Request #1: Shut the fark up and bring me my food.

Yeah, that wasn't written as a troll.

But here. Let's see if we can't re-create some of that tone.

***

First of all, this:

Have you dined here before?

is one about the most stupid questions that exists in the restaurant dining experience. Unless successfully eating at the restaurant requires some extraordinary piece of information that no normal person would be expected to possess--like, for example, the back door opens every half hour and a pack of hyenas is released into the room and anybody who doesn't immediately leap onto their table is ripped asunder and becomes the next special--my having been or not been in the restaurant before is meaningless. Give me a menu, tell me the specials, bring me my drink, and be on your pretty little way.

Of course, you do need to check back in every now and then. If you check back in and see that someone's drink is near empty, you should immediately ask if they want a refill. Note, though, that in cases where someone has ordered a bottle of wine, you should not take it upon yourself to pour it for them--unless, of course, they've asked for you to do this. Lifting a bottle of wine and pouring it into a glass takes no special training, contrary to what you may have been told in that exclusive waiter training you did when you followed that other waiter around like a puppy for two weeks. Someone who's drinking from a bottle probably wants to do it him or herself, and doesn't need you pushing them through the bottle just so you can try to add another one to the tab. Don't worry...they'll order one if they want one.

On another note, do remember that, unless specifically invited, you have no contribution of any worth to make to any conversation taking place at the table. Nobody wants to hear your comment on a story someone at the table is telling. Nobody cares that you have a friend who just got back from the same vacation. Nobody cares that you're trying to be an actor. All anybody cares about is that you serve the table in a benignly friendly way and don't require *us* to accommodate *you*. Which also means that if you approach the table and find everybody there in the midst of a conversation, you DO NOT interrupt it to ask if anybody wants more bread, or to admit that you've forgotten part of the order because you didn't write any of it down and instead tried to operate off of the fearsome power of your own memory. Instead, you stand quietly off the side and wait to be recognized. Don't worry, we see you. We won't make you wait long if you haven't been a pain in the ass up to that point.

Eh, too easy.

Request #4: If you pay with cash and desire change, say something.

You are working. I am dining and relaxing. Ask me if I would like change back.

Besides, I thought it was assumed you wanted change unless you said something like "That's good" when handing over the dough.

Request #2: Keep the cell phones off the table

How about you not spill shiat when doing your job? Or, instead of reaching across the table, you pull the cup to the side and poor something in to it. Or, just bring me a filled cup of something.

Request #4: If you pay with cash and desire change, say something.

That's not my goddamn job. I'm eating my food. How about you just bring back change no matter what? Ever thought of that? Instead of just assuming that the extra pile of money is yours...just bring the money back and I'll decide how much you get.

Whew, all this nagging, you're probably wondering if you deserve anything at this point? Of course you do.

I'm paying for a meal, am I not? I didn't wonder in off the street and take up a seat for 2 hours hoping that my nice attitude would grant me the opportunity to eat food.

I'm giving you $20 to $70 to eat food and get stuff put on my table for 2 hours without you complaining or acting like a jackass.

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I go out of my way to say please and thank-you. I don't try to make waves or be a pain in the ass. But, when a waiter gets all indignant when the customer doesn't do things their way...it's really goddamn annoying.

It isn't the customer's job to do things a certain way that make your life easier. It's nice. Not terrible.

What a prick.

Diogenes: Request #4: If you pay with cash and desire change, say something.

You are working. I am dining and relaxing. Ask me if I would like change back.

I cannot stress "this" enough. If you hand me a bill and I pay with legal tender, the amount of which exceeds the bill you handed me, bring me back my farking change. I get to decide whether you get all, some, or none of it. Which brings me to another thing:

Autogratuities may be a "necessary evil" with large parties, but guess what -- if my bill includes an 18% autogratuity, you get not one cent more. I normally go 20% or a bit over, but if your joint figures me to be a potential stiff, take it up with them, not me. If the bill's already got a tip less than 20%, you have lost money with me, not guaranteed yourself a tip.

Diogenes: You are working. I am dining and relaxing. Ask me if I would like change back.

Besides, I thought it was assumed you wanted change unless you said something like "That's good" when handing over the dough.

Yep. Most competent waitstaff, when handed the bill and payment, will say something along the lines of "I'll be right back with your change". That gives you the opportunity to tell them to keep it or whatever.

FTA: "No matter who asks these questions, they always are heard in a naggy-grandmother voice, like you might die unless you have more carbs this instant."

I have an idea. Maybe, when someone requests a refill on some item, you don't wait until they're almost finished with their meal to bring it. This is the exact reason I hate being forced to go to Olive Garden. You can't get a f*cking extra breadstick if you're life depended on it. And when someone asks for a refill, quit acting like the price of the refill comes out of your paycheck or acting like you have broken legs and you have to trek through 500 miles of bandit infested, radioactive desert to get what's requested.

Oh yeah, when you have a table of eight or more people and you set out a basket of five breadsticks and immediately try to haul ass to hide out in the kitchen, you're probably going to be asked to bring more. And you'll do that just as soon as you see we've finished our meals and are ready to leave, of course.

Yes, we know you've had a shiatty night because you had a table full of assholes before we got there. But, you being an asshole to your new table won't get you the kind of tip you think you deserve.

I'll be darned. Came in expecting a whiny-server biatchfest with some kid-hating and racist undertones. Leaving...disappointed? satisfied?

Please, have the expectation that your server might present you with fresh banter

No, I have expectations that my server will bring me food. If I'm out with friends or family I want to talk to them, not you. I don't care that you're a struggling actor with this part-time job to help your kids...

What the waiter doesn't understand is that I'm a powerless corporate drone who hates his low-level IT job, has a nagging wife and uncontrollable children, and the only opportunities I get to feel like a man are when I get to be mean to the servant class and when I get to talk about doing so on Fark!

Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin playing just for the waitresses.

Spike Lee's Favorite Farker: This is precisely why I never tip unless you have done something special for me in the dining experience.

Sorry but your wages are between you and your employer.

Every one knows 'Canadians' don't tip for shiat. Is it any wonder you get crappy service?

Lt. Cheese Weasel: Spike Lee's Favorite Farker: This is precisely why I never tip unless you have done something special for me in the dining experience.

Sorry but your wages are between you and your employer.

Every one knows 'Canadians' don't tip for shiat. Is it any wonder you get crappy service?

I wouldn't type for shiat when I can produce my own at home.

I'm Canadian, I tip well. You're thinking Quebecers.

BunkoSquad: What the waiter doesn't understand is that I'm a powerless corporate drone who hates his low-level IT job, has a nagging wife and uncontrollable children, and the only opportunities I get to feel like a man are when I get to be mean to the servant class and when I get to talk about doing so on Fark!


Harry? Harry Mudd? Is that you?

I_Am_Weasel: Lt. Cheese Weasel: Spike Lee's Favorite Farker: This is precisely why I never tip unless you have done something special for me in the dining experience.

Sorry but your wages are between you and your employer.

Every one knows 'Canadians' don't tip for shiat. Is it any wonder you get crappy service?

I wouldn't type for shiat when I can produce my own at home.

I'm Canadian, I tip well. You're thinking Quebecers.

Derp. 'Canadian' is waiter codespeak for blacks.

I just read Waiter Rant frankly I'm a bit O.D.ed on service and food-industry blathering, especially when talking of decorum while displaying a complete lack of it.

It's like the stupid idjits on the subway who bump into people and turn into sputtering red-faced anger vectors yelling "EXCUSE ME! WHERE ARE YOUR GOT DAMN MANNERS? GEEEEEZE!"

Lt. Cheese Weasel: I_Am_Weasel: Lt. Cheese Weasel: Spike Lee's Favorite Farker: This is precisely why I never tip unless you have done something special for me in the dining experience.

Sorry but your wages are between you and your employer.

Every one knows 'Canadians' don't tip for shiat. Is it any wonder you get crappy service?

I wouldn't type for shiat when I can produce my own at home.

I'm Canadian, I tip well. You're thinking Quebecers.

Derp. 'Canadian' is waiter codespeak for blacks.

Can't be. There are no black people in Quebec. Or Alberta.