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Wonton endangerment, Schwarzenegger on the moon, and a sweaty, uninhibited, double-jointed disgrace. Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/25 - 5/1 
Posted by Drew at 2010-05-04 1:56:47 PM (35 comments) | Permalink
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5439 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 May 2010 at 2:04 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



From Unfreakable:

No update from Drew this week, so enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-04-25 to Sat 2010-05-01:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Poison suspected after 80 Afghan school girls get sick. Bret Michaels is having the worst week ever    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  A pill to prevent premature ejaculation will be coming soon    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Busboy at Chinese restaurant stabs co-worker with cleaver. Will be charged with wonton endangerment    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Concertgoers show up in SS gestapo uniforms, receive beatdown upon leaving. How did they nazi this coming?    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Mexico issues traveler advisory for Arizona. How Arpaiopriate    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Teen discovers his dog's barf is worse than his bite    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Florida makes another attempt to ban bestiality, raising the question of how their attempts keep failing in the first place    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Man accused of stealing 20 packs of 'male enhancement' product from gas station, will do hard time    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  What women swallow may affect kids and grandkids, mostly whether they have them or not    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Two Latin American countries allow homosexuals to adopt children. Know how I know Uruguay?    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  "Boy loses hand in bedroom explosion". And you thought the worst that could happen was going blind    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Sports:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Sports radio host compares Tim Tebow to a Nazi, which is ridiculous considering the Nazis had a devastating air attack    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  IOC strips underage Chinese gymnasts    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Canadiens march into Washington and burn the Capitals. This is not a repeat from 1812    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Geek:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Scientific studies show that taking psychedelics can help reduce anxiety, at least until the green monster with teeth on its fingertips starts gnawing your face off    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Japan pledged that before this decade is out, it will put Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Moon. Regrettably they also want to return him safely to the Earth. They want to do this not because it is easy, but because it is hard    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Winners for the first International Longest Tweet contest announced. Unfortunately, the longest entry was a 3,748,839,101-way tie at 140 characters    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Showbiz:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  John Cleese calls the 31-year gap between him and his girlfriend "a disgrace." A lusty, sweaty, uninhibited, double-jointed disgrace    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Jenna Jameson has a big hole in her story. In related news, this headline is thirteen words too long    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Rielle Hunter tells Oprah that she's not a homewrecker, which is true, because she's a sprawling estate-wrecker    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Politics:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  George W. Bush's book "Decision Points" being released November 9th. Here you all thought it was going to be coloring book, but the sneaky bastard went all "connect the dots" on you    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Sue Lowden (R-NV): "The GOP liberated Europe in World War II." Yeah, remember when they stormed Normandy on R-Day?    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Senator from the party of nuance, bipartisanship and sweet reason refers to his political opponents as "white supremacists", is given chairmanship of new You're Not Really Helping Here Committee    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Music:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Justin Bieber concert cancelled after fans get trampled in stampede. No word on whether they were trying to stampede into or out of the concert    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Billy Corgan and Courtney Love fighting. 1995 wants it's headline back... actually no, it probably doesn't    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Shakira's "Waka Waka" has been named the official song of this year's World Cup. In related news, Fozzie Bear to sue Shakira blind for copyright infringement    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Business:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  ASTRAZENECA FINED $510 FARKING MILLION DOLLARS FOR ILLEGALLY MARKETING A FRIGGIN' ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUG AND IT ANGERS ME SO FARKING MUCH THAT I'M GOING TO PUNCH MY COMPUTER AND SMASH MY FARKING KEYBOARD  

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  AOL earnings fall 23% on loss of subscriber    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Louisiana closes down shrimping areas, affecting shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried, pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]
· · ·
(view entire blog)


35 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2010-05-04 02:05:53 PM  
Wonton endangerment made me lol.
 
2010-05-04 02:08:34 PM  
I submitted this with a better headline.
 
2010-05-04 02:10:07 PM  
The what women swallow one was one of the better this year so far IMHO
 
2010-05-04 02:11:27 PM  
Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.
 
2010-05-04 02:12:53 PM  
Bret Michaels did it for me. I actually hollered as I loled.
 
2010-05-04 02:15:36 PM  
netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

and you're right again

:P
 
2010-05-04 02:16:57 PM  
I liked the premature ejaculation headline, but the one that will forever win is:

Scientists discover genetic link to premature ejacul--DAMMIT
 
2010-05-04 02:17:50 PM  
I like the arpaio pun
 
2010-05-04 02:19:18 PM  
gambitsgirl: netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

and you're right again

:P


I was correct previously? I figured I was an inside-joke for the admins. A "let's green-light this guy everytime he screws-up something in the headline" joke if you will.
 
2010-05-04 02:25:06 PM  
Some really punny ones this week!!
 
2010-05-04 02:28:30 PM  
netweavr: I was correct previously? I figured I was an inside-joke for the admins. A "let's green-light this guy everytime he screws-up something in the headline" joke if you will.

It seems that I should try misspelling something or maybe only reading half of the article before I submit something. It seems to help quite often.

But the number 1 way to get a greenlight has to be screwing up it's and its in a headline.
 
2010-05-04 02:31:17 PM  
IdBeCrazyIf: The what women swallow one was one of the better this year so far IMHO

Really? It seemed too obvious to me. I knew how it was going to end half way through the sentence. I remember reading it and thinking "wow, how original and unexpected".

But to each their own.
 
2010-05-04 02:32:17 PM  
SomeBrunette: Some really punny ones this week!!

I have a soft spot in my heart for puns.
 
2010-05-04 02:37:57 PM  
netweavr: gambitsgirl: netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

and you're right again

:P

I was correct previously? I figured I was an inside-joke for the admins. A "let's green-light this guy everytime he screws-up something in the headline" joke if you will.


i was trying to make you feel better
 
2010-05-04 02:41:04 PM  
I'm Schwarzenegger on the moon
I'm Schwarzeneggin a harpoon...
 
2010-05-04 02:48:43 PM  
Woo! Got another one into Drew's weekly lineup! I am feelin' good.
 
2010-05-04 02:48:53 PM  
IOC strips underage Chinese gymnasts

WIN!
 
2010-05-04 02:53:01 PM  
eddievercetti: IOC strips underage Chinese gymnasts

WIN!


Greatest Sports headline since "17-year-old Topples Maria Sharipova".
 
2010-05-04 02:54:43 PM  
netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

Hey, I got my first ever green and it was chosen as a HLotW. Don't harsh my buzz!
 
2010-05-04 02:56:23 PM  
abmoraz: netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

Hey, I got my first ever green and it was chosen as a HLotW. Don't harsh my buzz!


I got my first two greenlights on the same day, and the second hit HLotW, so I support your buzz!

Rock on!
 
2010-05-04 03:00:56 PM  
The bikini massage thread deserves an honorary mention at least.
 
2010-05-04 03:01:06 PM  
abmoraz: netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

Hey, I got my first ever green and it was chosen as a HLotW. Don't harsh my buzz!


CrazedHatter: abmoraz: netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

Hey, I got my first ever green and it was chosen as a HLotW. Don't harsh my buzz!

I got my first two greenlights on the same day, and the second hit HLotW, so I support your buzz!

Rock on!


My apologies, continue your buzzes.
 
2010-05-04 03:03:23 PM  
I never get greenlights and I'm f*cking hilarious!

WHY DO YOU HATE ME DREW?!
 
2010-05-04 03:11:54 PM  
Poppa Boner: I never get greenlights and I'm f*cking hilarious!

WHY DO YOU HATE ME DREW?!


Do you submit links?
 
2010-05-04 03:16:55 PM  
Happy to see my Bush one up there.

I really thought my Toyota one in that time frame would hit.

Ah well, just glad to be back in the HotW.
 
2010-05-04 03:35:13 PM  
What a great crop this week.
 
2010-05-04 03:36:24 PM  
My fav from this week in ordespidermann: Happy to see my Bush one up there.


Best headline of the week right there IMO. Followed by these gems:

""Boy loses hand in bedroom explosion". And you thought the worst that could happen was going blind

A pill to prevent premature ejaculation will be coming soon


Good work subbys.
 
2010-05-04 03:39:43 PM  
How "Wal-Mart reopens after odor causes evacuation. Authorities still not sure why odor suddenly disappeared after all of the customers left the building" didn't make headline of the week, I'll never know.
 
2010-05-04 03:40:48 PM  
Poppa Boner: I never get greenlights and I'm f*cking hilarious!

WHY DO YOU HATE ME DREW?!


TFD LOVES YOU THOUGH PB
 
2010-05-04 03:45:08 PM  
The Bret Michaels one is an easy favorite. I cracked up when I first saw that.
 
2010-05-04 03:52:31 PM  
netweavr: Do you submit links?

Not very often. I just like trolling Drew.

The English Major: TFD LOVES YOU THOUGH PB

Aww thanks buddy.

penis
 
2010-05-04 03:55:34 PM  
Hyperbolic Hyperbole 2010-05-04 03:39:43 PM
How "Wal-Mart reopens after odor causes evacuation. Authorities still not sure why odor suddenly disappeared after all of the customers left the building" didn't make headline of the week, I'll never know.


True.
 
2010-05-04 05:13:09 PM  
Nice, first time on the HOTW list!
 
2010-05-04 05:20:59 PM  
netweavr: Two on there this week. You other subby's are slacking. I'm not that funny.

TIGER MISSES CUT (sic) was commented on, but not greenlit. I think people were just pissed I used a newsflash tag.
 
2010-05-04 07:01:37 PM  
Bret Michaels
Uruguay
Jenna Jameson
Tim Tebow

All made me crack up. Good week!!
 
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