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(Celebitchy)   More terryifing excerpts from Snooki's new book. You'll wish you were illiterate after reading this   (celebitchy.com ) divider line
    More: Scary, Snooki, dumb blondes, Seaside Heights, hot girls, spray tanning, House music, tank tops  
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13415 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 04 Jan 2011 at 3:22 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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mhd
2011-01-04 04:11:53 PM  
The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Garden State. Age worn flip-flop prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small Italian-Americans scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.

/This ghost-writing stuff is easy.
 
2011-01-04 04:12:56 PM  

mhd: The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Garden State. Age worn flip-flop prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small Italian-Americans scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.

/This ghost-writing stuff is easy.


"Barren" has two R's.
 
2011-01-04 04:23:54 PM  

mhd: The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Garden State. Age worn flip-flop prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small Italian-Americans scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.

/This ghost-writing stuff is easy.


Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers. "Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.

Did I get your voice right?
 
2011-01-04 04:24:10 PM  
I wonder what the audio book will sound like. I hope they get Morgan Freeman for this.
 
2011-01-04 04:26:59 PM  

mhd: Guys, sit down. Now, for a split second, imagine this: Gia/Snookie fan fiction.



LITERARY BLASPHEMER!
 
2011-01-04 04:34:41 PM  

Diogenes: It's a triller. Except the scary part is in reading it.


A "triller",huh? Interesting...
 
2011-01-04 04:39:07 PM  
3,850,000 results for Snooki on Google, how many for your name?
And she will make about four times what you did last year (minimum).
She may be everything you say, but she can play the game!
 
2011-01-04 04:41:23 PM  

cig-mkr: 3,850,000 results for Snooki on Google, how many for your name?
And she will make about four times what you did last year (minimum).
She may be everything you say, but she can play the game!


She can play, but at what cost? She has no soul any more.
 
mhd
2011-01-04 04:42:25 PM  

Aphrodite: Did I get your voice right?


You use a lot of big words for a guy from New Jersey.

s/heaving mounts/biatchin' camaros/
s/overseers/drivers/
s/stygian/motherf****in'/
s/barbarian/douchebag/
s/soldier/salami-boy/

/As if Jim Theis didn't deserve it...
 
2011-01-04 04:43:45 PM  
I'd just like to know who ACTUALLY wrote it. I mean, please...do any of you actually think Snooki wrote this book, as in, actually sat down and came up with the story (such as it is), the characters and went to a PC and took time to type out the novel? At MOST, she probably tossed out some ideas, worked out a deal to have her name and picture on the book, and had some ghost-writer put the rest together.
 
2011-01-04 04:44:51 PM  

Diogenes: It's a triller. Except the scary part is in reading it.


A "triller"? I was unaware Snooki was so multi-talented as to play the flute.
 
2011-01-04 04:48:12 PM  

cig-mkr: 3,850,000 results for Snooki on Google, how many for your name?
And she will make about four times what you did last year (minimum).
She may be everything you say, but she can play the game!


5.02 million

/I have a very common name
 
2011-01-04 04:50:27 PM  

mhd: Aphrodite: Did I get your voice right?

You use a lot of big words for a guy from New Jersey.

s/heaving mounts/biatchin' camaros/
s/overseers/drivers/
s/stygian/motherf****in'/
s/barbarian/douchebag/
s/soldier/salami-boy/

/As if Jim Theis didn't deserve it...


Ooh, my bad.

/trying to imagine cutting salami on someone's stomach...
 
2011-01-04 04:51:12 PM  

AgtSmithReloaded: I'd just like to know who ACTUALLY wrote it.


Valerie Frankel, in her own words (new window)
 
2011-01-04 04:51:13 PM  

TronPaul: Diogenes: It's a triller. Except the scary part is in reading it.

A "triller"? I was unaware Snooki was so multi-talented as to play the flute.


She is a girl of unexplored talents.

Unlike her orifices.
 
2011-01-04 04:51:16 PM  
Gia won a contest while in high school for shaking it the longest and hardest without spilling a single drop of her vodka tonic.


WAT
 
2011-01-04 04:57:49 PM  

AgtSmithReloaded: I'd just like to know who ACTUALLY wrote it. I mean, please...do any of you actually think Snooki wrote this book, as in, actually sat down and came up with the story (such as it is), the characters and went to a PC and took time to type out the novel? At MOST, she probably tossed out some ideas, worked out a deal to have her name and picture on the book, and had some ghost-writer put the rest together.


I dunno, I think she wrote it and it was edited for spelling at most, the rest was likely left as is so people could get a good laugh out of it.
 
2011-01-04 05:02:42 PM  
Sometimes little fat retarded girls with tans and clean snatches are incredible lays.

I mean what else can they get by on?
 
2011-01-04 05:04:00 PM  

rickycal78: AgtSmithReloaded: I'd just like to know who ACTUALLY wrote it. I mean, please...do any of you actually think Snooki wrote this book, as in, actually sat down and came up with the story (such as it is), the characters and went to a PC and took time to type out the novel? At MOST, she probably tossed out some ideas, worked out a deal to have her name and picture on the book, and had some ghost-writer put the rest together.

I dunno, I think she wrote it and it was edited for spelling at most, the rest was likely left as is so people could get a good laugh out of it.


She's playing to her audience. Nothing wrong with that. Does anyone think if she wrote a beautiful piece of prose that people would believe it?

But I'm still going to enjoy myself making fun of both of them.
 
2011-01-04 05:07:00 PM  

Yzziefrog: AgtSmithReloaded: I'd just like to know who ACTUALLY wrote it.

Valerie Frankel, in her own words (new window)


No no no, clearly Slate employs some Onion writers...that can't be real can it? Oh Jesus that's awful. Oh, brb, I gotta take something for this headache, and I just started bleeding out of my ear.
 
2011-01-04 05:18:24 PM  
I think we just discovered what is causing all the birds and fish to kill themselves.
 
2011-01-04 05:18:53 PM  
I hate you MTV. I just hate you.
 
2011-01-04 05:19:46 PM  
FTFA: Snooki once told a reporter for the NY Times that she'd only read two books in her life, Dear John and Twilight.

She named the main character after her dog and the other character after the main "Twilight" character. And the favorite band in the exerpt is her own favorite band. How very original.

I wish I could put this little effort into my career and I'd settle for at least half of the money for none of the STDs. How do I go about that?
 
2011-01-04 05:21:08 PM  

FarkedOver: cig-mkr: 3,850,000 results for Snooki on Google, how many for your name?
And she will make about four times what you did last year (minimum).
She may be everything you say, but she can play the game!

She can play, but at what cost? She has no soul any more
i>

She could rent one?

 
2011-01-04 05:24:58 PM  

MENSTRUATION: cig-mkr: 3,850,000 results for Snooki on Google, how many for your name?
And she will make about four times what you did last year (minimum).
She may be everything you say, but she can play the game!

5.02 million

/I have a very common name


The name Muhammad wins the prize for the world's most common name.
 
2011-01-04 05:26:26 PM  
Next thing you know, she'll write a sequel. Horrors.

/Are the Bulwer-Lytton Awards now for real fiction?
 
2011-01-04 05:37:01 PM  

doublesecretprobation: "Tonight, she aimed her gyrating hips straight at Salami Boy. The guy could take a hint. In two seconds, he creeped over to her. In five seconds, they were grinding, her butt pressed against his thighs. The guards simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shiat smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile."


You just won all of my internets.
 
2011-01-04 05:42:43 PM  

Jaymi77: doublesecretprobation: "Tonight, she aimed her gyrating hips straight at Salami Boy. The guy could take a hint. In two seconds, he creeped over to her. In five seconds, they were grinding, her butt pressed against his thighs. The guards simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shiat smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile."

You just won all of my internets.


I believe the alternate title for her book is Shore Skank Redemption.
 
2011-01-04 05:55:16 PM  

Jaymi77: Shore Skank Redemption


Based on the novella, Guida Hayworth and the Shore Skank Redemption.
 
2011-01-04 05:56:21 PM  
lol I am so buying this.
 
2011-01-04 05:59:09 PM  
She needed to use more Tom Swifties.
 
2011-01-04 05:59:43 PM  

cig-mkr: MENSTRUATION: cig-mkr: 3,850,000 results for Snooki on Google, how many for your name?
And she will make about four times what you did last year (minimum).
She may be everything you say, but she can play the game!

5.02 million

/I have a very common name

The name Muhammad wins the prize for the world's most common name.


Oh, was it just supposed to be first name? 63.7 million hits, then. Eat it, Snooki!
 
2011-01-04 06:00:23 PM  

OneTimed: I pray to God that there is a book-on-CD with Morgan Freeman providing the reading voice.


I can hear Freeman saying Slippery Nipple. Make him stop!
 
2011-01-04 06:03:20 PM  
I have no idea to this day what those two guidos were talking about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were talking about something so retarded, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your brain ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared shriller and louder than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some skanky whore staggered drunkenly into our drab little tab and made normal entertainment links dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Fark felt dirty.
 
2011-01-04 06:08:02 PM  
Not reading it.

I wouldn't read it with Osama bin Laden's eyes.
 
2011-01-04 06:09:26 PM  
Wow. I'm not the most eloquent person in the world but... wow.

Please tell me she's embarrassed.
 
2011-01-04 06:18:11 PM  
dahmers love zombie: even though his stories have an irritating tendency to involve entrails at some point.

Your fark handle makes reading that doubly funny :)
 
2011-01-04 06:20:22 PM  
cdn1.sbnation.com


i think this needs to be said even though i can't stand her.
 
2011-01-04 06:23:41 PM  

OneTimed: I pray to God that there is a book-on-CD with Morgan Freeman providing the reading voice.


What about Betty White?
 
2011-01-04 06:41:38 PM  

Raspil: i love trashy sh*t like this, what can i say? it's hard to watch the show but a book i can get into.


My friend, you will love the moving autobiographies of Katie Price.
Trashy goodness!
 
2011-01-04 06:42:28 PM  

You Die!: OneTimed: I pray to God that there is a book-on-CD with Morgan Freeman providing the reading voice.

What about Betty White?


Or the guy that does the Whataburger commercials, he should really branch out to audio readings of erotic novels.
 
2011-01-04 06:49:58 PM  
I couldn't care less about Snooki, but Valerie Frankel (who presumably wrote the book for her) sure knows how to write for her audience.
 
2011-01-04 06:52:12 PM  
reads better then anything dan brown ever wrote.
 
2011-01-04 06:53:32 PM  
I was waiting for Scrotie McBoogerBalls to make an appearance
 
2011-01-04 06:56:26 PM  
MTV should be punished for cultural damage.

Guess what they're saying overseas when this stuff appears on their televisions?
 
2011-01-04 06:59:15 PM  

SomeoneDumb: I couldn't care less about Snooki, but Valerie Frankel (who presumably wrote the book for her) sure knows how to write for her audience.


From a few of her HuffPo blogs, she seems literate enough. I hope she's laughing her way to the bank and her name shows up in very small print on the book cover.
 
2011-01-04 07:02:13 PM  
is this where i can whore my own novel? i mean, no one would mind if i jump on the AW bandwagon, would they?

Buy a copy of my first novel here: Link ...

or read the first chapter for free here: bobthewriter.com ...

/yes, i'm bitter because "her" book will outsell mine 100,000 to 1.
 
2011-01-04 07:15:31 PM  

You Die!:
From a few of her HuffPo blogs, she seems literate enough. I hope she's laughing her way to the bank and her name shows up in very small print on the book cover.


Yeah, I find it hard to knock anyone who can make a living or a lot of money writing.
 
2011-01-04 07:16:45 PM  

this_is_ace: is this where i can whore my own novel? i mean, no one would mind if i jump on the AW bandwagon, would they?

Buy a copy of my first novel here: Link ...

or read the first chapter for free here: bobthewriter.com ...

/yes, i'm bitter because "her" book will outsell mine 100,000 to 1.


Needs moar tanned gorilla juiceheads and girls taking shots off of toilet bowl rims. Also, throw in a Camaro. And rap music.

Am I doing it right?

All joking aside, I salute thee for taking the artistic plunge and writing. Takes a certain degree of fearlessness.

\\You could pretend to be Joe the Plumber and sell copies to teabaggers.
 
2011-01-04 07:19:40 PM  
She wrote a NOVEL? My ass. I can't bring myself to read more than two sentences of that nonsense. Who is the evil "collaborator" who let this happen?

In a world where Snooki has a book deal and I don't is a world with no god.
 
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