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(Some Guy)   Funny letter from a dissatisfied NTL customer   ( divider line
    More: Hero  
•       •       •

25901 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jul 2003 at 10:38 AM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

69 Comments     (+0 »)

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2003-07-19 09:22:29 AM  
that was beautiful...kudos
2003-07-19 09:34:59 AM  
I can't seem to bring it up -- farked already?
2003-07-19 10:46:00 AM  
Farked already, i think.
2003-07-19 10:47:53 AM  
Aye, it's farked. Damn.
2003-07-19 10:53:10 AM  
2003-07-19 10:59:36 AM  
Wow 1 post in and its farked. wtf.
2003-07-19 11:04:11 AM  
Maybe the site was using NTL as well?
2003-07-19 11:06:15 AM  
Text, anyone?
2003-07-19 11:09:07 AM  
Can someone cut and paste it here please?
2003-07-19 11:15:32 AM  
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shiat, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum: incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,
2003-07-19 11:17:23 AM  
there was no signature
2003-07-19 11:19:07 AM  
Hey! Where can I get me one of those Scottish Robot women?

(thanks for the C&P)
2003-07-19 11:26:56 AM  
I'm assuming the signature was erased to procect the poor guy from further torture.
2003-07-19 11:27:49 AM  
I'm not quite clear on his feelings towards NTL. Can anyone help?
2003-07-19 11:34:06 AM  
torture? this man deserves a medal!!!
2003-07-19 11:34:49 AM  

Thanks josey_cuervo
2003-07-19 11:34:53 AM  
Ah, typical customers...where does he get off wanting service? That's but a by-product. The "service" is NTL jerking him around, and they apparently did a damn good job in this case. Kudos.
2003-07-19 11:35:33 AM  
Hahaha, that was great. I could use that guy to send a email for the decals I bought and never received (the guy claims he shipped them on June 20th). Quite inspirational. I think I'll write that email now.
2003-07-19 11:35:34 AM  
Someone I know how problems with NTL too, apparently, he has a whole bulletin board dedicated to it.

Link opens in a new window.
2003-07-19 12:20:52 PM  
This letter is as old as my fat arse but still funny.
2003-07-19 12:24:54 PM  
Its a cable company, what did he expect?
2003-07-19 12:25:50 PM  
What, pray tell, is NTL exactly?
2003-07-19 12:37:22 PM  
I aspire to crush souls like that one day.
2003-07-19 12:37:50 PM  
Telecomms provider
2003-07-19 12:39:02 PM
2003-07-19 12:41:05 PM  
Sounds like one of the many complaint letters I've written.
2003-07-19 12:46:14 PM  

Dude, you have some free time today? Didn't read youe post as can't get link (farked) just saw lots.

2003-07-19 12:48:18 PM  
Dear Drew, Mike, and co.

For the past week or so, Fark has been friggin' slow due to a wonky database server. I don't believe I'm getting what I pay for, and 1-800-FARK-YOU doesn't seem to be working.

I mean, Fark is back to normal, yaayyyyy!
2003-07-19 12:48:47 PM  
God I hate cable companies. Granted, I've never lived overseas, but I've had cable in 4 states (each a different company) and service has been simply horrid for every single provider.

On top of that, since they monopolize the regional markets, you don't have any choice but to go with them if you'd like to get cable television or broadband internet access. They are sleazy, incompetent, and utterly ignorant to their customers issues/problems/needs.

Could you imagine how cheap you really SHOULD be able to get cable tv access if there were competing companies in your area? It's mind boggling that it costs over $50/month to watch freakin' ESPN.

The same goes for all phone companies. Actually, the same can be said for most all utility providers. You know, essentially every company you HAVE to deal with if you own/rent and wish to have contact with the outside world.
2003-07-19 12:50:15 PM  
after my phone service was slammed by AT&T, i went through the exact same amount of torture for weeks by both AT&T, and my current phone and DSL service provider. it brought back such pain to read his letter. He was right about screaming at the hold music, as i have done that too, thinking maybe someone would hear my cries for help.
2003-07-19 12:51:27 PM  
off topic,
Thanks for getting it fixed Mike!!!

Drew is too busy today playing daddy!
2003-07-19 12:53:13 PM  
Jeezus Christ, the season's been over for months and this guy is still complaining? If he's so damn unhappy why doesn't he try watching Arena Football, he'll soon learn to appreciate the real thing unconditionally and keep his mouth shut.
2003-07-19 12:56:23 PM  
2003-07-19 12:58:30 PM  
I guess cable companies are incompetent the world over. The only well-managed ones I've ever experienced have been small, local companies that actually give a damn about their customers. Of course, they have all been bought out now by the big monsters.
2003-07-19 12:58:59 PM  
NTL are well known in the UK for their crap customer service. Even going so far as to buying a website set up to criticise them then shutting down the users forum:

Fresh twist in nthellworld protest site saga
2003-07-19 01:05:35 PM  
Ah.. You have never seen ignorance until you have had two cable service employees in your home arguing with each other over the difference between a bit and a byte..

"there are two bits to a byte", "no there is 4 bits to a byte"... Try eight eight k/b to a K/B..You morons !!

/shoot me

2003-07-19 01:12:47 PM  
Christ. I can see why the guy's so pissed off. NTL sounds just like my AT&T Comcast shiatty service (God help me, there's no other damn service in this area. *sigh*).
2003-07-19 01:19:50 PM  
I was with NTL when I lived in the UK.. they were terrible. I got a cable modem from them though. Someone was supposed to pick it up when I was leaving the UK but no one ever showed up. thanks!
2003-07-19 01:26:50 PM  
That's probably the funniest thing I've ever read.

2003-07-19 01:29:45 PM  
I love this man's command of the English language!

All cable companies suck the big one; I used to have a cable modem until ComCast took over and immediately penalized me for not having their lousy TV service. Fortunately cheaper DSL (SBC/Yahoo) is available for me, so though I sacrifice about 1/3 the speed I save $21 per month.

Bite me ComCast!
2003-07-19 01:39:56 PM  
Blessed are those that expect nothing, for they will not be disappointed.
2003-07-19 01:44:28 PM  
I feel this gentleman's pain. Charter "Communications" is complete crap. They randomly shut down the internet connection for hours at a time. I couldn't send an English paper because of it. grrrrrrrr
2003-07-19 01:45:33 PM  
Don't EVEN get me going about AT&T. They're the absolute golden best in shiatty customer service. This kinda crap gets my blood going and I'm just not up to a rant right now. not yet
2003-07-19 01:49:45 PM  
Oh, how I love the Brits. His predicament reminds me of some of my own suffering (cough cough *Qwest* cough cough)
2003-07-19 01:53:44 PM  
My experience with NTL has been pretty good.
Except for when the guy who wired me up for broadband left me without installing anything on my computer - as he is meant to. Thankfully I knew what I was doing, so I could do it myself, but if I'd been some old biddy I would have been completely lost.
Oh, and except for the time when my connection mysteriously went down every day for a week between the hours of 4pm and 10pm on the dot. They said they didn't know what the problem could be, and when I eventually persuaded them to send someone he discovered that one of their dumbass engineers, while installing cable for the neighbours, had somehow switched me to the setting where your connection is cut off for 6 hours every day.
Apart from that, my experience with the cretins has been reasonably good.
2003-07-19 02:03:18 PM  
Comcast has pretty good customer service.
2003-07-19 02:08:23 PM  
The William Shakespeare of complaint letters.

I am simply stunned.
2003-07-19 02:09:04 PM  
This is actually rather old - I recall reading this well over a year ago.
2003-07-19 02:16:10 PM  
This is great. The only rant I've ever read that was even close was one that mentioned "words like tiny rolled-up balls of shiat" or something like that. Awesome. I'll have to work on my technique.
2003-07-19 02:29:09 PM  
it's so cathartic writing letters like this to companies that piss you off... a while back I sent one to my Webhost.

I have sent several emails to Crazy Hosting and tried to contact you via the instant messenger services your site swears you're always on to no avail. I am almost ready to contact you via the long distance telephone number you have listed on the site, along with the demand that I not abuse it. I'm choosing to wait on this option as I'm afraid you answer your phone the same way you answer your email, and I only get 60 hours of long distance a month.

Have you attempted to contact me? Should I be waiting by my mailbox for a ransom note made up of words and letters cut from the pages of the Highlights magazines I'm sure litter your office? Should I bid on the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring I saw on Ebay so that I may decipher any contact you do make with me, just in case it's in whatever code the last email was in? Should I stand outside and watch for smoke signals? I sure hope not, it's kind of smoggy around here.
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