FARK.com: (5984140) "It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone"

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(Some Guy)		"It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone" (dailybreeze.com)		190
		More: Dumbass

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25045 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Feb 2011 at 3:19 PM | Favorite | share:

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Md37		2011-02-23 01:31:40 PM

Holy crap, that's creepy.

UberDave		2011-02-23 02:32:11 PM

TFA: She said that when she returned the following Monday and drank from the bottle, she tasted what she believed to be semen. "I had a hunch that's what it was..."

Translation: "Having tasted plenty of semen in my time, I knew exactly what that was."

FirstNationalBastard		2011-02-23 02:47:51 PM

Assault? Battery? Seriously?

Dead for Tax Reasons		2011-02-23 02:48:22 PM

what a jerk off

FirstNationalBastard		2011-02-23 02:49:05 PM

Also, FTFA:

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work.

Suuuuuuuuuuure. We'll go with that excuse.

xanadian		2011-02-23 03:11:16 PM

FirstNationalBastard: Assault? Battery? Seriously?

I'm sure his battery was plenty assaulty.

8.5 tailed fox		2011-02-23 03:22:29 PM

Was this action premeditated, or was it a sperm-of-the-moment decision?

airsupport		2011-02-23 03:23:03 PM

Honestly, I did not see that one coming.

stonicus		2011-02-23 03:23:27 PM

UberDave: TFA: She said that when she returned the following Monday and drank from the bottle, she tasted what she believed to be semen. "I had a hunch that's what it was..."

Translation: "Having tasted plenty of semen in my time, I knew exactly what that was."

Not only did she know what it was, she could tell the guy's age, height, weight, and what he had for dinner for previous night.

Killer Cars		2011-02-23 03:23:42 PM

FirstNationalBastard: Also, FTFA:

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work.

Suuuuuuuuuuure. We'll go with that excuse.

I'm trying to imagine what my response would be if my SO asked me to jizz in her water bottle.

chachi88		2011-02-23 03:23:53 PM

"Hmm, this water has a little wang to it."

misanthropic1		2011-02-23 03:23:58 PM

FirstNationalBastard: Assault? Battery? Seriously?

You down with coworkers randomly splooging in your beverages?

I Like Shiny Things		2011-02-23 03:24:06 PM

good aim or a really tiny weenie?

Sticky Hands		2011-02-23 03:24:09 PM

this is why I never even reuse bottles or drinking vessels.
One sip and into the trash is goes.
Yo can[' be too careful.

Gonad the Ballbarian		2011-02-23 03:24:18 PM

But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work.

/fap/fap/fap

coxinha		2011-02-23 03:24:34 PM

Jesus Christ. Sometimes I'm glad I'm ugly.

TommyymmoT		2011-02-23 03:25:32 PM

Yeah, and I could probably find a way to jerk off into Jessica Alba's garbage cans, but it just wouldn't be the same.

StarSys		2011-02-23 03:28:05 PM

TommyymmoT: Yeah, and I could probably find a way to jerk off into Jessica Alba's garbage cans, but it just wouldn't be the same.

I did, and it wasn't.

dryknife		2011-02-23 03:28:13 PM

"I saw her water bottle and I did it," Lallana says on the tape. "For me, it's a release. I think about my wife."

His wife just doesn't have a water bottle.

Qwigs		2011-02-23 03:28:25 PM

misanthropic1		2011-02-23 03:28:54 PM

First the yogurt guy, now this; I shudder in advance in the event of a trifecta...

Mark Ratner		2011-02-23 03:29:09 PM

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? Because if someone would have told me not to do that....

The perp and the office whore:
jeanhudson.com

stonicus		2011-02-23 03:29:15 PM

What the water bottle may have looked like.

Diogenes		2011-02-23 03:30:26 PM

This is why I only ejaculate in co-workers' opaque cans.

Titor's Time Machine		2011-02-23 03:31:16 PM

TommyymmoT: Yeah, and I could probably find a way to jerk off into ~~Jessica Alba's~~ Lindsey Lohan's garbage cans, ~~but it just wouldn't~~ and it would be the same.

FTFY

kvinesknows		2011-02-23 03:32:22 PM

coxinha: Jesus Christ. Sometimes I'm glad I'm ugly.

ProTip.

most of the time we dont actually care what you look like, we still wack off into your water bottle, shoes, socks, purse, hand soap, hand cream, jelly filled donut,

we pee sometimes too.

The_Sponge		2011-02-23 03:32:52 PM

JWF85		2011-02-23 03:33:24 PM

...[She] asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work...

wat

HailRobonia		2011-02-23 03:33:42 PM

Killer Cars: I'm trying to imagine what my response would be if my SO asked me to jizz in her water bottle.

I would interpret it as slang for farking her in the urethra.

Diogenes		2011-02-23 03:35:00 PM

Why not....cum in a water bottle?

Mugato		2011-02-23 03:35:06 PM

"Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time."

aspAddict		2011-02-23 03:35:24 PM

8.5 tailed fox: Was this action premeditated, or was it a sperm-of-the-moment decision?

I like you.

FirstNationalBastard		2011-02-23 03:35:38 PM

Killer Cars: FirstNationalBastard: Also, FTFA:

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work.

Suuuuuuuuuuure. We'll go with that excuse.

I'm trying to imagine what my response would be if my SO asked me to jizz in her water bottle.

Hand it back to her and say "I've already been doing that for ages. Try to find a water bottle in this house I haven't jizzed in!"

Then, watch the hilarity ensue.

Grass Hopper		2011-02-23 03:35:42 PM

I wonder how that "marriage" thing is working out for him now? I bet his wife is so proud.

Two Hearted		2011-02-23 03:37:52 PM

The fiancee: "You think you tasted WHAT in your water bottle at work? Oh sure, I'll jizz in a bottle for you. Makes perfect sense."

The Southern Dandy		2011-02-23 03:38:37 PM

Although ejaculating on a person's water bottle provides deep intimacy, it is no substitute for the even deeper intimacy of ejaculating on the person.

kvinesknows		2011-02-23 03:38:51 PM

could someone explain why the cops refused to do anything at first?

Osomatic		2011-02-23 03:38:57 PM

I hope we don't semen doing more of this sort of thing.

KJUW89		2011-02-23 03:40:31 PM

Dead for Tax Reasons: what a jerk off

Nice.

/first saw 'tampering' as 'tampon' and was really confused...

misanthropic1		2011-02-23 03:41:19 PM

kvinesknows: coxinha: Jesus Christ. Sometimes I'm glad I'm ugly.

ProTip.

most of the time we dont actually care what you look like, we still wack off into your water bottle, shoes, socks, purse, hand soap, hand cream, jelly filled donut,

we pee sometimes too.

Then there's the dried-fecal-matter-sprinkled-in-salad-bar guy; he doesn't care who eats it, so long as someone does.

/wish I was making this up
//addressed in an old Savage Love, if you aren't already sufficiently horrified

John Mirror		2011-02-23 03:41:40 PM

This is now a thread about why white women never dates Asian man.

tortilla burger		2011-02-23 03:45:03 PM

He was trying to grow sea monkeys.

TommyymmoT		2011-02-23 03:45:30 PM

"It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone".

Yupper, that's a roger.
Your wife must be so proud of you, that she's bragging about you to all the other women at the church social.

Chances are, your parents are changing their names at this very moment.
I hope that poor woman got tested for AIDS, which she probably doesn't have, but there is no blood test for stupid.

JoeJitsu		2011-02-23 03:46:13 PM

Killer Cars: FirstNationalBastard: Also, FTFA:

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work.

Suuuuuuuuuuure. We'll go with that excuse.

I'm trying to imagine what my response would be if my SO asked me to jizz in her water bottle.

It should certainly take away some of her indignation the next time she caught you drinking straight from the milk jug.

kvinesknows		2011-02-23 03:46:24 PM

misanthropic1: kvinesknows: coxinha: Jesus Christ. Sometimes I'm glad I'm ugly.

ProTip.

most of the time we dont actually care what you look like, we still wack off into your water bottle, shoes, socks, purse, hand soap, hand cream, jelly filled donut,

we pee sometimes too.

Then there's the dried-fecal-matter-sprinkled-in-salad-bar guy; he doesn't care who eats it, so long as someone does.

/wish I was making this up
//addressed in an old Savage Love, if you aren't already sufficiently horrified

dont forget using the toilet paper without taking it off the roll and then rolling it back up.

Gaylord Fister		2011-02-23 03:46:31 PM

Meh, horseface.

Speaker2Animals		2011-02-23 03:47:33 PM

"Am I in trouble for this?" and "Am I going to get arrested for this?"

Two Hearted		2011-02-23 03:47:55 PM

TommyymmoT: but there is no blood test for stupid.

I think the test for stupid was to see if she would drink from the jizzy bottle more than once. She passed!

Or failed so very, very hard.

PYROY		2011-02-23 03:48:02 PM

Hope she doesn't notice.

BFletch651		2011-02-23 03:48:53 PM

Subbys choice was far from the best line in the article.

Another goodie:

"I saw her water bottle and I did it," Lallana says on the tape. "For me, it's a release. I think about my wife."

I love people. Just luv 'em.

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