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(Fark)   Tell your best/worst divorce story. In other news, Fox is looking for divorcees for a new reality show to compete for prizes to replace what was lost during the divorce. They're reading. Voting enabled   ( divider line
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3624 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Sep 2003 at 4:42 PM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2003-09-23 05:23:29 PM  
Fox actually cancelled Futurama so that it could air this sort of crap? I'm outraged.
2003-09-23 05:24:06 PM  
How about you put the show Lucky on Fox? Seeing as you cancelled it off FX.
2003-09-23 05:24:07 PM  
Fox is reading this? Seriously? Okay, here goes:

Me and my "life partner", who is an older Australian gentleman (initials RM) are going through a messy seperation. First told me he was breaking it off because his wife (really his beard) is gettin suspicious.

Then he calls me up crying that he couldn't lie, and that he was leaving me for another man, who happens to work as a "personality" for one of his TV stations (initial BO'R). He said that the guy was completely nuts, but that it was this rebelliousness that attracted him. Plus there apparently was "The Awsome Buttsex Factor" involved.

/A vote for me is a vote for a reality show in which Fox executives are forced to eat their own shiat
2003-09-23 05:24:21 PM  
I'll give you mine so you can laugh at me. I was married to the queen of ice princess's for 13 years. Once did a stretch of 21 months without bumping uglies. Yeah, I could crush a coconut with one hand back then.

One day she decides that she isn't fullfilled and starts going out nights to "find herself". Eventually decides that at 36 years old, she didn't party enough prior to getting married and wants to move out.

Biatch moves out on our 13th anniversary (although she still bought herself a $200 anniversary present for herself). I pay for half of her new appliances. She "suddenly" starts dating a guy she works with (and talked about all the time)

After 5 months my foggy head had cleared and I realized I'd never been happier.

**dramatic twist** Ice queen decides she "made a mistak and wants to come back", or "she was just testing me and I failed". Either way, I tell her to take a hike and proceed to find and eventually marry the coolest person I've ever known.

Since, bitter Ice-queen chooses to battle over every detail of our kid's lives.

What I've lost? Nothing, I'm happier than ever, but I would give the world if I could get my kids out of her life of perpetual hatred and guilt.
2003-09-23 05:25:34 PM  
Ok, here goes:

Married my first and only boyfriend when I was 19, that spring we had a little girl. For the next 5 1/2 years we did college full time(he's an actor, i'm a writer)and graduated the same semester. I went to grad school first, because, well... I got in. He applied repeatedly and never was accepted.

We moved a thousand miles away to Ohio. I did grad school for two years and took care of the house and our daughter. His only responsibility was to work for a cable company.

Finally I graduate and get a pretty nice little full time teaching situation. He finally gets invited to this summer school in Harvard and so I pay the 3000 tuition for him to go for 6 weeks.

When he comes back, he had fallen in love with his acting partner. We were "trying to work it out" for a couple weeks but then I find out he's sleeping with her behind my back. Took our daughter to meet her, kissed and cuddled with her in front of the kid. He also had sex with her in my bed.

So, the day before school started for my first full time teaching position, he leaves me takes the car that was paid for, all the living room furniture, the kitchen table and chairs, the computer and desk and leaves me with over $2000 worth of bills every month when my salary paid $1700.

I get the divorce papers and arrange to fill them out with him. He hesitates and asks me if I really want to do that. I ask what he thinks we should do. His suggestion: separate for a couple years while he lives with her and if it doesn't work out between them, he and I can give it another try. (I swear to God.)

I tell him no in several ways and he leaves, moves in with the girlfriend. He's not allowed to give me money for our kid without consulting her. They decide that they need to attend the Moscow Arts School. (They were never formally accepted, they just went showed up.) They sell most of our posessions, including some stuff that belonged to our daughter, to fund their trip to Moscow where they live today (attending grad school supposedly). He also decided at one point that he wanted to take the kid with him. They flew out of NYC exactly 1 week after the 9/11 attacks. I get $50 a month to raise our kid on (better than nothing) and she hasn't seen her father in over a year.

I'm sure this isn't even remotely the worst story out there, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
2003-09-23 05:25:35 PM  
How about a Battle Royale scenario where we send all these network executives off to an island and the last one standing gets to come back and be a network executive?
2003-09-23 05:26:48 PM  
Fox is reading? Great! Here's my step-by-step instructions of how to make your network better.

1) Ditch reality shows unless there is a real chance of someone dying a painful death or being able to see un-pixelated boobies.

2) Shoot David E. Kelly next time he walks into the building. This will help your network and the world as a whole.

3) Triple the number of Simpsons episodes created in a season. I want to watch at least one new episode every week of the year.

4) Bring back the X-Files the way they were before moving production to LA. Pay David, Gillian and Chris whatever they want.
2003-09-23 05:27:06 PM  
Bring back Family Guy and Futurama. And put an end to The Simpsons already. That show hasn't been funny in 3 years.
2003-09-23 05:27:18 PM  
I was married in Las Vegas so to this day I'm not certain that our marriage is legal. It has something to do with the little golf pencils and the please take a number sign.

My parents on the other hand, they should've gotten a divorce when I was about 10 so say 1985. They waited "for the kids" ie me being the youngest to get out of the house. Well things were looking good for the divorce then my brother dies in a car accident, they stay together most unhappily for another 3 years. They finially got divorced in 1999 but they still talk to each other just live in different houses. Makes me think that maybe they shouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place. Neither one of them dates and they still rely on each other to do things for one another. It's really weird, I know they are still retarded for each other they just don't live together.

Fox buy my parents a house.

Fox more importantly, bring back FAMILY GUY
2003-09-23 05:29:24 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-09-23 05:29:52 PM  
Never married (at 19, I'd be worried myself, if I had).

But I do have a history of weird breakups. There was the one I dumped at 14 cause he almost backhanded me, then there was the asshat who later became a rapist. Then there was the one who found out he had HIV and promptly broke up with me- much drama ensuing. Then there was the one who decided that if he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me after 4 months of dating, that being with me was a waste of time, leaving me trying to figure out where this marriage shiat came from.

My godfather divorced his wife several years ago and married a woman 13 years younger than him who claims to fear for my soul (staunch Catholic that she is) and tries really hard to assert to the rest of the family (who are all much older than she is) that she really is a grown up by treating those of us who are adults as well like we're 5.

Then there are my grandparents, both divorced and remarried. My grandfather was an exceedingly conservative Marine, and my grandmother was a pot smoking, affair having, flaky drama queen. Then there's the youngest aunt on my dad's side who is on husband number 4 (because getting married for the first time at 16 is just a bad idea). My other aunt on my dad's side who married a Moroccan and had a kid with him and almost went with him to Morocco till the rest of the family talked her out of it, informing her that women are property over there.

And now my mom is threatening to divorce my dad if I don't leave the house, and he's not even back from war yet (but he will be Saturday!!!!).

In conclusion:

Yes, I've left the house.
Damn, my life is weird.
2003-09-23 05:30:43 PM  
My husband of 6 years disappeared without a trace.

It was three days after the Loma Prieta earthquake in the Bay Area. The day after, while the aftershocks were still every few minutes, we (he and I) cleaned up the initial mess (I lived near the epicenter and our house was destroyed and uninhabitable) locked up the house as best we could and I left to stay with my best friend out of state for a few days. I needed to make the insurance calls necessary and get things in order while he stayed with his brother (happily, you'll know why later). A few days later while I was in Missouri, I got a call from my mom saying he hadn't been home for a couple of days and no one was able to find him. All his personal belongings were still there at the house, except what he had on his person. Since the aftershocks were still going and things were still falling, we thought he was in trouble. After a few weeks of H3LL trying to find him night and day, thinking him smashed on the freeway, dead under a pile of rubble I found out that the rat was sleeping with his brothers wife's sister and had left - leaving me utterly heartbroken and with everything to deal with. The chicknsht didnt even have the guts to tell me he was OK - and I have not seen him since that day at the airport as I left. I was 23 when this happened, luckily we didnt have any kids. To this day every great once in awhile I still wonder what I could have possibly done that was so wrong.

I swear, if I ever see him again, I'll personally relocate his nuts so he cant reproduce.. it was just an evil thing to do to anyone.

Hey - FOX! I lost my house, everything that was breakable within it AND my husband - Do I win???
2003-09-23 05:31:00 PM  
Bring "Strangers with Candy" back!

Oops, wrong station
2003-09-23 05:31:05 PM  
Divorce reality show?

Well, there's something new & original that's NEVER been said before..

Advice for Fox: Keep your money in your pocket.

Dumbass Meter

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 1 0
2003-09-23 05:32:29 PM  
LOL @ BetterThanSex. Well put.
2003-09-23 05:32:44 PM  
Family Guy > Greg the Bunny > Futurerama > Firefly > The PJs

That would be 3 hours of television bliss. Screw whatever is shown on TV now Sunday nights
2003-09-23 05:33:11 PM  
my ex got the television. what's this "Fox" thing everyone keeps talking about?
2003-09-23 05:33:17 PM  
Let this be a lesson to all of you! Get a prenup before you farking get married! I did, and it says we share the debt, we share the kid(s) and I get the house (mine to begin with before the marrage) and she can't take my car, my computer, or my pr0n collection.

She doesn't get dibs on the season tickets to the sucky local NFL franchise either. Because they're in MY name. Anything we have acquired since then is split 50/50 based on replacement value. So if I get my $2,000 65" HD-TV, she gets 2 grand worth of other "our" stuff.

If she cheats on me and it's proven, she gets nothing. If she tries to kill me, she gets nothing. Anything else is "what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, what's ours is split down the middle." If she's with me for 10 years or more, I'll pay her a year of alimony to get her on her feet, which will be no more than the cost of a 1 bedroom apartment.

I spent $120 on my prenup: I basically drew up the paperwork myself by looking at info on the Internet, and had copies signed and noterized. The cost came in when I had a lawyer look it over to make sure it's legally binding and what-not..and it is. :)

It's not romantic, but you know what? I'll come out of a divorce without losing my arse, which is a lot better than some of these stories I'm hearing.
2003-09-23 05:33:29 PM  
You got married at 17?! That's 'We-Todd-Hid'
2003-09-23 05:34:00 PM  
"What kind of a sick biatch takes the ice cube trays"???

Place that quote, win a cookie.
2003-09-23 05:35:01 PM  
I'd like to be the first to offer Fox the following:

[image from too old to be available]
2003-09-23 05:35:07 PM  
Reminds me of a line from Titus:

Why does divorce cost so much?

Because it's worth it.
2003-09-23 05:35:14 PM  
2003-09-23 05:09:53 PM St.Alfonzo

But, Ghastly, wouldn't you like to see that on tv?

One passive aggressive, adultering, bitter mother.
One alcoholic, religious fundamental, abusive father.
Three young, scared, confused children.
One scheming, mapulative, vengefull teenage step-mother-to-be.

Fox's SURVIVOR: Pentecostal Divorce.

Yeah... I think I'll pass on this one.
2003-09-23 05:35:45 PM  
Dear Fox,

Remember all those good times we had together watching The Simpsons and King of the Hill? Those were good times, long before the dawn of the blights on civilization known as "reality TV" and "FoxNews".

I remember seeing your commercials, your slick adverts, your low-class, low-key appeal. I guess I was somehow attracted to the bad boy in you.

Now, however, I sense a change in my life. A change for the better. Fox, I think it's time we said goodbye to each other.

I know we've been separated from one another for some time, especially after "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" and "Temptation Island." You saw scandal and sex, and I instantly knew things would never be the same, though they never were that great to begin with.

I began to sense your need to be distant, and though it broke my heart, Fox, I knew it was time to move on.

You have your ratings, your fans, your marketing experts who tell you to go the distance with reality television.

Sure, I know you're trying to change your image with your cable news channel and that flashy little moving tickertape thing at the bottom that goes too fast for me to read, but I can see you haven't changed inside. There's still that part of you that says, "Baby, come on. Watch COPS or America's Most Wanted with me. Just once more."

No, Fox. Not anymore.
2003-09-23 05:35:48 PM  

You should have Moscow nuked. Trust me, it would make you and your daughter feel better. ^_^
2003-09-23 05:36:01 PM  
Don't any of you people get the Cartoon Network?
2003-09-23 05:36:03 PM  
I'll spare you my entire novel of an entry again but I did forget voting. Though I think phydeaux has my story beat all to hell. Phydeaux, if you need help with that nut rearrangement you mentioned, I'd be happy to help.

Ok, here goes:

Married my first and only boyfriend when I was 19, that spring we had a little girl. For the next 5 1/2 years we did college full time(he's an actor, i'm a writer)and graduated the same semester. I went to grad school first, because, well... I got in. He applied repeatedly and never was accepted.
2003-09-23 05:36:22 PM  
Side note.. He left me with ALL of the bills too.

Including the BIATCHES diamond engament ring charged to our credit card and enough checks written during the time we were looking for him that it cleaned out our checking account.
2003-09-23 05:36:23 PM  
Ok, check this out:

Ex and I agree on everything. Splitting of the debts, property, etc. (naturally I got the lion's share of the debt since I was the only one who had a job...what little property there was wasn't worth fighting over, or so I thought). I borrowed the $500 to file for a disillusionment of marriage from my sister, cause well I was busted flat broke.

Ex went to live with parents across the country in California (leaving me to clean out her last apartment to boot). Lawyer handling disillusionment mailed her the paperwork to sign and send back, ending my own personal Vietnam (similar length, same results).

The soon-to-be ex mother-in-law draws up a list of "additional items" and demands that my ex wants in order the sign the paperwork, and has my ex sign off on it. Attorney advises me to fulfill them as best I can and be done with it. So I did. Send letter to ex explaining what I did and didn't do and why. Another letter, another list of demands before paperwork will be signed. It continues...

One year later, attorney handing disillusionment is fed up with the delays and stalling by my ex and her mom. Hires another attorney for me (at his own expense) who proceeds to sue for divorce on my behalf (previous attorney would have done it cheerfully for free by this point but legally he wasn't allowed since he took disillusionment case).

*Finally* the day of the court hearing, after I had already taken a day off from work and showed up for the hearing in my best suit (one likes to dress up for battle) ex sends word she'll not contest the suit and I can have my divorce.

No apologies, no nothing. Just a note via e-mail recently after 3 years that she was living in Las Vegas now and had her own place and she was better off. I think about detailing in about 30 pages or so why it is I'm *so* much better off without her arse around, but then I remember what a complete waste of time my life was with her and then I refuse to waste even a second more....

2003-09-23 05:36:33 PM  
The most interesting divorce story I have heard happened to one of my high school friends.
As far as my friend knew, he was only a baby when his father died. His mother re-married when he was very young and he considered his step-father to be a loving parent, as close as a "real" father.
When my friend was about to graduate high-school,a stranger showed up on his doorstep. Turns out that his natural father was NOT dead, and figuring that his kid was about to graduate high school, decided he should get to know him.
He arranged to stay nearby for a couple of weeks.
A couple of weeks turned into a couple of months. One afternoon, my friend came home to find his stepfather, sitting alone in the dark, smoking.
Alarmed, he said "What's wrong? Where's Mom?"

His mother had decided to leave his step-father for his natural father, whom she had divorced some 16 years before.

I also have a friend whose parents have been divorced twice...from each other, and have been re-married (again, to each other) for about 15 years.
2003-09-23 05:36:36 PM  
Step 1: Divorce
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Profit
/You guys are getting slow
2003-09-23 05:36:52 PM  
swahnhennessy: Heehee. Still one of the best "instant divorce" scenes in movies,though. ;)
2003-09-23 05:36:56 PM  
Allthegoodusernamesweretaken: Too late - I already used that quote!
2003-09-23 05:37:14 PM  
Since the post said "divorcee" that means they only want cute babes that got dumped, so that leaves me out, since I'm a guy.

My two faced lying ex wife might want to join in, but I won't.

Bring back Futurama, Fox farks.
2003-09-23 05:37:53 PM  
Don't any of you people get the Cartoon Network?

Are they making new episodes? No? Okay.
2003-09-23 05:37:56 PM  
Darkrose: I hear that! I'm not married, but if some bloke tries to divorce me and take my empire *sic-couple of properties and small, small nest*, he is sadly mistaken. I'm no chump...shiat happens and it's not right that ANYONE can take shiat that wasn't part theirs to begin with. Nope.
2003-09-23 05:37:59 PM  
My mom is currently in divorce litigation with my step-dad. I liked the guy but hey, these things happen. My favorite line from the movie Cocktail;
"Everything ends badly, otherwise it would never end."

Well you'd think after 20 years of marriage he'd give her a reasonable settlement (he's worth about 31 million) but their trying to starve her out of the house, keep racking up the legal fee's filing ridiculous motions, and just playing legal hardball against my Mom. Not cool.

So this all goes in front of the judge in November, hopefully my Mom will come out okay. She doesn't need or want 15.5 mil, she just wants enough to stay retired and comfortable for the rest of her days (she's 63).

FOX if you want us come get us, the whole story makes for sordid tale of stepfamily, treachery, and what gross wealth does to people (not me, I'm broke...). It should make for a colorful few chapters in my memoirs.
2003-09-23 05:38:30 PM  
I Am Not A Number: We thought he was in that theater when the Chechnyan (sp?)terrorists took it over. I made jokes about it but it would have been hell trying to tell my daughter what happened to her dad.
2003-09-23 05:39:44 PM  
FOX should burn for canceling the best shows. Didn't even have the decency to wrap up the aging Married With Children after it was an early flagship show. No respect for quality. Only interested in money.
2003-09-23 05:39:52 PM  
I have a friend who married a lawyer. Both his parents are lawyers too, high powered lawyers (his dad was dean of a major East Coasr law school, his mother has argued cases before the Supreme Court). Unfortunately, he's a low-powered lawyer. About ten years ago he decided work was beneath his dignity. After a year and a half she put the baby in the car and tried to leave. He jumped behind the car to prevent her leaving and she tapped the gas. Result: she spent Mother's Day in jail on assault charges.

Since then she's moved from Arizona back to Stamford CT. He's moved into his folks place in the Pine Barrens of NJ but until just recently was maintaining the pretence of living in AZ (despite marrying an Austalian woman and moving in with her for a year and a half). So every time he gets bored and decides to sue her, she has to fly back to Arizona.

The original decree stated that he had custody of the baby on Thursday. Well the baby is 8 years old now, but that does prevent him from picking her up after school, driving two hours to NJ, and then driving her back on Friday morning. He sees nothing wrong with this.

My friend is constantly being harassed through the courts by this guy. He's living off his parents' indulgence, and they're too lawyerlike to see a problem with how he treats his kid too. He's gone off the deep end more than once (he had a total breakdown in Australia when his second wife dumped him), so giving in and letting him have custody of the kid is not an option; he's just not a fit parent.

Fox, help my friend! I'll be happy to give you all the details.
2003-09-23 05:41:13 PM  

Your story is pretty darn good - or bad depending on if you had to live through it.

It must be a "married young" thing, I was 17 when we were married - and he dragged me into the Hearts O' Fire wedding chapel in Reno. I shoulda RAN - but NOOOOOOO it was so romantic. ::barf::
2003-09-23 05:42:21 PM  

Tom Arnold - True Lies

Although Pooter quoted it above so give him the cookie.
2003-09-23 05:42:33 PM  
Let's see... I supported her through one of the most expensive medical schools in the country (Loma Linda University in So. Cal), only to have the divorce finalized 1 month after she graduated from school.

To make matters even better, when I tried to get palimony (I did after all spend big $$$ with the hopes of a healthy second income) she divorced me in a state that made it virtually impossible to collect palimony in (Utah).

So, I'm out all this money, and I don't even have the lucrative medical salary to show for it...

Oh, and did I mention that she took almost all of my belongings, and left me with a cellphone bill of $437. I'm still chapped about that.
2003-09-23 05:45:13 PM  

"What kind of a sick biatch takes the ice cube trays"???

Place that quote, win a cookie.

True Lies.

I would like my cookie now.
2003-09-23 05:45:50 PM  
Family Guy in my opinion was (and is thanks to DVD sets) the greatest cartoon ever. It shouldn't have been taken off. The only reason I watch Fox now is because their football telecasts are way better than CBS. That is all
2003-09-23 05:46:22 PM  

It's from True Lies, Tom Arnold said it when Arnie thought his wife was cheating -

That's one of the funniest darn lines I have EVER heard - golden I tell ya.
2003-09-23 05:47:55 PM  
Ugh, it is pretty obvious that not many of you are from California - a no fault state. It's 50-50 for the whole time you are married. Although, things you buy together before the marriage can get kinda messy.

My story is simple - x had a problem with loyalty. This world would be such a nicer place if people could get even a bit better at not farking everything they are attracted to.

2003-09-23 05:48:12 PM  
They should have a show where they pay me to date people, get married, & then get divorced.
Oh yeah....
farking dickweeds
2003-09-23 05:49:01 PM  
Cookies all around. I'll just put a plate here on my desk and you all can come by and grab them at your convenience.
2003-09-23 05:49:29 PM  
We thought he was in that theater when the Chechnyan (sp?)terrorists took it over. I made jokes about it but it would have been hell trying to tell my daughter what happened to her dad.

You could always have told her that he like many actors go to a place no one ever sees them again, it's called off Broadway.
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