Jack Bauer again gets special treatment.

"I couldn't believe," she said, "that man was so valuable it took two men with assault rifles to escort him to Livermore."

You know what? Neither do I.
What kind of bullshiat was really going on?

FTFA: Just before 3 p.m. Saturday, a white Chevy Blazer pulled up to the arrival curb outside Terminal A at Mineta San Jose International Airport. Two men dressed in black parked the SUV, switched on its hazard lights and approached the information desk to inquire about American Airlines Flight 1205 from Dallas. Both carried assault rifles strapped across their chests, with handguns in their holsters.

Doesn't the airport have its own security guards or TSA who are supposed to look for things like this? I know that if I see people in battle dress with semi/automatic weapons and no identifying logos/patches at the airport I'm going to calmly notify the nearest official-looking person I see. If I pull up in Arrivals with my hazards on for 30 seconds in a sport shirt with a minivan I always have some asshole cop breathing down my neck like I'm Al-Qaeda or some shiat.

So few eyebrows were raised, they didn't even publish an article about the event.

/wait

In unrelated, and unreported news, one of the US's top nuclear experts was kidnapped in broad daylight at Norman Mineta International Airport. His current whereabouts are unknown, and US officials are not commenting on reports that he had "a number" of suitcases containing unknown documents, material or devices destined for Livermore Nuclear Research Labs.

Airport security officials report that the video of the luggage arriving at the carousel is "fuzzy -- like someone overexposed it or something".

Oh, come on... if ever there was a time to tow the vehicle.

lexnaturalis: It's not illegal to carry weapons in airports as long as you're not inside the "secure zone." I know some folks that routinely open carry at airports in PA. Admittedly they don't carry AR-15's (My guess as to what the "assault rifles" were).

They're effectively feds. Probably real M4s or something tacticool like an H&K MPwhatever.

Why are their "volunteers" at the airport?

Bergyd: the only thing i learned is that we are under an orange alert level

IT'S ORANGE DAMMIT....AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOU CARE!!!!11!

Bergyd: infact, "There are no published criteria for the threat levels, and thus no independent way to tell whether the current threat level is accurate. The threat levels Green (low risk) and Blue (general risk) have will never been used." -wiki

Fixed.

"I wondered if they were going to shoot somebody coming off the plane," one volunteer said. She resolved to dive under her desk if that happened.

Still, she was worried.

Alright, two things:

1) Nice proactive thinking, there. Way to take the initiative and do something about this. Let's make sure we get that on your resume.

2) Which part of "oh, I guess I'm going to have to hide under my desk to avoid dying in a hail of gunfire today" leads to "still, she was worried"? Was that supposed to settle her down?

daleymoe: Anyone know what goes on at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory? I do not.

They handle luggage.

There's so many parodies of the threat level colors that it's almost not worth mentioning it except to dismiss it as less than useless, and in fact we're probably in more danger with it than without. So what do we use to replace it? Glad you asked. Here is Dr. Love Zombie's replacement, guaranteed to do just as much for you as the Threat Rainbow:

Level One -- Watchful: Base level. Everybody just pays attention.
Unattended bags with countdown timers get extra attention. Unattended bags with a teddy bear and a huge Toblerone sticking out of them get taken to Left Luggage where the good stuff will be stolen, just like old times. People with bottles of water will be complimented on how hydrated their skin looks.
People with packages marked Plastique Plai Doe Play Dough Play-Doh will be singled out for extra attention during search.
Bags will be put through normal security. Bags that test positive for explosives will be searched more thoroughly. Bags with a buzzing dildo will be opened and the sex toy duct-taped to the outside of the bag at the carousel.

Level Two -- Active Threat: If there's active chatter that is CREDIBLE evidence of an active plan to do something naughty with an airline, then all agents will begin active screening using the methods taught/trained by El Al. Wait... you mean the majority of the agents in this country can't spell El Al, much less pass the training needed to engage in psychological profiling? Can you say "We're hiring!"? Upon announcement of an Active Threat, all TSA employees with less than a college education will be placed on trash duty, while the rest will begin profiling travelers using the "we've never had a 85 year old grandma in a wheelchair blow shiat up" modality of profiling. In other words, if you have a visa from an Arab country, of course you're farking getting extra attention. Ditto if your name is on a watch list of any sort, UNLESS you're 9 and it's patently obvious that you are not the person that the FBI is looking for. Justin Bieber will immediately be Tased and hogtied, even if he's nowhere near an airport. Yes, at this point you may have to give up your water bottle, but only if you refuse to take a big swig from it.

Level Three -- There is No Level Three. If there is an immediate threat that is credible and there is evidence that a flight or flights have been selected, or that terrorists have initiated an action, well duh. Ground those farking flights. Anyone with a turban suddenly asking to change their ticketing to a flight that is flying high enough to totally break into small pieces will be detained and hogtied next to Justin Bieber until they confess and give up their confederates. I mean, holy crap, people. If we actually know that there's a plan in motion, maybe grounding some stuff would AT THAT POINT be a good idea. But not before.

Things which, in my plan, will get you immediately beaten by men in balaclavas:

Putting anyone younger than 10 or older than 70 through SSSS screening unless they are actively ticking.

Making anyone who is dependent on braces or crutches move any distance without them.

Randomly SSSS searching the 35 year old Green Beret captain who is in uniform, while waving through the four nervous Saudi men right behind him, because "the computer told you to".

Freaking the fark out because someone forgot their goddamn briefcase and forcing an evacuation of the entire airside. Open the farking thing and see if there's an ID. Or, y'know, maybe look at the tag on the outside. Not everyone's D. O. Guerrero, you fool (very few people will get that reference).

If you're a flight attendant and you freak out because someone's mean to you, the air marshal should be allowed to put a bullet in you to shut you the fark up. For a first offense.

jehovahs witness protection: daleymoe: Anyone know what goes on at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory? I do not.

They handle luggage.

I don't know why, but I found that incredibly farking funny.

daleymoe: Anyone know what goes on at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory? I do not.

Like most big government labs, alot of their research has to do with things that go boom. They've got a restricted area in the hills east of Livermore that is easy to spot from the air since it is usually a big charred spot.