Hey everybody, here are Fark's favorite headlines from this week. We're getting toward the end of the year and so we'll soon have the Headline of the Year contest.

There's a voting thread today in Totalfark for May 2011 headlines, so those of you with TF can help shape the end-of-year contest today.

Cheers.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-09-25 to Sat 2011-10-01:

  Parking TIFF settled. The Joint Parking Experts Group are glad to get over this BMP in the road and make a clean exif    

  Creator of Doritos dead at 97 of nachoral causes    

  Happy Birthday Johnny Appleseed. Most seed ever spread around the mid west by one man, until the formation of the NBA    

  Romulus police officers investigated for corruption. Chairman Koval assures citizens the Tal Shiar will investigate the matter thoroughly    

  Rebel alliance using Thai fighters to attack civilian targets    

  Pope Benedict denies rumors of retiring due to his age, says he feels like a kid    

  Dogs make great workout partners, according to experts who rarely use the bench press    

  Alabama to enforce the strictest immigration laws in the nation, puzzling experts who can't find anybody willing to immigrate to Alabama    

  Tropical storm Ophelia expected to strengthen to hurricane, really screw with hamlets all along the eastern seaboard    

  Man found dead in Twin Peaks hotel. Siht si eht gnitiaw moor. Dulow uoy ekil emos eeffoc? Emos fo ruoy sdneirf era ereh    

  Mexico proposes issuing temporary marriage licenses so couples can opt out if they eventually decide they don't want the Juan they're with    


Sports:

  Tiger Woods gets third new caddie. Well ... the fourth if you count the Escalade    

  After difficult loss, football coach makes team bus stop at a cemetery and makes players lie down on graves as a motivational tool. Corpses proceed to beat JV team 13-7    

  MLB scoring, home runs drop to two-decade low. In other news, MLB head size back to normal    


Geek:

  New college program offers free classes to teach socially awkward engineering students how to intercourse with humans, perhaps leading to seeing actual 5318008    

  The perfect underground house for post apocalyptic living is located in a remote area of Saskatchewan, and no the Apocalypse hasn't started yet--that's just Saskatchewan    

  DARPA holds symposium with top scientists in an attempt to close the gap between current technology and a future that involves banging sexy, half-naked green women    


Entertainment:

  Kim Kardashian is already having marital problems with Kris Humphries. Apparently, he's ignorant of her involvement with the Obsidian Order    

  Study finds that there are fewer gay characters on TV, though 60% of the decline can be attributed to Will & Grace's cancellation    

  Scarlett Johansson speaks out to block the nude photos of her that you already have on your hard drive    


Politics:

  Chris Christie's non-candidate speech took 26 minutes. He would have kept going, but he really, really needed to get to the gym    

  Young American Jews break with parents and support UN recognition of Palestinian state. Worse, they never call    

  Newt Gingrich: "Gay marriage is a temporary aberration that will dissipate." So it'll wind up just like his marriage, then    


Business:

  Google becomes a teenager today. Unconfirmed reports suggest search results will result in "can't be bothered" and "whatever"    

  News of the World reporter claims he was fired because he just couldn't hack it    

  Samsung proposes a settlement to Apple's lawsuit. Sources claim the offer is somewhere in the neighborhood of "jack shiat and go fark yourself"    
· · ·