The first 5 great quotes that come to mind:

1)
Homer: The human wang is a beautiful thing.

2)
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Attendant: What's your first name, Mr. Burns?
Homer: I ... don't ... know.

3)
Clerk: I must warn you, the doll is cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Clerk: But it comes with a free frozen yogurt which I call, "Frogurt."
Homer: That's good.
Clerk: But the frogurt is cursed!
Homer: That's bad.
Clerk: But it comes with your choice of topping!
Homer: That's good.
Clerk: But the toppings contain potassium benzoate!
Homer: (Silence)
Clerk: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

4)
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

5)
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh ... ooh ... yeah ... right, Lisa. A wonderful ... magical animal.

"The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dailing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Homer: "No beer and no tv make homer...something something."
Marge: "...go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if i DO!"

Flanders: I think we hit something
Homer: I hope it was Flanders!

Homer: Um...let me have one of those porno magazines...a large box of condoms...a bottle of Old Harper...a couple of those panty sheilds...and one of those disposable enemas. Ah, make it two.

Marge (later): Gee, I don't know what you've got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out.

"D'oh!"

"a Deer!"

"a Female Deer!"

Cracks me up every time.

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."

Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a Little Brother?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!
Homer's mouth: Uh, revenge?
Homer's brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here. [footsteps, and a door slam]

Ralph: Hello, Super Nintendo Chalmers

Also from probably my favorite Treehouse of Horror:

"My fellow Americans, as a young boy I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward! Upward, not forward! And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!!!" --- Kang (as Bill Clinton)

It really is difficult to select a best quote or defining quote from the Simpsons. There are quotes that are hilarious just for silliness, and quotes that are great at poking fun at politics, reglion, pop culture, or just about anything.

But who can forget the great episode with the yard sale before George Bush the first moved in down the street.

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah T-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.

Homer: But, Marge! It works on _any_ Ayatollah: Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi...even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmada and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.

"Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- 'conquered' if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."
-- Kent Brockman

Ralphie: "It tastes like...burning"

Classic Grandpa:

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

I can't believe anyone hasn't dropped this one in yet;

Groundskeeper Willie takes over French class and yells "Alright, settle down you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!"

Classic...

Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house.
Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think her name is Mother Shabubu now.

Raplh Wiggum: I bent my Wookie!

Now with Voting!

[1F19] The Boy Who Knew Too Much

Bart sits in the front row looking at the members of the jury.

[Skinner scowls at Bart from the jury box]

Skinner: [thinking] I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I found out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you head me. I _think_ words I would never say.

Homer: [thinking] I know you can read _my_ thoughts, boy. [singing]Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...

Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly]
(A long time later)
Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! (stomps on Homer's foot a few times)
Homer: [stares blankly, then whispers to other agent] I think he's talking to you.

Hank Scorpio: "What's your least favorite country: Italy or France?"
Homer: "France."
Hank Scorpio: "Ha! No one ever says Italy!"

"I'm a level 4 vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow."

Bart: [whining] Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs up]

Homer, when explaining to Marge why he still had his handgun:

"But Marge, I swear to you - I never thought you'd find out!"

my cat's breath smells like cat food

SAVE ME JEBUS! SAVE ME JEBUS!

Grandpa: "The metric system is the tool of the devil. My car gets 40 rods to the hogs head and that's the way I like it!"

Homer: I've got a friend, um, named... Joey Jo Jo Junior... Shabidoo.

Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.

*man runs out crying*

Barney: Joey Jo Jo!

Don't know if this was posted yet.

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace 'kinda' with 'repeatedly' and 'dog' with 'son'.

Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...

See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,

Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.

Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,

So let's prepare these dogs,
[Kill two for matching clogs,]
See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest

(a little long, but hilarious)
Homer, the inventor. . .
Homer: Now, this next one's for the ladies. How many times have you
gals been late for a high-powered business meeting, only to
realize you're not wearing make-up?
Marge: That's every woman's nightmare.
Homer: That's why I invented this revolutionary make-up gun. It's
for the woman who only has four-fifths of a second to get
ready. Close your eyes, Marge.
[Homer fires the make-up gun, which appears to be a shotgun
with some containers of liquid attached, into Marge's face.
After the cloud of dust vanishes, she ends up with way too
much on]
Homer: Now you're ready for a night on the town. [holds up a
mirror]
Marge: [gasps] Homer! You've got it set on "whore".
Homer: Okay, this time try to keep your nostrils closed.
[Homer points the gun at her, but she pushes it away from her
face. A vaguely face-shaped blotch of make-up stains the
wall]
Homer: Oh, look what you did. Now I have to go get my cold-cream
gun.
Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like!

"Because you NEED me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king."

"No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it."


Ralph: How come you're not at work? Wiggum: How come you're not at school?
Ralph: My teacher says she's tired of trying!

I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs!

Moe: And we're taking your favorite record out of the jukebox.
Homer: It's Raining Men?!
Moe: Yeah well not no more it aint.

"No one cuddles with Max Power! You strap yourself in and feel the G's!"

Dentist: How many times a day to you brush, Ralph?
Ralph: 3 times sir
Dentist: Why do you have to turn my office into a house of lies?
"When I grow up, I wanna be a prinicipal or a caterpillar"

Giving someone an equal oportunity, even though they clearly are not equal is called what class...

Communism!

My three favorite episodes, lisa on ice
Homer: [makes negative mumbling noises at Lisa] I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting -- [spots Uter]
[guffaws] Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel?
[chases Uter, laughing] Come here, you butterball.
Uter: [screams] Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate

and ...

Homer: Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

Deep Space Homer

Homer: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later." And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going
into space right now!

and finally Duffless!!

HMarge: Please, Homey, I know you can do this.
Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
[puts the light out. We can hear the sound of a can popping
open]
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."
omer: ...so they say I might have a problem.
[finishes brushing his teeth, and polishes off a bottle of that
wonderful Duff]
Marge: [reading from a pamphlet entitled, "Is Your Spouse a Souse?"]
Homey, do you ever drink alone?
Homer: Does the Lord count as a person?
Marge: No.
Homer: Then yes.
Marge: Do you need a beer to fall asleep?
Homer: Thank you, that'd be nice.
Marge: Do you ever hide beer around the house?
Homer: Do I ever!
[fetches a beer from its hiding place in the toilet tank, and
takes a swig] Ahhhh.
Marge: Do you ever drink to escape from reality.
Homer: [looks in the mirror and imagines himself as a big muscular guy]
[to "Can-Can"] Duhh, duh duh duh duh duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh
duuh duuh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh...
Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: .... Deer.

sorry, long =) best show ever

"Worst episode ever"

Also,
On the episode of Smithers' father being found in the quarry, when they go up the pipe and start to open it and Mr. Burns says
What are you doing in my corpse hatch?!
Wiggum: Mr. Burns you're under arrest for murder
Burns: Did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube...

Also anything with Hank Scorpio..that whole sugar thing

SAX-A-MA-PHONE

now with voting.


Hank Scorpio:Homer, I am very proud of you. When you go home tonight, there's going to ge another story on your house!

hehe.... funny globex corp site: http://globex.frinky.com

Lisa: Didn't you wonder why you were getting those checks in the mail for doing nothing?

Grandpa: I thought its because the Democrats were in power again.

Homer: "Mmmmm......64 slices of American Cheese! 64.....63...."

(cut to that morning)

Homer: "2....1....."
Marge: "Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?"
Homer "I think I'm blind!"

Homer: "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals.....except the weasel."

Abe Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is NOT a porn star!

Bart: [crying]
Homer: [sympathetically] "There, there...shutup boy."

(Dramatic) But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds! (the missile closes in on him) Oohh, I've wasted my life...
-- Comic Book Guy, "Treehouse of Horror VIII"

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns.
Bank Teller: Alright Mr. Burns, what's you're first name?
Homer: I don't know...

Professor Frink:

"I predict that within 100 years computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them."

Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

(If someone else posted this by the time I hit "add comment", I apologize)

At the apple farm, Homer is listening to Flanders drone on about how to tell the difference between cider and juice.

Homer's Brain: "That's it, I'm outta here."
*brain floats away, leaving Homer's body to fall lifelessly to the floor*

Kwijobo. A fat dumb balding ape with a bad temper.

Uh oh Kwijibo on the loose!

They hoist Homer out of the canyon after his failed attempt to jump it on Bart's skateboard. His head is hitting every rock as they lift him out. They load him into the ambulance, the siren starts, it drives not more than 5 feet, crashes into the wall, the back doors fly open, Homer's stretcher flies out and back down the canyon.

Marge: "Are you sitting on the pie, Grandpa?"


Grandpa: "I sure hope so."

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Homer buying illegal fireworks (spoof of American Grafiti)

Homer's Brain:"Just act like you buy illegal fireworks all the time"

"Uh, yeah, give me a large box of condoms, that nudey magazine, a bottle of Old Harper, some panty shields, some illegal fireworks, and a disposable enima, naw make it two".

Convienence Store Worker: "Sir, the sale of illegal fireworks is prohibited in this state and is punnishable by...(waits for other customer to walk out)...Follow me".

Later...
Marge:(unpacking the groceries)"Homer, I don't know what you have planned tonight but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat"?

Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

I'm going outside.....to....stalk...Lennie and Carl

-all classics-

"kids you tried your best and you failed miserably the lesson is never try"

I'm paraphrasing here so bear with me. Also if someone else posted this... Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

('Treehouse of horror VII' - Episode in which aliens abduct and impersonate Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.)
*Speaking before a large rally*

"Abortions for all!"
*crowd boos*
"Very well... Abortions for none!"
*crowd boos*
"Hmm... Abortions for some... Miniature American flags for others!"
*crowd cheers and applauds*

ah, the luftwaffe. the washington generals of the history channel

Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

As intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down.
Look, I made a graph. I make lots of graphs. -Lisa

"Dental plan!"
"Lisa needs braces!"
"Dental plan!"
"Lisa needs braces!"

-definately the best episode of them all.

Grandpa: I'm going to the outhouse.

Homer: Wait a minute... we don't have an outhouse. OH NO!! THE TOOLSHED!!!

A couple scenes later Homer is seen hosing out the toolshed.

Mr. Burns recently had a line that was sublimely absurd; I couldn't help but laugh for some-odd minutes. It is, of course, vastly funnier with the vocals supporting it:

"It seems the caterpillar has emerged from it's cocoon... as a shark... with a gun for a mouth"

"Strange new feelings brewing inside of Duffman! What would Jesus do!"

(Now with voting)

Homer: (singing) "I am so smart, S-M-R-T.."

Homer: "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

The sequence that starts with Homer and Marge in the mini golf naked, and they feel around and grab homer's underpants, and that sets off the chase scene through the used car lot, up holding onto the hot-air balloon, and that ends with Homer's naked butt scraping against the glass of the large church, in front of everybody.

"Oh don't worry it's inflammable"
--explosion--
"Inflammable means flammable? What a country!"

Oats420: You are immensely stupid. Not only is the bus driver's name "Otto", not "Auto"; if you even understood your favorite Simpsons quote or learned how to spell, you'd realize that "Auto" is definitely not "Auto" backwards.

Here is a person who is not intelligent enough to understand the most basic humor from The Simpsons.

Vote to add one more intelligent person to the world.

"You know, I never heard the word enbiigins until I moved to Springfield."

"I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word"

"we the jury, in the case Orenthal James Simpson, do hereby find him not guilty of first degree murder."

funniest simpson line ever.

Bart: April F-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Simpsons vs. Tokyo

Toilet: I will be happy to receive your waste.
Homer: Wow, they're years ahead of us!
(Bart turns on TV, toilet cam view of Homer)
Bart: Mom look! Dad's on TV!
(zoom to homer taking off his pants, sitting down on toilet)
Homer: Aaaaaahhhhhh.
Bart, Marge, Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

---

Sea Captain: We must save our precious cargo!
Sailor: You mean the hot pants?
Sea Captain: Arrrr, yes, the hotpants.

Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!
Shelby's dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!

Ralph's best:
-"Me fail English? That's unpossible"
-"This is my swingset and this is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. Over there is where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things"
-"I bent my wookie"
-"The doctor said my nose wouldn't bleed so much if I'd just keep my finger outta there"

Homer:
-"My bologna has a first name it's H-O-M-E-R. My bologna has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R."
-"I am so smart S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T"
-Mr. Burns:"There is no muscle stronger than the human heart..."
Homer:"What about the Weiner? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his."
-"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women"
-"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?"

I've got more but that should be good for now.

*Now with Voting*

Personal favorite, from the "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 2"

Sideshow Mel: Chief! You have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Alright Dr. Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from death mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there!

Stupid sexy Flanders.

Homer: "Blah blah, beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to that...place........where..........our beds and tv...........is."

Homer: Hi Mr. Scorpio... Do you have any sugar for my coffee?
*scorpio reaches into pockets fumbles around*
Scorpio: Yeah
*scorpio pulls out a big lump of sugar*
Scorpio: Yeah here it is... sorry its not in packets.

"Quick. What's the number for 911?"

Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

The congregation singing "In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida"

Lovejoy: Today's hymn is "In the Garden of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly.

[singing]

Lovejoy: Wait a minute, this sounds like Rock and/or Roll!


Bart sells his soul to Milhouse...

Bart: Thanks, Chummmmmmmm p

From the episode "Triolgy of Error," the Run Lola Run parody:

Lisa is late for the science fair with Linguo the grammar bot, and accidentialy goes to West Springfield Elementary, running into a French class.

All the kids laugh: Ha ha ha ha.
[Teacher] En franais!
All the kids laugh: Hohn hohn hohn hohn.

Editor: Hey listen, I just had a thought. We're looking for a new
food critic. Someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh
everything he eats.
Homer: No, it usually takes a few hours.

Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?

Lisa : Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Homer's Brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.

Homer: Takes one to know one.

Homer's Brain: Swish!


Way too many to decide which is best.

Went something like this:

(Homer and Lisa sitting on the couch watching TV)
Lisa: What is that crap? This cartoon is so unreal!
Homer: Thats because its a cartoon honey, sometimes they can get away with these things.

(Another Homer walks by the window outside whistling)

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
- Homer Simpson

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
- Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step towards failure.
- Homer Simpson

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.
- Homer Simpson

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Homer Simpson


Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
- Homer Simpson

Ralph: (Looking aa Homer without a shirt) "That man has boobies like Mommy!"

Wiggums: "-grunt- I wish."

Sideshow Bob and the rakes.

Homer: Oh Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's all go to that building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is."

Classic.

When Ralphie Wiggum says,
"Why does everybody run away from me?"

Then he stands there with a smile on his face, peeing his pants.

No one who speaks German can be evil.

Simpsons join the Movementarians:

Jane: It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the leader.
Homer: Who the hell is that, some kind of leader?

"Simpson! Homer Simpson!"
"He's the greatest guy in history.
"From the...town of Springfield,
"He's about to hit a chestnut tree... Doh!"

Monty: Fool! Use an opened face club! A sand wedge!

Homer: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...openfaced club sandwich

Troy MacClure and the Dr. Zaius song.

Buzz Aldrin - "Careful! They're ruffled!"

Snake - "Oh no...Beta."

Lisa - "We got BEETS!"

Homer - "Dear Marge...You got a butt that won't quit. They got these soft chewy pretzels here............FIVE DOLLARS? Get out of here."

Homer - "So I says to the guy 'Yeah? Well if you want that money come and get it, cause I don't have it, ya baloney. You make me wanna wretch...'"

Trent Steele - "Oh, hey, great name!"
Homer/Max Power - "Thanks. I got it from a hair dryer."

"Whoa! Whoa! A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies."

-Salesman at gadget shop when Comic Book Guy tries to return a door prize he won at a Star Trek convention.

Ralph: And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life

Teacher: Thank you Ralph, very graphic

"Oh, a sarcasm detector! How useful!" - Comic Store Guy

"Indian Airlines - We treat you like cattle" - Poster when Apu and Homer go to see the head of Kwik-E-Mart

And for all my fellow geeks out there...

"Oh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a deadly combination." -Comic Book Guy

homer (sleeping):AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHh....CCOOOOBBBRRRAAASSS
teacher: bart, whats wrong with your father ?
bart: oh. thats just his night terrors.

(w/voting)

Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa/Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

The Old Springfield vs. New Springfield episode...

Homer dams up the river to Old Springfield, but Old Springfield discovers gold and riches in the riverbed.

Kent Brockman goes on the air, looking like Mr. T and says; "We're all taking Golden Showers here in Old Springfield.".

How'd that one get by the sensors?

poochie: and remember kids, always recycle...TO THE EXTREME!

lionel hutz: well I lost your case so your pizza is free.
marge: but you won our case!
lionel hutz: that's ok...the box is empty!

Lou: signs floatin' away, chief.

and my favorite...
homer taking a bath...bart enters and smashes a chair over homers back...
Homer: AAHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
Bart: geeez, pretty standard stunt, Homer.

Bart in the cafeteria..
(snap) oh, my bones are so brittle...why? I've been drinking plenty of.....MALK???????

When homer went to clown college and went to entertain at milhouse's party and crashed into a tree in his yard but did not fly out the windshield until about 3 seconds later.

Homer: You know, I've had alot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, immitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, smithers, poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, kwik-e-mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

or

Homer: TV raised me and I turned out TV.

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [splice] her sweet [splice] can. [splice] -- o I grab her -- [splice] sweet can. [splice] Oh, just thinking about [splice] her [splice] can [splice] I just wish I had he -- [splice] sweet [splice] sweet [splice] s-s-sweet [splice] can.

Sideshow Bob: "Oh come, now. You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?"
Cecil: "I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way."

Homer: And what good is an education going to do me, everytime I learn something, it pushes old stuff out of my brain.
Marge: It does not.
Homer: Remember that time I took the homewinemaking course and I forgot how to drive.
Marge: Thats because you were drunk
Homer: And how

Classic

Lemon of Troy

Bart: No not in my mouth! Ahhhh is what the kid would say - to the buffs!

Milhouse: Quit copying me!

Marge: It's almost lunch time. Do you know where your brother is tutoring?
Lisa: Pfft. Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerilla combat in Shelbyville.
Marge: Well, do you have a number where we can reach him?
Lisa: No, Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville!
Marge: [gasps]
Homer! Come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

Martin: OK, piglet, start squealing. Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade?
Boy: Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!
Brother: Hey, nobody hassles my little brother.
Martin: Hey! And no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Mundt. Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!
[long pause; the kids look around]
Nelson: Aw, jeez. I never hang out with him, normally.
[throws the brother off Martin]
Martin: [skipping around Nelson and singing] Hark to the tale of Nelson, and the boy he loved so dear. [Nelson takes a swipe at him but misses] They remained the best of friends For years and years and years.

Bart: Keep your voices down, boys: we didn't come this far to get found out.
Homer: [parting the bushes] Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble, running away from home like this!
Bart: But they stole our lemon tree.
Homer: I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's going to stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna -- lemon tree?!

So many more.

Once again!

Homer: I wanna set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer to Lisa: "Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained in the yard is cruel. Shouting in his ear is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel.. Well, pardon me if I'm cruel"

or

Lisa to Homer: "Ya know, Dad, it's easy to critcize.."

Homer: "Fun, too!"

Bart: "My heart hurts!"
Homer: "Quit complainin' boy, and butter that bacon."

Ok, there are already WAY too many comments, but this one sticks in my head for some reason:

"I ... HATE ... YOU ... WALT ... FREAKIN ... WHITMAN ... Leaves of Grass my ASS"

"Ve Chermans are not all zmiles und zunshine."

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. No truth-handler you! Bah! I deried your truth-handling abilities!

There was once a man with long hair and radical ideas and he didn't always do what people said, and his name was...I forget.

Lisa: Jesus?

Homer: No, that's not it. Anyway, the moral of the story is...I forget that too. Marge! You know who I'm talking about. He drives that blue car.

Gay Roommate #1: I'm not quite sure on taking Homer as a roommate.
Gay Roommate #2: It's either him or that weird woman who put "Mother Earth" as her only reference. Plus, we'll be able to walk around naked without bothering anyone.
Homer, walking into the kitchen naked: I'm glad you brought it up.

Space Aliens! Don't eat me I have a wife and Kids, eat them!

Milhouse: "never bet against the 'house"

Homer

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

The episode where Aunt Selma tries to babysit Bart and Lisa and takes them to Duffland. Two classic bits:

1) The "Duff", "Duff Lite", and "Duff Dry" taps that are all coming off of the same pipe.

2) Lisa falling into the "Tunnel of Duff" beer-river and going on a REALLY bad trip, freaking out and finally yelling "The Lizards! The Lizards!" as they rescue her.

In the Funzo Christmas Episode.

Lisa brings Malibu Stacy out to play with Funzo. Funzo rips the head off Stacy, then procedes to do the same to Barts Krusty Doll.

Lisa: My god, Funzo is programmed to destroy the competition!
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Exactly!

/Sorry for the lead-in and to anyone who may have already posted this.

(Homer's only love letter to Marge, a postcard from the Duff Brewery)
"Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit. They got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr...... five dollars??!!!? get outta here... "
-8F16 Bart the Lover

Homer: Oh, I like food alright ...
[Homer breaks into song]
I like pizza, I like bagels,
I like hot gods with mustard and beer
Editor: I get the picture
Homer: [continues, ignoring him]
I'll eat eggplant,
I could even eat a baby deer
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Who's that baby deer on the lawn there?
Editor: Enough already!
Homer: Sorry.

*homer at gun shop pointing an empty gun at owners face and pulling the trigger really fast*

Owner: whoa, careful there annie oakley
homer: i dan't have to be careful, i've got a gun
owner:well you'll probly want the accessory kit, holster, scilencer, loudener, bandaler, speedcaulker
homer: oh i like the sound of that
owner: and this one here is for shooting down police helocopters
Homer: i don't need anything like that......yet. just give me my gun
owner: sorry the law requires a five day waiting period, we've got to run a backround check.
homer:aww five days?! but im mad now. *sinister voice* id kill you if i had my gun
owner: yeah, well you don't

Best. Quote. Ever



(Homer is throwing peanuts in the air and catching them with his mouth, one falls under the couch. Homer has his hand under the couch trying to find it)

Homer (just before throwing the last peanut and gets under the couch): "aawwww the last peanut, dripping with salt and oil of its departed bearthen"

(starts looking under couch)

Homer: "eeewwww slimy"
Homer: "hairy"
Homer: "ALIVE!!"
Homer: "ooohhh 20 dollars, i wanted a peanut"
Homer's brain: "Quiet fool, 20 dollars can buy many peanuts
Homer: "Explain how"
Homer's brain: "money can be exchanged for goods and services"



now with voting!

Most of my favorites have been used but here's one.

Homer (to bart) I'm intrigued by your views and wish to subscribe to your newsletter

Apu (to Reverend Lovejoy): There are 600 million Hindus in the world.
Rev. Lovejoy: Awww, that's super!

And,

Apu (to Homer): Please do not be feeding my god peanuts!

Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams door]
[sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic
[slams door]

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day."

"I've captured a wee girl! I'm the greatest hero in English history!"
(Groundskeeper Willy in the Joan of Arc Vignette)

"AH! A hungry hungry hippo!"

"Awww...why did I have a slap a guy that says 'sah'?"

"Dad's you're sinking"
"Get a rope Bart!"
"Naw, that's ok, I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I'll reach in and pull my legs out...now, I'll pull my arms out, with my face!"


"What are we gonna do?"
"Clean the field!"
"Why are gonna do it?"
"Liberal Guilt!"

"Duffman can't die! Only the actors that play him!"

Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.

Burns: I ought to club them and eat their BONES!

When the cranyon stuck into Homer's brain got removed and he suddenly got very smart. Towards the end of the show he goes to Moe for an illegal operation: to re-insert the cranyon into his brain thru his nose. As Moe kept hammering the cranyon, Homer kept saying dumber and dumber things. His last two:

1. De-fense. Hoo-hoo
2. Extended warranty? How could I lose?

Lenny: Geez Homer, I would have thought a guy with two wives would be happy.
Carl: No, you're thinking of someone with two knives.
Moe: (standing with two knives) I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. hahaha YEA!


The shot of Moe holding the knives is priceless...

Skinner to Bart: "I finally have time
to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel.
Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are
brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call
it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding sir. First you think of an
idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title
that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this
through...
[later]...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months!
Every magazine cover had...
[later]...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were
you thinking?! [realizing] I mean, thank you, come again.

ArtFleming - Thanks a lot...I wanted to do this one too from the sugar episode...

Homer: "I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers,' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about 'What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?'"

Milhouse to Bart about Santa's Little Helper...

Milhouse: "Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had a goldfish? Well then why did I have the bowl, Bart? WHY did I have the bowl??"


By the way - What episode is the "In america, first you get the sugar, then you get the women, then you get the power." quote from? All I can remember is that homer steals sugar from an overturned sugar truck.

Marge: It's alright. Everybody has a fear of something.
Homer: (somewhat cockily) Not EVERYONE...
Marge: Sock puppets!
Homer: Where?! WHERE?!?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

Now, whenever any one gets wood, they will think of Trojans.

Now with voting. Mods, please delete my previous post.

Robert Goulet: "Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager..."
Nelson Muntz: "Your manager says for you to SHUT UP!"
Robert Goulet: "Very said THAT?"

Late and buried, but what the hey:

Max Power: There's three ways to do things, kids! The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Lisa: Isn't that the wrong way?
Max Power: Yes, but faster!

During the Duff Beer best bartender contest:

Titalia (Big breasted blonde): "But you said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!"

Duffman: "Duffman says a lot of things! Oooohhh Yeahhhh!"

From The Brother From Another Series (#4F14)

Cecil is preparing to blow up the dam, running through a checklist and Bart jumps on him, and says,

Bart: Guess who!
Cecil:Maris?

Got to have watched Fraser to get it.

Homer is on the 'weird island' after he is captured as 'Mr. X'. They then send a replacement homer to live with the rest of the Simpson clan. Fake homer walks in:
[bart]There is something different about you
[fake homer, thick german accent] Uhh, new tie i'm vearing

later..
[fake homer, to marge]How about we go to a sensibly priced restaurant, and then have some efficient german sex

"Ohhh the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared, the Germans!"

Homer, after many beers while trying to explain the birds and the bees to Bart: ".....so any way I says to him, I says if you want that money, you can come find it, 'cause I dont know where it is, ya baloney. You make me wanna wretch."

Homer as a food critic:

[homer, to marge] this meal is all shake and bake
[marge] I thought you liked shake and bake, you used to put it in your coffee

So I says to Mabel I says...

Marge: "Homer, you'll kill us all!"
Homer: "or die trying."

Mr Burns: $14 dollars, and 10...11...12 cents, there you go!

Delivery guy: You know sir, tipping is customary.

Mr. Burns: Ohhh, me sorry, me no speakee chinee.

Kent Brockman: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house...you could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one.
Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down! (realizing) Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!

Space: The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: Maintaining bladder control.

Captain's Log, Stardate 6051: Had trouble sleeping last night; my hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens.

-- ``Star Trek XII: So Very Tired''

Lisa: "Good old predictable Bart."

Bart: "Good old rock. Nothing beats that!"

Homer eats Guatamalan insanity peppers.

"...it smells like Otto's jacket. "

(hullabalooza episode)

Homer: "I know you can't hear MY thoughts boy, Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow..."

Mmmmmm . . . floor pie . . .

Radio traffic guy: There's a mattress on the freeway, it looks like JOAN COLLINS must be in town!

Homer: Joan Collins! That girl sleeps with everybody!

P.S. - I am gay.

No one thought of this one?

Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Burns: We *know* what you think!

From the king kong one where they are on the ship.

Homer: Bless this rocket house and all who dwell in this rocket house.

Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He coming onto me!
Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Kent Brockman wins the lottery:

Homer: "He may have a alot of money, but there's some things he CAN'T buy."
Marge: "Like what?"
Homer: "........a DINOSAUR."

Bart: It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them...as is my understanding

Mr Burns "I've said too much... Smithers, get the Amnesia ray!!"

Smithers "You mean the revolver sir?"

Mr Burns "Exactly"

From "Homer the Heathen":

Homer: Hi, Apu. How come you're not in church?
Apu: Oh, but I am. There is a shrine to Ganesha, the Hindu God, located in the employee lounge.
Homer: Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not be offering my God a peanut.
Homer: No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must have been out taking a whiz.

Homer: Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears
smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and
eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell
enough like dog food to make your dog come back -- or you can
go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right! I'll do it.
[Bart runs out the kitchen]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food!

Sweet Merciful Crap!

I'm Bart Simpson/Mojo the Monkey

"Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggie in the barn, because here comes dodge-ball action! The shirts continued their domination over the skins today. And in schoolyard fights, [Bart rings a hand-held boxing-style bell] the highly anticipated match between Kearny and Mr. Largo ended in a disqualification, for use of dog poo on a stick. Lisa?"

The kicker is the way he spins and points after saying it.

"Joe Banks, eighty-two years young, has come to this pond every day for the past seventeen years, to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery. The ducks...were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say, Toronto. And some people think, that Joe used to sit down there, [camera moves to another nearby pond] near those ducks. But it could be, that there's just no room in this
modern world, for an old man...and his ducks."

One of many wonderful Canada references. Of course, not as great as the ep where Burns is getting married and there's a "Nuke Canada" game in Barney's Bowl-o-Rama.

Then there's the part with Lisa going to the cat lady. She tosses cats at Lisa. Then, after the Union Pacific embarasses her, the cat lady is waiting to huck more cats at her.

"Bart: I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
Lisa: That's what Veteran's Day is for, Bart.
Bart: But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
Lisa: Eh, heh, heh...they also have Memorial Day.
Bart: Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong! The important
thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!
Lisa: [through clenched teeth] They have two!
Bart: Well maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson."

"Well, if I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. I'm Bart Simpson."

"I thought that monkey was supposed to help with the chores! All he does is sit there, struggling to breathe!
Oh, come on Marge, his cholsterol is through the roof!"

And the Choco-Bots at the end.

Up and at them!

The Simpsons and the rest of church-going Springfield are snowed in at the chapel. Marge kneels at her pew and begins to pray for deliverance.

Homer: Marge! This is neither the time nor the place!

From Treehouse of Horror VIII:

(Meanwhile in the Flanders home, Goodie-Flanders is looking up at the cave where the witches reside, worried about the not-to-distant future. The year is 1649.)

Puritan Maude: Oh, Neddy... look at them up there, plotting our doom! They could force us to commit wanton acts of carnality!

Puritan Ned: (laughs disappointedly) Pf, yeah, that'll be the day.

So many funny ones.
Burns Smithers who is that goat-legged fellow?
Smithers That's lucifer sir.
Burns I like the cut of his jib.

Like Principal Skinner said when caught stealing microscopes from another school:
"Welcome to Dick Cheney's America!"

"Sir, six cinder blocks are missing."
"Then there'll be no hospital. I'll tell the children."

Now with voting.

Kent Brockman: In Science, Dead last
(cut to skinner tied to a stake)
Skinner: Im telling you people, the earth revolves around the sun!

"We'll never find the lemon tree. This whole search is a useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute...there's a lemon behind that rock!"

Milhouse: "What happened to you Bart? It used to be about the music."

Bart: "I said slag off!"

animals are crapping in our houses and we have to clean it up! did we lose a war? that's not america, thats not even mexico!

the who shot mr. burns episode and principal skinner is in the bathroom putting on his disguise.

skinner- "Oh no, I musta taken mother's make-up kit instead!"

chalmers- "Oh I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't know anyone was in here."

skinner- "Superintedent Chalmers!"

chalmers- "Oh my god...."