Well Duh

That's a "pretty cool headline, bro."

So his boss ratted him out as the winner? Not cool!

Sounds like he cut out and is currently mulleting his options.

Yay, my town finally made it to fark.

I hope he gives me a cut.

I do not like all of this publicity about my town. The less people know about it, the better.

/it's paradise.
//gmtfo of Portland!!

Here is your money puny bahber. Ve vill now fight to see who keeps it.

1. Win lottery
2. Do not tell anybody
3. Repeat 2.

Probably getting the fark away from crazy friends and family before he comes forward.
/it is what i would do

If I won that kinda money, the first thing I would have to buy would be a new ass, mines cracked.

Stanfan114: 1. Win lottery
2. Do not tell anybody
3. Repeat 2.

Truth! In addition, you should disappear for awhile and leave no way for anyone to reach you. All of your ex-girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands will come out like cockroaches trying to get a piece of your winnings.

What a Barber running might look like:

Stanfan114: 1. Win lottery
2. Do not tell anybody
3. Repeat 2.

This poor guy is not going to be able to handle his new found wealth. He is probably going to end up being another one of those sad stories where getting rich ruins his life completely.

Jumping in before all the crazies that say:
"I'd still work at my job if I won the lottery".
I personally would not.
I would however possibly do two chicks at once.
/two

If I won the lottery, I'd keep my old job because doggone it when I get up in the morning every day, I think to myself what a great day it is to be alive and to help the wonderful people that I interact with each and every day!

It was mighty sharp of him to quit the barbershop. Prolly goin to get him a Big Mick.

He'll be dead in less than two years.

I hope I'm wrong.

wingerFNG: Jumping in before all the crazies that say:
"I'd still work at my job if I won the lottery".
I personally would not.
I would however possibly do two chicks at once.
/two

If I won this kind of money...Not only would I quit my job, I would go out all Half Baked style.. Fark You, Fark You, You're Cool, Fark you. Then I would giggle like a teenage boy seeing boobs for the first time and haul ass out the door.

/I actually like my desk job
//Damn I need to win the lottery

Wait until the IRS haircut takes "a little off the top"

Kazrath: Stanfan114: 1. Win lottery
2. Do not tell anybody
3. Repeat 2.

This poor guy is not going to be able to handle his new found wealth. He is probably going to end up being another one of those sad stories where getting rich ruins his life completely.

People like that do not think like a rich person. What one should really do with that first payment is buy a yacht, fill it with alcohol and hookers and no cell phones, and sail to the Bahamas and anchor there for a few years.

People have a short attention span. Once the hubub dies down, you can go back to your life in the States. That is, if you still want to.

I don't think anyone would know about it if I won, not even me.

That's Mr. Michael to you, Subby.

If I ever won the lottery, the first thing I would do is buy a gold-plated submarine with a robot for a chauffer.
Also, I would need a chimp in a tuxedo for a butler.

StreetlightInTheGhetto: Rapmaster2000: If I won the lottery, I'd keep my old job because doggone it when I get up in the morning every day, I think to myself what a great day it is to be alive and to help the wonderful people that I interact with each and every day!

Are you being sarcastic, Dude?

I certainly would return to my office. Mostly to slam beers and then do a massive burnout in the parking lot with a pink El Camino while blasting Iron Maiden.

I'm attempting to relive the "dream last day of school" that I never got.

bolshoyjoe: Yay, my town finally made it to fark.

Would you have still bragged if it the story involved a stepladder, a moose, and buttsex?

Bleuser: wingerFNG: Jumping in before all the crazies that say:
"I'd still work at my job if I won the lottery".
I personally would not.
I would however possibly do two chicks at once.
/two

If I won this kind of money...Not only would I quit my job, I would go out all Half Baked style.. Fark You, Fark You, You're Cool, Fark you. Then I would giggle like a teenage boy seeing boobs for the first time and haul ass out the door.

/I actually like my desk job
//Damn I need to win the lottery

I would like to subscribe to your news letter

Harry Freakstorm: Here is your money puny bahber. Ve vill now fight to see who keeps it.

Incompetent politicians from either party who won/lost via popularity contest, fighting over private Americans' money. Excellent way of summing up the US (anywhere, really) political system there.

I think me and a few friends would stay at Richard Branson's place for a while. Necker Island. Just to figure out what to do next.

GoodyearPimp: It was mighty sharp of him to quit the barbershop. Prolly goin to get him a Big Mick.

me_onthenet: What a Barber running might look like:

Came for barber. Leaving full. Thank you.

So, not saying I would be stellar at handling that much cash all at once either, but if I did, I like to think that, at the very least, I wouldn't end up completely decrepit and on welfare in two years.

1. Find a competent trust lawyer, a wealth management firm, and a tax advisor.
2. Claim your ticket in the name of your newly created trust, after making sure that the laywer keeps it not easily traceable back to you, to minimize the crazies.
3. Blow through the first $3-5MM (depending on the total jackpot size) in utterly ridiculous ways as fast as humanly possible. Light thousand dollar cigars with hundred dollar bills. Buy two Ferraris, wreck them into each other because you're not happy with the color, then buy another Ferrari that suits your personality better. Spend $100k on a weekend in Vegas, complete with hookers and and an all-you-can-snort buffet. Get all the bugnuts crazy spending out of your system.
4. Now keep another $500k in cash or travelers checks, and go on a vacation that's at least a few months long.
5. Return home when the news forgets about you, make sure your wealth management firm knows what they're doing, and live off a million a year or so for the rest of your life. If you have any left over out of that million each year, donate it to charity. Because it's not doing any good just sitting there, and you probably need to atone for everything else you've done during the year anyway.

That's my plan, anyway. You know, for when I win the lottery. Cuz it's gonna happen, I tells ya! This next time! I can feel it!

cakster: Probably getting the fark away from crazy friends and family before he comes forward.
/it is what i would do

Probably meeting with an accountant, setting up trust funds, buying private island

My plan for winning the lottery is to clean off the knife and burn and bury the body of the real winner since I don't play the lottery, plus this way I'm guaranteed to be set for life.

the cake is a pie: So, not saying I would be stellar at handling that much cash all at once either, but if I did, I like to think that, at the very least, I wouldn't end up completely decrepit and on welfare in two years.

1. Find a competent trust lawyer, a wealth management firm, and a tax advisor.
2. Claim your ticket in the name of your newly created trust, after making sure that the laywer keeps it not easily traceable back to you, to minimize the crazies.
3. Blow through the first $3-5MM (depending on the total jackpot size) in utterly ridiculous ways as fast as humanly possible. Light thousand dollar cigars with hundred dollar bills. Buy two Ferraris, wreck them into each other because you're not happy with the color, then buy another Ferrari that suits your personality better. Spend $100k on a weekend in Vegas, complete with hookers and and an all-you-can-snort buffet. Get all the bugnuts crazy spending out of your system.
4. Now keep another $500k in cash or travelers checks, and go on a vacation that's at least a few months long.
5. Return home when the news forgets about you, make sure your wealth management firm knows what they're doing, and live off a million a year or so for the rest of your life. If you have any left over out of that million each year, donate it to charity. Because it's not doing any good just sitting there, and you probably need to atone for everything else you've done during the year anyway.

That's my plan, anyway. You know, for when I win the lottery. Cuz it's gonna happen, I tells ya! This next time! I can feel it!

You gotta be in it to win it.

Follow up: lottery winner accused of [fake sex crime] by [some single mom slag].

The locals in the comments section say the winner has been telling about his winning ticket all over town.

My biggest concern with winning the lottery would be some dirt-bag kidnapping a family member for ransom.

I would use my winnings to
Make a movie about winning the lottery.
The star would be a smart, attractive, and succesful african american.
He would win on a friday and he could not collect the money until Tuesday because Monday is Labor day.

seriously ... I would have have dirty fun with 10 different women a day until I figured out what to do next.

"Mike's Barber Shop" would be a good name for a band.

Rapmaster2000: If I won the lottery, I'd keep my old job because doggone it when I get up in the morning every day, I think to myself what a great day it is to be alive and to help the wonderful people that I interact with each and every day!

The optimistic troll, well played. The exclamation point was the icing on the cake
7.5/10

hobblekitty: The lottery is a tax on people that can't do math.

I used to think that until I was in line behind my statistics professor at a convenience store and he bought a lottery ticket. As I looked on with disbelief he asked me two questions:

"What is the chance of winning the lottery?" crap, like one in a quadzillion!

"Correct, now what is the chance of winning the lottery if you don't buy a ticket?"

/play two or three times a year because of that

If I won the lottery, I would construct a 24k gold scale replica of my erection next to the Washington Monument but 5 feet higher, put a duffel-bag full of $100 bills on top, lube the whole thing up with 500,000 gallons of KY-Jelly, and just let them come as I watch from a comfortable distance.