That girl that is making your life unpleasant will end up morbidly obese and her husband will leave her for another man. You will remain thin and beautiful.
And about a billion other things.

the girl problems? get them over with. NOW. ask for help.

/not from girls.

It will basically be a list of guys to avoid and dumb decisions not to make.

Pay closer attention in math class.

Dear 16-year old WTF Indeed,

What the f*ck are you doing! God, you are lazy. I wish I could reach through this paper and kidney punch you.

Sincerely,

Future me.

PS. When someone tells you about a website called Fark. Ignore them.

"Drink, take drugs and fornicate."

/some nobel prize guy

Dear 16 year old bugontherug:

Don't stick it in crazy. Also, quit smoking you twit.

You're not ugly- you could be having lots of sex. It's a good thing.

Hey Bone Head, don't get the penis reduction.

Don't choose radio for a career.

Leave a message to the young Capt. Steroid to ignore the part about the D-bags leaving out of Newark and to concentrate on Boston Logan and DC Dulles instead?

Shostie: Dear 16-year-old Shostie SlashmanSG,

Discard any ideas in your head about majoring in music.

Oh, and "She's not worth it."

Keep up the good work.

Don't be such a nice person. Don't worry so much about what other people think of what you do and just do what you really want. It will save you a lot of pain and frustration.

P.S. Said changes may increase pain and frustration but I don't know that.
P.P.S. Buy stocks in Apple and Google.

It gets better!

Stop smoking and go get laid.

"Those girls seem like a big deal at the time... They're not. Have fun, you'll be fine. And don't put off going to the dermatologist till you're 22."

Dear 16 year old me:

LSD is not for every day, and one hit is sufficient. Further, the moon ate a big pink kumquat.

Don't get drunk around fat chicks.

Dear Me,

I know things are rough right now, but they do get better. The bullies in your life making things miserable won't always be around, and you'll meet many great people after you leave high school and the shiatty town you grew up in. You're a smart kid and will grow into a smart man, with a nice job, and some really awesome cats.

Don't worry about sex, or girlfriends too much. You'll eventually get laid, but it won't be for a while, so you should keep up with your regular masturbation practice (I know you will anyway). I know it sounds crazy, but you'll eventually meet females who want to see you naked, and who will be willing to do the same for you.

PS. Don't worry about getting caught for that thing you did a few years back. No one will find out it was you.

Dear 16-yr old self,

Stop playing video games NOW. They are stunting your social development and making you awkward even to this day, which happens to be why I'm now frequenting Fark.com. Thanks for that. Also, when you get to college, network network network!

Love,
'Saws

Dear Minimonkey,

Get some excersize. Ask Alex in your math class out. This'll be the only chance you'll get. Spend more time with Grandma, as well as Grandpa George. You don't have much more time.

Buy Apple stock. Invest in other tech until Christmas 1999. Keep Apple, and move the rest into energy
and real estate until about 2007ish. Get out of your positions and short the hell out of Freddie Mac and Frannie Mae then. After that, diversify. Most stocks don't have anywhere to go but up at that point.

Oh, and skip the Ottawa U applications and go to UWO.

I would tell myself about all the girls in HS and college that wanted to have sex with me but I was too much of a dork to notice. I would also tell myself about all the girls in HS and college that didn't want to have sex with me, so I wouldn't waste years of my time chasing after them.