (and even yourself) didn't respect the relationship you were in at the time. It was still cheating in your heart and mind. Cheating isn't just physical.

Also, you were living with someone whom you knew their habits, folibies, idioms and quirks. You gave that up for someone you had just talked with online and had not spent any face time for years. I am happy for you that it all worked out but it very easily could have went sideways if she had some habit or quirk that you didn't realize until after you started dating her.

Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat. You didn't have self-control, will-power to avoid something that could have ruined your life at that point, and respect for the relationship you had been in. Also, who knows that in 5-10 years more that your current wife or yourself end up repeating history with someone else. A relationship based on a starting point of cheating isn't something I would say is 100% stable.

My wife has the passwords for my facebook and email accounts. If she wants to read about my boring assed life, she's welcome to.

I'm not about to do something so radical as reading the article, but I'm going to go ahead and bet that the "4 of 5" statistic is wholly anecdotal and lacking in objective data.

I simply love people that use marriage as a crutch.

Bschott007: Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat.

Explain how he cheated. As you stated there was no physical contact between the two. When does conversing with another person become cheating? It's not like their conversations revolved around sex. He felt a connection but never acted on it. When he realized the connection was stronger, he did the right thing and ended the relationship.

I don't see the problem.

Your Zionist Leader: Additionally, burritos are delicious

This is true.

No_Sir: Bschott007: Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat.

Explain how he cheated. As you stated there was no physical contact between the two. When does conversing with another person become cheating? It's not like their conversations revolved around sex. He felt a connection but never acted on it. When he realized the connection was stronger, he did the right thing and ended the relationship.

I don't see the problem.

Not that I'm going to defend anyone here but....

You can emotionally cheat on someone. It doesn't have to be all physical. If you're married to a person, but spend your time and energy with someone else, meeting their needs, having them tell you they love you and vice versa, you ARE emotionally cheating on your spouse.

Those words, feelings and emotions you pledged to your SO are going to someone else. Whether there was physical contact or not, you are unavailable to your spouse.

My CSB:

I went to college in Kansas City, MO back in the late 90's. I used to be very introverted in high school and found myself quite lonely and depressed even though I was making A's in college. This was the time that big band music was becoming more mainstream. I always had an interest in the 30's-40's era so this "swing revival" was a natural interest for me.

I ended up pushing myself out of my shell and forcing myself to be more outgoing. During this time I ended up meeting a gal my own age with whom there was an instant attraction. We only would dance together but there was that physical and emotional attraction that really drew us together. I found out, however, that she was married less than a year. While I had not met her husband, I respected him and their marriage.

I ended up transfering to a different college (I decided Electrical Engineering wasn't for me and IT was more my style) and for a while we stayed in contact, however I later ended our talks when she commented that she was feeling a deep attraction to me and I realized that our emails were creating a problem with her marriage. I bit the bullet and ended our communications in an email explaining that I realized how I would feel if I were married and my wife was communicating all the time with some other man. How I did care about her and respect her...and because of that we needed to stop this before it destroyed her marriage and our friendship. Should she ever need my help she can always contact me but otherwise we needed to stop our constant communications.

That was 12 years ago. I still think about her every once and a while. I have heard through mutual friends that she is happily married to a good man. They have two children and a successful business. I am happy for her and I don't regret ending things.

No_Sir: Bschott007: Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat.

Explain how he cheated. As you stated there was no physical contact between the two. When does conversing with another person become cheating? It's not like their conversations revolved around sex. He felt a connection but never acted on it. When he realized the connection was stronger, he did the right thing and ended the relationship.

I don't see the problem.

Emotional cheating is still cheating. He was in a committed relationship and was daily communicating with someone on the side. As stated earlier in this thread, if the conversations he was having with his now-wife was something he would have in front of his then-girlfriend, no harm done. If they were converstations which would create issues between himself and his then-girlfriend then that is a problem.

He knew it was 'wrong' long before he broke up with his ex. He ended up breaking up when he fully realized he thought this other woman was best for him. Cheating isn't just physical.

Seriously...how many times is this story going to get greenlit?

Raug the Dwarf: No_Sir: Bschott007: Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat.

Explain how he cheated. As you stated there was no physical contact between the two. When does conversing with another person become cheating? It's not like their conversations revolved around sex. He felt a connection but never acted on it. When he realized the connection was stronger, he did the right thing and ended the relationship.

I don't see the problem.

Not that I'm going to defend anyone here but....

You can emotionally cheat on someone. It doesn't have to be all physical. If you're married to a person, but spend your time and energy with someone else, meeting their needs, having them tell you they love you and vice versa, you ARE emotionally cheating on your spouse.

Those words, feelings and emotions you pledged to your SO are going to someone else. Whether there was physical contact or not, you are unavailable to your spouse.

I understand what you are saying but I'm not sure it applies here. He wasn't married and he was trading emails and/or chatting. From what he's written, there's no indication that either of them were saying they loved each other. How do we know he neglected his spouse? For all I know, he didn't.

hobblekitty: This. Also, I don't recall him specifying that the conversations did not include sex, so they may very well have. In addition, the fact that he kept it a secret knowing it might upset her makes it a betrayal. If there is truly nothing wrong with what he did then why keep it secret?

You don't have to tell your girlfriend about every conversation you have. I chat with female coworkers all the time about things not related to work. Do I need to tell my girlfriend about each conversation?

A lot of balderdash. Let's face it: Humans are just glorified monkeys that go into heat thirteen times a year under the influence of the leering full Moon. In bygone days, the fear of social ostracization, the prospect of burning in the fires of hell drummed into their heads by stern preachers, and even gruesome physical punishments were the only factors that kept ordinary folk from romping like bunnies on a viagra drip every chance they got - and even then the results were uneven. Now, everyone has a car and there are motels on every second street corner, and to top it off, there's the intertubes through which people can arrange to scratch the ancient itch. Some people are predisposed these things, and would always skulk out behind the tents for a little illicit DNA-mixing, but the fearful are now ridiculously empowered to join their more adventurous fellows. Facebook? Yeah, it's an enabler for sure - because it opens up opportunities, which is all most people require. The hindbrain is in the driver's seat.

No_Sir: Raug the Dwarf: No_Sir: Bschott007: Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat.

Explain how he cheated. As you stated there was no physical contact between the two. When does conversing with another person become cheating? It's not like their conversations revolved around sex. He felt a connection but never acted on it. When he realized the connection was stronger, he did the right thing and ended the relationship.


I understand what you are saying but I'm not sure it applies here. He wasn't married and he was trading emails and/or chatting. From what he's written, there's no indication that either of them were saying they loved each other. How do we know he neglected his spouse? For all I know, he didn't.

From the part I bolded, it sounded like you meant that cheating implied physical contact. I was just pointing out that you CAN cheat without physical contact.

No_Sir: Bschott007: Again, I wish you the best but you did cheat.

Explain how he cheated. As you stated there was no physical contact between the two. When does conversing with another person become cheating? It's not like their conversations revolved around sex. He felt a connection but never acted on it. When he realized the connection was stronger, he did the right thing and ended the relationship.

I don't see the problem.

It's like those people that think music and drugs are idolatry.

Bschott007: He knew it was 'wrong' long before he broke up with his ex. He ended up breaking up when he fully realized he thought this other woman was best for him.

Again, I don't see how it's wrong. You may love your girlfriend but you might meet someone tomorrow you realize you like more. Most people will feel bad or even guilty about having to break off the relationship, but it's the right thing to do.

canyoneer: A lot of balderdash. Let's face it: Humans are just glorified monkeys that go into heat thirteen times a year under the influence of the leering full Moon. In bygone days, the fear of social ostracization, the prospect of burning in the fires of hell drummed into their heads by stern preachers, and even gruesome physical punishments were the only factors that kept ordinary folk from romping like bunnies on a viagra drip every chance they got - and even then the results were uneven. Now, everyone has a car and there are motels on every second street corner, and to top it off, there's the intertubes through which people can arrange to scratch the ancient itch. Some people are predisposed these things, and would always skulk out behind the tents for a little illicit DNA-mixing, but the fearful are now ridiculously empowered to join their more adventurous fellows. Facebook? Yeah, it's an enabler for sure - because it opens up opportunities, which is all most people require. The hindbrain is in the driver's seat.

Raug the Dwarf: From the part I bolded, it sounded like you meant that cheating implied physical contact. I was just pointing out that you CAN cheat without physical contact.

I understand your point and I agree but I don't know how anyone can say he cheated, emotionally, on his ex. IMO, it would have been cheating if he realized he liked the other woman and continued to live the lie with his ex. Instead he thought hard about it and chose the other girl.

I think the "emotional cheating" is Oprah-type BS. There is a line, but what that line is is not clearly defined nor the same thing for everyone.

Some people have mentioned if you have to hide something from a spouse that is cheating. I disagree. If your wife thinks going to a strip club is cheating and you go to one for a bachelor party, it is dishonest to hide this or lie about it, but it is not cheating.

Likewise many people have a work husband/wife. Often this relationship is very close due to the nature of the job or other factors. If one spouse saw some of the interactions that take place on a daily basis they might not like it, but as long as it stays a certain way it is not cheating.

Any rationale about it being cheating because you are providing mental or emotional support therefore it is cheating is dumb. You can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex? If you can, you can't emotionally support a friend in a time of need? What if you are emotionally supporting a same-sex friend? Is that cheating?

My wife and I have talked about what does and does not constitute cheating. There are things she does that I don't particularly like with her old college boyfriends (and college friends that are male), but that's my own insecurities about things. Likewise I'm sure there are things about my interactions with some of my female friends that she isn't fond of, but neither of these rise to the level of cheating.

Hell, with emotional cheating, how many of you have neglected a spouse or significant other to watch a football game or play a video game (both of which people get very passionate about). Neither of those is cheating. Both of them fall more under the category of neglect.

//Define what constitutes cheating with your partner before you make anything legal. If going to a strip club is cheating to them, run.

I was recently PMed by a former crush, so I'm really getting a kick out of these replies.

I had a serious crush on someone (off and on) in grades 7-10, but she was never interested in me as more than a friend - which I eventually accepted and moved on.

We've both been on Facebook for the past few years and have mutual friends there. I've seen her in the "People You May Know" category, but have never sent a friend request. I've also noticed her last name has very recently changed back to her maiden name. I, on the other hand, am happily married (and plan to stay that way). Out of respect to my wife, I don't friend exes or former crushes. (And she isn't even on Facebook.)

A few weeks ago she sent me a message, asking why I had liked her soo (her spelling) much in high school, saying she was just curious. We graduated in 1988 and haven't had any contact in close to 20 years (even though we do live in the same town), so this was pretty out of nowhere. I didn't get into the details as to what I had liked about her, just that it had been a crush. I then added "Sorry if it weirded you out or anything", which was somewhat sarcastic because her PM had kind of weirded me out a bit.

She replied again saying she hadn't been weirded out, she was just curious because only me and one other guy from school had ever written her notes (and she did briefly date him after high school). She also sent a friend request that time. I didn't grant it, but I replied asking what had made her think of that. After she didn't answer the question, I declined the request. Last weekend I got a second friend request from her and declined it again. I didn't even know you could send a second request if you were declined the first time.

I don't know that she's trying to hook up with me or anything, but it still seems weird, and dangerous, even with the most innocent of intentions. One of the women I work with think she's possibly just feeling low and looking for a pick-me-up, but it isn't my place to help other women feel better about themselves. I'm not surprised that Facebook is being cited in so many divorces.

I'm surprised that there is so much agreement here on Fark about emotional cheating (given the levity we have on everything else here), and I appreciate that I'm in good company in thinking adding her as a friend is a bad idea.

mjbok:

If you're giving emotional "eros" love and support while denying your spouse that love and support, that is cheating.