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(Cracked)   "Being born in mediæval Europe was like playing the world's worst game of womb-roulette"   (cracked.com) divider line 86
    More: Obvious, womb, source of energy, crime boss, coal mining, blood supply, asphyxiation, puberty, M. Night Shyamalan  
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28859 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Jul 2010 at 1:04 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2010-07-11 01:06:17 PM
Being born in mediæval Europe was like playing the world's worst game of womb-roulette
 
2010-07-11 01:11:12 PM
And the dickwads of the era probably insisted that it's not really that bad, and anyone who objected was a weak whiny baby.

Sunrise, sunset.
 
2010-07-11 01:11:17 PM
No mention of Fark being a Cracked whore yet?

I am (or would be, if I could care) disappoint(ed).
 
2010-07-11 01:11:32 PM
Bah! Most of this is lifted straight off Worst Jobs in History. Fun viewing- on YouTube. Look it up if you have time to kill.
 
2010-07-11 01:13:36 PM
But remember: government regulation of industry is evil and should be stopped.
 
2010-07-11 01:18:19 PM
I dunno. Being a slave in Ancient Rome or on a tobacco plantation in prewar Louisiana might suck a little more. Maybe a peasant in Feudal Japan or China after the Mongol conquest would suck too. How about a black African today in any of the starvation racked AIDS riddled nations of Sub-Saharan Africa?

Pretty much if you live in the First World in modern times you hit the equivalent of the womb roulette Powerball.
 
2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM
They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
Now, if you were female, and just married, your life of danger was just starting. Nowadays, the death of a child tends to split up marriages. Back then, it just meant you had another kid so there was someone to carry on the family name and the addition to the cottage didn't go to waste. If none of your kids died before they were ten, you worried, because that meant the fates were saving up something really nasty for you, like a Viking raid or a case of hoof-and-mouth in your sheep.
 
2010-07-11 01:20:57 PM
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel: No mention of Fark being a Cracked whore yet?

I am (or would be, if I could care) disappoint(ed).


Yeah, I like Cracked too and all, but much like reposting articles from the Onion: We know satire writing is funny, and if we want to, we can just go to the site it came from and read it.
 
2010-07-11 01:22:10 PM
PROTIP: Taking excerpts from Wikipedia, paraphrasing them to sound more "snarky" and inserting random stock photos does not make a funny article.
 
2010-07-11 01:24:34 PM
cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.
 
2010-07-11 01:25:48 PM
No, the worst job was the body cutter for the Egyptian mummies.

See, to the egyptians, the body was sacred, especially after death, so it could not be harmed because he would not be 'whole' in the aftelife. But the priests and embalmers needed to remove organs and whatnot to mummify the bodies. Solution? The priests would hire someone to make the first cut, usually small.

And then? He needed to run his ass off, because the pissed-off priests would be chasing him down with stones and weapons if they managed to corner the son of a biatch.

In the mature practice of mummification, there were three distinct groups of practitioners. They included the cutter who made the incision in the flank of the mummy, the scribe who supervised this work and the embalmer himself, who belonged to a special guild or organization and was responsible for leading the mummification ceremonies and for wrapping the mummy in bandages. The latter actually supervised all of the stages of the mummification process and wore a jackal-headed mask to impersonate Anubis, the god of embalming, as he performed the rituals.

The embalmers were actually a special class of priest and were considered to be highly skilled professionals, probably with close ties with the medical doctors. Their office was hereditary. Under their charge might be others, including those who made coffins and wooden funerary figures, as well as other items for the tomb.

On the other hand, the cutters had one of the lowest statuses in society, because of the ritual "impurity" associated with the incision in the corpse and the removing of the viscera. They also obviously faced certain health risks. This class of individual in the mummification process may have even included criminals.


/More info here (new window)
 
2010-07-11 01:28:23 PM
Barbie Dream Hearse:
Yeah, I like Cracked too and all, but much like reposting articles from the Onion: We know satire writing is funny, and if we want to, we can just go to the site it came from and read it.


THIS

Now somebody has to defend the practice by saying it's such a thrill to discuss dick-joke articles in the comfortable atmosphere of a Fark thread. Also, the article isn't even funny.
 
2010-07-11 01:29:45 PM
I would like to point out for the Whipping Boy that Charles I got his comeuppance because karma is a biatch with a great big nasty axe
 
2010-07-11 01:31:07 PM
redundantman: Being born in mediæval Europe was like playing the world's worst game of womb-roulette

Deeeeeeeeeeeeerp
 
2010-07-11 01:32:35 PM
jake3988: cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.


The average life expectancy was pulled down by 2 groups. Children under 8- back then the parents probably didn't want to get too attached to Jr. Childhood diseases, accidents, burns, contaminated drinking water.

The second group that bit it was child bearing women. If you were lucky you had a midwife, if unlucky, a doctor. Women died of childbirth complications at a high frequency.

Rich didn't keep you out of harms way- remember those doctors?

But overall, if you made it out of childhood alive and got to menopause- if you were a chick- you were pretty farking tough- living to 90 wasn't that unusual.
 
2010-07-11 01:33:46 PM
Life is brutal and cruel. Most of us have had it comparatively easy.
 
2010-07-11 01:33:54 PM
jake3988: cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.


It was not uncommon to live to be that age IF nothing happened to you. Yeah life expectancy was 40, because you count all the under five-year-olds that dropped from common childhood diseases. Then you had tuberculosis and yellow fever waiting for you. Top it all off with dangerous farming practices, near constant war and the possibility of crop failure; yeah life could be brutish and short. Today it's not uncommon for bushmen to still be hunting at 80 and live until 90. Humans are long lived for our size.
 
2010-07-11 01:34:47 PM
cynicalbastard: They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
Now, if you were female, and just married, your life of danger was just starting. Nowadays, the death of a child tends to split up marriages. Back then, it just meant you had another kid so there was someone to carry on the family name and the addition to the cottage didn't go to waste. If none of your kids died before they were ten, you worried, because that meant the fates were saving up something really nasty for you, like a Viking raid or a case of hoof-and-mouth in your sheep.


Exactly: for women, maternal mortality would have been the major killer and a serious reducer in lifespan. Making it to menopause would have been an achievement when a dozen childbirths are normal without drugs or even clean water, let alone monitoring of dangerous conditions like eclampsia.

We've also got to consider that this is medieval Europe. A series of plagues and bloody wars actually reversed population growth in the late middle ages.

So you're right. If you were a man in medieval Europe, and there wasn't a war or a plague ongoing... if you survived early childhood, and didn't have any health problems, you could probably make it to your 60s or even 70s.
 
2010-07-11 01:34:52 PM
Things about Castrati the article gets wrong:

A) It wasn't just a bath it was an opiate solution

B) Castration does not necessarily make a man incapable of an erection a fact which actually made them quite a hit with the ladies in a time before more conventional forms of contraception.

C) The practice, although not as popular, continued into the 19th century.

/Music history geek
 
2010-07-11 01:35:02 PM
what pray tell is the BEST game of womb roulette?
 
2010-07-11 01:35:13 PM
sk8r: Rich didn't keep you out of harms way- remember those doctors?

freepages.history.rootsweb.ancestry.com

/Who knew mercury was toxic?
 
2010-07-11 01:36:18 PM
Womb-roulette was the medieval version of chat roulette.
 
2010-07-11 01:37:28 PM
ChrisSix: Now somebody has to defend the practice by saying it's such a thrill to discuss dick-joke articles in the comfortable atmosphere of a Fark thread. Also, the article isn't even funny.

I won't defend it so much as to say lighten up. The "Cracked" banner was clearly visible on the main page, so if you RTFA you clearly had time to kill.

Second, it is not difficult to find someone on Fark that can laugh at anything. But most people have limits, and stories about children being abused, mutilated, starved and otherwise treated like crap is tough to laugh at. I so much "the people who did this to these kids were REALLY sick farks" than any attempt at humor was destined to fall flat.

This isn't an article to laugh at; it's one to count your farking blessings because our ancestors wouldn't even dream of wasting time snarking around on Fark. They were too busy getting mutilated so some sick asshole could make an extra pence.
 
2010-07-11 01:39:13 PM
dragonchild: I so much "the people who did this to these kids were REALLY sick farks" than any attempt at humor was destined to fall flat.

Derp. That came out weird. Try, "There was so much 'the people who did this to these kids were REALLY sick farks' that any attempt at humor was destined to fall flat."
 
2010-07-11 01:39:43 PM
jake3988: cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.


My first recorded ancestor in North America was born in England in 1591, married in his mid-thirties, moved to the Salem colony in 1630,was a farmer I believe and lasted until 1676. 85 years old. His son was born in 1631, became an innkeeper, and died in 1710. 79 friggin' years. The next couple of generations made it to 60 or so, then my ancestor who fought under Washington was born in 1747 and didn't die until 1830. 83 frickin' years.
Statistics can bite my arse.
 
2010-07-11 01:40:17 PM
grupoo52.files.wordpress.com

"Still holding at Number One: Assistant Crack Whore"
 
2010-07-11 01:44:34 PM
Now I Is!: Castration does not necessarily make a man incapable of an erection a fact which actually made them quite a hit with the ladies in a time before more conventional forms of contraception.

This. There is a marked decrease in libido, but the testes are not the only place in the body that makes testosterone.

So a castrato was a singer that could woo any lady with his voice, and there was a long line of women with drunk/abusive husbands wanting a little side action but NOT a love-child who'd reveal any infidelity. Castratos not only had sex, but probably got way more action than they could handle.

ED is probably far worse, in that the itch is there and it's a means of satisfaction that's taken away.

That one was a bad choice. I can think of many child "careers" that were far worse, so with only six entries to begin with they could've done a lot better.
 
2010-07-11 01:47:15 PM
Apart from the plague - no, it wasn't.
 
2010-07-11 01:49:41 PM
cynicalbastard: jake3988: cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.

===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.

My first recorded ancestor in North America was born in England in 1591, married in his mid-thirties, moved to the Salem colony in 1630,was a farmer I believe and lasted until 1676. 85 years old. His son was born in 1631, became an innkeeper, and died in 1710. 79 friggin' years. The next couple of generations made it to 60 or so, then my ancestor who fought under Washington was born in 1747 and didn't die until 1830. 83 frickin' years.
Statistics can bite my arse.


It's amazing you know that much about your family history. As far as I know my grandfather just materialized out of nowhere on a boat from Greece in the early 1950's.
 
2010-07-11 01:50:10 PM
'Cracked' is such a good news source.

Frank Fingerman
 
2010-07-11 01:52:37 PM
cynicalbastard: My first recorded ancestor in North America was born in England in 1591, married in his mid-thirties, moved to the Salem colony in 1630,was a farmer I believe and lasted until 1676. 85 years old. His son was born in 1631, became an innkeeper, and died in 1710. 79 friggin' years. The next couple of generations made it to 60 or so, then my ancestor who fought under Washington was born in 1747 and didn't die until 1830. 83 frickin' years.
Statistics can bite my arse.


You a son of a witch...
 
2010-07-11 01:54:23 PM
cynicalbastard: jake3988: cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.

My first recorded ancestor in North America was born in England in 1591, married in his mid-thirties, moved to the Salem colony in 1630,was a farmer I believe and lasted until 1676. 85 years old. His son was born in 1631, became an innkeeper, and died in 1710. 79 friggin' years. The next couple of generations made it to 60 or so, then my ancestor who fought under Washington was born in 1747 and didn't die until 1830. 83 frickin' years.
Statistics can bite my arse.


So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!
 
2010-07-11 01:59:47 PM
miss diminutive: It's amazing you know that much about your family history. As far as I know my grandfather just materialized out of nowhere on a boat from Greece in the early 1950's.

This. AFAIK, my great-grandfather was a Spaniard from Andalusia that came to Mexico, made a fortune in silver mining, only to lose it all because the Mexican government (Pres. Porfirio Diaz at the time) took the mines from him because he was not Mexican... Only to then sell those mines to American Mining Companies :/...

/Married a native american woman via the Church, not the state
//I did found his original request of buying the mines in the State Archives
 
2010-07-11 02:00:00 PM
bobbette:
So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!

C'mon. If you were any sort of historian, you'd know that witches in Salem were hanged, except for one who was pressed to death. And that was a guy.
 
2010-07-11 02:00:11 PM
Ah, the golden age of Libertarianism.
 
2010-07-11 02:03:08 PM
cynicalbastard: bobbette:
So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!

C'mon. If you were any sort of historian, you'd know that witches in Salem were hanged, except for one who was pressed to death. And that was a guy.


IIRC, they even hung 3 dogs as witches. What a lovely, sane time that was.
 
2010-07-11 02:03:36 PM
cynicalbastard: bobbette:
So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!

C'mon. If you were any sort of historian, you'd know that witches in Salem were hanged, except for one who was pressed to death. And that was a guy.


Damn! You've exposed my greatest weakness: American history.

Absolutely my most neglected subject-area.
 
2010-07-11 02:03:44 PM
cynicalbastard: jake3988: cynicalbastard 2010-07-11 01:19:29 PM They still repeat that old saw about 50 being considered old age. The fact was, if you made it past childhood, with all the various and sundry ailments, you were probably good for another 40-50 years. Hell, with all the diseases floating around, if you were still alive and in good health at 21, chances were nothing but a direct meteorite strike could put you underground before you hit 70.
===================================================

Yeah, it's always amazed me how long people lived despite the life expectancy being only 40.

Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson (just to name a few) lived well past 80. Hell, until Reagan broke the record John Adams was the oldest-at-death ex-president!

And this is just a tiny sample. Almost all famous people from hundreds of years ago lived very long lives.

So it says two things:
A) If you weren't famous or rich, you probably died REALLY young.
B) Our modern medicine really isn't as great as we think.

My first recorded ancestor in North America was born in England in 1591, married in his mid-thirties, moved to the Salem colony in 1630,was a farmer I believe and lasted until 1676. 85 years old. His son was born in 1631, became an innkeeper, and died in 1710. 79 friggin' years. The next couple of generations made it to 60 or so, then my ancestor who fought under Washington was born in 1747 and didn't die until 1830. 83 frickin' years.
Statistics can bite my arse.


The statistics are correct. The problem is most people (sadly including many academics) don't have a clue what they mean.

/Also, as an aside, 17th and 18th century New England probably had one of the longest lived populations prior to modern medicine. The statistics prove that.
 
2010-07-11 02:03:46 PM
DamnYankees: cynicalbastard: bobbette:
So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!

C'mon. If you were any sort of historian, you'd know that witches in Salem were hanged, except for one who was pressed to death. And that was a guy.

IIRC, they even hung hanged 3 dogs as witches. What a lovely, sane time that was.


FTFM
 
2010-07-11 02:10:51 PM
HelenKellersFingers: 'Cracked' is such a good news source.

Frank Fingerman


snert
 
2010-07-11 02:12:28 PM
...But the 1600s were a different time...
...70 percent of stage performers in the 17th century were castrati...
...If you were a strapping young lad in the 18th or 19th century
...Back in the 17th century...
...The practice started with King James the First...
...during the chimney sweeping heyday in Victorian London...
...Back in the 19th century...


Both author and submitter have unusual definitions of the word "medieval," to say the least. Wait until they hear about the "Renaissance." Won't they be surpised.
 
2010-07-11 02:20:46 PM
DamnYankees: cynicalbastard: bobbette:
So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!

C'mon. If you were any sort of historian, you'd know that witches in Salem were hanged, except for one who was pressed to death. And that was a guy.

IIRC, they even hung 3 dogs as witches. What a lovely, sane time that was.


Well, it was less than 200 years after the Spanish Inquisition too. They weren't exactly sane.

Why are you torturing me?
Because Bob said you were a heretic.
Bob? Why would he say that?
We told him we'd stop torturing him if he gave us a name.
 
2010-07-11 02:22:52 PM
Lampmonster: Why are you torturing me?
Because Bob said you were a heretic.
Bob? Why would he say that?
We told him we'd stop torturing him if he gave us a name.


Actually in the Inquistion you weren't even told who had accused you, or what you were even accused of. You were just taken and thrown in a prison cell for a few years without anyone telling you anything. They figured that if they told you who or what was involved, you would therefore falsely confess to just those issues. By leaving you totally in the dark, they thought you would have no choice but to confess to everything true you could imagine being arrested for.
 
2010-07-11 02:24:47 PM
cynicalbastard: bobbette:
So...

How many cranky old ladies did your ancestors burn?

/My milk tastes funny! BURN GOODY SMITH!

C'mon. If you were any sort of historian, you'd know that witches in Salem were hanged, except for one who was pressed to death. And that was a guy.


"More weight"
 
2010-07-11 02:26:06 PM
It appears the writer has seen Worst Jobs in History and felt the need to write a shiatty 'tribute'.
 
2010-07-11 02:45:40 PM
article like this make me feel much better about my Nike sneakers. Sure they might have been made by child-labor, but chances are that the children who made them are much better of then the children who were worked to death in Europe a few centuries ago.

I wonder how they measure up against the kids who mine all those diamonds that everyone seem to think are so romantic? What about those kids in war-torn African hell holes who dug up all the coltan used in my cell-phone, game console an all those other electronic gadgets.

It is a good thing at least that here and now we have put those inhuman days of child exploitation behind us; at least until some asshole convinces the masses that anti-child-labor laws constitute communism and socialism and unwarranted regulation of the industries that would be far better served regulating themselves guided by the invisible hand of the market.

\I feel very civilized and morally superior to my ancestors.
 
2010-07-11 02:46:46 PM
Yogimus: what pray tell is the BEST game of womb roulette?

The one where you dip your cock in it over and over until you win.
 
2010-07-11 02:50:58 PM
deciusmaximus: I dunno. Being a slave in Ancient Rome or on a tobacco plantation in prewar Louisiana might suck a little more. Maybe a peasant in Feudal Japan or China after the Mongol conquest would suck too. How about a black African today in any of the starvation racked AIDS riddled nations of Sub-Saharan Africa?

Pretty much if you live in the First World in modern times you hit the equivalent of the womb roulette Powerball.


THIS
 
2010-07-11 02:53:20 PM
Wait a minute. Perhaps she's right. Perhaps I've been wrong to blindly follow the medical traditions and superstitions of past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test these assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a "scientific method." Maybe this "scientific method" could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance! Naaaaaahhh! A little bloodletting and some boar's vomit, and he'll be fine!
 
2010-07-11 02:58:07 PM
#7 The children who are forced to write Cracked articles.
 
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