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(Chicago Breaking News)   Dear Amy, my hot female tenant won't stop farking her man as loudly as possible and I don't know what to do. Amy? Where did you go?   (chicagotribune.com) divider line 81
    More: Amusing, long-term relationships, bachelorettes  
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25052 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Dec 2010 at 9:25 AM (3 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2010-12-09 09:17:17 AM
imgs.xkcd.com

/oblig
 
2010-12-09 09:30:08 AM
Done in one.
 
2010-12-09 09:30:40 AM
I say record the noises, set them to music, and leave her a remix tape in her mailbox.


That's what I'd do, anyway.
 
2010-12-09 09:30:50 AM
She should do what I do. Press my head against the wall and play with myself.
 
2010-12-09 09:31:34 AM
.....I'm sorry, what was the complaint?
 
2010-12-09 09:32:17 AM
Poison Appleseeds: She should do what I do. Press my head against the wall and play with myself.

That is also a totally acceptable solution.
 
2010-12-09 09:32:17 AM
Poison Appleseeds: She should do what I do. Press my head against the wall and play with myself.

This.
 
2010-12-09 09:32:19 AM
I find pastrami the most alluring of the salted, cured meats.
 
2010-12-09 09:33:04 AM
jspenguin wins the thread.
 
2010-12-09 09:33:24 AM
Do these grapes taste sour at all?

Come on....fire up the 'marital aid" and play along at home.

Remember, no matter how alone you are, you're only two people away from a threesome.
 
2010-12-09 09:33:26 AM
airsupport: Poison Appleseeds: She should do what I do. Press my head against the wall and play with myself.

That is also a totally acceptable solution.


It helps if you moan loudly too...
 
2010-12-09 09:34:19 AM
I used to have this happen at night so me and my wife would just have sex loudly during their kids naptime.
 
2010-12-09 09:34:21 AM
Sounds like someone is angry because they never get any. Maybe the grouchy neighbor should be less ugly and she could be having naughty time as well.
 
2010-12-09 09:34:23 AM
airsupport: I say record the noises, set them to music, and leave her a remix tape in her mailbox.


That's what I'd do, anyway.


You make tapes? I'd use CD's at least.
 
2010-12-09 09:34:31 AM
Yeah...whenever my old roommates would start their session - I would just whip out my wiener and spank as they farked.

/good times
 
2010-12-09 09:35:19 AM
It is clear that - Sleepless in Seattle should have asked Farkers for advice and not Amy. You all gave all the advice I would have given!!
Good job Farkers, Good job.
 
2010-12-09 09:35:32 AM
Solution:
Hey neighbor, I hear you're having problems with the ol' gag reflex. My wife had the same problem until we discovered Gag Off. Gag Off is made from 100% natural products from a country that cannot be named. Gag Off is cruelty free product. No animals are used in it's testing. Only children desperate for money.

You can find Gag Off in any local drug store. Just ask the pharmacist for lubed, ribbed, cherry flavored Gag Off.
 
2010-12-09 09:35:44 AM
Put some mounting brackets in her mailbox with a note telling her they're for the headboard.

Or buy some earplugs.
 
2010-12-09 09:36:10 AM
Psycho Zombie Monkey: Yeah...whenever my old roommates would start their session - I would just whip out my wiener and spank as they farked.

/good times


I am glad I am not the only one who has done that on occasion, meaning every time I heard them have sex.
 
2010-12-09 09:38:01 AM
Could also take up drums and practice when they have sex.
 
2010-12-09 09:39:07 AM
Approves

i249.photobucket.com
 
2010-12-09 09:39:39 AM
earthworm2.0: .....I'm sorry, what was the complaint?

I wish I were taller.
 
2010-12-09 09:40:32 AM
I would play CD's like The Best of Barney, and Grover Sings! and Dance with Elmo at insane volumes with speakers pointed at her apartment. If they can fark during that they are sick farks,


..and I would want her phone number.
 
2010-12-09 09:40:36 AM
Make a recording and post it on the Net.
 
2010-12-09 09:41:41 AM
After every session, tape a note on your neighbor's door with a list of judges' scores for originality, difficulty and the dismount.
 
2010-12-09 09:42:13 AM
You should take this as a break for self-pleasure, and no guilt about it afterwards. Get some nice sex toys.

Or, if you have a partner, even better.

You'll go back to sleep more readily; and no one will complain about the noise you or yours generates.
 
2010-12-09 09:45:23 AM
t3knomanser: earthworm2.0: .....I'm sorry, what was the complaint?

I wish I were taller.


You stole that from Ziggy.
 
2010-12-09 09:45:59 AM
He should play porno really loud when he isn't home.
 
2010-12-09 09:46:32 AM
She owns the other unit in the duplex? Simple. Hidden video camera.
 
2010-12-09 09:47:32 AM
...or pony up for some better wall sound insulation.
 
2010-12-09 09:47:58 AM
Nowhereman: I used to have this happen at night so me and my wife would just have sex loudly during their kids naptime.

With each other?
 
2010-12-09 09:48:30 AM
one of Ripley's Bad Guys: ...or pony up for some better wall sound insulation.

Or drill a small hole in the wall so you have more than just audio?
 
2010-12-09 09:48:44 AM
Hey Amy! is that a recent photo? Because if it is, a touch of makeup, a bit of leather those spikey shoes you have at home in the back of the closet, some Bourbon and you and I could be well you know . . .

hahahahahahahahahahahah self appointed arbiters of the universe UNITE!
 
2010-12-09 09:48:58 AM
airsupport: I say record the noises, set them to music, and leave her a remix tape in her mailbox.


That's what I'd do, anyway.


Leavin' the ol' mixtape in the mailbox, eh? Eh? Wink wink nudge nudge? Ya know wha' I mean guvna?
 
2010-12-09 09:49:56 AM
When I was in high school, had a nasty looking female tenant upstairs that got some every Thursday night at 9 pm. You could set a clock by that. And her bed was directly above my bedroom.

/I had to work really hard to pretend she wasn't all nasty
 
2010-12-09 09:50:07 AM
While my parents were building a house we had to live in my grandfathers duplex. The neighbors were a nasty trash looking couple and we could hear them while they were doing it. She called her husband "pookie" during sex. It was pretty sick.

Long after we had moved out and shortly after they had moved out I went back to help repair and clean up both sides. It turns out they had also drilled holes in the wall and ceiling above our side to peep on everyone in our side of the duplex. I think he was watching us kids more than my parents though. He was a sick bastard.
 
2010-12-09 09:50:32 AM
Mad Scientist: She owns the other unit in the duplex? Simple. Hidden video camera.

With web feeds....
 
2010-12-09 09:51:15 AM
Dear Amy,

I'm running out of places to bury the dead hookers on my property. My basement area doesn't have proper flooring, just dirt, but I've pretty much used all the space in that area. And now I've gone to filling up my back yard with dead hookers. I got a couple of nice ones just last Tuesday (one was a blonde, and you KNOW how I feel about blondes), and as I dug up the graves in the back yard, I noticed that it was getting a little crowded back there.

I would use the front yard, but I don't like nosy neighbors knowing about my personal life. Maybe I could dump the dead hookers on the side of a highway? No, that seems a bit disrespectful to me. I've tried other methods of disposal, such as compaction, dismemberment, and so on, but all that gets really messy after a while, and it's just SO much work.

So, do you have any ideas? It's getting a bit cramped around here.
 
2010-12-09 09:54:40 AM
airsupport: I say record the noises, set them to music, and leave her a remix tape in her mailbox.

A remix tape? That would have been a totally awesome idea in 1986, grandpa.

/I keed
 
2010-12-09 09:55:38 AM
On one of my visits to my ex, her downstairs neighbor, whose bedroom is apparently right under hers, had apparently started seeing someone. So while we were in bed at night we were regularly subjected to the sounds of her much much older downstairs neighbor going at it with her new boyfriend. The mental image of what was going on down there was not conducive to doing much of anything, let me tell you.

On a similar note, we were once quite loud, with the window open, while one of her other neighbor's kids were still running around outside...in the dark at 11:30PM or something like that. Not quite so proud about that one in retrospect but seriously, it's 11:30, get your damn kids in bed. We did at least try to wait until they decided to be responsible, as I recall, but, well, you know how it goes I suppose. Don't think we ever had that particular issue again that I remember, though probably not because of us.

/at some point later when I wasn't there cops were called in by several people on the latter neighbors for domestic abuse, real winners in that house
//not so cool story bro
 
2010-12-09 09:56:20 AM
Cythraul: Dear Amy,

I'm running out of places to bury the dead hookers on my property. My basement area doesn't have proper flooring, just dirt, but I've pretty much used all the space in that area. And now I've gone to filling up my back yard with dead hookers. I got a couple of nice ones just last Tuesday (one was a blonde, and you KNOW how I feel about blondes), and as I dug up the graves in the back yard, I noticed that it was getting a little crowded back there.

I would use the front yard, but I don't like nosy neighbors knowing about my personal life. Maybe I could dump the dead hookers on the side of a highway? No, that seems a bit disrespectful to me. I've tried other methods of disposal, such as compaction, dismemberment, and so on, but all that gets really messy after a while, and it's just SO much work.

So, do you have any ideas? It's getting a bit cramped around here.


Dear Cythraul,

I believe the most proper method of burial in your situation would be at sea. Do you perhaps own a boat or have access to one? Might get a little expensive if you have to rent one every week to dispose of the dead hookers.

If you don't have access to a body of water, you could always call join a Bury Dead Hookers support group and perhaps meet up with some nice people who own a farm with pigs.

Good luck with all your future endeavors Cythraul.
 
2010-12-09 09:56:41 AM
Cythraul: So, do you have any ideas? It's getting a bit cramped around here.

Dear Cramped,
There aren't many good ways to dispose of a dead body, and there aren't any services that really address the needs of the hooker-murdering population. But fear not, there are options.

The secret is a very strong lye solution. With a basic enough solution, you will have no problem dissolving a dead body before it starts to decay. From there, you can literally pour them down the drain! Lye is fairly affordable, but you will need a lot of it. These sorts of orders may seem suspicious, so you might want to find a suitable hobby that requires lye- like baking pretzels! Yes, true Bavarian pretzels are boiled in lye. It's a fun and easy past-time that easily covers up your more questionable habits.

And, of course, remember that lye is a dangerous chemical, so make sure to use proper protection.
 
2010-12-09 09:57:08 AM
Poison Appleseeds: She should do what I do. Press my head against the wall and play with myself.

Weeners:

Global94 at 10:34 PM December 08, 2010

LW1, if you are awaken to the sounds of sex, turn it into a positive instead of complaining. Just pleasure yourself during the show and then you will be able to fall back asleep without any problem.

Great pervs think alike.

1. Record what you hear
2. Press the speakers against the wall and turn up the amp
3. Wait for a quiet interlude
4. Hit play

It should sound familiar to even the most oblivious and generic of screamers and moaners.
 
2010-12-09 10:06:39 AM
one of Ripley's Bad Guys: ...or pony up for some better wall sound insulation.

suprised this was so far down the thread. we ARE talking about the owner here...THE person who possesses the power to fix this for the current and any future tenants

wouldn't even have to disturb the neighbor...take down your own wall, stuff that thing full of insulation, put the wall back up
 
2010-12-09 10:07:14 AM
Or you cen serenade the post-midnight passion with this oldie from the French:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9Zw4LeSt2w&feature=related

Methinks B.B. was hot at one time.
 
2010-12-09 10:08:48 AM
OscarTamerz:
1. Record what you hear
2. Press the speakers against the wall and turn up the amp
3. Wait for a quiet interlude
4. Hit play


I like this but rather than waiting for a quiet interlude, play it back with a one or one and a half second delay, like an echo.
 
2010-12-09 10:10:04 AM
6655321: Make a recording and post it on Fark.

FTFM
 
2010-12-09 10:12:28 AM
Dear Penthouse....
 
2010-12-09 10:27:25 AM
Dear Abby,

Got a problem. I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's
important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my
autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper:and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dead-kennedys-lyrics/dear-abby-lyrics.html |]
my secret. Abby, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge."

If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?
DEAR REAGANOMICS VICTIM: Consult your clergyman. Make sure the body's
blessed and everything should be just fine.

/first thing I thought of
 
2010-12-09 10:29:39 AM
unyon: airsupport: I say record the noises, set them to music, and leave her a remix tape in her mailbox.

A remix tape? That would have been a totally awesome idea in 1986, grandpa.

/I keed


LOL

It's the term I've always used. Kinda like Coke, Kleenex or Xerox. But your point is well taken.


Guess it's time for Carrousel.

mimg.ugo.com


/even my movie references are old, apparently.
 
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