Step 1: Move.

Lock car,

Slog home through snow.

Wait for Spring thaw.


/Alternatively, do what I did: buy a house with a garage, and don't drive in the snow.

1) Drink beer
2) Wait for warmer temperatures

Steal neighbor's snow shovel?

1. Forward
2. Reverse
3. Forward
4. Reverse
5. Forward
6. Reverse

Repeat until dislodged. Also works with penises.

oldebayer: Lock car,

Slog home through snow.

Wait for Spring thaw.


/Alternatively, do what I did: buy a house with a garage, and don't drive in the snow.

Unless the garage is in the alley and your root cellar is too small to last 'til spring.

1) Clear windows

2) Shovel until car can move.

1. Don't get stuck in snow in the first place.

who is dumb enough to actually need this information? i mean, really, are we just writing how-to guides for everything now?

next up, from the journal of the american medical association: "how to wipe your ass"

1. make sure you've taken a poo or it'll all be for naught.
2. are you done pooping? if not, wait until you're done.
3. once you're done pooping, find yourself a roll of toilet paper. no, computer paper won't do it, and using tissues or paper towels is just a terrible waste. There are so many different kinds of toilet paper, you'll want to try a few to find your favorite, or you can just buy whatever is cheapest.
4. you've found your toilet paper. now, you have to decide if you want to wad up your toilet paper or if you'd rather fold it. there are benefits to both methods, though the folding method is generally considered to be somewhat neater and ensures that you don't get the dreaded "poke-through."


....

and so on. I can't stand to write any more. I usually really like Jalopnik, when I read it, but this article is, as they say here in beantown, retahded.

Step 1: Park your car in your garage.

Works for me.

belhade: 1. Forward
2. Reverse
3. Forward
4. Reverse
5. Forward
6. Reverse

Repeat until dislodged. Also works with penises.

But I don't wanna dislodge my penis :(

Came here to say something about moving, but I was beat to it in the second post.

Best tool in the world for getting under the ice and packed down snow. Best 26 bucks I've ever spent on snow removal gear

/found it in the roofing section

I thought it was going to be These guys. (new window)

1)Put vehicle in 4WD.
2)Rip arse out of your snow cavern.
3)Find an open field or empty parking lot and do some victory donuts.

/I see this empty snow-covered field between my place of work and the arterial road that I want to spend some time doing dizzying circles in after work.

belhade: 1. Forward
2. Reverse
3. Forward
4. Reverse
5. Forward
6. Reverse

Repeat until dislodged. Also works with penises.

Heh. So that explains my luck after all these years of living in MN!

Yay me!

/Not saying which worked better
//Imma lady dammit!

you need to obtain the proper vehicle for the conditions...

You should carry a shovel, a bag of salt, and an ice scraper in your trunk, minimum. A warm blanket and some coveralls and a pair of boots, too. You never know when you might need them for yourself, or to help someone else. Add a good chain, jumpers if you don't already carry them. Forget about shoveling much snow. Just shovel what you need to get out of the space. Then brush/scrape the rest of the snow onto the street.

CleverGuy81: who is dumb enough to actually need this information?

Anyone from the South moving to Michigan. By my calculations, there are approximately 97 people on the internet who may find this to be sage advice.

1.Wait for the door to open
2. Step inside
3. Pay fare
4. Sit down

That was about as useful as an article on how to make toast.

Odd question, but I pondered this after the last heavy snow. Can I just make up a few gallons of salt water and pour them on the snow around me?

Sure, I might need 6-10 gallons or more, but that wouldn't be hard to do and would be far less strain on the back for most people.

step 1 : Live in Southern AZ

/don't have to shovel heat

What's up with the "warm the car interior before turning on the rear wire defroster"?



Also... I can't stress enough how much I hate the new Jalopnik layout. I've pretty much quit going over there because of it. It sucks.

Three words: four wheel drive.

/amateurs

All those steps, all that detail and yet and some how they left out the heart attack.

I'm getting a kick out of this link, reading it from South Florida

/Currently 79 degrees here in South Florida.

CleverGuy81: ho is dumb enough to actually need this information? i mean, really, are we just writing how-to guides for everything now?


I could have figured it out on my own, but in my 26 years on Earth I have never lived in a city that got more then half an inch of snow a year.

So it just isn't something I know how to cope with.

House of Tards:
1) Clear windows

2) Shovel until car can move.

3) Clear all the shiat of roof/hood/trunk. people behind you will thank you

4) Drive out

Step 1: Buy a Jeep.

If you need a guide, stay home.

Just got back from skiing powder since Saturday. No stuckage. Saw a guy roll his Canyonero outside Breckenridge. No injuries, totalled car. Thought it might have been a Farker. Anyone?

BTW skiing powder in Colorado is pretty incredible. Try it if you can.

gregscott: You should carry a shovel, a bag of salt...

Why salt? That is more expensive than kitty litter if all you want is traction.

ohm: Best tool in the world for getting under the ice and packed down snow. Best 26 bucks I've ever spent on snow removal gear

/found it in the roofing section

Used one of these to clear ice from my back deck... worked like a champ!!

Panty Sniffer: gregscott: You should carry a shovel, a bag of salt...

Why salt? That is more expensive than kitty litter if all you want is traction.

His note seems to assume you live 45 minutes from civilization which isn't the case most of the time.

belhade: 1. Forward
2. Reverse
3. Forward
4. Reverse
5. Forward
6. Reverse

Repeat until dislodged. Also works with penises.

Came her for this.

/You know what we call "snowpocalypse" here in Montana? Winter.

There is another step you should do before it is going to snow. Cover your car with salt and sand. This prevents ice buildup and can reduce the amount of snow that accumulates on your car. It also has this weird side effect of changing how your car looks. I think it's a pretty good idea.

belhade: 1. Forward
2. Reverse
3. Forward
4. Reverse
5. Forward
6. Reverse

It's amazing how many people can't accomplish this. Many a time I've watched others use the "forward, spin tires for 20 seconds, wait until car comes to complete stop, reverse, spin tires for 20 seconds..." technique. Attempts to correct them get the reply, "Yeah, that's what I'm doing." Now I just offer to drive out for them and then shut up until they allow me to.

Panty Sniffer: gregscott: You should carry a shovel, a bag of salt...

Why salt? That is more expensive than kitty litter if all you want is traction.

You use the salt to make ice cream to celebrate getting out of the snow.

YouPeopleAreCrazy: 3) Clear all the shiat of roof/hood/trunk. people behind you will thank you

Agreed, especially if you're an 18-wheeler.

In running for the fastest I've ever driven was when I was trying to pass some jerkoff in a big rig that was dropping a trail of snowballs behind him on I-80. (It was either follow behind him for who-knows-how-long (potentially a couple hundred miles) at more than 5 below the limit, or ignore the limit for a minute. (I understand it is probably quite difficult to clean one of those, but that guy so deserved a ticket.)

Anyway, I find that if I don't clear my own roof, I'll have snow blow down on the back window and disrupt my view. (I don't have a rear wiper, and this usually happens right away, before the window has time for the defogger to warm it.)

joonyer: If you need a guide, stay home.

Some years ago (mid 90's) coastal virginia was expecting a big snowstorm.
Local TV station had a call in show at the 6pm news.

One fool calls in and asks: "Do I need snow chains?"
If you need to ask that question, you need to stay your ass home.

/yes, we got a respectable amount for coastal VA
//15", mostly gone in 3 days

I'm a Texas that moved to Michigan last month.

Yes I actually read that hoping for some super secret wonder advice that made cleaning off my car every morning suck less.

/disappointed

evaned: In running for the fastest I've ever driven

BTW, I should say that even that was not that fast by most people's standards. In comparison to others on the road, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in the bottom half. But it was probably 15-20 over instead of my usual 5. Also, I rarely speed up when passing.

INeedAName: Odd question, but I pondered this after the last heavy snow. Can I just make up a few gallons of salt water and pour them on the snow around me?

Sure, I might need 6-10 gallons or more, but that wouldn't be hard to do and would be far less strain on the back for most people.

You're gonna need a lot more than 10 gallons to do it that way. The salt works by freezing point point depression. If it's really cold, it won't work that well, it will just sit on top because you need a lot of salt to get the job done.


Is any of this news? It condenses to "shovel early, shovel often". Seriously, there is no easy way to get out of snow removal. During snowpocalyse I had to shovel easily more than 1000 cubic feet of snow. My back never forgave me.

blondski: I'm a Texas that moved to Michigan last month.

Yes I actually read that hoping for some super secret wonder advice that made cleaning off my car every morning suck less.

/disappointed

1) Start car
2) Put car in Drive or 1st
3) Drive car into garage
4) Close garage door

/no garage
//I didn't even own an ice scraper before this January.

Yeah I drive slow.