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Big flap over vaginal surgeries, Phil Collins' su-su-suicidal thoughts, and you never go d'k-tahg-to-mouth: Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 11/7 - 11/12
Posted by Drew at 2010-11-16 2:35:05 PM (24 comments) | Permalink
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7462 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Nov 2010 at 2:45 PM (7 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



From Unfreakable:

No posting this week, enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-11-07 to Sat 2010-11-12:

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  Playing Mozart over mall speakers shown to cut crime. Similar experiment playing Shubert remains unfinished    
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  Australia in a big flap over increase in vaginal surgery    
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  Cops arrest driver who threw potato at a pedestrian who did not have her eyes peeled. Story to the left, common taters to the right    
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  In astounding display of masochism, black man vows to fight for minority whip    
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  Stoned Bears in Yellowstone. EVERYBODY PICNIC    
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  Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, and broke his crown, and Jill was sentenced to hang for defaming the prophet Muhammed    
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  Alabama sex toy store opens drive-thru service. Most people remarked how small the Japanese cars were, how black cars weren't any bigger than white ones, and wondered why 1 in 10 tried to drive through backwards    
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  Boeing 787 on test flight makes emergency landing in Laredo TX, is immediately stripped and left up on blocks    
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  Man purposely sets himself on fire outside doctors' clinic. Friends insist he was not depressed, claim he always lights up a room    
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  Community Chest: Shot in groin while playing Monopoly. Pay hospital $100    
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  Teen admits he made up story about fending off bear with pocket knife. Police became suspicious when he said he fended off a bear with a pocket knife    
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Sports:

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  Cowboys' team website vanishes as they are unable to string together three Ws    
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  Lions sign ex-Spartan kicker, quickly fill any bottomless pits in the area    
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  A source is a source of course, of course, and no one questions a source of course. That is, of course, unless the source is the famous ESPN    
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Geek:

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  Scientists discover that the human brain responds differently based on the proximity, direction and the size of the TARANTULA  

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  Twin volcanoes erupt in Kamchatka. Rescuers from Indonesia expected to get there in four turns    
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  Venom may aid muscular dystrophy, punch Peter Parker in the face    
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Showbiz:

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  "Days of Our Lives" renewed for another two years by the executive producer's evil twin brother    
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  Rosario Dawson wants to be a Klingon. You never go d'k-tahg-to-mouth    
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  Katy Perry barely covers her cleavage with microwave newspaper turquoise giraffe popsicle haberdasher    
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Politics:

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  I see your WWII-era Soviet anti-tank dog and raise you a terrorist dog. Your dog wants death to all wh--SQUIRREL  

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  Obama has rare opportunity to reshape Pentagon. I'm thinking dodecahedron    
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  Rush Limbaugh interviews George W. Bush, throws more softballs than the Lesbian World Series    
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Music:

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  Michael Jackson's children recall their father fondledly    
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  Phil Collins admits having su-su-suicidal thoughts    
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  Jack White will reteam with Meg White's breasts and record a new White Stripes record    
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Business:

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  Rolls Royce shares plummet like a Qantas A380  

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  Money concerns had no role in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. BP was far too busy thinking about safety, the environment, clean energy, and sea turtles to even *think* about money. So are we done here, or what?    
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  French company introduces lingerie held together with magnets. Reaction has been both positive and negative    
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· · ·

24 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2010-11-16 02:47:18 PM  
He got in late last night. Drew is probably still sleeping.
 
2010-11-16 02:47:39 PM  
In before the Drew is butthurt comments.
 
2010-11-16 02:50:02 PM  
Top contender for next week:

42 dead in Chinese skyscraper fire. If only there were some sort of drill that could have prepared them for this
 
2010-11-16 02:58:45 PM  
Katy Perry barely covers her cleavage with microwave newspaper turquoise giraffe popsicle haberdasher

This one made me lol. I never seen this joke used before on fark. The reason it is funny is because it assumes nobody reads the link after the word "cleavage"
 
2010-11-16 03:01:42 PM  

Jonathan Hohensee: Katy Perry barely covers her cleavage with microwave newspaper turquoise giraffe popsicle haberdasher

This one made me lol. I never seen this joke used before on fark. The reason it is funny is because it assumes nobody reads the link after the word "cleavage"


And here I thought it had something to do with Tourettes.
 
2010-11-16 03:01:49 PM  
The first "Battle: Los Angeles" trailer actually makes good on all those studio promises that this alien invasion movie would be more like "Black Hawk Down", less like "Close Encounters"

Wes Anderson lining up an all-star cast for his next awesomely hipster-ish movie, "Moon Rise Kingdom". Still no word whether or not Anderson will direct this one in person or through email

Viewership of "Conan" falls 33% on night two, which means absolutely nothing. Analysts are expected, however, to make it mean everything

The final "Tron: Legacy" trailer is here. Tron Guy available for comment, birthday parties, self-mocking public appearances, any chores you might have for him to do around the house, or maybe just someone looking for a friend

Early estimates are in, and it would appear that over 3 million people tuned in to watch "Conan" go easy on NBC last night

NBC orders up two extra episodes of "Community", which is either really great news or really ominous, depending on how you wanna look at it

After weeks of speculation, an online poll, and months of meticulous planning, it appears that Conan O'Brien's first "Conan" guest will be...a woman who owns 6,000 nutcrackers? Actually, that sounds about right


None made the cut?
 
2010-11-16 03:04:39 PM  

lennavan: In before the Drew is butthurt comments.


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2010-11-16 03:07:49 PM  
Any headline with a Risk reference automatically gets

+1
 
2010-11-16 03:07:53 PM  

lennavan: In before the Drew is butthurt comments.


Why would he be butthurt? In fact I'd bet he's enjoying a cool, refreshing Jose Cuervo™!
 
2010-11-16 03:12:42 PM  

AnubisMan: The first "Battle: Los Angeles" trailer actually makes good on all those studio promises that this alien invasion movie would be more like "Black Hawk Down", less like "Close Encounters"

Wes Anderson lining up an all-star cast for his next awesomely hipster-ish movie, "Moon Rise Kingdom". Still no word whether or not Anderson will direct this one in person or through email

Viewership of "Conan" falls 33% on night two, which means absolutely nothing. Analysts are expected, however, to make it mean everything

The final "Tron: Legacy" trailer is here. Tron Guy available for comment, birthday parties, self-mocking public appearances, any chores you might have for him to do around the house, or maybe just someone looking for a friend

Early estimates are in, and it would appear that over 3 million people tuned in to watch "Conan" go easy on NBC last night

NBC orders up two extra episodes of "Community", which is either really great news or really ominous, depending on how you wanna look at it

After weeks of speculation, an online poll, and months of meticulous planning, it appears that Conan O'Brien's first "Conan" guest will be...a woman who owns 6,000 nutcrackers? Actually, that sounds about right

None made the cut?


None of those are funny.
 
2010-11-16 03:15:44 PM  

You Die!: None of those are funny.


That, up there ^^^
 
2010-11-16 03:20:55 PM  

AnubisMan: None made the cut?



they're not funny, not interesting, trying way to hard, and they're just kinda "there", providing no content. they're just going "hey look at me!" but most of all, they aren't funny.

those headlines are kind of like your boy Conan, mancrushmitter.
 
2010-11-16 03:23:33 PM  

lennavan: In before the Drew is butthurt comments.


He'll get over it. You, I'm not so sure.
 
2010-11-16 03:26:56 PM  
Wampler?
 
2010-11-16 03:31:15 PM  

2wolves: Wampler?


Ok, I must be living under a rock, because I'm seriously out of the loop. I keep seeing this name on Fark again and again. What is the significance of it?
 
2010-11-16 04:09:33 PM  
WOOHOO!
 
2010-11-16 04:24:13 PM  

LowbrowDeluxe: lennavan: In before the Drew is butthurt comments.

He'll get over it. You, I'm not so sure.


NEVER FORGET.
 
2010-11-16 04:29:03 PM  

Jonathan Hohensee: Katy Perry barely covers her cleavage with microwave newspaper turquoise giraffe popsicle haberdasher

This one made me lol. I never seen this joke used before on fark. The reason it is funny is because it assumes nobody reads the link after the word "cleavage"


That's an old one...
 
2010-11-16 04:32:20 PM  
Pants full of macaroni!!:
2wolves: Wampler?

Ok, I must be living under a rock, because I'm seriously out of the loop. I keep seeing this name on Fark again and again. What is the significance of it?


Allegedly there is a alleged blogger who allegedly posts content that is allegedly completely cribbed from his alleged sources, then allegedly has preferential treatment in getting green lights, if not allegedly having the ability to green them (allegedly) himself, allegedly destroying the alleged sanctity of the Showbiz tab, making said blogger and alleged douchebag the worst site friend since Brooks, who at least had the alleged goddamn common courtesy to include lots of alleged hot chicks and cleavage on his alleged blog.

Or so I've heard.
 
2010-11-16 04:35:42 PM  

jdjoker: Pants full of macaroni!!:
2wolves: Wampler?

Ok, I must be living under a rock, because I'm seriously out of the loop. I keep seeing this name on Fark again and again. What is the significance of it?

Allegedly there is a alleged blogger who allegedly posts content that is allegedly completely cribbed from his alleged sources, then allegedly has preferential treatment in getting green lights, if not allegedly having the ability to green them (allegedly) himself, allegedly destroying the alleged sanctity of the Showbiz tab, making said blogger and alleged douchebag the worst site friend since Brooks, who at least had the alleged goddamn common courtesy to include lots of alleged hot chicks and cleavage on his alleged blog.

Or so I've heard.


Ah, gotcha. Thanks for the heads-up.
 
2010-11-16 05:01:42 PM  
Damn. I wanted a post from Drew about Wampler and a thread full of Wampler hate that would follow it.


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2010-11-16 05:38:39 PM  
This list is a farking outrage! The best ones of the week were left complete left off!!! I'll take a moment to post the ones I thought were most hilarious.

NBC orders up two extra episodes of "Community", which is either really great news or really ominous, depending on how you wanna look at it

Hilarious!

After weeks of speculation, an online poll, and months of meticulous planning, it appears that Conan O'Brien's first "Conan" guest will be...a woman who owns 6,000 nutcrackers? Actually, that sounds about right

How did this not make it?! It was so succinct and funny and true!

The final "Tron: Legacy" trailer is here. Tron Guy available for comment, birthday parties, self-mocking public appearances, any chores you might have for him to do around the house, or maybe just someone looking for a friend

BIGGEST OMISSION! When did Tron Guy stop being funny and relevant? Answer never!

Viewership of "Conan" falls 33% on night two, which means absolutely nothing. Analysts are expected, however, to make it mean everything

Oh gawd! My sides are splitting! The layers of humor here are like an onion!!! Why does the man even have a butler giraffe?! BWHAHAHAHA!

Wes Anderson lining up an all-star cast for his next awesomely hipster-ish movie, "Moon Rise Kingdom". Still no word whether or not Anderson will direct this one in person or through email

Actually.... i don't get it.

The first "Battle: Los Angeles" trailer actually makes good on all those studio promises that this alien invasion movie would be more like "Black Hawk Down", less like "Close Encounters"

Had me in tears for an hour!

Anyway, I can't believe these glaring omissions were left off. Seriously guys, the site is supposedly about "funny headlines" and a lot of your subscribers take a lot of time to work on these gems, and they should at least get some credit for that effort and not have some bullshiat non-funny crap win awards/greenlights!

I mean seriously:

Starbucks sees profit go from tall to venti

You can't make up words guys.
 
2010-11-16 07:27:35 PM  

AnubisMan: The first "Battle: Los Angeles" trailer actually makes good on all those studio promises that this alien invasion movie would be more like "Black Hawk Down", less like "Close Encounters"

Wes Anderson lining up an all-star cast for his next awesomely hipster-ish movie, "Moon Rise Kingdom". Still no word whether or not Anderson will direct this one in person or through email

Viewership of "Conan" falls 33% on night two, which means absolutely nothing. Analysts are expected, however, to make it mean everything

The final "Tron: Legacy" trailer is here. Tron Guy available for comment, birthday parties, self-mocking public appearances, any chores you might have for him to do around the house, or maybe just someone looking for a friend

Early estimates are in, and it would appear that over 3 million people tuned in to watch "Conan" go easy on NBC last night

NBC orders up two extra episodes of "Community", which is either really great news or really ominous, depending on how you wanna look at it

After weeks of speculation, an online poll, and months of meticulous planning, it appears that Conan O'Brien's first "Conan" guest will be...a woman who owns 6,000 nutcrackers? Actually, that sounds about right

None made the cut?


Headlines of the week? No, try Headlines of the Wampler!

(Should I be sad that I recognized these for what they are?)
(I am sad)
(slashes are old, long live parentheses!)
 
2010-11-16 10:15:20 PM  
Michael Jackson's children recall their father fondledly

I love that one.
 
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