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(The Hairpin) Amusing Your guide to decoding movie reviews   (thehairpin.com) divider line 53
More: Amusing, comic actors, Movie Review, American accents, earnest, Keira Knightley, Adam Sandler  
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5267 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 21 Oct 2011 at 5:59 PM   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»   |    Get this fabulous T-Shirt and impress the methane out of your friends! shirt it!



53 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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Jamdug! [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 03:42:20 PM
What's a 'YA novel'?
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 04:07:52 PM
YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.
 
Jamdug! [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 04:27:09 PM
ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Ah. Right. Thanks.
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:05:06 PM
Jamdug!: ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Ah. Right. Thanks.

I didn't know Twilight was a YA Novel. I coulda sworn is was...what's the word?

Ah, yes.

Crap on 7-grain whole wheat toast.
 
fusillade762
2011-10-21 06:09:29 PM
Review - "This movie is just a huge pile of shiat, destined to be remembered as the epic failure it is."

Blurb on movie poster - "huge... destined to be remembered... epic"
 
wont_eat_bugs [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 06:12:09 PM
ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Next up--The Hunger Games.

/no, I don't know what it's about.
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:14:30 PM
wont_eat_bugs: Next up--The Hunger Games.

/no, I don't know what it's about.

Well, for one thing, it's better written than Twilight. That is, the author isn't a Mormon hausfrau, and actually has another series under her belt.
 
styckx [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 06:14:58 PM
That page wasn't only not amusing it also didn't even warrant a facepalm it was so bad. Is that a copy paste from a chain mail grandma got in her AOL inbox?
 
zato_ichi
2011-10-21 06:15:56 PM
"A coming-of-age tale" = guaranteed implied underage sex
 
Apos [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 06:16:26 PM
PizzaJedi81: Jamdug!: ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Ah. Right. Thanks.

I didn't know Twilight was a YA Novel. I coulda sworn is was...what's the word?

Ah, yes.

Crap on 7-grain whole wheat toast.


Turns out that your assessment was spot-on.
 
wont_eat_bugs [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 06:20:10 PM
PizzaJedi81: wont_eat_bugs: Next up--The Hunger Games.

/no, I don't know what it's about.

Well, for one thing, it's better written than Twilight. That is, the author isn't a Mormon hausfrau, and actually has another series under her belt.

The only thing I've seen that's "worse" than Twilight is Atlanta Nights (download it if you can), but that was written by a group of Sci-Fi authors trying to make a point about vanity publishing. If I recall, there's even a chapter generated by computer and it makes almost as much sense as Edward being able to produce sperm.

/"I could make him come, but I could never make him guffaw."
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:20:53 PM
wont_eat_bugs: "I could make him come, but I could never make him guffaw."

I just found a new greeting for when my phone starts up.
 
Lumbar Puncture
2011-10-21 06:24:00 PM
PizzaJedi81: Jamdug!: ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Ah. Right. Thanks.

I didn't know Twilight was a YA Novel. I coulda sworn is was...what's the word?

Ah, yes.

Crap on 7-grain whole wheat toast.

YA Novel, Crap, same difference.
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:26:10 PM
Lumbar Puncture: YA Novel, Crap, same difference.

Would like a word:

upload.wikimedia.org
 
strangeguitar
2011-10-21 06:26:20 PM
That was a great list.
 
Weigard
2011-10-21 06:26:21 PM
PizzaJedi81: wont_eat_bugs: Next up--The Hunger Games.

/no, I don't know what it's about.

Well, for one thing, it's better written than Twilight. That is, the author isn't a Mormon hausfrau, and actually has another series under her belt.

Was that series also written by a Japanese guy first?
 
PanicMan
2011-10-21 06:29:57 PM
[TheCritic.gif]
 
Uzzah
2011-10-21 06:32:11 PM
styckx: That page wasn't only not amusing it also didn't even warrant a facepalm it was so bad. Is that a copy paste from a chain mail grandma got in her AOL inbox?

This. Not only was it unfunny, it ididn't make a great deal of sense. "A triumph" necessarily means "a horse-related backdrop"? Oh-kaaay.

/"One Crazy Summer" -- now *that's* a triumph.
 
Snapper Carr
2011-10-21 06:36:04 PM
wont_eat_bugs: ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Next up--The Hunger Games.

/no, I don't know what it's about.

read/watch Battle Royale and you'll have a pretty good idea.
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:36:20 PM
Weigard: Was that series also written by a Japanese guy first?

I think you're thinking of Diane Wynn Jones.
 
in a landscape
2011-10-21 06:41:02 PM
danceplanet.com

"Critics are raving..."
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:46:10 PM
in a landscape: [danceplanet.com image 476x361]

"Critics are raving..."

Huh...and here I was thinking it was just an incomplete quote. The remainder being "Lunatics."
 
bill4935
2011-10-21 06:48:46 PM
FTA: CTRL-F r o m p

"romp" not found.


WEAK.
 
Current Resident [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 06:52:55 PM
"Depicts an earnest longing" = get ready to see a lot of Keira Knightley's neck-acting

"I mean look at Kiera Knightly - she's just an ironing board with a face, and she works." - Jeremy Clarkson

www.wildsound-filmmaking-feedback-events.com
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-21 06:53:45 PM
Current Resident: "Depicts an earnest longing" = get ready to see a lot of Keira Knightley's neck-acting

"I mean look at Kiera Knightly - she's just an ironing board with a face, and she works." - Jeremy Clarkson

[www.wildsound-filmmaking-feedback-events.com image 344x530]

I've always thought she had one of the prettiest faces I ever came across.

/works every time.
 
Smeggy Smurf
2011-10-21 06:53:50 PM
Critic: I liked it

Translation: It's a fermented bag of pig vomit
 
FunkOut [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 07:08:48 PM
"A sobering look" = narrated by Morgan Freeman

That or it's over an hour of being lectured about something so you somehow feel bad but aren't sure how you're supposed to do anything about it.
 
3825968
2011-10-21 07:15:34 PM
 
unicron702
2011-10-21 07:25:03 PM
FunkOut: "A sobering look" = narrated by Morgan Freeman

That or it's over an hour of being lectured about something so you somehow feel bad but aren't sure how you're supposed to do anything about it.

It's Morgan Freeman. Do as your told.
 
SomeoneDumb
2011-10-21 07:33:46 PM
I can't find much fault with that list.
 
ununcle
2011-10-21 07:36:37 PM
That was farking cool.
 
Fano
2011-10-21 07:44:50 PM
But how to decode scores on the shermometer?
 
Riotboy
2011-10-21 07:46:57 PM
"I laughed until I stopped."
 
3825968
2011-10-21 07:58:04 PM
 
Gosling
2011-10-21 08:04:55 PM
Total lack of review superlatives on box: Run. Run away. The critics gave it more slam lines than a Taylor Swift album.
 
Current Resident [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 08:18:05 PM
PizzaJedi81: Current Resident: "Depicts an earnest longing" = get ready to see a lot of Keira Knightley's neck-acting

"I mean look at Kiera Knightly - she's just an ironing board with a face, and she works." - Jeremy Clarkson

[www.wildsound-filmmaking-feedback-events.com image 344x530]

I've always thought she had one of the prettiest faces I ever came across.

/works every time.

I second and third that.

/motion carried
 
Dear Jerk
2011-10-21 09:04:10 PM
Smeggy Smurf 2011-10-21 06:53:50 PM
Critic: I liked it
Translation: It's a fermented bag of pig vomit

Internet commenter: It's a fermented bag of pig vomit
Translation: I haven't seen it
 
Mugato [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 09:35:07 PM
TFA might be kind of lame and contrived but it's pretty accurate.
 
jaylectricity [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 09:37:51 PM
Uzzah: "A triumph" necessarily means "a horse-related backdrop"? Oh-kaaay.

Find me a review that calls a movie a triumph that's not a horse movie. Don't include movies that include triumph in the title. And definitely don't include it when a reviewer claims that something bad triumphs the movie, such as "potty humor triumphs in this coming of age story."
 
I Like Bread
2011-10-21 11:10:58 PM
I loved it. It was better than Cats. I'm going to watch it again and again.
 
Uzzah
2011-10-21 11:43:15 PM
jaylectricity: Find me a review that calls a movie a triumph that's not a horse movie. Don't include movies that include triumph in the title. And definitely don't include it when a reviewer claims that something bad triumphs the movie, such as "potty humor triumphs in this coming of age story."

Seriously?

Roger Ebert reviewing "Minority Report": "At a time when movies think they have to choose between action and ideas, Steven Spielberg's "Minority Report" is a triumph--a film that works on our minds and our emotions."

Elvis Mitchell reviewing "The People vs. Larry Flynt": "'The People vs. Larry Flynt' is a blazing, unlikely triumph about a man who is nobody's idea of a movie hero."

Peter Travers reviewing "Mulholland Drive": "This sinful pleasure is a fresh triumph for Lynch, and one of the best films of a sorry-ass year."

A.O. Scott reviewing "The Life Aquatic": "The actor's quiet, downcast presence modulates the antic busyness that encircles him, and his performance is a triumph of comic minimalism."

/technically, there may have been a horse in "Mulholland Drive"
 
jaylectricity [TotalFark]
2011-10-21 11:50:57 PM
Damn...I've already seen all those movies.
 
Gyrfalcon [TotalFark]
2011-10-22 12:51:55 AM
Better definition of "a triumph": "The critic couldn't think of a superlative to define this movie, so he/she used 'triumph' because it sounded so good."

Here's how you can tell: A synonym for "triumph" could be "victory." Switch the words, and if the review still makes sense, then the movie is probably good. If not, it's probably bad. Or at least the film wasn't as great as the critic thought it was.

Example: "Spielberg's Minority Report is a victory--" Was it? Or was it just better than the other dreck out at the time?
"A victory for Lynch..." Possibly, especially given the awful stuff he produced prior to Mulholland Drive.

Any syrupy movie about horses is probably not a triumph.
 
Bagelox-99
2011-10-22 01:28:25 AM
Triumph would actually be a good name for a horse.
 
Freschel
2011-10-22 03:32:37 AM
styckx: That page wasn't only not amusing it also didn't even warrant a facepalm it was so bad. Is that a copy paste from a chain mail grandma got in her AOL inbox?

Let me guess. You submitted this with a better headline and they turn it down.
 
PizzaJedi81
2011-10-22 07:05:53 AM
Bagelox-99: Triumph would actually be a good name for a horse.

Yes, it WOULD be a good name...for me to poop on!

cdn.videogum.com
 
brigid_fitch [TotalFark]
2011-10-22 09:52:50 AM
wont_eat_bugs: ZAZ: YA = Young Adult, i.e. early teen. Twilight, for example.

Next up--The Hunger Games.

/no, I don't know what it's about.

It's Battle Royale set in a post-apocalyptic United States. But is *is* very well-written.
 
JLEM
2011-10-22 02:50:02 PM
Ha! Ha! "Neck-acting."
 
Smeggy Smurf
2011-10-22 05:18:29 PM
Dear Jerk: Smeggy Smurf 2011-10-21 06:53:50 PM
Critic: I liked it
Translation: It's a fermented bag of pig vomit

Internet commenter: It's a fermented bag of pig vomit
Translation: I haven't seen it

And I'm not going to either. So there. PPphbhbhbhbpphbhbh!
 
Fireproof
2011-10-22 05:43:40 PM
Don't forget: Any time that the sources of the good reviews quoted in the movie's TV spots are obscure or made too small to read, the movie is garbage.

Also, if the source is somehthing like "FOX TV," then what it really means is "The reviewer from a single Fox affiliate somewhere."
 
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