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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-27 to Sat 2011-03-05
Posted by Drew at 2011-03-08 11:21:18 AM, edited 2011-03-08 11:31:34 AM (12 comments) | Permalink
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1935 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Mar 2011 at 11:21 AM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



From Unfreakable:

No update from Drew this week; enjoy the headlines.

See you guys in Vegas.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-27 to Sat 2011-03-05:

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  I said, THERE'S STILL NO EXPLANATION FOR LAST MONTH'S HERRING LOSS    
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  For 75 years, woman plays piano weekly for her church. Credits her longevity to watching her keys and pews    
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  Chinese farmer awaits an artifical asshole. Then, after James Franco's visit, he'll need surgery as well    
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  New Jersey woman steals valuable church crucifix. Police nab her after brief cross examination    
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  Tennessee would like its own currency. But is meth a stable enough standard?    
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  Mary Lee Ditto given 10 days in jail for furnishing alcohol to a minor. Mary Lee Ditto given 10 days in jail for furnishing alcohol to a minor    
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  The Supreme Court rules that, yes, the Constitution protects your right to be an asshole. In writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts added, "Goddamnitsomuch"    
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  Sirhan Sirhan denied denied parole parole    
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  Man successfully walks through 7 lanes of interstate traffic to retrieve hubcap he spotted in median. Too bad he needed 8 lanes to complete the level    
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  Sailor fighting U.S. Navy discharge after getting caught in bed with another male sailor says he's not gay -- they just fell asleep watching "The Vampire Diaries." Dude, you need to stop talking    
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  Two men arrested for poaching deer and serving the meat at Super Bowl party. Stealers lose again    
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Sports:

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  FAP motion fizzles out after four members take matters into their own hands and a load off of the president, who no longer has to hold his own    
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  Collect your winnings if you had "22 months" in the "When Will JaMarcus Russell Lose His House?" pool    
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  Bob Sanders shakes hands on one-year deal with San Diego, dislocates shoulder    
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Geek:

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  Federal researchers, who clearly hang out in different bars than I do, declare the eastern cougar officially extinct    
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  Smartphone market share in a pretty graph - and if you'll notice, Android doesn't even make the cut. iCan't imagine why    
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  Florida man finally grows eight-pound turnip. Tells friends he's now beet. Just wants to go home, read the pepper, take a leek endive into bed    
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Showbiz:

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  ABC is casting for a new show tentatively called "Good Christian Biatches." One assumes that name will be changed    
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  The 31st annual Razzie Award winners have been announced. In a stunning twist, M. Night Shyamalan sweeps yet again    
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  Simon Pegg says the Star Trek 2 script is "amazing." Yes. We all agree, Wrath of Khan was the best of the Star Trek films. Thanks for reminding us    
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  Christina Aguilera arrested for public intox after failing sobriety test, by oversinging the wrong letters to the alphabet    
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  Mel Gibson calls Charlie Sheen to offer his support. Two now set to co-produce a buddy cop sex tape    
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  The 10 most paused moments in movie history. Have these people never heard of Fast Times at Ridgemont High?    
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  The AV Club revisits the cultural significance of "Clarissa Explains it All." Or, as Subby calls it, "A Televised Introduction to Onanism"    
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  Jessica Simpson is: A) desperate for love; B) a ravenous lover of snacks and fast food; C) always drunk. Difficulty: pick one    
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  Colin Firth being demoted from king to knight. Check mate    
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  Fox News: You can beat the TSA by putting someone else's DNA in your mouth. Fark: Of course it was Steve Doocy who suggested it, as he likely has had a lot of different DNA in his mouth    
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Politics:

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  GAO issues first report on Government waste and duplication. Many more expected to follow    
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  Sarah Palin thinks that military funerals are more important than the first amendment. On the bright side, Sarah Palin can now name TWO Supreme Court cases she disagrees with. Take that, Couric    
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  Unemployment rate drops to 8.9% as new jobs are created to clean up after Charlie Sheen    
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Music:

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  Thieves try and sell $2 million violin for $150 with no strings attached    
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  UK's Download Festival turns down Metallica, saying they are "boring", evidently tired of that one Metallica song that goes from F#m to E. No, not that one. The other one. No, not that one. Yeah, that one that sounds like that one    
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  Mariah Carey embarrassed about performance linked to Gadhafi. In other news, next week's Sweet 16 concert still on for Ashley Hitler    
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Business:

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  US Uncut protests that the banks don't pay their tip of the taxes, and that they're giant dicks    
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  Blue Cross of Massachusetts rewards CEO for $149 million loss with $11 million severance pay. No wonder it's a nonprofit    
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  Rupert Murdoch gets UK government approval to complete buy-out of satellite broadcaster BSkyB, build Death Star that only flies to the right    
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· · ·

12 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2011-03-08 11:37:40 AM  
None of mine made it this week. But these two I loved.

Bob Sanders shakes hands on one-year deal with San Diego, dislocates shoulder

Sailor fighting U.S. Navy discharge after getting caught in bed with another male sailor says he's not gay -- they just fell asleep watching "The Vampire Diaries." Dude, you need to stop talking
 
2011-03-08 11:48:57 AM  
The iCant one deserves a spot if only for subby's massive failure at graph comprehension
 
2011-03-08 11:50:06 AM  
Hands down:

For 75 years, woman plays piano weekly for her church. Credits her longevity to watching her keys and pews
 
2011-03-08 11:50:32 AM  
Don't forget the DFW Fark Party tonight.
 
2011-03-08 12:04:42 PM  
woohoo!

i said, WOOHOO!
 
2011-03-08 12:17:38 PM  
The "keys and pews" made me LOL when I first saw it, and again just now. HOTY material.
 
2011-03-08 12:34:40 PM  

LesserEvil: Hands down:

For 75 years, woman plays piano weekly for her church. Credits her longevity to watching her keys and pews


Yes, it's nice to see some people actually think about the headlines they submit.
 
2011-03-08 12:45:21 PM  
Any reason why the categories are not in the order that their tabs are in?
 
2011-03-08 12:59:24 PM  

Fireproof: Any reason why the categories are not in the order that their tabs are in?


Probably forgot about the Business tab, as there are only like 3 greenlit threads in there a day.
 
2011-03-08 01:01:05 PM  
Failure to pull out leaves Glory whole should be in there.

/disappointed
//no, im not the subby
 
2011-03-08 02:37:35 PM  

The Flexecutioner: Failure to pull out leaves Glory whole should be in there.

/disappointed
//no, im not the subby


Second.
 
2011-03-08 04:05:34 PM  
My Rupert Murdoch one made it. Woot.
 
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