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(Short List)   Steven Seagal becomes deputy sheriff of Texan town to prevent illegal immigration, not stop terrorists from seizing forms of transportation   (shortlist.com ) divider line 138
    More: Fail, Mr Seagal, Texans, illegal immigration, transportation, forms  
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7315 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Oct 2011 at 11:26 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



138 Comments   (+0 »)
   

Archived thread
 
2011-10-17 08:48:44 AM  
"It's like 'Die Hard' on the border!"

Holy shiat, it looks like he's smuggling immigrants under his shirt.
 
2011-10-17 08:53:37 AM  
Maybe Seagal is off to the left of the frame here.

img16.imageshack.us
 
2011-10-17 08:59:59 AM  
How's he going to chase down the illegals? Does he have a reinforced Segway?

/Or maybe they can truck him up a hill and roll him down on them.
 
2011-10-17 09:00:12 AM  
...and he works for Osama bin Laden. That's why the Taliban is so deadly and effective...Hap-kido training. Where'd they learn that? From Steven Segal's fat ass!

/Why do you think Kelly LeBrock left him?!? cause he's Taliban ...
 
2011-10-17 09:20:37 AM  
Waddler, Texas Ranger
 
2011-10-17 09:47:04 AM  
dtdstudios.com

I smell a hit!

/Or is that cake?
 
2011-10-17 10:19:04 AM  
 
2011-10-17 10:49:03 AM  
There go all the donuts.
 
2011-10-17 11:08:17 AM  
Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.
 
2011-10-17 11:25:49 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


I certainly hope not. Obesity is one of the biggest risk factors for morbidity and mortality.
 
2011-10-17 11:26:36 AM  
it looks like he's investigating "Who stole Fidel Castro's wardrobe?"
 
2011-10-17 11:28:04 AM  
Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".
 
2011-10-17 11:30:05 AM  
Huh I'd have expected him to support the illegal immigrants since he tended to help the marginalized parts of society in his films.

Reality sure is different.
/and he got really fat?
 
2011-10-17 11:30:26 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


You're right, I probably weigh half as much as Seagal at this point.
 
2011-10-17 11:30:38 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want


I'm on to you.
 
2011-10-17 11:32:56 AM  

sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".


He's just a cook.
 
2011-10-17 11:33:47 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy:
You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


Holy crap, I'm less than half of him. Did he kill the guy's puppy by eating it?

sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".


Yes, and Ahnold is not really a robot from the future, and Ronnie wasn't a real cowboy (okay, he came closer that the other two). Didn't stop California, and the rest of the US.

We do love our celluloid fantasy heroes.
 
2011-10-17 11:34:09 AM  

Rapmaster2000: sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".

He's just a cook.


A 59 year old cook. You'd think he'd advance to chief cook or something. Or retire at that point, I thought the navy tends to kick out their enlisted men after a certain number of years.
 
2011-10-17 11:34:43 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


3/10
 
2011-10-17 11:35:03 AM  
Mr Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or publicity,' Sheriff West said


That's right one good apple, you're not a lying sack o sh--, the tv cameras are there to check green-cards.


www.shortlist.com

Two fat criminals is all I see.
 
2011-10-17 11:35:22 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


I can believe that (new window)
 
2011-10-17 11:35:36 AM  

macross87: Timmy the Tumor: it looks like he's investigating "Who stole Fidel Castro's wardrobe?"

Looks like he's hiding Castro under there too


I see more of a Kim Jong Il in that look. Might be the overuse of hair gel that is making me see it though.
 
2011-10-17 11:35:44 AM  
And soon her mate responds by singing
Caw Caw Caw
Come with me

Lesbian Seagal

Settle down and rest with me




Rest your big fat head on my broad lesbian shoulders.
 
2011-10-17 11:36:36 AM  

sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".


I think it's commonly accpepted that he exaggerated/lied about training Green Berets to hype his first movie. However, he is/was a legit martial artist with a great deal of skill. He also happens to be a world class d-bag, if the stories about his wives are true.
 
2011-10-17 11:37:15 AM  
Best entertainment possible would be if this publicity stunt runs headlong into a gang armed by the white house's "Fast & Furious" program?



// cheers the team from Mexico.
 
2011-10-17 11:37:32 AM  
I have a friend that is a Texas state trooper there. They think it is funny as well.
 
2011-10-17 11:37:39 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


From the looks of that picture, i'd say I'm only 1/3 the man he is.
 
2011-10-17 11:38:02 AM  
See Steve, sucking Merv Griffins dick really did get you the money and the fame you were looking for...
 
2011-10-17 11:39:00 AM  
When a pickup of illegal immigrants finds itself in the jurisdiction of a border town sheriff whose nationality is not obvious from his facial appearance, confusion in his documentation arises.

Steven Seagal is "Hard to Insure"
 
2011-10-17 11:39:58 AM  
Does he get to keep the cute ones he catches?
 
2011-10-17 11:39:58 AM  
3.bp.blogspot.com

I'd like to make something very clear: I don't have rage. I'm a happy guy. You see this face? This is a happy face. You'll be lucky to be as happy as I am.
 
2011-10-17 11:40:11 AM  
Hands in pockets while taking an oath? Classy.
 
2011-10-17 11:40:15 AM  
Please get this jack-ass out of my state.
 
2011-10-17 11:40:50 AM  

hillbillypharmacist: Of course, just last month he was sued for killing a man's puppy during a raid.

Class act.


First of all, read the farking article.

Secondly, you can sue anybody for anything, doesn't mean he's guilty. Even if he is, BFG it's a dog.
 
2011-10-17 11:42:04 AM  
$20 says he thinks his shirt is tucked in.
 
2011-10-17 11:42:23 AM  
Those guys are in for such a slapping. Have you ever watched a Segal movie? The guy slaps everyone he meets.
 
2011-10-17 11:42:40 AM  
You bailed out a Jamaican street named Monkey the other day, I want him. This other piece of shiat, Screwface, I want him. I know you're a scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fark you up.
 
2011-10-17 11:42:50 AM  
2.bp.blogspot.com

Senator Vernon Trent: You can take that to the bank!



Steve Segal: I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the food bank!
 
2011-10-17 11:43:11 AM  

dothemath: Please get this jack-ass out of my state.


For a fee, I could remove this meddlesome old woman for you.
 
2011-10-17 11:44:13 AM  

1derful: [2.bp.blogspot.com image 320x230]

Senator Vernon Trent: You can take that to the bank!



Steve Segal: I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the food bank!


Is that a recent pic?
Fee just went up for freight reasons.
 
2011-10-17 11:44:43 AM  

Ed Finnerty: [dtdstudios.com image 615x400]

I smell a hit!

/Or is that cake?


And for that, I do believe you are entitled to one of those internet things everyone keeps talking about. I'd TF you if you weren't already.
 
2011-10-17 11:45:19 AM  
Maybe he's just looking to add a few slave girls to his harem.
 
2011-10-17 11:46:00 AM  
www.martialdevelopment.com

Who's hot dog is that, is that yours?
 
2011-10-17 11:47:02 AM  
It's too bad Bruce Lee isn't around to routinely school this guy on both acting and martial arts... along with not being a massive tool while doing both.

Reminding Seagal that he's not the characters he plays on screen would be pretty cool too.
 
2011-10-17 11:48:21 AM  
Damn. Looks like he's got the doughnut-snarfing part down.
 
2011-10-17 11:48:40 AM  

ThisNameSux: First of all, read the farking article.

Secondly, you can sue anybody for anything, doesn't mean he's guilty. Even if he is, BFG it's a dog.


The raid was in response to animal cruelty charges and you're defending him by saying "it was just a stupid dog!"?
 
2011-10-17 11:49:16 AM  

ThisNameSux: Even if he is, BFG it's a dog.


You are a douchebag.
 
2011-10-17 11:49:29 AM  

Orgasmatron138: sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".

I think it's commonly accpepted that he exaggerated/lied about training Green Berets to hype his first movie. However, he is/was a legit martial artist with a great deal of skill. He also happens to be a world class d-bag, if the stories about his wives are true.


The guy has lied about everything from his training, him training other people and about fighting real life gangsters. Most recently he has been claiming that he is training many MMA fighters and is responsible for fighters like Anderson Silva using a kick that normally isn't seen in MMA.
 
2011-10-17 11:50:08 AM  
For those wondering, Hudspeth County is way out in West TX. I was hoping that he would stay Louisiana's problem, but i guess not...

Enjoy eating the dust out there Segal.

Anybody seen Richie?
 
2011-10-17 11:50:10 AM  
I'm sensing a lot of illegal Krispy Kreme raids in the near future.
 
2011-10-17 11:51:30 AM  

ongbok: Most recently he has been claiming that he is training many MMA fighters and is responsible for fighters like Anderson Silva using a kick that normally isn't seen in MMA.


Ah the revolutionary "kick to the chin," a move that Steve developed after years of devoting his life to meditation and study of the martial arts.
 
2011-10-17 11:51:40 AM  

miscreant: ThisNameSux: First of all, read the farking article.

Secondly, you can sue anybody for anything, doesn't mean he's guilty. Even if he is, BFG it's a dog.

The raid was in response to animal cruelty charges and you're defending him by saying "it was just a stupid dog!"?


Hey! They also shot up over 100 cocks, and no one even mentioned them.
 
2011-10-17 11:52:36 AM  
AverageAmericanGuy

Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido
How are your akido heroes doing in the MMA world? Yeah, go back to your AC strip-mall "do-jo" pretend.

and an accomplished musician.

I've heard his music. It's no better than the fake karate videos he put out.
 
2011-10-17 11:52:49 AM  

Orgasmatron138: sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".

I think it's commonly accpepted that he exaggerated/lied about training Green Berets to hype his first movie. However, he is/was a legit martial artist with a great deal of skill. He also happens to be a world class d-bag, if the stories about his wives are true.


He used to try to impress people by telling them he was a spook for the government. I think he said NSA. The NSA says he's full of shiat. He married a woman in Japan to learn martial arts from her dad. Then he left and came back to the US to pursue an acting career and never came back or sent for her or granted her a divorce. He married another woman. He beat her up on a regular basis, according to her. He tried to get the mafia to put a hit on someone on his behalf, because the guy said he didn't believe Seagal's ridiculous stories. He doesn't pay the money he owes people. He makes disgusting remarks to women and expects them to perform sexual favors.

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


I sure as hell hope there aren't too many like him. We'd be living in a society of bullshiatting misanthropes who loved America so much that they moved to Japan and applied for citizenship.
 
2011-10-17 11:53:06 AM  
img408.imageshack.us
 
2011-10-17 11:54:21 AM  
What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?
 
2011-10-17 11:54:39 AM  

domenad: I'm sensing a lot of illegal Krispy Kreme raids in the near future.


This is Texas, they'd be raiding the Shipley's instead.

namegoeshere:
Hey! They also shot up over 100 cocks, and no one even mentioned them.


Because people are so used to cocks being shot around Seagal they didn't notice.
 
2011-10-17 11:55:05 AM  

macross87: Dirty deeds?


No, I just like hurting puppy killers.
 
2011-10-17 11:55:21 AM  

sheilanagig: He used to try to impress people by telling them he was a spook for the government. I think he said NSA. The NSA says he's full of shiat.


I said in yesterday's thread: there is a foolproof way to tell if someone is lying about stuff like this. If they're bragging about it, they've never done it.

Those that do, don't discuss.
 
2011-10-17 11:55:49 AM  

OnlyM3: AverageAmericanGuy

Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido How are your akido heroes doing in the MMA world?


Aikido is a defensive martial art at its core. There's no reason an Aikidoka would want to waste time in that kind of thing.
 
2011-10-17 11:56:17 AM  

ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?


Ooh...linky?
 
2011-10-17 11:57:07 AM  
Get my pies out of the oven!
 
2011-10-17 11:58:05 AM  

ongbok: Orgasmatron138: sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".

I think it's commonly accpepted that he exaggerated/lied about training Green Berets to hype his first movie. However, he is/was a legit martial artist with a great deal of skill. He also happens to be a world class d-bag, if the stories about his wives are true.

The guy has lied about everything from his training, him training other people and about fighting real life gangsters. Most recently he has been claiming that he is training many MMA fighters and is responsible for fighters like Anderson Silva using a kick that normally isn't seen in MMA.


In all fairness those fighters do acknowledge him, and he even accompanies Silva to the octagon now.

I've seen video of him back in the day doing exhibitions. He is/was a legit martial artist. The one story I heard is that he married the daughter of his teacher to gain favor that he wouldn't have otherwise had for being white.

Of course, he ditched her, came to the States, and married Kelly LeBrock while still being married in Japan.
 
2011-10-17 11:58:31 AM  

namegoeshere: ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?

Ooh...linky?


Here
 
2011-10-17 11:59:48 AM  

namegoeshere: ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?

Ooh...linky?


Steven Seagal Sex Slave Scandal (new window)

Ask and you shall receive. This has been going on and reported for years.
 
2011-10-17 12:01:00 PM  

ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?


He needs a re-up.
 
2011-10-17 12:01:01 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


I'd really hope not because I still don't get how guys can sit comfortably with all those dangly appendages in the way.
 
2011-10-17 12:01:14 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


You're right, looking at his circumference I think I'm a little less than half.
 
2011-10-17 12:05:27 PM  

Salt_from_Mars: [img408.imageshack.us image 604x324]


i54.tinypic.com
 
2011-10-17 12:05:41 PM  
hiiii-yaaaaaaaa!!!!!
img802.imageshack.us
still got it.
 
2011-10-17 12:06:06 PM  
I slowly eased my car onto the shoulder, the blue and red lights reflecting into my eyes from the rear-view mirror. It looked like I'd pushed my speed a bit too far over the limit in Hudspeth, Texas. In the mirror, I could see the cop car behind me bounce violently as a portly shape emerged and then began waddling toward my side window. Shiat, busted by Steven Seagal. I'd heard tell he was a lawman in these parts. I couldn't afford another speeding ticket. But something suddenly clicked in my head, something that convenience store clerk had told me earlier that evening. A plan formed in my mind...

The officer stood in front of my window, wheezing faintly, and hiked up his dropping pants. "Lissenzun regisstrun peeze," he said, out of breath after walking the 20 feet between cars. I assumed that meant he wanted my license and registration. I pulled my driving license off the top of the dashboard, where it was wedged underneath the Twinkie I'd set there moments ago.

"Here you go," I said. "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

"Yuze shpeedn," he said. He shined a flashlight on my license, then directed the beam at the Twinkie. The golden snack cake and cellophane wrapper glistened in the light.

"Wuzzat?" he asked.

"Oh, I forgot that was there. I was going to have it as a snack, but I'm not hungry now. Would you like it?"

Almost as soon as I'd said it, a meaty, sweaty arm entered my car, fat sausage fingers wrapping around the Twinkie and snatching it through the window. With a hideous slurp and a rustle of cellophane, it was messily devoured.

"I'm sorry about speeding. I want to be in full compliance. Hopefully, we can take care of that here?"

He burped, ejecting tiny bits of Twinkie filling against the side of the car. He wiped his greasy mouth off on a sleeve and said, "Gottenny ore?" which I assumed to be a query as to whether I possessed more Twinkies.

"Sure," I said. "There's a box on the back seat. You're more than welcome to--"

The car trembled as the back door was yanked open and the Twinkie box removed. There was an orgy of disgusting, wet slurps and crinkling plastic. I was horrified by realization that empty wrappers were nowhere to be seen. Was he eating them cellophane and all? Before I could consider further, he emitted another wet belch and other sounds of gastric distress, flailed at some crumbs and blobs of filling stuck to the front of his uniform, and then said, "Ssokay. Jussawarnin thissime. Yuze free taho. Donspeed nomore." He turned and began waddling back to his car. As I pulled away, watching him pause for a breath near the hood of his car, I realized I owed that convenience store clerk a debt of gratitude. At the time I hadn't understood why he'd insisted I buy some junk food for the drive through the county.
 
2011-10-17 12:07:36 PM  

rebelyell2006: namegoeshere: ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?

Ooh...linky?

Here


Thanks!

sheilanagig: namegoeshere: ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?

Ooh...linky?

Steven Seagal Sex Slave Scandal (new window)

Ask and you shall receive. This has been going on and reported for years.


And, thanks!
 
2011-10-17 12:08:00 PM  

hillbillypharmacist: Of course, just last month he was sued for killing a man's puppy during a raid.

Class act.


Hell. THAT level of cruelty is probably what landed him the job. Texans love acts of cruelty by law "enforcement".
 
2011-10-17 12:08:14 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: I slowly eased my car onto the shoulder, the blue and red lights reflecting into my eyes from the rear-view mirror....


Brilliant work! lmao!
 
2011-10-17 12:08:58 PM  
understanding I have is that small joint techniques, i.e. Aikido are not allowed in MMA.

Same reason we don't have competitive tournaments. Too easy to hurt someone forever.

/could be wrong.
//4th kyu AWA. http://new.aikidoworldalliance.com/
 
2011-10-17 12:10:02 PM  

OnlyM3: How are your akido heroes doing in the MMA world? Yeah, go back to your AC strip-mall "do-jo" pretend.


Err, traditional aikido don't even have physical combat competitions.
 
2011-10-17 12:10:48 PM  
Steven Seagal and the Mob (new window)

This story is even funnier....and sadder.
 
2011-10-17 12:18:11 PM  

MaliFinn: hiiii-yaaaaaaaa!!!!!
[img802.imageshack.us image 400x313]
still got it.


1337!
 
2011-10-17 12:18:12 PM  
img833.imageshack.us
Anyone else notice this?
 
2011-10-17 12:27:03 PM  

johan heggs tiny man nipples: [img833.imageshack.us image 615x330]
Anyone else notice this?


Yep. They shop at the same army surplus store.
img192.imageshack.us
 
2011-10-17 12:28:41 PM  
Note to Texas..

Once you've bought a prize, it's yours to keep...

//Good luck and godspeed...
 
2011-10-17 12:30:03 PM  
I'm sure his dog-shooting skills will be of great use.

/Christ...
/What the hell is wrong with right-winger celebs?
 
2011-10-17 12:34:38 PM  
boy! that ex Master Chief of the Navy SEALs sure have put on a LOT of pounds since rescuing USS Missouri from the hands of feared nuclear terrorist Gary Busey.
 
2011-10-17 12:35:11 PM  

johan heggs tiny man nipples: [img833.imageshack.us image 615x330]
Anyone else notice this?


i51.tinypic.com
 
2011-10-17 12:35:24 PM  

angrydoc: understanding I have is that small joint techniques, i.e. Aikido are not allowed in MMA.

Same reason we don't have competitive tournaments. Too easy to hurt someone forever.

/could be wrong.
//4th kyu AWA. http://new.aikidoworldalliance.com/


Aikido isn't all small joint is it? I thought they did many of the same chokes, leg and arm bars that are used in Judo/Jujitso.

I wiould think it is just as easy to hurt someone with Judo/Jujitso, and they are fine with tournaments.
 
2011-10-17 12:35:52 PM  

namegoeshere: ShawnDoc: What happened to the sex slave lawsuit against him?

Ooh...linky?


http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/36446224/ns/today-entertainment/t/seaga l -sued-allegedly-keeping-sex-slaves/
 
2011-10-17 12:36:57 PM  

angrydoc: understanding I have is that small joint techniques, i.e. Aikido are not allowed in MMA.

Same reason we don't have competitive tournaments. Too easy to hurt someone forever.

/could be wrong.
//4th kyu AWA. http://new.aikidoworldalliance.com/


It also wouldn't be very entertaining to your average MMA fan. Watching someone faceplow and toss their opponent into a cage repeatedly probably isn't as entertaining to the masses as striking arts. Most people get bored watching grappling/judo/jujitsu matches.

I agree though, I think you would ruin peoples shoulders and wrists in a single match if you were to slap on an Aikido belt.
 
2011-10-17 12:40:47 PM  
how is this 'fail'? oh yeah, this is fark
 
2011-10-17 12:41:23 PM  

metallion: Note to Texas..

Once you've bought a prize, it's yours to keep...

//Good luck and godspeed...


judging by all the fires and lack of rain in Texas, I can only come to one of two possibilities:

A. There is no God
2. He doesnt care about Texas.
 
2011-10-17 12:49:02 PM  
"YOU get out the CAR! YOU get on the GROUND!"

/"Chinese Star!"
 
2011-10-17 12:54:37 PM  

sheilanagig: Wait until they find out he's a world-class bullshiatter who lies about his job history and qualifications, in other words, "an actor".


Eh? He's been operating as a police officer for some time now, border patrol work isn't particularly complex by comparison. I'd say he's plenty qualified for this particular job.

//Certainly better than wasting our time with movies where he demonstrates he can't act, since he's too old for really good stunt-work. Or, god help us, trying to start up his band again.

cbackous:
judging by all the fires and lack of rain in Texas, I can only come to one of two possibilities:

A. There is no God
2. He doesnt care about Texas.


So God has hated California every year for a decade? I mean, I guess that doesn't really undermine your argument, since that sounds right.
 
2011-10-17 12:58:41 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


2/10

No... on second thought... 0/10.
 
2011-10-17 01:02:25 PM  

Jim_Callahan: Eh? He's been operating as a police officer for some time now, border patrol work isn't particularly complex by comparison. I'd say he's plenty qualified for this particular job.


Yeah he has been operating as a cop, on TV. Have you ever seen his show? When they show him showing up to cuff somebody it looks like the other cops have had the guy subdued for about 10-15 minutes before he shows up out of breath and sweating to slap the cuffs on and make some stupid statement.
 
2011-10-17 01:10:47 PM  

RockofAges: http://www.topnews.in/light/jean-claude-van-damme,-steven-seagal-near l y-came-blows-90s:-sylvester-stallone-26014

"Action heroes Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal nearly came to fist-fighting once in the late Nineties to prove who was more tough, says fellow star Sylvester Stallone.

The 'Rocky Balboa' star has even revealed that he hosted a party in 1997 to settle the row over who was stronger between Van Damme and Seagal.

"At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard," Contactmusic quoted him as saying.

"Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again," he added.

Though the fight did not ensue the altercation between the two stars, Stallone is sure that Seagal would fall deficient had the brawl taken place.

"Van Damme was too strong. Seagal wanted none of it," Stallone said. (ANI)"

--=-=-=-

I do like Seagal's earlier movies (I am an 80's action / martial arts movie fan) up till about Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. I'd still rather watch Bloodsport than anything Seagal has ever done.

This story still rocks though.


Van Damme is a ballerina. Game over.
 
2011-10-17 01:10:48 PM  

johan heggs tiny man nipples: [img833.imageshack.us image 615x330]
Anyone else notice this?


I came in to say at least we know that both have the same tailor.

/well done, Sir.
 
2011-10-17 01:18:11 PM  

dothemath: Please get this jack-ass out of my state.


THIS !!!
 
2011-10-17 01:19:49 PM  

xen0blue: how is this 'fail'? oh yeah, this is fark


The fail is anyone believing that Seagal is still a world class badass, himself included.
 
2011-10-17 01:21:31 PM  
The world is getting weirder. Darker every single day. Things spinning around faster and faster, and threatening to go awry. Falcons and falconeers. The center cannot hold.
But in my corner of the country, I'm trying to nail things down. I don't want to live in Holder's jungle, even if it is devouring him. I don't want to live in a world where the strong rule and the weak cower. I'd rather make a world where things are a little quieter. Where criminals stay the hell in the shadows and where illegals don't come swooping in to steal jobs from hard working americans. Where sex slaves know thier limits and producers mind their p's and q's.
My name is Steven Frederic Seagal. Conjure by it at your own risk.When things get strange, when movies need that additional bump of stiffness, when Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't suck enough, when no one else will be there, give my agent a call.
He's in the book.
 
2011-10-17 01:22:41 PM  

cbackous: RockofAges: http://www.topnews.in/light/jean-claude-van-damme,-steven-seagal-near l y-came-blows-90s:-sylvester-stallone-26014

"Action heroes Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal nearly came to fist-fighting once in the late Nineties to prove who was more tough, says fellow star Sylvester Stallone.

The 'Rocky Balboa' star has even revealed that he hosted a party in 1997 to settle the row over who was stronger between Van Damme and Seagal.

"At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard," Contactmusic quoted him as saying.

"Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again," he added.

Though the fight did not ensue the altercation between the two stars, Stallone is sure that Seagal would fall deficient had the brawl taken place.

"Van Damme was too strong. Seagal wanted none of it," Stallone said. (ANI)"

--=-=-=-

I do like Seagal's earlier movies (I am an 80's action / martial arts movie fan) up till about Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. I'd still rather watch Bloodsport than anything Seagal has ever done.

This story still rocks though.

Van Damme is a ballerina. Game over.


LOL Seagal was afraid of a ballerina then
 
2011-10-17 01:29:36 PM  
It's great to see that he is just as fine an American as he is an actor!
 
2011-10-17 01:31:21 PM  

Crotchrocket Slim: The 'Rocky Balboa' star has even revealed that he hosted a party in 1997 to settle the row over who was stronger between Van Damme and Seagal.

"At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard," Contactmusic quoted him as saying.

"Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again," he added.



For the love of all that is holy, will someone just film this as a movie?
 
2011-10-17 01:44:11 PM  
www.shortlist.com

Look at him, he's obviously got his fingers crossed in his pocket!
 
2011-10-17 01:49:28 PM  

Awesome T-Shirt: [www.shortlist.com image 615x330]

Look at him, he's obviously got his fingers crossed in his pocket!


Or playing pocket pool. Now that his sex slave ring has been exposed he has been relegated to playing pocket pool.
 
2011-10-17 01:51:42 PM  

Awesome T-Shirt: [www.shortlist.com image 615x330]

Look at him, he's obviously got his fingers crossed in his pocket!


Hah, he´s ferreting around for any spare M&Ms he´s left in there. Or baby back ribs.
 
2011-10-17 01:59:10 PM  
I will watch it only if a topless chick jumps out of a cake.
 
2011-10-17 01:59:24 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


And yet this is still a slap in the face to those of us who believe in Rule of Law and not Rule of Whatever Amuses Us The Most...

/Jeeze, today's just Bad News Day or something.
 
2011-10-17 02:14:53 PM  
The reality show he definately should be on is "The Biggest Loser".
www.shortlist.com
He should also be on one about fat people trying to lose weight also.
 
2011-10-17 02:22:24 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


The reason I am half the man that Steven Seagall is can be attributed to when I started going to the gym and quit eating triple cheeseburgers 3 times a day.

He probably is just doing it for the doughnuts.

/ Just make him chase you around for a few minutes until he is winded, then kick him in the kneecaps
 
2011-10-17 02:23:59 PM  
Grappler Gene Lebell choked Seagal out and made him piss himself. This was back in '91 before Seagal was a land whale. Old Stevie wouldn't last 60 seconds against any moderately skilled ground fighter.

www.bullshido.net
 
2011-10-17 02:24:18 PM  

cbackous: RockofAges: http://www.topnews.in/light/jean-claude-van-damme,-steven-seagal-near l y-came-blows-90s:-sylvester-stallone-26014

"Action heroes Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal nearly came to fist-fighting once in the late Nineties to prove who was more tough, says fellow star Sylvester Stallone.

The 'Rocky Balboa' star has even revealed that he hosted a party in 1997 to settle the row over who was stronger between Van Damme and Seagal.

"At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard," Contactmusic quoted him as saying.

"Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again," he added.

Though the fight did not ensue the altercation between the two stars, Stallone is sure that Seagal would fall deficient had the brawl taken place.

"Van Damme was too strong. Seagal wanted none of it," Stallone said. (ANI)"

--=-=-=-

I do like Seagal's earlier movies (I am an 80's action / martial arts movie fan) up till about Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. I'd still rather watch Bloodsport than anything Seagal has ever done.

This story still rocks though.

Van Damme is a ballerina. Game over.


www.achievement.org

AND he has done MMA.

Game on!
 
2011-10-17 02:24:27 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: I slowly eased my car onto the shoulder, the blue and red lights reflecting into my eyes from the rear-view mirror. It looked like I'd pushed my speed a bit too far over the limit in Hudspeth, Texas. In the mirror, I could see the cop car behind me bounce violently as a portly shape emerged and then began waddling toward my side window. Shiat, busted by Steven Seagal. I'd heard tell he was a lawman in these parts. I couldn't afford another speeding ticket. But something suddenly clicked in my head, something that convenience store clerk had told me earlier that evening. A plan formed in my mind...

The officer stood in front of my window, wheezing faintly, and hiked up his dropping pants. "Lissenzun regisstrun peeze," he said, out of breath after walking the 20 feet between cars. I assumed that meant he wanted my license and registration. I pulled my driving license off the top of the dashboard, where it was wedged underneath the Twinkie I'd set there moments ago.

"Here you go," I said. "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

"Yuze shpeedn," he said. He shined a flashlight on my license, then directed the beam at the Twinkie. The golden snack cake and cellophane wrapper glistened in the light.

"Wuzzat?" he asked.

"Oh, I forgot that was there. I was going to have it as a snack, but I'm not hungry now. Would you like it?"

Almost as soon as I'd said it, a meaty, sweaty arm entered my car, fat sausage fingers wrapping around the Twinkie and snatching it through the window. With a hideous slurp and a rustle of cellophane, it was messily devoured.

"I'm sorry about speeding. I want to be in full compliance. Hopefully, we can take care of that here?"

He burped, ejecting tiny bits of Twinkie filling against the side of the car. He wiped his greasy mouth off on a sleeve and said, "Gottenny ore?" which I assumed to be a query as to whether I possessed more Twinkies.

"Sure," I said. "There's a box on the back seat. You're more than welcome to--"

The car trembled as the back door was yanked open and the Twinkie box removed. There was an orgy of disgusting, wet slurps and crinkling plastic. I was horrified by realization that empty wrappers were nowhere to be seen. Was he eating them cellophane and all? Before I could consider further, he emitted another wet belch and other sounds of gastric distress, flailed at some crumbs and blobs of filling stuck to the front of his uniform, and then said, "Ssokay. Jussawarnin thissime. Yuze free taho. Donspeed nomore." He turned and began waddling back to his car. As I pulled away, watching him pause for a breath near the hood of his car, I realized I owed that convenience store clerk a debt of gratitude. At the time I hadn't understood why he'd insisted I buy some junk food for the drive through the county.


thank YOU1 very funny!
 
2011-10-17 02:25:09 PM  

heavymetal: The reality show he definately should be on is "The Biggest Loser".
[www.shortlist.com image 615x330]
He should also be on one about fat people trying to lose weight also.


Hey buddy, it's "looser" around these parts.
 
2011-10-17 02:30:50 PM  

Jake Havechek: You bailed out a Jamaican street named Monkey the other day, I want him. This other piece of shiat, Screwface, I want him. I know you're a scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fark you up.


Nasty blood clot!


Was thinking of this movie just this morning.
 
2011-10-17 02:39:56 PM  
Funny anecdote time

When they were filming Fire Down Below some of the scenes took place in Hazard/Jackson,Ky. Apparently Mr.Seagal was overheard biatching to someone on the phone about $25,000 a week not being enough to live on there.

Lulz considering for the locals making $25,000 a year would be a godsend,yes I grew up there. From that I would assume he had a hell of a drug habit,it'd also make sense as to why he suddenly got very fat if he quit.

/As I said anecdote so I don't know if it's true or not
//But I do know that according to IMBD Fire Down Below flopping was the reason Warner Bros. let Seagal out of his contract.
 
2011-10-17 02:43:52 PM  
I find it amusing he now actually looks like Will Sasso who used to parody him on Mad TV.

Link (new window)

Link (new window)

Et al.
 
2011-10-17 02:56:01 PM  

topcon: I find it amusing he now actually looks like Will Sasso who used to parody him on Mad TV.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're done.
 
2011-10-17 03:01:47 PM  

topcon: I find it amusing he now actually looks like Will Sasso who used to parody him on Mad TV.

Link (new window)

Link (new window)

Et al.


Didn't Sasso lose a lot of weight though?

Sadness was watching the Sass on that show with the Shat knowing he'd never whip out his Kirk either.
 
2011-10-17 03:25:28 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.



Who also used to pay protection money to the mob, real tough guy there.
 
2011-10-17 03:35:23 PM  
"Local tough guy and all around tool now being paid to act that way"
 
2011-10-17 03:38:19 PM  
I remember back in the early days of his movies, a cousin of mine that was into body building would claim that unlike other action stars you could tell that Seagal must have had a lousy physique because you never saw him take off his shirt in any of his movies, or wear anything that would show off that alleged physique like many other action stars would do.
 
2011-10-17 03:42:14 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: johan heggs tiny man nipples: [img833.imageshack.us image 615x330]
Anyone else notice this?

[i51.tinypic.com image 577x466]


Bahahahahaha!
 
2011-10-17 03:49:06 PM  
174.120.103.90
 
2011-10-17 03:59:20 PM  

Latinwolf: I remember back in the early days of his movies, a cousin of mine that was into body building would claim that unlike other action stars you could tell that Seagal must have had a lousy physique because you never saw him take off his shirt in any of his movies, or wear anything that would show off that alleged physique like many other action stars would do.


In movies, there is a tendancy toward "if ya gots it, flaunt it". He's always looked a little doughy, but his weird charisma made up for it. At least for a while.
 
2011-10-17 04:27:27 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: johan heggs tiny man nipples: [img833.imageshack.us image 615x330]
Anyone else notice this?


LOL!!!!
 
2011-10-17 04:29:33 PM  
Yet another thing for Steven Seagal to fark up.

cdn.wg.uproxx.com
 
2011-10-17 05:05:26 PM  

fireclown: Latinwolf: I remember back in the early days of his movies, a cousin of mine that was into body building would claim that unlike other action stars you could tell that Seagal must have had a lousy physique because you never saw him take off his shirt in any of his movies, or wear anything that would show off that alleged physique like many other action stars would do.

In movies, there is a tendancy toward "if ya gots it, flaunt it". He's always looked a little doughy, but his weird charisma made up for it. At least for a while.


Fortunately for us, that also applies to actresses.
 
2011-10-17 05:25:28 PM  

fireclown: Latinwolf: I remember back in the early days of his movies, a cousin of mine that was into body building would claim that unlike other action stars you could tell that Seagal must have had a lousy physique because you never saw him take off his shirt in any of his movies, or wear anything that would show off that alleged physique like many other action stars would do.

In movies, there is a tendancy toward "if ya gots it, flaunt it". He's always looked a little doughy, but his weird charisma made up for it. At least for a while.


To be fair I quite enjoyed the first Under Siege, though he was playing a washed up cook (who just happened to kick a lot of ass) in it.
 
2011-10-17 05:38:58 PM  

Crotchrocket Slim: fireclown: Latinwolf: I remember back in the early days of his movies, a cousin of mine that was into body building would claim that unlike other action stars you could tell that Seagal must have had a lousy physique because you never saw him take off his shirt in any of his movies, or wear anything that would show off that alleged physique like many other action stars would do.

In movies, there is a tendancy toward "if ya gots it, flaunt it". He's always looked a little doughy, but his weird charisma made up for it. At least for a while.

To be fair I quite enjoyed the first Under Siege, though he was playing a washed up cook (who just happened to kick a lot of ass) in it.


What made Under Siege great wasn't the martial arts(though the Tommy Lee Jones knife fight was kinda good), it was the bad guys and the premise.
 
2011-10-17 05:51:03 PM  
4.bp.blogspot.com

www.takedownfightmedia.com

2.bp.blogspot.com

Dont mezz wit da Seagulll


/seriously...
//he won't kick your ass
///his friends will
 
2011-10-17 07:43:20 PM  
all this and no toupee jokes yet?
 
2011-10-17 08:02:36 PM  

Crotchrocket Slim: topcon: I find it amusing he now actually looks like Will Sasso who used to parody him on Mad TV.

Link (new window)

Link (new window)

Et al.

Didn't Sasso lose a lot of weight though?

Sadness was watching the Sass on that show with the Shat knowing he'd never whip out his Kirk either.


Yeah, he lost a lot weight some point later in his tenure on the show. That guy was great on there.
 
2011-10-17 08:48:28 PM  
Steven Seagal: Tea Bagger of Justice. And little jelly donuts

i.imgur.com
 
2011-10-17 09:18:50 PM  
Someone that far along in pregnancy should probably take off from strenuous work.
 
2011-10-17 09:34:21 PM  
I think the FAIL tag was for the poor citizens of this town who have to put up with Seagal's douchebaggery and that of the sheriff who hired him.
 
2011-10-18 12:09:37 PM  

Whiskey Dickens: Hands in pockets while taking an oath? Classy.


no kidding, it's apparent how interested in this job he is.

thank god he seems to have moved on from jefferson parish.
 
2011-10-18 12:21:00 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Make fun all you want. Seagal is a genuine black belt in Aikido and an accomplished musician.

He doesn't have to risk his life doing these things. He has plenty of money from his very successful movies. He does it because he has a deep abiding love for America and the rule of law.

You guys wouldn't be half the man Seagal is.


He's just setting up his next reality show.

/puppykiller
 
2011-10-18 12:47:50 PM  
- Also -

THIS THREAD IS SO FULL OF WIN!!!
 
2011-10-18 10:10:35 PM  

Whiskey Dickens: Hands in pockets while taking an oath? Classy.


Came here to say this.

Great accomplishments do not erase the weird that is Seagal. I saw him on tv pimping his daughter here in Japan, he's got his Japanese schtick down pat. What an ego monster.
 
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