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Some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/15 - 5/21
Posted by Drew at 2011-05-24 2:58:37 PM (19 comments) | Permalink

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3290 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 May 2011 at 3:04 PM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



From Unfreakable:

No update from Drew this week, enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-05-15 to Sat 2011-05-21:

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  Carnival worker falls to his death from Ferris wheel. If you can guess how much he weighs, you win a teddy bear    
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  Is that a needle in your pocket or are you just Hep C to see me?    
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  The reason for the hasta la vista? Baby    
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  Virus leaked social security numbers of unemployed, offering identity thieves chance to get turned down for credit    
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  People, don't bring your seven-year-old to your drug deals. They usually can't lay down effective suppressing fire when you rip off the dealer    
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  Zoo animals face budget knife. And fork    
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  Ex-IMF chief Strauss-Kahn granted $1 million bail and will be confined to home detention. No word yet on whether he will have maid service    
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  Taliban kills 35 Afghan highway workers, fines doubled    
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  Gay Los Angeles police officer wins $1 million judgment in retaliation case. He thanked his legal team of Sailor, Construction Dude, Indian Chief, and Leather Guy with mustache, and also Tom Cruise for some reason    
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  Researchers find whales speak in accents to their extended family. Scientists listen by use of podcast    
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  Pope makes first-ever phone call to bless astronauts. He says even though Catholics in space are weightless, they still need mass    
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Sports:

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  Indian blind cricket team to tour Pakistan, play against other sight-impaired teams. First match is against the Pakistani intelligence team tasked to find Bin Laden    
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  Yo dawg, we heard that Oklahoma linebacker Austin Box passed away, so we'll put Box in a box so you can mourn while you can mourn    
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  Jason Giambi hits three home runs and becomes second-oldest player to hit three home runs in one game in MLB history. Best use of wood by a middle-aged man since Arnold Schwarzenegger    
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Geek:

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  Gene fights cancer, but also causes cancer. What the hell is your problem, Gene?    
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  Scientists discover bacteria strain that kills blood-suckers. The sparkling. Ends. Now.    
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  The 10 best cars for audiophiles. I thought a full sized Dodge van with no windows...oh, AUDIOphiles, nevermind    
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Showbiz:

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  Lady Gaga gets "honorary degree" from MTV. The University of Phoenix suddenly seems much more credible    
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  Jake Gyllenhaal sues over photoshopped underwear photo. After viewing photo, judge decides case will be heard in small claims court    
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  Katy Perry forbids chauffeurs from making eye contact with her. If only there were some distractions to keep the chaffeurs from looking into her eyes    
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Politics:

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  The effect of Huckabee's pullout on Bachmann could turn 'er campaign into overdrive, although we ain't see nothin' yet    
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  Newt Gingrich's campaign may be on its deathbed as GOP donors dump him for more attractive candidates    
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  Romney: Obama threw Israel under the bus. In Obama's defense though, in Israel that's safer than being on the bus    
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Music:

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  Duran Duran forced to cancel the opening dates of their UK tour due due due due due due due due due due due due due due due to laryngitis    
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  Actual headline: "Justin Bieber To Create Female Scent." Isn't that a given?    
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  50 Cent reveals that he was adopted; will begin search for his birth parents, George Washington & Susan B. Anthony    
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Business:

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  De Beers gets new CEO. They shoulda gone with Ditka. Definitely Ditka    
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  University of Phoenix under investigation for illegal recruiting tactics, including forgetting to mention to potential students that a degree from the University of Phoenix is only one-ply    
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  Toro's profits up 32 percent. OLE    
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· · ·

19 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2011-05-24 03:16:33 PM  
Two really good sports ones this week. Indian Cricket team and Box in a box are gold.
 
2011-05-24 03:16:39 PM  
That Gingrich headline is WIN
 
2011-05-24 03:32:40 PM  

Langston: That Gingrich headline is WIN


Agreed.
 
2011-05-24 03:42:54 PM  
Duran Duran one made me lol, as did Gene.

What the hell is Gene's problem?
 
2011-05-24 03:46:28 PM  
Does this list include the ones that get yanked/deleted? For example, the Sarah Palin/RGA headline on the Politics tab this morning?

/Just askin'.
 
2011-05-24 03:47:20 PM  
The UofP got hit hard this week. Great job subby
 
2011-05-24 04:08:34 PM  
So where is Drew then? What does he do with his time?
 
2011-05-24 04:12:55 PM  

PanicMan: So where is Drew then? What does he do with his time?


Ironically, he gets work done while trying to slack off.
 
2011-05-24 04:27:37 PM  
Drew died. This is all a facade. A show. Wake up Sheeple.
 
2011-05-24 04:42:28 PM  

Langston: That Gingrich headline is WIN


The Gingrich headline is HOTY material.
 
2011-05-24 05:03:56 PM  

PanicMan: So where is Drew then? What does he do with his time?


Maybe he's back in court trying to defend his theft of patented web processes, all while enjoying a cool, refreshing Jose Cuervo™!

Jose Cuervo™: I plead sloshed, Your Honor!
 
2011-05-24 05:16:18 PM  
All three showbiz headlines were pure win!
 
2011-05-24 06:02:00 PM  
I snerted for the Duran Duran and 50 Cent headlines, but can someone explain the Dodge / audiophile one?
 
2011-05-24 06:07:46 PM  

Prattle Assassin: I snerted for the Duran Duran and 50 Cent headlines, but can someone explain the Dodge / audiophile one?


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2011-05-24 06:13:07 PM  

Smiths: Drew died. This is all a facade. A show. Wake up Sheeple.


He died years ago. The US was just keeping him on ice so the President could eventually pull him out and win the election...

... oh, wait...

... nope, same guy.
 
2011-05-24 06:22:17 PM  

Prattle Assassin: I snerted for the Duran Duran and 50 Cent headlines, but can someone explain the Dodge / audiophile one?


it's a lame play on how the words pedophile/audiophile are similar.

/except that they're not
 
2011-05-24 08:18:06 PM  
Where was the twins sex study one?
 
2011-05-24 08:59:28 PM  

DeathBySmiley: PanicMan: So where is Drew then? What does he do with his time?

Ironically, he gets work done while trying to slack off.


If by "work" you mean "flying around the country hitting every bar known to man", then yes.

Friend him on FacePlant and track his drunken progress!
 
2011-05-25 02:03:27 AM  
I think the (paraphrase) headline "Mattress delivery truck sabotaged. That's sofa king low."

Was a winner. Should be here
 
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