Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(The Correctness)   10 Reasons why Gandalf is a Terrible Wizard   ( thecorrectness.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Gandalf, just a theory, square roots, bowling balls, pop musics, Organism, Frodo, Dear Reader  
•       •       •

14270 clicks; posted to Geek » on 28 Mar 2011 at 4:57 PM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



161 Comments     (+0 »)
 


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2011-03-28 02:12:09 PM  
Total lack of Wizard Type actions in battle

This will answer a few of your questions Mr. article writer: "Though the Valar intervened only rarely in Middle-earth, they sent the wizards as emissaries from Valinor because they had not forsaken the faithful Men and Elves of Middle-earth. In imposing the prohibition against using force to compel the Children of Eru, the Valar sought with the wizards to avoid repeating an ancient error. They had tried direct intervention in the destiny of the Elves in the Years of the Trees by leading the Eldar into the West, but this resulted in many bloody wars and confrontations. In the struggle against the Dark Lord, they hoped instead to help Men achieve their own destiny. Thus Gandalf and the other wizards were meant to use their great wisdom to persuade Men to courses of action which would achieve Men's own goals, rather than trying to dominate them. Saruman failed in this when he tried to set himself up as a commander in opposition to Sauron, but Gandalf remained faithful to his charge."

In other words, Gandalf had a "Prime Directive."
 
2011-03-28 02:16:34 PM  
I strongly suspect someone only saw the movies and never actually read any of the books. Just a hunch.
 
2011-03-28 02:19:03 PM  
Your blog sucks.
 
2011-03-28 02:26:01 PM  
alarming the Orcs and Trolls to their presence

Motherfarker, just because you have a blog doesn't mean you get to skip out on a farking editor. Even farking Hemingway had someone go over his shiat, you're just some asshole obsessed with elves.
 
2011-03-28 02:26:32 PM  
Gandalf isn't that stupid, he had suspicions of what the ring really was, and still ended up in a position to be tempted by it at Bilbo's place.

Gandalf doesn't actually know it's the One Ring before the fire reveals the writing, in fact he's really hoping it isn't. Observe the look of relief on his face when Bilbo can't see anything at first. Regardless, sooner or later he was going to wind up in the Ring's presence and have to deal with the temptation.

Where's the shiny staff of a million lumens to take out the Nazgul?

Did you miss the part where the Lord of the Nazgul shattered Gandalf's staff? Don't tell me you didn't watch the extended edition.
 
2011-03-28 02:31:48 PM  

Nabb1: I strongly suspect someone only saw the movies and never actually read any of the books. Just a hunch.


For some reason or another, I recently decided to throw the Lord of the Rings films on, ...

.... During the films, through other character's actions and dialogue, we're to believe that Gandalf is a figure of great importance and power. With that in mind, let's take a trip through reality.

Ummmm, clearly talking about the films.
 
2011-03-28 02:36:36 PM  
I was ill today, took the day off work, decided it was as good a time as any to do the 9 hour endurance race on GT5, got bored an hour in so watched the LOTR trilogy to keep me entertained while driving.

For #9 he doesn't beat down a grieving father, the Steward says "oh crap, uh oh! Everyone run away!" Gandalf says "nuh-uh" and hits him then rallies troops back to their posts. Nothing bad about that whatsoever.

For #8 he is sleeping with it clutched to his chest, what more can he do? He doesn't carry a safe with him. Though I did think, when watching, that perhaps if he'd just explained what it is when he snatched it, instead of making it seem fascinating and alluring the hobbit might not have been so keen to find out.

For #5 you could have just shot someone accidentally in the foot and still be rightfully allowed to be pissed off at someone causing that much of a noise when silence is of the utmost importance.

Since I've never read the book I'll just assume everything else has an explanation that didn't make it to the film and someone else will explain it.
 
2011-03-28 02:37:38 PM  
Does it include, "Don't break the bridge in the middle while still standing on it"?

*clicks on link*

#6--okay, thank you!
 
2011-03-28 02:44:37 PM  

Hebalo: Nabb1: I strongly suspect someone only saw the movies and never actually read any of the books. Just a hunch.

For some reason or another, I recently decided to throw the Lord of the Rings films on, ...

.... During the films, through other character's actions and dialogue, we're to believe that Gandalf is a figure of great importance and power. With that in mind, let's take a trip through reality.

Ummmm, clearly talking about the films.


Sure. Many people, however, have both seen the films and read the books. If he had read the books, much of what he complained about would have made more sense.
 
2011-03-28 02:49:23 PM  
Yeah, I'm gonna listen to some asshole who can't even spell Saruman right.
 
2011-03-28 02:51:17 PM  

Slaxl: Though I did think, when watching, that perhaps if he'd just explained what it is when he snatched it, instead of making it seem fascinating and alluring the hobbit might not have been so keen to find out.


Not to mention casting a spell of his own on the crystal ball already linked to Sauron might have acted like a magical GPS beacon.

P.S. TFA sucks, and so does the blog.
 
2011-03-28 02:53:56 PM  

Hebalo: Ummmm, clearly talking about the films.


Funny, TFA doesn't say "10 reasons why Gandalf's cinematic character is a terrible wizard."
 
2011-03-28 02:55:02 PM  

Somacandra: Not to mention casting a spell of his own on the crystal ball already linked to Sauron might have acted like a magical GPS beacon.


One of the things I love about the LotR is how mysterious the magic is. So much of it happens off-page, that you can really only speculate on things like "why didn't he just put an invisibility spell on it?" Unlike other, later, writers of the genre that felt they needed to put a magical textbook in their writings.

/I'm looking at you, Robert Jordan
 
2011-03-28 03:00:44 PM  
it's not a "crystal ball", it's a "palantír" or perhaps a "seeing stone", but it's no goddamned crystal ball.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
 
2011-03-28 03:05:25 PM  
furthermore, sauruman wasn't always a "bad" wizard, which is why gandalf feels he is, at the very least, still reasonable.
 
2011-03-28 03:09:24 PM  

Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich: Unlike other, later, writers of the genre that felt they needed to put a magical textbook in their writings.


1.bp.blogspot.com

Until you end up with a fantasy series set in the DeVry Technical Institute of Magic, where everything is very instrumental, mechanical, technologically oriented, and de-mythologized.

i.imgur.com

Who stole all my 48X gillyweed? You gotta be careful with in the presence of nitrogen dioxide gas, since removing carbon 242 and hydrogens from it main polysterol via carbons 22 and 23 yields brassicasterol (ergosta-5,22-dien-3β-ol).

Also: Because Midichlorians
 
2011-03-28 03:12:17 PM  

doublesecretprobation: it's not a "crystal ball", it's a "palantír" or perhaps a "seeing stone", but it's no goddamned crystal ball.


upload.wikimedia.org

R.I.P. Crystal Ball

 
2011-03-28 03:14:03 PM  
How can such a masterful practitioner of wishiorjry be terrible?
www.audiovisualfun.com
 
2011-03-28 03:30:02 PM  

I Said: How can such a masterful practitioner of wishiorjry be terrible?


i.imgur.com
 
2011-03-28 03:56:44 PM  
Has a magic hat that will tell you exactly who the evil children are that will some day try to kill everyone and destroy the world, and not only does he allow them to stay... he trains them how to use their powers.

Is that on the list?
 
2011-03-28 04:26:34 PM  
I think I'm going to get drunk tonight, write up a bunch of lists like '8 reasons the Na'vi were retarded' and '17 reasons Gremlins would have easily taken over the world', slap them on a blog, toss a few click ads on them and then submit them to Fark.

Then I can just sit back and watch the cash roll in, right?
 
2011-03-28 04:33:45 PM  

Roook: I think I'm going to get drunk tonight, write up a bunch of lists like '8 reasons the Na'vi were retarded' and '17 reasons Gremlins would have easily taken over the world', slap them on a blog, toss a few click ads on them and then submit them to Fark.

Then I can just sit back and watch the cash roll in, right?


Looks like somebody just wrote up a business model. Tell you what. I'll put together some half-assed articles comparing unlike things for you to put on your blog for 30% of the ad revenue.
 
2011-03-28 05:07:26 PM  
...well, we could derail his profit margins by clickfrauding him into oblivion?
 
2011-03-28 05:08:53 PM  
Ok, the ONLY one I can agree with is that Gandalf is a dick, even more so in the books. He never explains himself, just tells people to do things "because I farking said so". I suppose he has a right to be, he's somewhere around a thousand years old, with the power of a Minar, but still. Every now and then, at least say WHY you want someone to do something.
 
2011-03-28 05:11:46 PM  

Roook: I think I'm going to get drunk tonight, write up a bunch of lists like '8 reasons the Na'vi were retarded' and '17 reasons Gremlins would have easily taken over the world', slap them on a blog, toss a few click ads on them and then submit them to Fark.

Then I can just sit back and watch the cash roll in, right?


Sadly, no. Your blog won't get you laid either. Trust me on this one...
 
2011-03-28 05:14:05 PM  
Would it kill you to proof-read your crap before presenting it to an audience?

I don't mind a typo here or there - it happens - but that thing was rife with dropped words and awkward phrasing.
 
2011-03-28 05:14:30 PM  
Having seen the movies and not read the books, I was kinda left with some of these questions, namely: what's the point of having a wizard around if he can't do shiat? I guess the movies never really explained that.

/I got over it.
 
2011-03-28 05:17:13 PM  
At least he's better than Dumbledore.

cdn-i.dmdentertainment.com
 
2011-03-28 05:20:51 PM  
Meh. He was a coward. He was supposed to be this superior badass, but when he faces off one-on-one against his evil dark lord counterpart, one that was on death's doorstep a few minutes before, he gets his arse handed to him, as to call for backup to escape, and decides to go into self-imposed exile in a swamp for decades to "contemplate". He doesn't appear again until his charge is actually sent to him, then his immediate response is that he can't train the guy. Guys a coward.

/Oh wait.
 
2011-03-28 05:21:42 PM  

SlashmanSG: Ok, the ONLY one I can agree with is that Gandalf is a dick, even more so in the books. He never explains himself, just tells people to do things "because I farking said so". I suppose he has a right to be, he's somewhere around a thousand years old, with the power of a Minar, but still. Every now and then, at least say WHY you want someone to do something.


i hate this argument- why bring in a thousand year old wizard with a direct line to the ear of the gods themselves- and then second guess everything he suggests and demand detailed explination?
 
2011-03-28 05:25:00 PM  
Never read the books. Never will read the books.

Just wanted to say though that I never understood why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo over Mt. Doom some dark night so he could drop it in the top of the volcano.
Seems like that would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Some wizard he is.
 
2011-03-28 05:31:14 PM  
Unused Audio Commentary by Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky for "The Fellowship of the Ring" DVD

Zinn: You view the conflict as being primarily about pipe-weed, do you not?

Chomsky: Well, what we see here, in Hobbiton, farmers tilling crops. The thing to remember is that the crop they are tilling is, in fact, pipe-weed, an addictive drug transported and sold throughout Middle Earth for great profit.

Zinn: This is absolutely established in the books. Pipe-weed is something all the Hobbits abuse. Gandalf is smoking it constantly.

Chomsky: But without the pipe-weed, Middle Earth would fall apart. Saruman is trying to break up Gandalf's pipe-weed ring. He's trying to divert it.

Zinn: Well, you know, it would be manifestly difficult to believe in magic rings unless everyone was high on pipe-weed. So it is in Gandalf's interest to keep Middle Earth hooked.

Chomsky: How do you think these wizards build gigantic towers and mighty fortresses? Where do they get the money? Keep in mind that I do not especially regard anyone, Saruman included, as an agent for progressivism. But obviously the pipe-weed operation that exists is the dominant influence in Middle Earth. It's not some ludicrous magical ring.

...

Zinn: And soon Gandalf is delighting the Hobbits with his magic. Sauron's magic is somehow terrible but Gandalf's, you'll notice, is wonderful.

Chomsky: And note how Gandalf's magic is based on gunpowder, on explosions.

Zinn: Right.

Chomsky: And it is interesting, too, that Gandalf's so-called magic is technological, and yet somehow technology seems to be what condemns Saruman's enterprises, as well as those of the Orcs.

Zinn: Exactly.

Chomsky: But we will address that later. Here we have Pippin and Merry stealing a bunch of fireworks and setting them off. This might be closer to the true heart of the Hobbits.

Zinn: You mean the Hobbits' natural inclination?

Chomsky: I think the Hobbits are criminals, essentially.

Zinn: It also seems incredibly irresponsible for Gandalf to have a firework that powerful just sitting in the back of his wagon.

Chomsky: More of his smoke and mirrors, yes? Gandalf conjures the dragon Smaug to scare the people.

Zinn: One can always delight the little people with explosions.
 
2011-03-28 05:33:42 PM  

tlchwi02: SlashmanSG: Ok, the ONLY one I can agree with is that Gandalf is a dick, even more so in the books. He never explains himself, just tells people to do things "because I farking said so". I suppose he has a right to be, he's somewhere around a thousand years old, with the power of a Minar, but still. Every now and then, at least say WHY you want someone to do something.

i hate this argument- why bring in a thousand year old wizard with a direct line to the ear of the gods themselves- and then second guess everything he suggests and demand detailed explination?


Well that's why I said he has a right to be.
 
2011-03-28 05:33:46 PM  
i.imgur.com
Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the "Rings" out of this.
 
2011-03-28 05:38:07 PM  
I think Gandalph the Pothead was fairly accurately portrayed.

Sloven, poor memory, over dramatic and rehab'd with a major asskicking.
 
2011-03-28 05:38:59 PM  

InfamousBLT: Just wanted to say though that I never understood why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo over Mt. Doom some dark night so he could drop it in the top of the volcano.


Sauron almost finds the ring when Frodo goes on top of too high a hill. Given that they've got to get it to Mount Doom to destroy it and the entire plan is predicated on Sauron never thinking they'd do that (and therefore not watching Mordor closely enough, because he assumed the ring was going to Minas Tirith), flying it in wouldn't work.
 
2011-03-28 05:40:20 PM  

InfamousBLT: Never read the books. Never will read the books.

Just wanted to say though that I never understood why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo over Mt. Doom some dark night so he could drop it in the top of the volcano.
Seems like that would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Some wizard he is.


Look out for the sunlight, troll.

They mention a few times (in the movies, even) that any obvious show of force/might/magic will immediately get Sauron's eye and give them away. They gotta lay low. Gandalf hadn't figured out how they were going to get the ring into Mordor before the Fellowship was broken, but Frodo sneaking off actually worked out pretty well. Nobody expected some little dude to tromp towards them through a swamp, past the biggest evil stronghold outside Mordor, through the tunnels held by a giant evil spider, and then across arid volcanic plains entirely held by Sauron's forces. Sauron was too busy trying to figure out if Aragorn had the ring hidden in Gondor.
 
2011-03-28 05:43:03 PM  
Cause he doesn't do card tricks?
 
2011-03-28 05:43:16 PM  

Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich: One of the things I love about the LotR is how mysterious the magic is. So much of it happens off-page, that you can really only speculate on things like "why didn't he just put an invisibility spell on it?" Unlike other, later, writers of the genre that felt they needed to put a magical textbook in their writings.

/I'm looking at you, Robert Jordan


So you prefer the Terry Goodkind approach which is more like "So how does magic work?" "fark if I know, sometimes shiat just happens, sometimes it doesn't. Oh and commies are evil!!!!"
 
2011-03-28 05:48:22 PM  

InfamousBLT: Never read the books. Never will read the books.

Just wanted to say though that I never understood why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo over Mt. Doom some dark night so he could drop it in the top of the volcano.
Seems like that would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Some wizard he is.


OTHER than the fact his purpose in middle earth was to teach the Humans and lesser races to stand on their own?
 
2011-03-28 05:50:45 PM  

Kazan: OTHER than the fact his purpose in middle earth was to teach the Humans and lesser races to stand on their own?


He did an awful lot of meddling, persuading, and order about of others for that to be true.
 
2011-03-28 05:50:55 PM  

The_Eliminator: InfamousBLT: Never read the books. Never will read the books.

Just wanted to say though that I never understood why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo over Mt. Doom some dark night so he could drop it in the top of the volcano.
Seems like that would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Some wizard he is.

Look out for the sunlight, troll.

They mention a few times (in the movies, even) that any obvious show of force/might/magic will immediately get Sauron's eye and give them away. They gotta lay low. Gandalf hadn't figured out how they were going to get the ring into Mordor before the Fellowship was broken, but Frodo sneaking off actually worked out pretty well. Nobody expected some little dude to tromp towards them through a swamp, past the biggest evil stronghold outside Mordor, through the tunnels held by a giant evil spider, and then across arid volcanic plains entirely held by Sauron's forces. Sauron was too busy trying to figure out if Aragorn had the ring hidden in Gondor.


don't forget that Aragorn, at the encouragement of Gandalf, was intentionally making appearance of acting rashly because that is what the ring would push a new claimant to act like. Sauron was the bear, and Aragorn was making himself the bait.

all the while Frodo had the sniper rifle :D
 
2011-03-28 05:53:48 PM  

Hebalo: Kazan: OTHER than the fact his purpose in middle earth was to teach the Humans and lesser races to stand on their own?

He did an awful lot of meddling, persuading, and order about of others for that to be true.


he also had the Red Ring of the Elves, the one that inspires courage in those around you. he was trying to be helpful without letting them become dependent on him while at the same time altering what events to the advantage of humans (and hobbits).
 
2011-03-28 05:54:44 PM  

pdavis99: Meh. He was a coward. He was supposed to be this superior badass, but when he faces off one-on-one against his evil dark lord counterpart, one that was on death's doorstep a few minutes before, he gets his arse handed to him, as to call for backup to escape, and decides to go into self-imposed exile in a swamp for decades to "contemplate". He doesn't appear again until his charge is actually sent to him, then his immediate response is that he can't train the guy. Guys a coward.

/Oh wait.


I laughed.
 
2011-03-28 05:59:42 PM  
Heh. For the most part I agree with this guy. Gandalf was kind of a lame wizard who hid behind a code of conduct as to explain why he was such a lame wizard.

As far as magical capabilities, I rather liked Patrick Rothfuss' use of magic where it needs an energy source like heat from a fire to make it function (though the part of me which understands thermodynamics is wailing painfully in the back of my mind).

Nobody really knows what kind of wizardly things Gandalf can do because he barely ever does any. There's two choices: (1) He knows more magic but chooses not to use it, which indicates that his code of conduct is more important than Middle Earth, or (2) He doesn't know a lot of magic that would be useful in the situations he finds himself in. Either way, it doesn't bode well for his status as legendary wizard.
 
2011-03-28 06:04:48 PM  

Nabb1: I strongly suspect someone only saw the movies and never actually read any of the books. Just a hunch.


What is more irritating (I give the author a pass on the movies vs books, he stated he's commenting the movies, after all) is going for the "let's write like Cracked.com" style... and failing.
 
2011-03-28 06:05:58 PM  

Razorwolf: Has a magic hat that will tell you exactly who the evil children are that will some day try to kill everyone and destroy the world, and not only does he allow them to stay... he trains them how to use their powers.

Is that on the list?


No no, that's Star Wars.

/only half joking
 
2011-03-28 06:07:50 PM  
If you ask me, Denethor was asking for it. He started the whole mess when he went over to the alternate universe to kidnap his dead son from himself.

/Vagenda
 
2011-03-28 06:08:07 PM  

tortilla burger: Heh. For the most part I agree with this guy. Gandalf was kind of a lame wizard who hid behind a code of conduct as to explain why he was such a lame wizard.

As far as magical capabilities, I rather liked Patrick Rothfuss' use of magic where it needs an energy source like heat from a fire to make it function (though the part of me which understands thermodynamics is wailing painfully in the back of my mind).

Nobody really knows what kind of wizardly things Gandalf can do because he barely ever does any. There's two choices: (1) He knows more magic but chooses not to use it, which indicates that his code of conduct is more important than Middle Earth, or (2) He doesn't know a lot of magic that would be useful in the situations he finds himself in. Either way, it doesn't bode well for his status as legendary wizard.


Gandalf is one of the Maiar ... a lesser deity essentially. When he said "through me it would wield a power to great and terrible to imagine" he meant it

He was the 3rd (and later the 2nd) most powerful of the Maiar.

pre-death and resurrection it was

Sauron
Saruman
Gandalf

then the Valar strengthened gandalf and it became

Sauron
Gandalf
Saruman

after Sauron's destruction that makes him the most powerful Maiar... which means he's the 16th most powerful being in the universe (ignoring Eru)
 
2011-03-28 06:09:40 PM  

InfamousBLT: Never read the books. Never will read the books.

Just wanted to say though that I never understood why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo over Mt. Doom some dark night so he could drop it in the top of the volcano.
Seems like that would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Some wizard he is.


farm1.static.flickr.com

'Perhaps you fell you're being treated unfairly?'
 
Displayed 50 of 161 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all



This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter





Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report