Paging Mr. Archimedes, Mr. Archimedes to the math impaired courtesy phone.

I particularly like the videos where they have the child in one and a dog in the other just casually walking near the hot vat of oil. Bonus points for anyone putting this near any flammable structure.

YouPeopleAreCrazy: TeddyRooseveltsMustache: Use an oven, and stop being such a stupid hick.

Oven? Blasphemy.
Smoked on the grill. With a beer can up its ass.

You smoked it on the grill? Jesus Christ, how long did THAT take?!?

SkorzenyNinja: Fish in a Barrel:
/deep fried turkey is fast and DELICIOUS

TRUTH.

Just out of curiosity, how many of you Farkers out there do this fried-turkey business on Thanksgiving? We fried up two yesterday and everyone there loved them.

My buddy's parents fry one every year. This year they also did a chicken. Always delicious. Cajun seasoned, crispy skin, juicy meat.

Now I'm hungry.

Old enough to know better: If I ever cook another turkey it'll be in an oven, wrapped in foil like the good lord intended.

Pff, what's so great about the Lord? I buy an entire flock of LIVE turkeys. I wait until there's a thunder storm, then I herd them out into an open field. Whichever one gets zapped by lighting is the one we eat. The way Zeus intended!

corndog420: Why don't people cut up the bird? it allows for more diverse, easier cooking methods, better temp control, and less disaster.

Oh God, FSM, or whatever bless the fark outta you.

30 years ago I worked for five years as a butcher at a meat shop (that sold only meat, not a grocery store with a meat counter), and we never cooked poultry for our pre-made dishes without cutting it up first.

My family was aghast the first time I mentioned trying it, but once I got married and hosted a 40 person Thanksgiving at my house, there was no way we could cook enough turkey for that many people without splitting up the cooking duties among the two ovens, two grills, and one fryer.

I understand the argument that "the meat will dry out" if you separate the white and dark meat, but that's because people aren't cutting, cleaning, or cooking the meat correctly for each part. You can make each distinct cut of turkey the way it was meant to be cooked.

If you have to cook a turkey whole in an oven, I have a tip:

If you insist on roasting your turkey whole in an oven and you don't want to bother with basting - turn the turkey upside down for the first hour or two. The bulk of the fat is in the dark meat in the bottom, and it will trickle down into the breast meat as the turkey warms up. Once you turn it over the fat will crisp with the oven heat and give the skin the nice "brown" that everyone seems to be chasing at the expense of taste. Bonus: your "enfattened" breast meat will taste spectacular to people who only eat white meat, and they won't know why.

Otherwise clean that turkey like a pro and do what we do: oil fry the breast to keep it moist, smoke the legs and thighs for taste, and pan fry the stuffing with some drippings. It works out for everyone, and you can serve tons more people if you have to.

DataPanic: Lsherm: corndog420: - turn the turkey upside down for the first hour or two. The bulk of the fat is in the dark meat in the bottom, and it will trickle down into the breast meat as the turkey warms up.

I've heard that cooking it breast side down (The Way The Navy Does It) is really good! One of these years, I will try it that way. I guess the trick is flipping it over.

If you leave it upside down the whole time, the skin is going to be soggy. Cook it for the bulk of the actual cooking time, 2-4 hours, then flip it for the last hour.

If the last hour doesn't give you crispy brown skin at the end:

1) Rub butter or oil on the top of the turkey
2) Turn on the broiler for 10 minutes. It will crisp the outside and brown it, but the meat itself will stay juiced.

The irony of all this is that we roast turkeys based on how the farking skin looks instead of how the meat tastes. It's easy to make the skin look good. It's difficult to make juicy turkey.