I remember that joke.

I don't remember that joke. I'm still giggling my ass off.

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shiat, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

Bagelox-99: FTFA: Investigators with the Narcotics Enforcement Team (NET) intercepted a 100 balloon heroin shipment, and during an interview found an additional 70 balloons hidden in a body cavity.

Can the word "interview" be used to describe anything that includes a cavity search?

I don't think it would work very well with this smuggler; every time they'd ask a question, the reply would be drowned out by the echoes...

Skr: "70 balloons hidden in a body cavity. " Kind of a vague location, though how many body cavities can handle 70 balloons hehe.

Skr: "70 balloons hidden in a body cavity. " Kind of a vague location, though how many body cavities can handle 70 balloons hehe.

Well, as Patton Oswalt once said...

The human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. I had four Rubik's cubes jammed up there one day on a bet with Brian Dennehy, when a heroin-crazed Rodney Allen Rippy burst into my trailer and punched me right in the solar plexus. I shiat out all four cubes and damned if they didn't emerge solved.

I remember the joke with two farmers, a pig and a monkey at a county fair -- they woke up in the hospital and tried to remember what happened.

Loki: Many years ago I convinced Thor of the Aesir that the reason for his impotence was that he was pregnant.

Puck: Pregnant?

Loki: Mm. He's not very bright. And I told him to lie face down and naked on his sleeping furs until I came and delivered him of child.

Puck: He listened to you?

Loki: I was disguised as a wandering physician, and as I said he's-

Puck: Not very bright?

Loki: Exactly. So I fed him a gallon of castor oil, painted his arse blue and shoved a cork in his bum-hole.

Puck: Why?

Loki: Because it amused me to do so. I told him it was the cure for his condition. Then I went off to sleep with his wife.

Puck: Hohoh!

Loki: She wasn't much of a lay. But it amused me to know that it would destroy him if ever he found out. So - Thor is lying face down with a cork up his fundament for a week and a day, while his insides continue to rumble their course. And now he's got a pain in his gut like you wouldn't believe, as the pressure continues to build... I'd told him he might experience some pain. That it was common in pregnancy.

Loki: Suddenly, into the room, through an open window, bounds Ratatosk, the squirrel who lives in the branches of the world tree. Ratatosk is curious as any little squirrel. And he's climbing on top of Thor's straining, squirming buttocks, and he - pulls out the cork. THHHHHRRRRRP! It's an explosion - eight days' worth of oiled shiat thunders forth from the fundament of the lord of storms.

Loki: And the mighty Thor sits up, and looks around, and sees Ratatosk on the ground, stunned, gassed, befouled. And slowly, with hands as big as ham hocks, he picks up the little animal, and stares at it. And then, with one ponderous motion, he clasps it to his bosom. 'You're ugly', he says, 'You're hairy, and you're covered in shiat. But you're mine, and I love you!'

Puck: Eeeeeheeehehehehe - oh, oh that's...

/ it's from neil gaiman's sandman
// I farking love this story

Kibbler: The version I heard involved three onion rings, a bottle of horseradish, a Clydesdale horse, a strategic slice of land between Hungary and Yugoslavia that nearly led to war in 1912, and the 1978 Portland Trailblazers.

/yes the rectum *is* elastic

Made me laugh more than the actual joke.

Rectum? Why it nearly kilt'em!

FNG: I remember that joke.

Came here to say this...

Wow, a joke involving both monkeys and poo. My husband will be thoroughly amused.