Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Fark)   Tell your best/worst divorce story. In other news, Fox is looking for divorcees for a new reality show to compete for prizes to replace what was lost during the divorce. They're reading. Voting enabled   ( divider line
    More: Survey  
•       •       •

3624 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Sep 2003 at 4:42 PM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

437 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Newest | Show all

2003-09-23 06:35:58 PM  
Bestest revenge of all: living good while your ex rots. I couldn't have planned it better for the hell that biotch put me through.

Absolutely. My ex wife is currently serving a life sentence for stabbing a 79 year old man with no legs - in a wheelchair, I might add - multiple times - and ten stealing his wallet, cashing one of his checks, and returning to the house only to stab him a few more times for fun. It seems that he didn't want to give her the 200 bucks he had promised her for masturbating in front of him.

2003-09-23 06:36:34 PM  
downstairs: "Dr. Pepper, a taste of orginality....."
2003-09-23 06:37:48 PM  
Dad and Mom divorced in '78.

Dad married a sadistic micromanager who put locks on the fridge and cupboards, liked home enemas (for us) and kept a list of things we did wrong all day so Dad could spank us for all of them when he came home. And Dad became a tv evangelist.

Mom became a welfare-abusing trailer park slut, got married alot and bottomed out with a toothless convicted rapist who liked to call us and tell us he was going to kill us all. Eventually it got too raw even for her and she tried to dump him. He took her hostage, raped her a bit and she had to be rescued by a swat team.

Looooooove, American style...

/curls up on floor next to Ghastly and bums a swig.
2003-09-23 06:38:40 PM  
biatch left me for some immature irresponsible 20 yo at her job. after i took care of her in the hospital when she needed me most. took half my cash, half my furniture and the cat. she is telling lies to everyone about what happened to make it look like my fault, when in fact i had no idea that she was unhappy. oh well. at least i got rid of that psycho biatch. she turned out to be just like her mother.
2003-09-23 06:40:41 PM  
My grandparents who have been married for 40something years spontaneously filed for divorce last month, not sharing their reasons with the rest of the family. Fox would probably get a kick out of this one, seeing as they like to exploit situtations like that.
2003-09-23 06:46:33 PM  
With everyone saying bring back Family Guy, Do you think they actually will?
2003-09-23 06:46:38 PM  
Ok, I'm not divorced, but for the mere chance of being on the gameshow I'm willing to:

1) sleep with as many playboy models as Fox will supply.

2) beat my wife in an attempt to get her to divorce me. Beat her at air-hockey, gin rummy, muggle quidditch(tm), and horking for distance.

3) drive over an international border with 5 billion in bearer bonds. Sporting a pink tshirt and a off-white suit pants and top. 2 days unshaven, no more, no less.

4) trash talk about her behind her back to gossipy friends. Stuff like "she made me a real good dinner last night." and "guess who got lucky last night? I did - beat her at yatzee 4 times straight!"

5) point out her clothes don't seem to fit anymore. Of course she's pregant, so that goes without saying.

So what do I win? huh huh huh???
2003-09-23 06:47:25 PM  
I don't care about any of the stuff, I just want my wife back. I don't care anymore that she fooled around. I miss her every day.

Something about that post that really got me...

Man... this whole thread is severely depressing.
2003-09-23 06:49:23 PM  
I'd been mulling it over for a while... I finally came home one night from my job working at Wells Fargo Armoured.. I very quietly proceeded to cook dinner. After cleaning up I simply dropped the divorce papers in front of her and walked out and went to a bar.

It's what I get for marrying Lazy, White, Redneck, Baptist Trailer Trash...

Suffice to say, my second marriage has been much better....
2003-09-23 06:50:30 PM  
After reading these stories, I am heartsick for all of you.

As soon as I get home, I'm gonna remind my wife of how much she means to me, and spend the evening playing with my boys.


Let these people heal. Focus on what got you here. (cool scifi, irreverent humor,etc.). There is no real profit in hurting people. There is no amount of money that will compensate for breaking their heart again. This sideshow/reality thing is getting out of hand. Between the voyeuristic presentation and the desensitization of the reality "topics", you are contributing to the destruction of our national ideals.

The first night that Fire Fly was off the air, my family was watching whatever show was in it's time slot. I was absolutely shocked to see two women kissing each other in a hot tub. I'm no prude, but I hate to explain things like that to my 10 year old son. What you choose to show is certainly your business. What you choose to show in "prime time" should be less disconcerting to a child.

Maybe I'm an idiot for thinking that Fire Fly was family entertainment, but for my family, it was.

You succeeded initially because you were different. Be different again; don't do this reality crap. Stand up.
2003-09-23 06:52:31 PM  
i know you guys think the reality shows are the dumbest things in the world ( I totally agree) but, think of it from FOX's perspective

1. They cost near nothing, no scripts, no actors, few camera men, and just a handful of crew members

2. Sitcoms cost thousands, sometimes even hundreds of thousands of dollars for each episode, whilst reality only cost a few grand per, if even that

3. Ratings match those of sitcoms

Reality shows = cash cow
2003-09-23 06:52:35 PM  
Ok, this is by far the best I've ever heard.

This guy, we'll call him Bill, is a Television executive. He marries this 30 something biatch on the fast track party circuit. They are married for around 10 years. I'm sure she knew every trick in the book and probably kept him very happy in bed.

They divorce because by now, no pussy is worth the hell that she is. Now understand that she is probably getting $100k a year in child support and alimony.

So what he does is this. Each and every time he gets his balls busted in some meeting, or has a bad day, or has a good day, it really doesn't matter, he calls his secretary in and fires off a letter to her attornies. Of course they have to read it. What they usually are, are rantings about what a low life slut she is, with very explicit details about her sexual abilities.

The nice part is they charge her for their time. He fires off two or three of these a week. Her lawyer bills are running close to $10K a month as I understand it.

He is in a word my hero.
2003-09-23 06:55:10 PM  
I lost everything but my puter and Fark. Life is good being single.
/end fap
2003-09-23 06:55:28 PM  
"The way it should have been"

I'd been mulling it over for a while... I finally came home one night from my job working at Wells Fargo Armoured.. I very quietly proceeded to cook dinner. After cleaning up I simply walked up behind her and smacked her over the head with a frying pan. I then proceeded to drag her now lifeless body and gleefully throw her in the bathtub. After using a saw to break up most of her into chunks, I then poured several bags of lye over her body and covered the tub with a tarp and let sit serveral days..After her body was gone, I proceeded to wash any DNA evidence down the drain with drano. I lived happily ever after...
2003-09-23 06:55:57 PM  
Dear God,
May I please have my rib back?
Thanking you in advance,
2003-09-23 06:57:52 PM  
I'll end my ban on fox if they put Futurama back on

2003-09-23 06:58:11 PM  
I went on a date with a girl once whose parents' divorce was so abysmally bad that it went in Maryland law textbooks as an example of how terribly things can go. She was literaly double-take hot, but a virgin at 24 because she was so mentally fuxed by the whole thing.

I don't know all the details, but i do know the divorce started when she was like 9, but neither of her parents would move out of the house because they figured whoever left would probably not get custody of the kids, so they just stayed in different rooms and hated each other. It lasted something like 7-8 years, she and her younger sister had to go to court several times to testify about the current state of things, and who they wanted to have custody. Both parents would date other people and constantly fight and bicker and use the kids against each other.

A terrible terrible way to grow up. Too bad too, she was smokin' hot.
2003-09-23 07:00:13 PM  
What a sweet, sweet person you are to actually feel compassion for others pain, you are to be commended for your stance. Your wife and your boys are very lucky indeed to have you.

IF I could have a chance at rearranging my Ex's family jewels as I described in my earlier post it would be the most beneficial healing I could ever ask for.

2003-09-23 07:01:08 PM  

and then,


I don't care about Family Guy or Firefly or The Tick or any of the other shows mentioned, but bring them back as well to displace some of the "reality" crap.
2003-09-23 07:02:12 PM  
When the divorce fails to strip you of your dignity, FOX comes to the rescue!!!
2003-09-23 07:06:44 PM  
I hate all these damn reality shows! They're just as annoying and stupid in the hundreth show as on the first!

/typical asshat farker commenter
2003-09-23 07:07:08 PM  
Breaking up with a girlfriend...

Yes, this happened a long time ago, no it's not a divorce, but justice was served....

I had been staying at my Girlfriends house off an on and I had gotten off work early and decided to take her out for a nice dinner. Well as the typical story goes, I walked in on her riding another guy. (No I wasn't turned on). I walked in on them both and simply said, "Hello", and grabbed all my stuff and walked out... She followed behind me down the stairs and begged me to stay...She did this for an entire week, trying to get my mom to talk me into talking to her.... I finally gave in and said I would meet her for dinner.

On the way to dinner a plan started forming. I told her at dinner the only way she would get me back was to seduce her sister...(Her sister was bi, cute and a biatch). She relectantly agreed.... So a couple of days later we all end up in bed together. For about 5 hours,I banged her sister and watched her go down on her sister and her sister go down on her... I managed to take several pictures. (Some of which I still have today)

Well, her sister had to get to work and left, my girlfriend sat there more than a little disturbed with the sheet pulled up over her. I had just finished getting dressed, walked up to her like I was going to kiss her... I spit in her face, called her a "Whore!" and walked out.

Several days later, her parents, grand parents, and friends all recieved copied of the pictures I took. Her parents kicked her out of the house, she was mentally messed up from doing her own sister, and I laughed and laughed and laughed....Do I regret it? Nope... I got my cookies off, and I had my revenge... what more could a guy ask for...

Even my wife finds the whole thing funny as shiat!
2003-09-23 07:07:39 PM  
a couple close to our family is getting divorced, The lady the other night went crazy, had a few glasses of wine half a bottle of vodka, had lots of pills lined up as well as towel to stuff under the garage door when she was gonna suffocate herself. My parents talked her out of it kinda, she went to the hospital.

Today I found out, she's coming to live with us for a week or so, ain't that just grand?
2003-09-23 07:09:15 PM  
I went through a pretty typical divorce (we both thought the other one was the bad guy and were blind to our own stupidity and asshatted-ness) a few years back. I got a small financial shafting, she got an emotional one when all of our "mutual friends" wrote her off as a bad mistake in my life.

I was pretty bitter for a while, but since then I have found that in my situation we were both morons and shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I wish her happiness in her new life.

The best thing that happened out of the divorce is that I boned the paralegal at my lawyers office the day I got my final papers.

I feel for those of you who got royally screwed over. My advice to those who arent married, either don't do it or if you have your heart set on it make sure that the other person is what you are looking for not just looking at.
2003-09-23 07:10:41 PM  
Liz Taylor should host this farking fiasco!
2003-09-23 07:10:56 PM  
The question to ask is: What is this show REALLY about? How do they twist the knife in the hearts of these poor fools once they've got them on camera?
2003-09-23 07:10:58 PM  
2003-09-23 07:07:08 PM God--
Dam dude, if that story was true, you live up to your name on so many levels.
2003-09-23 07:12:27 PM  
Not my story, but I hate it none the less...

Man likes hookup sex and is in and out of affairs.

Man gives woman STDs (thankfully, not HIV. However, there are plenty of things a man can get when even using a condom. (As a result, woman is barren and has chances for cervical cancer now, them having found polyps. They're contemplating a hysterectomy)

Man goes kind of psycho when wife confronts him.

next day, brings gun home, tries to shoot wife close range but she gets it away and holds him at bay while calling 911.

He's plead insanity, they found child porn et al, he's in for quite a while.

She gets stuff, but she also gets debts he was hiding from her to tune of middle 5 digits.

She's afraid to be intimate with a man again not only because of this but because of the incurable diseases. And he could theoretically come out in a couple of years.

and you would have never expected it from the guy.
2003-09-23 07:14:19 PM  
2003-09-23 07:07:08 PM God--

I'm not proud, I'll be the first to ask - POST THOSE PICS! POST THOSE PICS! (imagine how far over the edge it would push her if she knew the photos were being fapped to on FARK!)
2003-09-23 07:17:40 PM  
attorney...I see here you have a six dollar charge from the "Marlin" (A bar here) Me....I like to have a margarita once every couple of months. I do not see what is wrong with that. neither damn let the man have a drink. six friggin years of this!11
2003-09-23 07:19:17 PM  
Oh gawd, not another farking reality show.

More Peter (Griffin) please. And Bender, too. Who can't love a scamp who wants to kill all humans?
2003-09-23 07:19:57 PM  
No divorce story, happily married for almost 2 years now (to my high school sweetheart) with son, dog, a mortgage and a boat load of debt. How about you support THAT Fox??

Oh and while you are reading this...PUT HOUSE OF BUGGIN with John Leguizamo and IN LIVING COLOR on DVD!!
2003-09-23 07:21:21 PM  
1. This thread is so disturbing on so many levels.

2. Thanks farkers, I don't feel so bad about myself now reading what some of you actually think flys for treating another human.
2003-09-23 07:21:23 PM  
Yea, show the pics!!

ABout marriage, I don't see the sense in it. The only way I would ever get married is specifically for the purpose of having kids and raising them in a stable household. Other than that, I would never marry a woman no matter how much I loved her or how hot she is.
2003-09-23 07:22:37 PM  
Here's the e-mail I just sent to "­a­skfo­x­[nospam-﹫-backwards]cni­xof­*c­o­m" (It's the only e-mail address at fox I could find...)

Dear Fox executive,

You have GOT to be farking kidding!

Just when I thought the Fox network couldn't sink any lower, you're going to create a reality series based on the misery caused by divorce? And you're seeking the most entertaining divorce stories!? Please tell me this is a joke!

Why not a reality show about pre-teen rape victims? (The cutest 9 year old with the most rectal bleeding gets the million dollars!) Perhaps a reality show where we follow a group of cancer victims as they die... The last one living wins all the dead one's belongings!

Instead of attempting to profit from people's misery (while entertaining the lowest of America's low-brow) why not do what many who have abandoned your network want... The return of Family Guy and Futurama?

Perhaps it's time Fox began aiming it's sights a little higher than America's trailer parks...


2003-09-23 07:24:05 PM  
Why in the world would you want to make a "reality" show about divorce? Anyway, I thought they already did - it was called Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, or some such crap.

fark YOU FOX!
2003-09-23 07:27:08 PM  
No more reality shows please.

On that note. Happily married for 8.5 years. 2 kids. Of course there's no reward for that. That's too boring in this day and age.
2003-09-23 07:27:35 PM  
I've got great stories, but not within the 5 year period. And some were fiancees, not wives. How about the "fiancee of causes" who left me for a bull dyke in San Francisco because she woke up one day and decided she was gay? How about my 23 year old fiancee in Las Vegas that shut down my thriving jewelry business when I was out of town working trade shows in Chicago? She sold everything! The fiancee who slashed her wrists when we broke up? Sex. Money. Drug and alcohol addiction! Exciting stuff! I loved em all-

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Fox blows-
2003-09-23 07:29:06 PM  
Anyone who didn't like Andy Richter is pretty lame.
2003-09-23 07:31:37 PM  
re: The only way I would ever get married is specifically for the purpose of having kids and raising them in a stable household.

being married doesn't automatically give you the skills to raise a child properly.

anyone that gets married cuz it's "pc" is doomed.
2003-09-23 07:31:40 PM  
The story of the end of my marriage (well, the final chapter isn't written because the divorce isn't finished yet) is bizarre (and kinda funny . . . now), but not for public consumption. I'm just posting to balance out the bitterness quotient.

During the first months of a now lengthy separation, you couldn't call it even close to amicable. 10 years down the tubes and a ruined family for my two very young sons created some vitriol. At some point, though, common sense got through to the both of us and we ended all the crazy shiat so that the kids could experience a childhood that, while not quite perfect or ideal, was a real childhood untainted by adult problems. I've paid through the nose by not jamming the divorce through as soon as possible, but she's returned the favor by not interfering with my relationship with the kids in any way (half the week they're with me) and by staying out of my personal life. Now we have an amicable relationship and two sons who are as well-adjusted as possible (under any circumstances).

The best revenge is none on someone you used to love. Suck it up and take the high road even in bad weather. You'll value that choice for years to come.
2003-09-23 07:35:07 PM  
My girlfriend dumped me because she said the world is ending and she needs time to clense her soul. I tried asking her when it was going to happen. She wouldn't tell me... I could pretend I was divorced then I could be on the show. Then they could give me a million dollars when it's over, or at least hook me up with a hottie while I was there.
2003-09-23 07:35:15 PM  
why watch Fox when you can rent or buy the Futurama DVDs.

screw commercial television.
2003-09-23 07:36:09 PM  
Fark FOX. Long live Cartoon Network and Adult Swim!!!!
2003-09-23 07:36:35 PM  
er, I mean cleanse her soul
2003-09-23 07:37:03 PM  
Not only only did they get total backlash, but fox actually PAID to have this posted.

suck on that, murdoch.
2003-09-23 07:40:53 PM  
Man, if you'd lied just a little bit and said that was your wife,'d'a definitely been on the show...

still might...;)

*dingdingdingding gets my vote*
2003-09-23 07:44:45 PM  

I concur wholeheartedly. There would have to be an immense therapeutic value.

One word of advice:

Don't waste the chance. Fix it to where he has to sit down to pee for a while.
2003-09-23 07:46:00 PM  
Everyone who talked shiat on FOX gets put into the Fark Bannination Generator...

2003-09-23 07:48:30 PM  
Girl business owner marries boy. Girl recommends boy for national position with her companies largest manufacturer, effectively making boy in charge of product distribution for her company. Boy has affair with ugly Finnish maid from bed and breakfast. Boy becomes engaged to ugly Finnish maid from bed and breakfast. Boy charges engagement ring on girls AmEx card. Girl files for divorce, boy refuses service of divorce papers, moves out of house. Girl buys ticket to boys wedding in Finland. Boy finds out, empties *all* bank accounts - checking, savings, retirement (including girls corporate company account) and cancels all credit cards. Boys employer stops shipping products to girls goverment customers AND withholds payments due girl of over $75,000. Boy files quicky-divorce papers in Nevada claiming no marital assets and forges girls signature on papers. Girl goes a little nuts for a while but eventually realizes that she's much better off without him. Oh, boy divorces ugly Finnish maid less than two years later. The end. :-)
Displayed 50 of 437 comments

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Newest | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.