He dips the chicks in formaldehyde, that makes 'em burn slower.

Perp: "Uh, uh...I was here to..to...steal the air conditioner! Yeah that's it! Steal the air conditioner!"

Police: "You were here to teach chimps to understand Scottish slang. Weren't you?"

Perp: *hangs head*

No but I have been "wake up on a golf course 3 miles from where I started drinking with a stolen dog, covered in ants and with about $40 worth of 3 Musketeers bars in my pockets" drunk.

Yes, but my diminished motor skills never let me execute.

No. I always stay sober enough to remember the order is naked, threesome, bloody.

I've done some pretty strange drunken things, but I have to admit that this guy's hijinks are very impressive.

Don't judge me!

No, but I have stood outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand.

nope. Not even basic drunk. Though there was a guy in the Journalism class who woke up from his booze-induced blackout in the back of a pink El Camino heading down Route 6. I forget the rest of the details, but somehow it involved handcuffs, a poodle and a bag of cement.

I've been close. A few times.

/don't want to go back

Well, I have something to shoot for this weekend, now.

Harry Freakstorm: Pro tip: Funeral homes are great places to pick up chicks. They are usually emotionally vulnerable, easy to talk to and open to new ideas. The downside is that being dead they don't warm up very well. The upside is that aside from an occasional haunting, they never call.

Who you gonna call?

animisparati: [variagate.com image 209x115]

That's a great flick.

I've never been that drunk, but, and it pains me to confess this, I have jumped the shark in a fark thread.

Not at a funeral home...

Unfortunately for me I don't forget any of it. I remember every stupid remark, every turn in the spinning, every puke and the taste and texture of it. You black-out guys are lucky.

Not impressed:

sounds hot

Maybe, maybe not. I once started drinking in Columbia and woke up in Atlanta. I was pretty confused as to how I'd gotten there, so I figured the best way to get back would be to start drinking again. When I came to, I was in Tijuana. Someone had replaced the front driver's tire of my car with a donut (I don't mean a small spare, I mean a glazed donut) and there was a Mexican hooker in the trunk of my car (alive). The good news was I'd apparently won some kind of south-of-the-border lotto, and the passenger seat was occupied by a purple donkey pinata full of dollar bills, which pretty much paid for the trip home.

So I had to quit drinking. That's okay. My girlfriend says it makes me a better lover. The other night, during sex, she called out my name. Now, she's not the brightest little crayon, so it took her a few tries to get it right, but what do you expect from a Mexican hooker?

Sure, you've been drunk, but have you ever been "arrested while naked and bloody at a funeral home after breaking in and attempting to negotiate a threesome with two women" drunk?

...on weed???

Sure, you've been drunk, but have you ever been "arrested while naked and bloody at a funeral home after breaking in and attempting to negotiate a threesome with two women" drunk?

Very close. I was not arrested, and rather than attempting to negotiate a threesome with two women, I was attempting to negotiate a twosome with three women. (I was drunk, after all.)

You mean whole women?



And all of me?

titwrench: No but I have been "wake up on a golf course 3 miles from where I started drinking with a stolen dog, covered in ants and with about $40 worth of 3 Musketeers bars in my pockets" drunk.

Just how big are your pockets that they can hold 720 Musteteers?

kvinesknows: titwrench: No but I have been "wake up on a golf course 3 miles from where I started drinking with a stolen dog, covered in ants and with about $40 worth of 3 Musketeers bars in my pockets" drunk.

Just how big are your pockets that they can hold 720 Musteteers?

The most epic story I have ever heard happened to a friend of mine.

Started drinking at the bars.
Then went tailgating.

Then woke up a few miles away curled up in the back of a nice car... the car of the University President, in her garage. Called a friend, high tailed it out of there, found a place to jump the fence and get the HELL out of there.

I remember back before my sex change, when i was a university president, and this drunken jackhole crawled into my car and fell asleep. If you see him, tell him that I still have his moon flags. Let's talk.

Ya ain't drunk unless you shiat yourself

careless lisper: Ya ain't drunk unless you shiat yourself

A guy in my frat once passed out hanging out of a window, and...well...he was leaking, profusely, at both ends.

/really glad that wasn't me
//still sorry about the time I made fun of him for it later...he was really mortified

careless lisper: Ya ain't drunk unless you shiat yourself

Never, ever, no matter how drunk I have ever been, have I lost control of either of those reflexes. I've rolled over and thrown up next to my bed. But never that.

kvinesknows: titwrench: No but I have been "wake up on a golf course 3 miles from where I started drinking with a stolen dog, covered in ants and with about $40 worth of 3 Musketeers bars in my pockets" drunk.

Just how big are your pockets that they can hold 720 Musteteers?

This was back in my skater days when pants were baggy and you could fit an entire Mickeys 40oz in each pocket.

There's drunk. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand then there's Tucker Max drunk.

No.

But, I've been close while Farking.

Is that unhealthy?