Perhaps I can help by inventing some sort of death clock

"Gesundheit!"

/anyone see my galaxy tablet/tablets?

I'm pretty sure the moral of this story was not to eat or inject into your body the brains of old people, yes? Well, fark 'em; I'm not changing my weekend plans.

Contagious as in you get it from your kids?

Note to self: Do not ingest diseased brains. BRAAAAAIIINSSSSS

Here's the last 10 years of Fark greenlights--in chronological order--related to Alzheimer's (also searched on Alzheimers).* The bolds track treatment hype and prevention recommendations. Why? It's a seismographic record of promises, setbacks, losses and endurance.

2001

101 Things to do with someone suffering from Alzheimer's
Dodgy car dealer sells seven cars to Alzheimer's man in 29 days

2002

The Alzheimer's Association Web Page. Check out the Sept. 11 ribbon on the top left
New Alzheimers treatment: send patients back in time
Brain scans allow you to know you have Alzheimer's while you're still coherent enough to despair about it

2003

Advil may cure Alzheimer's if you can remember how to open the little bottle
Mind games help ward off Alzheimer's. Still no cure for... oh wait, this one's all good
You can ward off Alzheimer's by ... uh, by.... you can, um. Alzheimer's. By uh ...
Thousands participate in Alzheimer's fundraiser walk. In other news, thousands participate in Alzheimer's fundraiser walk
Docs find gene that blocks Alzheimer's, even remember where they put it

2004

Drug stops both athlete's foot and Alzheimer's
Pittsburgh substance tracks Alzheimer's progress. Researchers trying to remember where they put it
Delta Airlines loses Alzheimer's patient at the Atlanta Airport
Steve Martin defense works for Alzheimer's patient: "Your Honor, I forgot it was against the law to shoplift"
James Doohan, Scotty from the original Star Trek series, diagnosed with Alzheimer's, makes final public appearance and level-three diagnostic
Jesse Ventura feels your pain, will not vote in November. "If I vote for John Kerry, I'm going to get my taxes raised. If [Bush is] waiting for God to cure Alzheimer's, then we are going to be waiting a long time"
Guy wandering in the forest shocked to discover cure for Alzheimers. Guy wandering in the forest shocked to discover cure for Alzheimers
For 29 years two brothers have been sending the same card to each other, further proof Alzheimer's has its advantages

2005

Marijuana may protect against plaque that causes Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately, that plaque just gets replaced with bong resin
Music store manager convinces Alzheimer's patient that she will play the organ better after she buys nine of them
Researchers create new brain cells from stem cells drawn from living adults, sparking hope for effective treatments for devastating illnesses like Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and watching American Idol
Scientists develop Alzheimer's early-warning test. You meant to submit this yesterday with a funnier headline, you think

2006

MoMA gives tours for Alzheimer's sufferers; cruelly just keeps taking them back and forth between same two paintings
Liz Taylor says as far as she recalls, she's never had Alzheimer's disease
Alzheimer's vaccine 'promising'. Now if we could only remember where we put it
Study finds "senior moments," such as forgetting what you just said, may really be a sign of Alzheimer's after all. Study finds "senior moments" may really be a sign of Alzheimer's. Here comes... something
Aaron Spelling causes of death: Alzheimer's dementia, a 123-room house
Skin patch can help Alzheimer's patients, but fortunately there's a skin patch that can help
Scientists develop once-a-day pill to "cure" Alzheimer's. However, its true effectiveness is only measured by what happens when patient takes it 17 times a day
New Alzheimer's drug has interesting side effect -- when combined with atropine, offers immunity from nerve gases such as sarin and soman
Scientists discover molecular janitors that could aid in finding a cure for Alzheimer's due to the discovery of molecular janitors
Scientists are developing a skin test that can detect Alzheimer's. In other news, scientists are developing a skin test that can detect Alzheimer's
Cannabis may halt the progression of Alzheimer's. Let's be honest here folks; what's worse: having Alzheimer's or being a dirty hippy?
Link between marijuana and Alzheimer's Disease found. Or something...I forget...so, who wants Sonic?
Drinking fruit and vegetable juices may help reduce Alzheimer's risk by drinking fruit and vegetable juices
Cleveland ranks No. 1 in NFL fan loyalty, Alzheimer's
Drinking red wine may help prevent Alzheimer's. Then again, how can you tell a drunk and an Alzheimer's patient apart?
Good news for those suffering from Alzheimer's and/or dementia -- they now offer electronic tracking devices just in case you get lost
Marijuana may help keep Alzheimer's at bay. If that fails, though, there's always reefer
Red wine could reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer's, getting cockblocked by hot chick's friend with good personality
Institute called 'Nice' refuses to release dementia drugs to Alzheimer's patients
Today's potential cure for Alzheimer's comes from Washington University School of Medicine, where scientists have found an enzyme capable of selectively destroying Alzheimer's plaques, which had been previously thought indestructible
Nursing assistant puts pillow over the face of 85-year-old Alzheimer's patient as a practical joke. Hilarity does not ensue
Remember when your mom said that fish was brain food? Turns out she may be right... eating fish significantly lowers risk of dementia and Alzheimer's disease
Scientists tackle Alzheimer's puzzle, which is difficult because they keep forgetting what the puzzle is supposed to look like when put together
NIH expert on Alzheimer's forgot to report conflict of interest. Well, duh

2007

Herpes might cause Alzheimer's. Did you hear? Herpes might cause Alzheimer's. Who are you?
Researchers develop patch to deliver vaccine for Alzheimer's. In other news, researchers develop patch to deliver vaccine for Alzheimer's
Mistrial declared when defense attorney suffers onset of Alzheimer's in mid-closing argument
"Breast augmentation is cosmetic but these cells have the potential to treat diseases ranging from cancer to Alzheimer's"
Darwin's Origin of Species once had a preface, but the Origin of Alzheimers intervened
Cafe gives Alzheimer's patients safe place to gather. In other news, cafe gives Alzheimer's patients safe place to gather, which reminds me of this cafe where
Sony announces that the PS3 will be enhanced to join a supercomputing network researching causes of cancer, Alzheimer's and other incurable diseases. Still no cure for overpriced game consoles
Over 5 million Americans have absolutely no idea they are living with Alzheimers. No, Lady, I'm not your grandson. No, I don't want any Nilla wafers. Matlock was cancelled
Alzheimer's association president upset with Larry King for saying he would retire if he developed Alzheimer's. Can't they just forgive and forget?
Reversing Alzheimer's memory loss may be possible. In fact, reversing Alzheimer's memory loss may be possible
Jay Leno tries to smooth over feud with George Lopez by pulling him aside at event. Difficulty: it was Paul Rodriguez instead. "He's either getting Alzheimer's or he's gone so Hollywood he doesn't remember his friends"
Heavy snoring may lead to Alzheimer's, sleeping alone
New anti-smoking drug could also treat alcoholism, gambling and painkiller addictions, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, AIDS, cancer, acne, herpes, anorexia, and halitosis. It also tastes like candy and makes your farts smell like cinnamon buns
New "tag and release" program for Alzheimer's patients. When their population numbers are up, hunting licenses will be issued
Alzheimer's Disease could be a third form of, uh... dentures or something
Actual headline: "Can a nun cure Alzheimers?" Article's answer: "No"
Alzheimer's memory loss fastest among well educated. And they lose their memories faster, too
"It's almost a no-brainer" comments police chief on the use of tracking devices to locate Alzheimers sufferers. Good choice of words there, chief
Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is happy her husband has a new woman. He has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember her, so she's happy he's happy
The annual list of worst book titles. The winner: "Cooking with Pooh." Runners up include: "Everything You'll Need to Remember About Alzheimer's"
Good: Terry Pratchett isn't dead. Bad: He has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers

2008

Researchers claim that infra-red light helmet may be key in treating Alzheimer's. More details as soon as they can figure out where the hell their test subjects wandered off to
Remember that Darth Vader-esque infrared helmet that could treat Alzheimer's? Yeah, maybe not so much
It turns out that Alzheimer's patients and vegetarian zombies need the same thing: GRAAAIIINNS
If both of your parents have Alzheimer's, chances are you just forgot what you were doing
Cannabis may help Alzheimer's patients. Don't bogart that whatchamacallit
10 million Baby Boomers face Alzheimer's. In other news, report predicts that 10 million Baby Boomers face Alzheimer's
Terry Pratchett talks about the embuggerance that is living with Alzheimers and his "violently coherent fury that made the Miltonic Lucifer's rage against Heaven seem a bit miffed by comparison" on hearing the diagnosis
Alzheimer's vaccine doesn't... doesn't... um....something
Maker of Alzheimer's drug changes its name and hopes people will forget that the FDA said it was useless
Drinking and smoking give you Alzheimer's, new research reveals. No one complains as 99 percent of the time they are drinking to forget anyway
Dentist who continued practicing despite suffering from Alzheimer's is to have her license revoked. Patients say they feel sorry for her but sometimes the tooth hurts
Nursing home stops Alzheimer's patients from escaping. Fark: By installing a fake bus stop for them to wait at
Bestselling fantasy author and avowed atheist Terry Pratchett, who recently revealed he was suffering from Alzheimer's, has hinted that he has found God but forgot where he put Him
Wyeth shares rise on promising study of Alzheimer's drug. Wyeth shares rise on promising study of Alzheimer's drug
Scientists identify Alzheimer's gene. It's the one that doesn't recognize the other genes
Tomatoes that aren't busy giving you salmonella could vaccinate you against Alzheimer's disease
Exercise amps up Alzheimer's brain. Bonus: You lose count and wind up doing three times as many jumping jacks as you intended
Mayo Clinic says early indicators of Alzheimer's are more common than previously thought. Also finds that early indicators of Alzheimer's are more common than previously thought
Cindy McCain's half-sister dies from Alzheimer's
Just because your husband has Alzheimer's, and you have Power of Attorney, doesn't mean you can change his vote in the election
Researchers have linked fast food consumption to Alzheimer's Disease. In Mice
Um... er... ah... oh. Peter Falk suffering from Alzheimer's and dementia. Would have been diagnosed sooner, but they thought he was still acting
Blood sugar linked to Alzheimer's. Sex and Magick still being researched
Moderate alcohol may cut Alzheimer's risk...or excessive alcohol may make you not give a damn

2009

Headline: Alzheimer's drugs doubles death risk. Apparently your risk of death is now 200%
Drinking coffee reduces risk of Alzheimer's. Also, drinking coffee reduces risk of Alzheimer's
Canada's Alzheimer's Society acknowledges that: "At this time, we do not yet know what causes Alzheimer's disease or how to stop its progression." Therefore, it must be space aliens
Alzheimer's sci-fi author Terry Pratchett testing anti-Alzheimer's helmet (w/ pic)
Missouri authorities gamble that playing cards featuring missing persons will let inmates help them solve cold cases. My pair of Missing White Girls beats your full house of wandering Alzheimer's patients
Florida, California, Florida, and California top nation in Alzheimer's cases
Study finds that a Mediterranean-style menu may cypress the effects of Alzheimer's, though the evidence is not concrete and it won't make the disease go away cold turkey
Children of Alzheimer's sufferers are two to three times more likely to have memory problems. Also, children of Alzheimer's sufferers are two to three times more likely to have memory problems
New research suggests that patients with Alzheimer's can improve their memory by listening to their favourite songs. They just need to find someone who remembers what they were first
Studies find link between Type 2 diabetes and Alzheimer's, explaining why Wilford Brimley has been making the same commercial for 10 years
Floridians testify before Congress for Alzheimer's solution, want to remember why they moved to Florida
Florida jailed man with Alzheimer's and brain cancer 32 years after his prison escape. Compassionate sunshine justice
Is Alzheimer's Disease in your future? New tool may help you make pancakes
Researchers learning more about how Alzheimers causes memory loss. What a cool article. I should submit that to Fark when I get home
Scientists develop GPS shoes to keep Alzheimers patients from wandering off and getting lost. Because Alzheimers patients never, ever take off their shoes
Ruthless record label owner Allen Klein, famous for stormy relationships with Beatles and Rolling Stones over recording rights, dead of Alzheimers at 77. Celebrity, yes or no?
Scientists find that giving mice the caffeine equivalent of 5 cups of coffee restores memory loss resulting from Alzheimer's, and is hilarious to watch
Good language skills in your youth may stave off Alzheimer's later. Good news for us people who have a way with words, not so much for those of you who...um...not have way, I guess
Voters don't care that Sarah Palin quit. Still no cure for Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's gene may impair middle-aged memory, may also impair middle-aged memory
Battling Alzheimer's, Terry Pratchett calls for right-to-die laws: "'I intend, before the endgame looms, to die sitting in a chair in my own garden with a glass of brandy in my hand and Thomas Tallis on the iPod"
Every cloud has a silver lining: Alzheimers patients don't remember who Britney Spears is
Couple who stole home from Alzheimers Patient preparing for an experience they'll never forget
Good news: Researchers identify factor that reduces cancer risk. Bad news: It's Alzheimer's. Good news: Researchers identify factor that reduces Alzheimer's risk. Bad news: It's cancer

2010

Mobile phone radiation protects mice from Alzheimer's. Now if we could just get them to stop driving while texting
New eye test can identify Alzheimer's, replicants
Loss of smell could be early sign of Alzheimer's. I SAID LOSS OF SMELL COULD BE EARLY SIGN OF ALZHEIMER'S
Loss of smell could be early sign of Alzheimer's. I SAID LOSS OF SMELL COULD BE EARLY SIGN OF ALZHEIMER'S
US Senator Shelby (R-ALzheimer's) releases blanket hold on 70 of President Obama's appointees after getting some attention, hugs
McCain's anti DADT letter includes signatures of dead guys and generals who never signed it, there's even a one that was put there by the wife of a guy who was already dead and had Alzheimer's for the six years prior
Not only is driving with early Alzheimer's ill-advised, studies now show it might also be ill-advised as well
Old and busted: NIMBY response to sex offenders. New hotness: Alzheimer's patients? Not in my neighborhood
Researchers discover weak link in Alzheimer's drug candidates, promptly forgot what it was
Study finds self-test for Alzheimer's surprisingly effective. Still no cure for ... something
All of those drugs, supplements, and lifestyle changes that have been touted as preventing Alzheimer's? Forget about 'em
Caffeine may slow Alzheimer's disease, speed up everything else
"Paterson police in search of missing 83-year-old woman may have Alzheimer's." Great, and they let these guys carry guns?
Having five cups of coffee per day may help prevent Alzheimer's disease
Having five cups of coffee per day may help prevent Alzheimer's disease
Study shows that Spinal Tap is almost 11/11 in predicting Alzheimer's disease in patients
Nuns donate their brains to Alzheimer's research in an attempt to show the disease's causes not genetically black and white, but may also be influenced by habits
Don't forget, today is world Alzheimer's day
Don't forget, today is World Alzheimer's Day
Gene linked to rapid Alzheimer's onset, but he can't remember why
Worried it's Alzheimer's? Eight symptoms to watch for. Not mentioned: Submitting the same link over and over to Fark
Worried it's Alzheimer's? 8 Symptoms to watch for. Not mentioned: Submitting the same link over and over to Fark
New evidence indicates Alzheimer's disease is infectious. At least it's not infectious
Twenty five percent of the country has Alzheimer's. I wonder what percentage of the country has Alzheimer's
Don't forget, cholesterol may help fight Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's Association sponsors "Boomer Express" Rose Bowl parade float, except they can't remember where they parked it

2011

New approach to Alzheimer's care gives patients chocolate, bacon and booze. "For god's sake, if you like bacon, you can have bacon here"
New study says elderly adults with tooth loss more likely to get dementia, Alzheimer's, jobs at Wal-Mart
There's a reason why the 70-year-old Alzheimer's patient couldn't remember the last time she had a decent meal
Speaking two languages may delay getting Alzheimer's. You finally have an excuse for learning Klingon
If your mother has Alzheimer's, you run a greater risk of getting it yourself
If your mother has Alzheimer's, you run a greater risk of getting it yourself
Study points to liver, not brain, as origin of Alzheimer's plaques
Possibly armed missing Alzheimer's patient may have a gun and is missing
Scientists discover five new genetic triggers for Alzheimer's. Only 3 are useable since researchers have already forgotten the other two
Patent troll files lawsuit demanding payments for cure for alzheimers research, pancakes, and hen fap
Cold sores linked with Alzheimer's disease. At least cold sores aren't linked to Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's linked to hearing loss. I SAID WHO AM I?
Mice exposed to "freeway air" show signs of brain damage, including memory loss, Alzheimer's disease, and the inability to signal before swerving into adjoining lanes
Brain shrinkage may predict Alzheimer's. It may also predict Alzheimer's. And there is even a possibility that it could predict Alzheimer's
New guidelines could double Alzheimer's cases. In other news, new guidelines could double Alzheimer's cases
Researchers may have found a way to give us Alzheimer's disease on demand. Wait, what?
Promising new Alzheimer's drug goes for major clinical trial, patients divided into three groups: test group, control group, and "forgot to take my pills" group
Congratulations, you've kept AIDS at bay for decades. As a reward, please enjoy early-onset Alzheimer's, heart disease and cancer
Alzheimer's damage may begin at a young age and could begin at a young age
Beer prevents heart disease, and now there's more evidence that coffee prevents Alzheimer's. Submitter is off solid foods completely at this point
Cinnamon may help prevent Alzheimer's, says study funded by grant from Applesauce Industry Board
Alzheimer's screening recommended for everyone over 60 should be screened for Alzheimer's
Retailers should start screening customers for Alzheimer's. And for Alzheimer's, too
Inherited Alzheimer's is now detectable 20 years before dementia, meaning you've got decades to think of the hell you're going to forget
South Korean scientists create glowing dog to help cure Alzheimer's. Might help sufferers remember which one their dog is, at least
Good news: There's a new way to prevent Alzheimer's. Bad news: There's a new way to prevent Alzheimer's. Neutral news: Exercise
Diets high in sodium may dull the mind and increase the risk of Alzheimer's, but doctors suggest you take these warnings with a grain of salt
A letter from people with Alzheimer's to President Obama: This potato is following me, maybe I should run around my neighborhood naked, Do you have any cottage in your fridge?
Pat Robertson: "You can divorce your wife if she has Alzheimers, it's allowed in the Bible. You know, in the footnotes"
"A Sexologist Weighs in on Pat Robertson and Alzheimer's" or "Reaction to The Pat Robertson Comments are now officially played out"
Today is World Alzheimer's Action Day
Today is World Alzheimer's Action Day
Today is World Alzheimer's Action Day

*Yes, I have insomnia. Why do you ask?

My mother's father had it so I'm glad my mom really likes coffee but still worried. I have to wonder though if people that are partially/completely missing their corpus callosum are more or less at risk for Alzheimer's though. My mother has a large portion of hers missing so she's odd anyways,I couldn't imagine her having Alzheimer's.

My grampa (on dad's side) has Alzheimer's. It's pretty brutal. He's been in a special care facility for the last year. It used to be that he would space out or get easily confused but still have some moments of lucidity, but over the last few months even that is gone. We were talking about it the other day, half-guiltily, wishing he had cancer or a history of heart disease or something that might end him soon. Unfortunately, other than the Alzheimer's he's in perfect health. The man who was my grandfather is long gone, but his body could easily be around for another 5-10 years. It's sad.

/not looking forward to when those genes kick in, for me or my dad.

Crudbucket: My grampa (on dad's side) has Alzheimer's. It's pretty brutal. He's been in a special care facility for the last year. It used to be that he would space out or get easily confused but still have some moments of lucidity, but over the last few months even that is gone. We were talking about it the other day, half-guiltily, wishing he had cancer or a history of heart disease or something that might end him soon. Unfortunately, other than the Alzheimer's he's in perfect health. The man who was my grandfather is long gone, but his body could easily be around for another 5-10 years. It's sad.

/not looking forward to when those genes kick in, for me or my dad.

Well at least you dont have a loved family member that suffers from Alzheimers.

/I like pancakes

I joke about everything except Alzheimer's. That scares the shiat out of me.

p4p3rm4t3: Uncle Wiggly: Here's the last 10 years of Fark greenlights--in chronological order--related to Alzheimer's (also searched on Alzheimers).* .............................................

Are you a wizard?

yes ... obsessus compusus! And your garage is organized!