From Unfreakable:

No update from Drew this week, so enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-08-29 to Sat 2010-09-04:

   Woman dies in helicopter parent crash    

   But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is rape, and I am the sun    

   Wife of trapped miner finds another hole he was stuck in    

   Chinese officials are forcing families with the last name "Shan" to change it, because it requires a character that can't be typed in standard word-processing programs. In fact, you might say, the fit has hit the Shan    

   Tapped Chilean miner sends wedding proposal to his sweetheart. Article is useless without picks    

   Magistrate decrees logodaedaelian hoosegow cageling may retain his thesaurus. You presented this typescript with a more frumptuous epigraph    

   Sheen from yesterday's oil rig explosion downgraded to Estevez    

   Truck smashes into apartment building. I guess it's a flat now    

   How Christians spoil sex: An alternative view from a missionary's position    

   Thousands protest French crackdown on Gypsies. In other news, French President Nicolas Sarkozy is beginning to look ...thinner    

   Amana-ccused of throwing air conditioner at police after Rheeming his frigid heir. Tag is for subby    


Sports:

   Favre last night: 0 TDs, 2 INTs. Love him or hate him, it's impressive he can miss all of training camp and be right in playoff form    

   Seven-year-old boy attends nearly 500 Orioles games, enjoying dozens of wins    

   Jacksonville State, led by a true freshman QB, comes back from 21 to win at Ole Miss. Apparently, Masoli couldn't steal the game    


Geek:

   Geneticists jailbreak apple DNA    

   Breast, ovary removal cuts cancer risk. In other exciting news, leg amputation reduces risk of ACL injuries    

   Bacteria controlled by magnets build a tiny pyramid, start sacrificing protozoa to Ra    


Showbiz:

   Christina Hendricks' dress once again wins best role in supporting an actress    

   Jennifer Grey worried about competing on "Dancing with the Stars," being put in a corner    

   Robert Pattinson was almost crushed to death by an elephant last week. Shockingly, it doesn't involve his Twilight fanbase    


Politics:

   U.S. disappointed at Israel's leading ultra-Orthodox party, Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, for saying all Palestinians should perish. U.S. asks that Israel check Yosef before he wrecks himsef    

   Jesse Jackson shows up at rally for green jobs in an Escalade, is dismayed to discover that auto theft is carbon neutral    

   Obama says his economic policies halted "bleeding," all but assuring adviser Tim Geithner will win the Nobel Tampon for economics    


Music:

   I don't know what's worse, the fact that someone suckered in hundreds of people with bogus Take That tickets, or that hundreds of people want to see Take That desperately enough    

   Seen another darned liszt of things that depress you? No need for haydn, you can handel it. Just bach it all off with the Mozart Effect    

   Coming soon to a store near you: The Rolling Stones Monopoly. Go directly to jail, do not pass Altamont, do not collect $200    


Business:

   Toyota recalls the Matrix. Whoa. Déjà vu    

   Drake University's new "D+" logo shows you may not want to base an advertising campaign on the polling of high school students    

   Kia recalls 56,000 Souls. Let the Reaping begin    
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