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(WWDN)   Wil Wheaton beer joke. Coors and Miller surrender   ( divider line
    More: Wheaton  
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16682 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2003 at 9:46 AM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2003-09-27 12:03:56 PM  
Can't we all just get along?

1001 duck-bar jokes

God Bless Google, and it's ability to instantly zero in on duck/bar jokes. Life is Good.
2003-09-27 12:11:05 PM  
Jackanapes: Great Link Doc. Can I put it on my bill?

Aww, you quack me up.

/pressed rimshot
2003-09-27 12:12:33 PM  
doctechnical, I only read about 5 or 6, but those are the lamest jokes ever.
2003-09-27 12:17:26 PM  
Epsilon - hey, given the criteria, have some pity. A duck, a bar... did you expect Shakespeare?

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you" says the bartender... "You're bard!"

/ye olde rimshot
2003-09-27 12:29:31 PM  
A baby seal walks into a club.

Get it? I crack myself up.

/going to heck for sure
2003-09-27 12:33:15 PM  
Here's one of my faves.

A typical texan heres of the drinking prowess of the irish, and decides to investigate for himself. He flies to Ireland, and goes to a small pub, walks in, and makes his offer: "I've got $10,000 for any man who can drink ten pints of Guinness in 10 minutes, I'll be here all night, so go tell your friends." A small guy in the back of the bar gets up, walks up to the texan, and says "I'll be right back." 15 minutes later, the small Irish guy comes back alone, walks up to the bar, and orders the 10 pints. In 9 minutes the ten pints are gone, and the texan is paying him the money, saying "boy, I figured you were gonna go get some big guy to take the challenge, where did you get off to?" The irish guy says "oh no, I just had to go to me other pub and see if I could do it first"
2003-09-27 12:39:00 PM  
Why do people care about a no-talent hack actor whos only really big role was on a cancelled (while kickass) tv show from the last century?
2003-09-27 12:47:09 PM  
A guy moves into a new house and the neighbor, a big, burly guy, comes over. "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'd like to invite you over for a party at my house tonight."

"Wow, that's so nice," the new guy says. "I'd love to come over."

The neighbor says, "I've gotta warn you though, there's gonna be some heavy drinking going on."

"I'm okay with that," says the new guy.

"And there's gonna be some sex going on."

"Uh, okay," says the new guy. "That doesn't bother me.

"And sometimes it gets rough, there might be a fight."

"Well, I'm sure everything will be fine." says the new guy. "Should I dress up?"

"Nah, it don't matter," the neighbor says, "It's just gonna be you and me."
2003-09-27 12:49:24 PM  
Mildly fark related joke:

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

/window seat please
2003-09-27 12:52:12 PM  
One more joke to the pile.
One day there was this old durnk that couldent pay his bill so the bartender thought he should have a little fun with him. "okay, if you whant to clear your dept you go to do three things." says the bartender. "first, you go to the other end of the bar where that big guy is, you got to knock him out with one punch."
"Then you got to go in the back room where I got this old bullbog back there with a bad tooth.You got to go back there and pull it out."
At this point the old drunk give the bartender a confused look an nods in understanding.
" NOw the last thing that you got to do, you see that old lady down there, she aint been with a man ever in her life. You go to go and give her the orgasam of her life. You got me?"
The drunk stands up strait, walks down to the end of the bar and suckerpunches the big guy in the back of the head. Before his body hits the floor he walks to the back room and closes the door. After a few minetes of growling and curseing everything goes quiet in the back room. A few seconds latter the drunk opens the door and walks down to the other end of the bar where the old lady sits.
"Excuse me pretty ladie." He says with a grin. "I heard that you had a tooth that need pullin."

2003-09-27 12:52:48 PM  
What does American beer have in common with sex in a canoe?







They're both farking close to water!
/I know a million bad jokes.
2003-09-27 12:57:45 PM  
I think it's FAR funnier to just tell the punch lines of jokes and not the rest. Example:

So the cabbie turns to the nun and says, "Aw, lady, ain't ya got anything smaller?"
wil [TotalFark]
2003-09-27 12:57:58 PM  
2003-09-27 12:58:29 PM  
Cheri Pi
Re and Peat were doing something.One of their wifes did something and Re told Peat to go have a look.
2003-09-27 01:00:23 PM  
A guy walks into a bar and sees sitting upon the bar a tiny little man, less than a foot high, playing a tiny little piano. He asks the bartender about it, and the bartender tells him that he has a genie that lives in his shirt pocket that grants him wishes. The guy asks to try it out, and the bartender agrees, but warns him that the genie is hard of hearing. So, speaking slowly and loudly, the guys leans towards the bartender's shirt pocket and says "I wish I had a million bucks!". "QUACK, QUACK, QUACK"...the bar fills up with ducks. The guy yells at the bartender about the intolerable situation, and the bartender responds...(wait for it...)

"I warned you the genie was hard of you think I asked for an eight-inch pianist?"
2003-09-27 01:04:05 PM  
See, Big Red? All you really needed was:

"I warned you the genie was hard of you think I asked for an eight-inch pianist?"

gold. mark me, this is the future of comedy. No jokes, just punch lines. Progress!
2003-09-27 01:05:46 PM  
ThatThereFunnyLookingGuy , im using Cogeco
2003-09-27 01:24:55 PM  

The nun on the back of the bike says, "I've never come this way before." The one in the front says, "yes, it's the cobblestones."
2003-09-27 01:43:07 PM  
Punchline: since we're dealing with nuns....

"See dude, I told you you farked a penguin!"
2003-09-27 01:49:47 PM  
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo and reading the newspaper. She gets completely upset.
You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."

--What's the husband doing reading newspapers in the dark ?
2003-09-27 01:52:39 PM  
why do women wear makeup and perfume?

cuz they're ugly and smell bad

2003-09-27 01:57:01 PM  
your mom called me the other day and said she missed me terribly. I thought that was sweet but I called her a fat-ass and hung-up on her.
2003-09-27 01:59:44 PM  
Wil said meh at us.
2003-09-27 02:05:10 PM  
"Because they can!"
2003-09-27 02:06:16 PM  
No "feh" Wil?
2003-09-27 02:08:27 PM  
Haha, this is the best thread in years!

Oke, I'll have a go too:

A skeleton walks in a bar and order a beer and a mob..


A man walks in a bar wit a crocodile. He says: watch this.
He puts its manhood in the mouth of the crocodile and starts hitting the crocodile on its head. He takes out his thing and says: Who wants to try and earn $50?
So an old lady comes up and says: I will, but don't hit me on the head that hard...

2003-09-27 02:36:59 PM  
So two atoms walk out of a bar.
One of the atoms says, "I gotta go back in. I left an electron in there."
The other atom says, "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
2003-09-27 02:49:44 PM  
Not too bad, although it is appearently an old one.
On the flipside, I really hate people who are pretentious about Guiness being the only beer (or pretentious about anything for that matter).
2003-09-27 02:53:53 PM  
Unfortunately even guinness is "dumbing" down their product. I want to go on record that any man who drinks one of those malternitives needs to return his penis...that is all.
2003-09-27 03:19:54 PM  
I just bought some Guiness Extra Stout.

On the front of the bottle: "Imported, traditionally brewed, St. James's Gate Dublin"

On the back of the bottle: "Brewed and bottled by Guiness Brewing Company, Toronto, Canada. Product of Canada."

2003-09-27 03:20:36 PM  
how do you get a dog to stop humping you leg?

you pick him up and suck his dick...

2003-09-27 03:43:54 PM  
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender could tell the guy was upset about something, so he asks him what's wrong.

"Well, last night I got really drunk, and I went home and blew chunks."

"That's not that big of a deal, " says the bartender, "Everyone gets sick from drinking every now and then."

The man replied, "No, you don't understand: my dog's name is Chunks."

wil [TotalFark]
2003-09-27 03:50:51 PM  
weezbo and jeroendehaan hav my two favorite "walked into a bar" jokes of all time.

Any of you farkers ever had Youngs Oatmeal Stout? Or their Double Chocolate Stout?

Now I have to go to the store and buy beer, goddammit.
2003-09-27 03:51:37 PM  
Two guys walk into a bar, one broke his nose.
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one got assaulted.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal, one got pissed off.

Very old.
2003-09-27 04:02:18 PM  
A priest, a homosexual and a pedophile walk into a bar..




...and that was just the first guy!
2003-09-27 04:13:48 PM  
Sometimes my friends and i drink something called "Bully Porter". Not everyone likes dark beer, I love it, there's alotof dark beers out there to be had.

Someday I'll pull that micro-brewery out of the storage, I think the yeast and stuff is pretty much gone though. The Hops is stale. My stainles steel pot is loaned out.

/weeps patheticly
2003-09-27 04:19:48 PM  
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender says "hey buddy, what's with the steering wheel", and the pirate goes "arrrgg, it's drivin me nuts."
2003-09-27 04:22:51 PM  
It should be every farker's duty to be able to spell
2003-09-27 04:25:55 PM  
A biker chick goes to get a tattoo of Elvis on her upper thigh. The artist proceeds and completes it. The biker chick starts to yell and complain that it doesn't look like Presley.

She tells him to do it again on the other thigh and to do it right this time! The artist completes the second one and it comes out perfect.

The biker chick starts to complain again that it doesn't look like the king. As she is standing in the doorway without anything on, a biker passes by. She grabs him and asks him, who do they look like? The biker answers, "I don't know who the two guys on the ends are, but the one in the middle sure looks just like Willie Nelson......"
2003-09-27 04:26:34 PM  
When I grow up, I want to marry Wil Wheaton.

Or be a dinosaur. I haven't decided yet.
2003-09-27 04:45:07 PM  
Yay for Wil ! Young's Double Chocolate Stout is one of my absolute favorites. In fact I'm on my way out to pick up a few pints of that right now.
2003-09-27 05:14:02 PM  
ottis81 that's a classic! (but no ducks or bars here...)
2003-09-27 05:18:08 PM  
Wil said: Any of you farkers ever had Youngs Oatmeal Stout? Or their Double Chocolate Stout?

Double Chocolate Stout? Sounds tasty, I'm going to look for that. What I can't figure out is why most of my loser friends love Coors Light. It's the most godawful stuff I've ever tasted. My Favorite domestic beer is Gordon Biersch Blonde Bock; it's thick, aromatic, slightly sweet, and packing 7.0% alcohol. Very nice.
2003-09-27 05:18:17 PM  

Remind me again why we suck up to this guy around here?

ps: that beer sucks. Massive calories, low alcohol content, and tastes flat. Give me a good german style lager. Make that 6.
2003-09-27 05:19:06 PM  
Oh, my! I have gained approval from Wil!


Seriously, this is my closest brush with fame yet. Unless you count the time I was quoted in a JREF commentary.

You were da bomb in Toy Soldiers, Wil!

So, a ham sandwich walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says "Gimme a beer."
Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
2003-09-27 05:27:09 PM  
Since this has morphed into bar jokes:

Celine Dion walks into a bar. Bartender says, why the long face?

/rimshot needed due to obscure reference to another famous joke.

although I vote for the superman joke as one of my favorite bar jokes ever.
2003-09-27 05:29:50 PM  
Why do you farkers have to pick on Wil? I thought this thread was about beer.
2003-09-27 05:33:49 PM  
Epsilon asks:
Why do you farkers have to pick on Wil? I thought this thread was about beer

Because he gets more mentions here than the president. So he has a blog. Feh. I just hope the residual checks for TNG carry him through his career as a star in midwestern dinner theatre.
2003-09-27 05:36:29 PM  
Because he gets more mentions here than the president.

Intelligence must determine number of mentions around here...

Wil's a cool guy, not just a residual star trek actor.
2003-09-27 05:48:51 PM  
To Bobbybay:
The "error": "Forbidden You don't have permission to access to this document on this server"

Is actually NOT an error, the IP address you are using has been "blocked" from Wil's site.

Usually this is a result of typing a comment that Wil does not like.

/irony On the web site that Wil promotes a link to a "FREE SPEECH" web site. /irony

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