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(Cracked)   Five true war stories that put every action movie to shame   (cracked.com) divider line 77
    More: Cool, British Military, action movies, Dr. Jekyll, platoons, Royal Navy, machine guns, helm, Death Star  
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27947 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jun 2010 at 12:11 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2010-06-03 11:29:18 AM
Forgot one:

Hollywood: Star Trek Next Gen TV Show, big Borg fight

Reality:: Battle off Samar (Wikipop), where in the Pacific during WWII a bunch of destroyers and DEs held off the main Japanese fleet from the Leyte beach head.
 
2010-06-03 11:42:10 AM
 
2010-06-03 11:51:25 AM
So, Cracked decided to stretch out, and do one of those "Top X Lists" I keep hearing so much about? Interesting.

Wonder how it'll go for 'em?
 
2010-06-03 12:13:11 PM
lists of five are the old hotness.

seven is the new hawtness
 
2010-06-03 12:18:54 PM
Funny they talk about Special Operations Executive.

I just sold an old british 'welbike' (a mini motorbike that could drop down in a parachute container) designed by SOE for $8 grand. I am a happy camper.
 
2010-06-03 12:19:30 PM
I remember Pavlov's apartment block. That was some serious bullshiat, Infinity Ward.
 
2010-06-03 12:20:25 PM
How exactly do you "put to shame" a battle spanning many species across several galaxies utilizing worm holes, black holes, pulsars, armies of billions and lasers?

Answer: you cannot
 
2010-06-03 12:20:44 PM
Didn't the first or second Call of Duty more or less recreate the Battle of Stalingrad specifically the first story in the article?
 
2010-06-03 12:21:10 PM
Okay, so this squadron had a bear? With rank? This just proves our grandparents were way more awesome than us. Can you imagine having a bear in the military now? That would never fly.
 
2010-06-03 12:23:20 PM
guspoetry.files.wordpress.com

when they got too close we jumped off the side of the mountain.
 
2010-06-03 12:23:21 PM
LoneCoon: Okay, so this squadron had a bear? With rank? This just proves our grandparents were way more awesome than us. Can you imagine having a bear in the military now? That would never fly.

Well, unless it was in the air force.
 
2010-06-03 12:25:22 PM
LoneCoon: Okay, so this squadron had a bear? With rank? This just proves our grandparents were way more awesome than us. Can you imagine having a bear in the military now? That would never fly.

i254.photobucket.com

/Oblig
 
2010-06-03 12:26:19 PM
Lets see, without looking....

Alvin York, Audie Murphy, Simo Hayha, Pavlov's house, and some top russian sniper.

I'd say Otto Skorzeny but he was an eeeevil nazi.

/looks

meh
 
2010-06-03 12:27:22 PM
cdn-www.cracked.com

I think I just found a new patch for my vest. Seriously, they had a GODDAMN BEAR in their ranks that helped them haul ammunition up, ate with them, and DRANK?! This unit wins for most goddamn badass use of a GODDAMN BEAR!

/hotter than a GODDAMN BEAR!
//did I highlight GODDAMN BEAR enough?
 
2010-06-03 12:32:56 PM
Seth'n'Spectrum: I remember Pavlov's apartment block. That was some serious bullshiat, Infinity Ward.

My favorite map aside from Brecourt.
 
2010-06-03 12:33:07 PM
There was a link to some badass American soldier years ago who was captured, escaped, captured, escaped, shot down, fought with the Russians, and met up with the Army when WWII was over. His picture makes you want to crap your pants. Anyone remember the name or got the pic?
 
2010-06-03 12:33:17 PM
I watched the bear video on youtube and got something in my eye
 
2010-06-03 12:36:21 PM
That bear is farking awesome.
 
2010-06-03 12:36:45 PM
LoneCoon: Okay, so this squadron had a bear? With rank? This just proves our grandparents were way more awesome than us. Can you imagine having a bear in the military now? That would never fly.

Actually I hear once Obama repeals DADT we'll have lots of bears in the military.

/rim shot
 
2010-06-03 12:37:53 PM
drewsclues: There was a link to some badass American soldier years ago who was captured, escaped, captured, escaped, shot down, fought with the Russians, and met up with the Army when WWII was over. His picture makes you want to crap your pants. Anyone remember the name or got the pic?

this the guy?

2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2010-06-03 12:42:40 PM
SlothB77: when they got too close we jumped off the side of the mountain.

That was a good read, amazing story.
 
2010-06-03 12:47:04 PM
Does it include the Wet Offensive?

/the making of the most fake true war story of all time
 
2010-06-03 12:52:08 PM
CastorPimp: I watched the bear video on youtube and got something in my eye

FTFV: Wojtek didn't know he was a bear. Wojtek thought he was a soldier.

There's a Pole joke in there someairs.
 
2010-06-03 12:52:33 PM
[LIKE]


Holy crap - that was awesome! Are you kiddin' me? How did I not know there was a bear in the Polish Army?

That's it, if I ever EVER get divorced, I'm moving to Poland, marrying a hottie, and looking up the decendant of Woltek the bear and giving them beer.

/will NOT let them sleep in my tent, IUKWIM
 
2010-06-03 12:55:23 PM
rikdanger: Forgot one:

Hollywood: Star Trek Next Gen TV Show, big Borg fight

Reality:: Battle off Samar (Wikipop), where in the Pacific during WWII a bunch of destroyers and DEs held off the main Japanese fleet from the Leyte beach head.


That battle really needs to be made into a movie. The one battles episode on the History channel wasn't enough.

Also missing: Battle of Rorke's Drift (new window) Though, it was made into a movie.
 
2010-06-03 12:57:01 PM
I too vividly recall Pavlov's apartment from Call of Duty. That level was a biatch.

And if you watch "The Pacific" on HBO, look up the actual exploits of John Basilone. Dude was so hard-core they had to tone him down for the mini-series.

/Or was it hard-corp?
 
2010-06-03 12:57:41 PM
Forget all of those- watch this:

The Greatest Raid (new window)

Bonus: Hosted by Jeremy Clarkson
 
2010-06-03 12:58:26 PM
There was a story on CNN a few years ago about a bear that broke into a camping site while the family was away and raided all of their beer until it passed out from drunkenness. What's even more awesome is that the bear turned out to be a beer snob. It only drank a few domestics before moving on to the imports and downing them all.

I keep telling the GF that I want a bear in the household. I think she'll break down soon enough.
 
2010-06-03 12:58:46 PM
Guerilla fighter, Tommy Macpherson. Operated in Nazi occupied france wearing a kilt and letting everyone know who he was and what he was doing. He's a personal friend, and titanium balled hero.

Article about him (new window)

FTFA: When Macpherson stepped out of the car in Pont d'Arcay he cut an unforgettable figure. Dressed in full Highland regalia, here was "that lunatic Scotsman who keeps blowing up bridges."

Macpherson blew up every bridge he came across, laid low every pylon he saw, shot every German he met. Roaming the countryside in his kilt in a black Citroën that had a Union Jack pennant on one side and a Croix de Lorraine on the other, he managed an operation of some sort virtually every day. "My favourite was blowing up pylons, which was great fun. On Bastille Day we blew eight separate lines of pylons in celebration, but putting the railway tracks out of action was probably the most important job."
 
2010-06-03 01:05:17 PM
What_do_you_want_now: I think I just found a new patch for my vest. Seriously, they had a GODDAMN BEAR in their ranks that helped them haul ammunition up, ate with them, and DRANK?! This unit wins for most goddamn badass use of a GODDAMN BEAR!

I think in your circus like excitement over the mention of the bear you have forgotten that the most gaddamn badass use of a goddamn bear is FIGHTING. Second would be farking.
 
2010-06-03 01:10:08 PM
One sided. Everyone knows there where some badass germans during the war. Crazy kill lists.
 
2010-06-03 01:10:23 PM
Sorry.. Sink the Bismark (1960) so that leaves 4
 
2010-06-03 01:12:44 PM
Diogenes Teufelsdrockh: rikdanger: Forgot one:

Hollywood: Star Trek Next Gen TV Show, big Borg fight

Reality:: Battle off Samar (Wikipop), where in the Pacific during WWII a bunch of destroyers and DEs held off the main Japanese fleet from the Leyte beach head.

That battle really needs to be made into a movie. The one battles episode on the History channel wasn't enough.


I think the entire Battle of Leyte Gulf would make an awesome movie. Every type of naval combat is represented - submarines, ship to ship gun battles, amphibious landings, carrier ops (ok, fine, no boarding parties). Not to mention Halsey's blunder leading to the heroics of Taffy 3 and their comrades.
 
2010-06-03 01:12:59 PM
100% Polish born and raised so I'm getting a kick...

I am still most amazed at some the truly unimaginable battles in antiquity though. I remember in undergrad learning about the "sea peoples" who were this huge force marching south from Europe alone the Mediterranean. They destroyed a half dozen powerful kingdoms and pretty much just killed everyone in their path until they neared Egypt, which was now the last beacon of civilization still standing. Egypt formed a unbelievably massive army with the Pharaoh at the front of the ranks leading the charge. There was a huge sword on sword battle that ended with Egypt winning.
Egypt collapsed shortly after due the fact that a large percentage of their population was killed in the fight, that's how big it was.
 
2010-06-03 01:24:32 PM
trappedspirit: What_do_you_want_now: I think I just found a new patch for my vest. Seriously, they had a GODDAMN BEAR in their ranks that helped them haul ammunition up, ate with them, and DRANK?! This unit wins for most goddamn badass use of a GODDAMN BEAR!

I think in your circus like excitement over the mention of the bear you have forgotten that the most gaddamn badass use of a goddamn bear is FIGHTING. Second would be farking.


Careful now, you may want to clarify.
 
2010-06-03 01:24:33 PM
DeathByGeekSquad: SlothB77: when they got too close we jumped off the side of the mountain.

That was a good read, amazing story.


From the wiki:
"Universal and Peter Berg have teamed up to create a movie on Lutrell and his team. The expected release date is sometime in 2027"

I guess Universal has a really busy schedule.
 
2010-06-03 01:26:40 PM
Bears in the military? Meh. I've got dinosaurs armed with rockets and gatling guns.

i3.photobucket.com

/my image from last week's Farktography contest
 
2010-06-03 01:26:50 PM
r1niceboy: Guerilla fighter, Tommy Macpherson. Operated in Nazi occupied france wearing a kilt and letting everyone know who he was and what he was doing. He's a personal friend, and titanium balled hero.

Article about him (new window)

FTFA: When Macpherson stepped out of the car in Pont d'Arcay he cut an unforgettable figure. Dressed in full Highland regalia, here was "that lunatic Scotsman who keeps blowing up bridges."

Macpherson blew up every bridge he came across, laid low every pylon he saw, shot every German he met. Roaming the countryside in his kilt in a black Citroën that had a Union Jack pennant on one side and a Croix de Lorraine on the other, he managed an operation of some sort virtually every day. "My favourite was blowing up pylons, which was great fun. On Bastille Day we blew eight separate lines of pylons in celebration, but putting the railway tracks out of action was probably the most important job."


DAMN!!!!!!
 
2010-06-03 01:30:05 PM
r1niceboy: Guerilla fighter, Tommy Macpherson. Operated in Nazi occupied france wearing a kilt and letting everyone know who he was and what he was doing. He's a personal friend, and titanium balled hero.

Ahh yes... Tommy boy. Single handily responsible for allowing the allies to take Saint-Lo by as you said delaying the 2nd SS Panzer Division.

The man has brass ones the size of Scotland
 
2010-06-03 01:35:30 PM
fark_the_herald_angel_sings: Sorry.. Sink the Bismark (1960) so that leaves 4

The Heroes of Telemark (1965) ... down to 3?
 
2010-06-03 01:36:14 PM
r1niceboy: Macpherson blew up every bridge he came across, laid low every pylon he saw, shot every German he met. Roaming the countryside in his kilt in a black Citroën that had a Union Jack pennant on one side and a Croix de Lorraine on the other, he managed an operation of some sort virtually every day. "My favourite was blowing up pylons, which was great fun. On Bastille Day we blew eight separate lines of pylons in celebration, but putting the railway tracks out of action was probably the most important job."

YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS
 
2010-06-03 01:40:53 PM
www.coverbrowser.com

True war story.

Made into an awesome action movie.

The star of the movie is the actual war hero himself.
 
2010-06-03 01:43:51 PM
LoneCoon: Okay, so this squadron had a bear? With rank? This just proves our grandparents were way more awesome than us. Can you imagine having a bear in the military now? That would never fly.

Even better -- the bear would pick up and carry artillery shells.
 
2010-06-03 01:44:55 PM
May I add two more stories...

The Battle of Camarón. (new window)

Three officers and 50 soldiers of the French Foreign Legion held off about 2,000 Mexican soldiers. The Mexicans won when the French ran out of bullets and charged them with bayonets. Except for a handful captured early in the battle, there were only two surviving legionaires.

And then there's the story of Tibor Rubin (new window).
 
2010-06-03 01:45:42 PM
r1niceboy:
Macpherson blew up every bridge he came across, laid low every pylon he saw, shot every German he met. Roaming the countryside in his kilt in a black Citroën that had a Union Jack pennant on one side and a Croix de Lorraine on the other, he managed an operation of some sort virtually every day. "My favourite was blowing up pylons, which was great fun. On Bastille Day we blew eight separate lines of pylons in celebration, but putting the railway tracks out of action was probably the most important job."

"You mu...

Jubeebee:
r1niceboy: Macpherson blew up every bridge he came across, laid low every pylon he saw, shot every German he met. Roaming the countryside in his kilt in a black Citroën that had a Union Jack pennant on one side and a Croix de Lorraine on the other, he managed an operation of some sort virtually every day. "My favourite was blowing up pylons, which was great fun. On Bastille Day we blew eight separate lines of pylons in celebration, but putting the railway tracks out of action was probably the most important job."

YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS


God dammit, man.
 
2010-06-03 01:47:29 PM
Forgot about Audie Murphy. The guy that went rage kill kill and took out several MG nests by himself after his friend died to a feigned surrendering one. I guess he literally picked the MG up and took it from position to position slaughtering the germans.

And then the tank MG story as well. Holding off several squads of Germans by himself alone.

Dude was like a real life William "B.J." Blazkowicz
 
2010-06-03 01:58:54 PM
What_do_you_want_now: Careful now, you may want to clarify.

So after the screams died down, John came out of the tent, looked me in the eye, and said, "Alright, bear's done. Now where's that virgin with the toothache?"
 
2010-06-03 02:01:07 PM
Man, Cracked puts up some awesome shiat! That Private Wojtek story was badass!
 
2010-06-03 02:08:37 PM
Beerguy: True war story.

Made into an awesome action movie.

The star of the movie is the actual war hero himself.


The movie was just on last weekend. Great film, amazing guy. I kinda wonder what was going through his mind as he was being filmed.
 
2010-06-03 02:12:22 PM
IdBeCrazyIf: Forgot about Audie Murphy. The guy that went rage kill kill and took out several MG nests by himself after his friend died to a feigned surrendering one. I guess he literally picked the MG up and took it from position to position slaughtering the germans.

And then the tank MG story as well. Holding off several squads of Germans by himself alone.

Dude was like a real life William "B.J." Blazkowicz


I think you're referring to Leo Major. (new window)
 
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