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(Cracked)   Bestiality, gang rape, bestial gang rape: the five most depraved sex scenes implied in Harry Potter   (cracked.com ) divider line
    More: Strange, Harry Potter, Dumbledore, Goblet of Fire, Sex in film, Draco Malfoy, giggles, J. K. Rowling, J.K.  
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14432 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 01 Sep 2011 at 2:29 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



70 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2011-09-01 12:14:13 PM  
Heheheh.

/ I love this.
 
2011-09-01 12:25:50 PM  
People that submit page 2 links should round themselves up and DIAF.
 
2011-09-01 12:30:00 PM  

ThatGuyGreg: People that submit page 2 links should round themselves up and DIAF.


yeeeah, clicking the page 1 link is so difficult.
 
2011-09-01 12:38:26 PM  

CrispFlows: ThatGuyGreg: People that submit page 2 links should round themselves up and DIAF.

yeeeah, clicking the page 1 link is so difficult.


Apparently, it was too difficult for subby.
 
2011-09-01 12:38:46 PM  
Relinkus PageOneus!
 
2011-09-01 12:40:11 PM  
You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.
 
2011-09-01 12:41:27 PM  

UNC_Samurai: Relinkus PageOneus!


Relinked PageOneus! (new window)
 
2011-09-01 12:46:47 PM  

Quasar: You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.


Now it won't ever go away.

bwahahahaha!
 
2011-09-01 12:57:23 PM  
oddly enough, i'm ok with Umbridge being gang raped by centaurs.
 
2011-09-01 02:13:31 PM  
I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.

/however, I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...
 
2011-09-01 02:31:43 PM  
I liked the part where Myrtle gave Harry a handjob in the hot tub. Can ghosts swallow?
 
2011-09-01 02:34:47 PM  

Weaver95: oddly enough, i'm ok with Umbridge being gang raped by centaurs.


I think she was, as well.

Jake Havechek: I liked the part where Myrtle gave Harry a handjob in the hot tub. Can ghosts swallow?


If they can get you off, who cares?
/ it would just fall through anyway.
 
2011-09-01 02:35:03 PM  
You mean the same stuff that fairy tales have been doing for centuries? Oh, my, think of the children.
 
2011-09-01 02:42:32 PM  
Bestiality, gang rape, & bestial gang rape?!?

Sounds Grimm.
 
2011-09-01 02:43:57 PM  
\o/
 
2011-09-01 02:48:48 PM  
Haven't read the books, but that one teacher that "collected" students was a bit unsettling. Then, also mentioned up thread that ghost girl in the bath was a sexed-up little freak.
 
2011-09-01 02:49:51 PM  
I really enjoyed the link far too much..
 
2011-09-01 02:50:19 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.

/however, I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...


So you could enjoy a lovely day of shoe shopping and some tea together?
 
2011-09-01 02:53:22 PM  
Hagrid's mother, meanwhile, was the giantess Fridwulfa. While we will be the first to point out that even if she was considered "small" by giant standards, she nevertheless possessed a womb, um ... ample enough to accommodate a 16-foot-tall son.

So giants are born at their adult size? What, do they just explode out of their mother's body like in Alien?
 
2011-09-01 02:55:05 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...


wouldyoutapthat.files.wordpress.com

/Hot, like a twinkly vampire.
//NTTAWWT.
 
2011-09-01 02:55:45 PM  
Makes me wonder if Hermione ever got "lost" in the forest.
 
2011-09-01 02:59:30 PM  

SecretAgentWoman: I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.

/however, I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...


I'm going to ignore the shiny vampire part but if I was going to change places with the wife it might take using the potion twice. The first time I would be spending the hour exploring my new body and see what her limits really are.
 
2011-09-01 03:01:42 PM  

ClintBartonWannabe: I'm going to ignore the shiny vampire part but if I was going to change places with the wife it might take using the potion twice. The first time I would be spending the hour exploring my new body and see what her limits really are.


I'll be in my bunk.
 
2011-09-01 03:03:01 PM  
"Engorgio"

'nuff said.
 
2011-09-01 03:09:16 PM  
 
2011-09-01 03:14:33 PM  
i359.photobucket.com

i359.photobucket.com
 
2011-09-01 03:18:00 PM  
There was a companion Cracked link on that page about the five worst fanfic slashups that was rather disturbing. Picard and Elrond? WTF?
 
2011-09-01 03:28:32 PM  

Quasar: You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.


Same here.

SecretAgentWoman: I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.


It'd be pretty cool to truly understand what sex is like for the other gender. You'd never again have to ask, "Does that work for you?"
 
2011-09-01 03:33:01 PM  

theorellior: There was a companion Cracked link on that page about the five worst fanfic slashups that was rather disturbing. Picard and Elrond? WTF?


Yeah, that's why I like my slash pure, no cross-overs. In a lot of cases, except where there is obvious sexual tension and/or a canonical relationship, you're using a lot of suspension of disbelief in the first place with the characters from the same show/book/movie/band, etc., but to throw in totally unrelated characters, that's just too much.

/15 years of slash readin' and writin'
//only two fandoms though
///neither of them HP
 
2011-09-01 03:38:53 PM  

silvervial: theorellior: There was a companion Cracked link on that page about the five worst fanfic slashups that was rather disturbing. Picard and Elrond? WTF?

Yeah, that's why I like my slash pure, no cross-overs. In a lot of cases, except where there is obvious sexual tension and/or a canonical relationship, you're using a lot of suspension of disbelief in the first place with the characters from the same show/book/movie/band, etc., but to throw in totally unrelated characters, that's just too much.

/15 years of slash readin' and writin'
//only two fandoms though
///neither of them HP


Yeah, cuz Hewlett-Packard fanfic is just freaky sick.
 
2011-09-01 03:45:03 PM  

propasaurus: Yeah, cuz Hewlett-Packard fanfic is just freaky sick.


MythBusters fan fiction.

Why yes, it does end with Grant and Kari testing the myth of the female orgasm.
 
2011-09-01 03:51:01 PM  

Quasar: You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.


Ditto on that.

I will confess, however, that I did wonder how the HELL Hagrid's parents got it on.

/Talk about a hot dog down a hallway...
 
2011-09-01 03:54:09 PM  

Jake Havechek: I liked the part where Myrtle gave Harry a handjob in the hot tub. Can ghosts swallow?


Rather odd that this is relatively mild compared to the rest. Will-depriving sex-acts seem to be disturbingly common in the wizarding world.
 
2011-09-01 03:58:43 PM  

ClintBartonWannabe: SecretAgentWoman: I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.

/however, I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...

I'm going to ignore the shiny vampire part but if I was going to change places with the wife it might take using the potion twice. The first time I would be spending the hour exploring my new body and see what her limits really are.


"I could never be a woman. I'd just stay at home and play with my breasts all day." - Harris K. Telemacher
 
2011-09-01 04:03:09 PM  
How about Lupin and Tonks? Gives a whole new meaning to "that time of the month".
 
2011-09-01 04:06:13 PM  
'The five most depraved sex scenesimplied by Harry Potter'. 'Hagrid's father banged a giant'

This was not implied, this is explained fact(in the book). There was nothing vague or alluded to about it. Hagrid's dad was human, his mom was a giant.
 
2011-09-01 04:11:35 PM  
Umbridge was a coont of the highest order and any gang raping she received was well deserved.
 
2011-09-01 04:12:39 PM  

rudemix: This was not implied, this is explained fact(in the book). There was nothing vague or alluded to about it. Hagrid's dad was human, his mom was a giant.


she just wanted some snu-snu
 
2011-09-01 04:24:34 PM  

JoeJitsu: How about Lupin and Tonks? Gives a whole new meaning to "that time of the month".


I'd find a way for Tonks.
 
2011-09-01 04:39:33 PM  

Mr. Cat Poop: Umbridge was a

sadistic fascist coont of the highest order and any gang raping she received was well deserved.

FTFY.
 
2011-09-01 04:48:50 PM  
Hagrid's parents... I suppose his dad could've made use of some polyjuice potion to turn himself into a giant?
 
2011-09-01 04:54:27 PM  

mikkimouse: Quasar: You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.

Ditto on that.

I will confess, however, that I did wonder how the HELL Hagrid's parents got it on.

/Talk about a hot dog down a hallway...


Climbed in, wanked, climbed out. While she was sleeping. The perfect crime.
 
2011-09-01 04:58:50 PM  
Subby said rape twice
 
2011-09-01 05:00:30 PM  

Pai Mei: Subby said gang rape twice


Subby likes gang rape.
 
2011-09-01 05:12:44 PM  
And in the related links area:

"5 Ways People Are Taking Harry Potter Waaay Too Seriously"

Better make it 6, Cracked.
 
2011-09-01 05:39:08 PM  

Quasar: mikkimouse: Quasar: You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.

Ditto on that.

I will confess, however, that I did wonder how the HELL Hagrid's parents got it on.

/Talk about a hot dog down a hallway...

Climbed in, wanked, climbed out. While she was sleeping. The perfect crime.


I knew there was a reason I had you favorited.
 
2011-09-01 06:25:21 PM  

gunga galunga: Pai Mei: Subby said gang rape twice

Subby likes gang rape.


9 out of 10 people do.
 
2011-09-01 06:32:42 PM  
so hagrids dad was a spelunker..
 
2011-09-01 07:47:56 PM  
Yeah, I noticed those things too when I read the books. When the centaurs took Umbridge I thought, hmm, don't centaurs rape humans? Nice...
 
2011-09-01 07:48:01 PM  
img593.imageshack.us
 
2011-09-01 08:02:51 PM  

Weaver95: oddly enough, i'm ok with Umbridge being gang raped by centaurs.


Ditto. The first time I read that book I remember being upset that Umbridge got off so lightly. How wrong I was.
 
2011-09-01 08:50:55 PM  
I didn't know about the centaur thing, but I definitely wondered about the rest. So many possibilities with polyjuice potion...

/Pretty sure if this stuff existed IRL 99.9% of the world would be bald to avoid people constantly running around pulling other people's hair
 
2011-09-01 09:02:14 PM  
The wizards are all sick freaks, what of it?

JoeJitsu: How about Lupin and Tonks? Gives a whole new meaning to "that time of the month".


I found it interesting that right after Sirius died Lupin all of the sudden married his cousin that was a shape shifter. Uh huh.
 
2011-09-01 09:02:19 PM  

Mike Chewbacca: It'd be pretty cool to truly understand what sex is like for the other gender.


Maybe I'd finally find out why women have to go to the bathroom for 45 minutes before sex.
 
2011-09-01 09:57:54 PM  

propasaurus: silvervial: theorellior: There was a companion Cracked link on that page about the five worst fanfic slashups that was rather disturbing. Picard and Elrond? WTF?

Yeah, that's why I like my slash pure, no cross-overs. In a lot of cases, except where there is obvious sexual tension and/or a canonical relationship, you're using a lot of suspension of disbelief in the first place with the characters from the same show/book/movie/band, etc., but to throw in totally unrelated characters, that's just too much.

/15 years of slash readin' and writin'
//only two fandoms though
///neither of them HP

Yeah, cuz Hewlett-Packard fanfic is just freaky sick.


I once came across a Steve Jobs/Bill Gates fanfic.
 
2011-09-01 10:26:10 PM  

ClintBartonWannabe: SecretAgentWoman: I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.

/however, I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...

I'm going to ignore the shiny vampire part but if I was going to change places with the wife it might take using the potion twice. The first time I would be spending the hour exploring my new body and see what her limits really are.


If you're interested I could tell you what her limits are.
 
2011-09-01 11:44:10 PM  
No mention of the implied rape of that ministry witch Pettigrew kidnapped?
 
2011-09-02 12:00:57 AM  

Quasar: mikkimouse: Quasar: You know, I've read a lot of Greek mythology and at no point had the thought "Dolores Umbridge was gang-raped by those centaurs" crossed my mind.

Ditto on that..


Really? Because the Greeks were either raping the snot out of everybody or they were the rapeed, so of course there'd be hyper-rapers out there somewhere doing the raping so those who couldn't get into the rape parties could still rape vicariously. Rape.
 
2011-09-02 12:02:27 AM  

Caeldan: Hagrid's parents... I suppose his dad could've made use of some polyjuice potion to turn himself into a giant?


They have engorgement charms, this is said pretty early on in the series.
 
2011-09-02 12:15:20 AM  
What they don't explain is why Hagrid's dad would WANT to do it. The giants in the books are ugly as hell.
 
2011-09-02 02:05:39 AM  
Thank you for linking to page 2.

Choke on a dick and die, subby.
 
2011-09-02 02:22:08 AM  

SecretAgentWoman: I'd so use polyjuice to get my freak on. I'd love to swap places with my husband...well...except farking myself might be too creepy. Scratch that.

/however, I would pay big bucks to turn my hubby into Robert Pattinson for a day...


Know how I know you have no husband or pubic hair?

/jk, had to
 
2011-09-02 02:51:59 AM  

Babies with Rabies: Mike Chewbacca: It'd be pretty cool to truly understand what sex is like for the other gender.

Maybe I'd finally find out why women have to go to the bathroom for 45 minutes before sex.


They're tucking back their penises.
 
2011-09-02 03:39:35 AM  
That whole article was like an episode of Smodcast.
 
2011-09-02 03:57:02 AM  

Braindeath: The wizards are all sick freaks, what of it?


www.gonemovies.com

Who cares why I want it. Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West! Don't look at me like that!
 
2011-09-02 10:37:50 AM  

jeanwearinfool: Babies with Rabies: Mike Chewbacca: It'd be pretty cool to truly understand what sex is like for the other gender.

Maybe I'd finally find out why women have to go to the bathroom for 45 minutes before sex.

They're tucking back their penises.


or maybe they have to cry it out first...
 
2011-09-02 02:35:53 PM  

stevetherobot: propasaurus: silvervial: theorellior: There was a companion Cracked link on that page about the five worst fanfic slashups that was rather disturbing. Picard and Elrond? WTF?

Yeah, that's why I like my slash pure, no cross-overs. In a lot of cases, except where there is obvious sexual tension and/or a canonical relationship, you're using a lot of suspension of disbelief in the first place with the characters from the same show/book/movie/band, etc., but to throw in totally unrelated characters, that's just too much.

/15 years of slash readin' and writin'
//only two fandoms though
///neither of them HP

Yeah, cuz Hewlett-Packard fanfic is just freaky sick.

I once came across a Steve Jobs/Bill Gates fanfic.


What, you printed it out first, or was it the screen you came across? I'm confused.
 
2011-09-02 03:25:50 PM  

ItsJustJake: stevetherobot: propasaurus: silvervial: theorellior: There was a companion Cracked link on that page about the five worst fanfic slashups that was rather disturbing. Picard and Elrond? WTF?

Yeah, that's why I like my slash pure, no cross-overs. In a lot of cases, except where there is obvious sexual tension and/or a canonical relationship, you're using a lot of suspension of disbelief in the first place with the characters from the same show/book/movie/band, etc., but to throw in totally unrelated characters, that's just too much.

/15 years of slash readin' and writin'
//only two fandoms though
///neither of them HP

Yeah, cuz Hewlett-Packard fanfic is just freaky sick.

I once came across a Steve Jobs/Bill Gates fanfic.

What, you printed it out first, or was it the screen you came across? I'm confused.


Do you actually want more information?
 
2011-09-02 06:17:33 PM  

gunga galunga: Pai Mei: Subby said gang rape twice

Subby likes gang rape.


Nine out of ten people like gang rape, so it is no surprise subby is in the majority.
 
2011-09-03 12:10:29 AM  
I'm surprised that the author did not include the implied gang rape of Ariana Dumbledore.

/Difficult to joke about the gang rape of a child.
 
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