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(Some Guy)   The Top 10 Questions that uncultured buffoons ask about wine   (snooth.com ) divider line
    More: Interesting, wines, fools  
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31354 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Sep 2010 at 2:30 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2010-09-30 02:01:48 PM  
How come all my wine comes in a box?
 
2010-09-30 02:07:43 PM  
It's really not that hard to become a wine connoisseur. I've been drinking and collecting wine for years, and am happy to share some small tidbits that can help even someone to to wine appreciate it more readily.

First, remember that there are only two kinds of grapes: red and white. Red grapes, which make red wine, come from France, a region called Boardeux (pronounced Bord-O). White grapes, called Chardonnay, come from California. White grapes make white wine, which you should only drink if you're eating fish.

Red wine is red because red grapes have skin, which has something called tannins, which incidentally are the primary ingredient in suntan lotion because they have the natural ability to absorb sunlight (which is what turns them red). As you can imagine, tannins cause the wine to take on a sharper taste, because of all the sunlight they absorb. This sharper taste is called "the nose" because it's so sharp you can taste it in your nose when you sniff the wine. That's why experienced wine drinkers always sniff wine before they drink it. They're looking for the nose. See, if the nose is too sharp, an experienced wine drinker knows that he can't drink it yet. He needs to de-can't it (decant). So what he does is takes the wine and pours it into a glass jar (a decanter) and then swishes it around. This basically speeds up the aging process.

But I should talk about the aging process. When wine is put in its bottle, it starts to age. This "mellows" the wine, which means the nose gets duller and it becomes more drinkable. Each year that you age a bottle of wine, it becomes more drinkable by one point (these are sometimes called Parker Points after the person who discovered nose). But sometimes you don't have time to age your wine for years and years. That's when decanting comes in. Every three swirls (approximately...it depends on your arm strength) adds about one year of age to the wine, so the more times you swish it in the decanter, the better (more mellow) it becomes.

Some people like sweet wine, also called "dessert wine" or "late harvest" wine. There are many ways to make this, but the simplest and most cost-effective is to add 1-3 teaspoons of sugar and a little bit of soda (mountain dew works especially well) to your glass, according to your taste.

Many people are confused by the cost of wine, and don't understand why some bottles are more expensive than others. Wine pricing works on what's called a "sliding scale," which is a complicated economic model that basically means cheap wine, which costs less than more expensive wine, is less expensive than expensive, which costs more than cheap wine. The bottom line is that it's better to buy expensive wine, but that usually costs more than buying cheap wine.

Anyway, that's a quick primer. Enjoy your wine drinking!
 
2010-09-30 02:09:43 PM  
Why is my glass already empty?
 
2010-09-30 02:17:12 PM  
I always get headaches from drinking red wine. I didn't realize that there were histamines in the grape skins that could cause headaches. I just assumed that I shouldn't have had two bottles by myself.

Next time, I'll pop one or two anti-histamines (probably diphenhydramine) and enjoy my wine without any possible problems.
 
2010-09-30 02:28:43 PM  

Pocket Ninja: that's a quick primer. Enjoy your wine drinking!


As always, Pocket Ninja has pretty much hit the nail right on the proverbial head.

Nothing more to be done here, except say a votre sante. THat means "Vote Republican."
 
2010-09-30 02:33:19 PM  
Living by a Winery I getting a big kick out of this one!
 
2010-09-30 02:33:21 PM  
I hear that the wine that uses a cork isn't as good as the wine with a screw on cap. Anyone can pound a cork in a bottle, but it takes a skilled craftsman to thread glass.
 
2010-09-30 02:33:28 PM  
"How long does wine last once opened?"

If my wife is around, it's lasts about 10 minutes.
 
2010-09-30 02:34:18 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Yet another glorious exposition by a Fark legend


Somewhere there is a wine snob silently twitching because of that. . .

/I like ordering a glass of myrrh-law-t with dinner. . .
 
2010-09-30 02:34:25 PM  
How about "where are my pants"?
 
2010-09-30 02:34:28 PM  
Will this crap get me laid?
 
2010-09-30 02:34:54 PM  
and really, don't forget to sniff the cork. everyone knows that by sniffing the cork you can tell if a wine is really good!
 
2010-09-30 02:34:57 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Anyway, that's a quick primer. Enjoy your wine drinking!


Good lord! You prolly use those little glasses too!
 
2010-09-30 02:35:08 PM  
Why are wine people such pretentious twits? Give me some pruno and I'm good to go.
 
2010-09-30 02:35:54 PM  
img.photobucket.com

Rubber ducks are bad drunks, BTW. Started a fight right after this picture was taken.
 
2010-09-30 02:36:09 PM  

abhorrent1: "How long does wine last once opened?"

If my wife is around, it's lasts about 10 minutes.


I was going to say that that question has never come up in my family.
 
2010-09-30 02:37:10 PM  
Merlot? What's that; did they just invent it?
 
2010-09-30 02:37:25 PM  
What's better: MD 20/20 or Night Train?
 
2010-09-30 02:38:11 PM  

Solid State Vittles: Why is my glass already empty?


ahh, you must be drinking Emperor Wine. Some of the best wine available in the US, it comes from a small region known as Emper, in AR. Hence, Emper-AR.
Anyway, its invisible to all but the most experience wine connoisseurs.
Keep drinking it, its definitely worth $150 a bottle.
 
2010-09-30 02:38:33 PM  
The Top 10 Questions that uncultured buffoonsstraight men ask about wine

FTFY Subby
 
2010-09-30 02:38:46 PM  
Why is this beer in a stupid glass, flat, and taste like shiat?
 
2010-09-30 02:39:01 PM  

NASAM: Merlot? What's that; did they just invent it?


Merlot has been around for a while, ever since someone figured out that you could add water to Cabernet and call it "Merlot."

/GSM FTW
 
2010-09-30 02:39:14 PM  

Pocket Ninja: It's really not that hard to become a wine connoisseur. I've been drinking and collecting wine for years, and am happy to share some small tidbits that can help even someone to to wine appreciate it more readily.

First, remember that there are only two kinds of grapes: red and white. Red grapes, which make red wine, come from France, a region called Boardeux (pronounced Bord-O). White grapes, called Chardonnay, come from California. White grapes make white wine, which you should only drink if you're eating fish.

Red wine is red because red grapes have skin, which has something called tannins, which incidentally are the primary ingredient in suntan lotion because they have the natural ability to absorb sunlight (which is what turns them red). As you can imagine, tannins cause the wine to take on a sharper taste, because of all the sunlight they absorb. This sharper taste is called "the nose" because it's so sharp you can taste it in your nose when you sniff the wine. That's why experienced wine drinkers always sniff wine before they drink it. They're looking for the nose. See, if the nose is too sharp, an experienced wine drinker knows that he can't drink it yet. He needs to de-can't it (decant). So what he does is takes the wine and pours it into a glass jar (a decanter) and then swishes it around. This basically speeds up the aging process.

But I should talk about the aging process. When wine is put in its bottle, it starts to age. This "mellows" the wine, which means the nose gets duller and it becomes more drinkable. Each year that you age a bottle of wine, it becomes more drinkable by one point (these are sometimes called Parker Points after the person who discovered nose). But sometimes you don't have time to age your wine for years and years. That's when decanting comes in. Every three swirls (approximately...it depends on your arm strength) adds about one year of age to the wine, so the more times you swish it in the decanter, the better (more mellow) it becomes.

Some people like sweet wine, also called "dessert wine" or "late harvest" wine. There are many ways to make this, but the simplest and most cost-effective is to add 1-3 teaspoons of sugar and a little bit of soda (mountain dew works especially well) to your glass, according to your taste.

Many people are confused by the cost of wine, and don't understand why some bottles are more expensive than others. Wine pricing works on what's called a "sliding scale," which is a complicated economic model that basically means cheap wine, which costs less than more expensive wine, is less expensive than expensive, which costs more than cheap wine. The bottom line is that it's better to buy expensive wine, but that usually costs more than buying cheap wine.

Anyway, that's a quick primer. Enjoy your wine drinking!


STFU and fill my goblet!
 
2010-09-30 02:39:26 PM  
Do I get a break on the price buying by the case?

www.urbanzeitgeist.com
 
2010-09-30 02:39:35 PM  
I went to a fancy pants wine festival in Virginia a couple weekends ago. Most of the folks there were serious wine hipsters asking about the leg and the nose and whatever other body parts fermented grape juice has. To entertain myself I came up with some questions to ask the vineyard reps:

-Does this come in anything bigger than a 1.5L bottle?

-How hard would this be to clean off a toilet if I throw up?

-What would be a good wine pairing for salt and vinegar chips?

-Does this come in a can?

-If there are blue and green grapes, why aren't there any blue and green wines?

-If I swish this around my mouth enough does it act like mouthwash?
 
2010-09-30 02:39:50 PM  
...and no farking merlot!
 
2010-09-30 02:40:40 PM  
I just buy whatever wine Gary Vaynerchuk tells me to buy.
 
2010-09-30 02:41:46 PM  
Can you bring me some fresh wine? The freshest you've got!
 
2010-09-30 02:42:02 PM  
Pocket Ninja:

Funny and trolling at the same time...BRILLIANT

/well played sir
 
2010-09-30 02:42:15 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Anyway, that's a quick primer. Enjoy your wine drinking!


At first I thought you were going to be serious. That's the funniest thing I've read all month!
 
2010-09-30 02:42:17 PM  
fearmongert

Will this crap get me laid?

When I was a young man, I "hated" wine. Beer and booze for me, wine was for chicks and gays. Well, I started to date this very hot girl (sigh....Jill. Sigh....) who loved wine, white Zinfandel to be specific, so I ended up drinking wine with her on our "dates" (more like NSA hook-ups, but I digress). After we ended our wonderful relationship, I noticed that many, if not most, girls liked wine, so I started to develop a taste for it.

In short, yes, wine will get you laid.
 
2010-09-30 02:43:25 PM  

Solid State Vittles: Why is my glass already empty?


You're supposed to sniff, not inhale. Wait for the other guests to sniff, then sucker punch those oenophilic snobs because they're not sniffing WITH you, they're sniffing AT you.
 
2010-09-30 02:43:38 PM  
Wine threads shouldn't be greenlit until after 3:30pm EST. Now I really want a glass of red.
 
2010-09-30 02:43:52 PM  

Catsaregreen: What's better: MD 20/20 or Night Train?


Neither. Thunderbird FTW.

What's the word?
Thunderbird!
How's it sold?
Good and Cold
What's the jive?
Bird's Alive!
What's the price?
Thirty Twice

/Now, it's about tree-fiddy. . .
 
2010-09-30 02:44:33 PM  

Small Hands Make It Look Bigger: How come all my wine comes in a box?


The orderlies don't trust you with glasses. And they've been lying to you. Those are juice boxes. You can tell because the straw is still attached.
 
2010-09-30 02:44:42 PM  
My girlfriend always makes me go to wine tastings on Sundays. I really never know what to say as most reds taste like reds and whites taste like whites. So I just stand there and give "hmmm's" and "oh I get that too's!" Once the vineyard employee's start getting up in my business about urinating outside we usually decide to leave.
base-12.com

/used to tailgate with this stuff, wa bam!
 
2010-09-30 02:44:55 PM  
11) Got any shiatz Malt Liquor?
 
2010-09-30 02:45:02 PM  

FarkinHostile: fearmongert

Will this crap get me laid?

When I was a young man, I "hated" wine. Beer and booze for me, wine was for chicks and gays. Well, I started to date this very hot girl (sigh....Jill. Sigh....) who loved wine, white Zinfandel to be specific, so I ended up drinking wine with her on our "dates" (more like NSA hook-ups, but I digress). After we ended our wonderful relationship, I noticed that many, if not most, girls liked wine, so I started to develop a taste for it.

In short, yes, wine will get you laid.


First, CSB

Second, "white zinfandel" is not wine. It might as well be called Purple Drank for college girls.
 
2010-09-30 02:46:15 PM  
A

ChrisDe: Can you bring me some fresh wine? The freshest you've got!


Ah yes, but no more 1966. Lets splurge! Bring us some fresh wine! The freshest you've got - this year! No more of this old stuff.
 
2010-09-30 02:46:30 PM  

FarkinHostile: who loved wine, white Zinfandel to be specific


That's not wine. That's koolade for people pretending to be adults.
 
2010-09-30 02:46:37 PM  

RantCasey: My girlfriend always makes me go to wine tastings on Sundays. I really never know what to say as most reds taste like reds and whites taste like whites. So I just stand there and give "hmmm's" and "oh I get that too's!" Once the vineyard employee's start getting up in my business about urinating outside we usually decide to leave.


/used to tailgate with this stuff, wa bam!


Paisano is a good plain table wine. I don't know why, but I love that stuff.
 
2010-09-30 02:46:42 PM  

Pocket Ninja: It's really not that hard to become a wine connoisseur. I've been drinking and collecting wine for years, and am happy to share some small tidbits that can help even someone to to wine appreciate it more readily.


You are the Michel Rolland of Fark.
 
2010-09-30 02:46:58 PM  
29.media.tumblr.com

Sparkling Muscatel. One of the finest wines of Idaho.
 
2010-09-30 02:47:12 PM  

abhorrent1: "How long does wine last once opened?"

If my wife is around, it's lasts about 10 minutes.


Champagne will last until breakfast if you have oranges or orange juice to make mimosas. All other wines are considered off when they are full of cigarett butts and cigar ashes. If you can still tell there are cigarette butts in the wine, you haven't finished it yet. It's still good.
 
2010-09-30 02:48:33 PM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Next time, I'll pop one or two anti-histamines (probably diphenhydramine) and enjoy my wine without any possible problems.


Except maybe reaching the end of the bottle before passing out.

Always loved how diphenhydramine warns not to combine it with alcohol. Why not? Because it makes the alcohol work a whole lot better. Great combo for transatlantic flights.
 
2010-09-30 02:48:33 PM  
Pocket Ninja: White grapes make white wine, which you should only drink if you're eating fish.

I don't eat fish, but what about other sea creatures?

Lobster and crab are pink, should I have them with red or white.

Clams and mussels for white, I assume.

Etc

/doesn't really like wine, my sweet tooth precludes me from it. Except desert wines.

/My current "snack" wine.
sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net
 
2010-09-30 02:48:36 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Anyway, that's a quick primer. Enjoy your wine drinking!


I'd like to add a few items:

White wines should be served cold. Ice cold. I recommend putting the bottle in the freezer for at least 2 hours prior to consumption, and adding ice cubes if needed.

Likewise, red wines are much better warm. Putting the wine in direct sunlight for a day, or failing that store it above the stove or refrigerator for a few days. Prior to drinking, a soak in a warm water bath will usually make it nice and warm. If your wine is getting cool at the table, cup the glass in your hands to warm it up. Red wine should burn the nose (the alcohol is evaporating from the heat!)... this allows you to drink more and not get drunk, but also means the wine is ready.

If a wine is corked (ie has ANY piece of cork in it) return it immediately. Cork ruins wine, period. Some wines have a musty, wet cardboard sort of flavor. This is normal, and pointing it out will make you seem like an unsophisticated NUBE.

All wines improve with age. A $6.99 bottle of California Chardonnay will taste like a $75 bottle of White Burgundy if you give it enough time... Age is what you are paying for.

Beware of restaurants with inexpensive wine lists... they are just passing on favorited! to clean out inventory of wine distributors. Proper wine cellars / lists are expensive... expect 3-4x retail at a reputable restaurant.

As Pocket Ninja said, Enjoy your Wine Drinking!
 
2010-09-30 02:48:47 PM  

Cyborg77: I went to a fancy pants wine festival in Virginia a couple weekends ago. Most of the folks there were serious wine hipsters asking about the leg and the nose and whatever other body parts fermented grape juice has. To entertain myself I came up with some questions to ask the vineyard reps:

-Does this come in anything bigger than a 1.5L bottle?

-How hard would this be to clean off a toilet if I throw up?

-What would be a good wine pairing for salt and vinegar chips?

-Does this come in a can?

-If there are blue and green grapes, why aren't there any blue and green wines?

-If I swish this around my mouth enough does it act like mouthwash?


I would love to be at a wine tasting you attend. Those are awesome questions and I want to see those snobs get aneurysms.
 
2010-09-30 02:49:10 PM  

Cyborg77: What would be a good wine pairing for salt and vinegar chips?


Probably a sweet German wine. Reisling or gwurstaminer, maybe.
 
2010-09-30 02:49:38 PM  
FTFA: "Hey, there are crystals in my wine!"

Not actually a question

So, 9 questions and one ridiculously stupid exclamation.

/That I hope to one day hear someone yell at a steak restaurant. "Waiter! Waiter - hey! There are crystals in my wine!" "No, madam. That's just your boyfriend's unoriginal method of proposing marriage to you."
 
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