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(Some Guy)   FedEx shipping restrictions include live monkeys, bees, human remains and pornography   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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9837 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 May 2003 at 3:33 AM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

91 Comments     (+0 »)

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2003-05-07 07:08:13 PM  
What's left besides firearms and drugs?
2003-05-07 10:41:47 PM  
2003-05-07 10:56:19 PM  
Disembodies spirits are allowed, but must be securely contained.
2003-05-07 11:39:27 PM  
Live humans still OK?
2003-05-08 12:17:12 AM  
I was wondering why my live monkeys came UPS.
2003-05-08 02:03:56 AM  
I can understand the porn thing, but what's wrong with bees?
2003-05-08 03:35:24 AM  
The sad part is, someone must have tried to actually send live Monkeys...
2003-05-08 03:36:17 AM  
One is allowed to send firearms through the postal service? *clueless*
2003-05-08 03:36:50 AM  
I wish someone would send me a pet monkey.
2003-05-08 03:36:56 AM  
Never mind, I just scrolled down.
2003-05-08 03:37:44 AM  
Just how do they know? Do they employ a porn sniffing dog?
2003-05-08 03:38:51 AM  
These are International Restrictions. If you wish you can send your pornography and switchblades to me in California via FedEx.
2003-05-08 03:39:50 AM  
This explains why Tom Hanks was making love to a basketball.
2003-05-08 03:42:34 AM  
The major airlines will ship live fish, but then, they're such fish whores.
2003-05-08 03:51:06 AM  
WARNING: Do not taunt bees in package.

Bees may sting the skin.
Bees may poke your eyes out.
Bee stingers are not easily removed from the tongue.
Bees like to eat hairspray.
Bees like to eat babies.
Bees enter the body through the anal orifice and may sting rectum.
Bees in intenstine may cause discomfort.

Note: When being attacked by bees, rolling on the ground is likely to attract ants. Ants are even deadlier than bees.

Please contact your local FedEx representative for more details regarding safety with bees, ants, and burninators. Thank you.
2003-05-08 03:52:52 AM  
Live monkeys a no-no.. Bring all the DEAD ones you want! Heehee.. I have 2 packages on the way from fedex right now.. Computer parts...mmmm.. Xbox game.. mmmmmmMMM
2003-05-08 03:53:43 AM  
RandomBob- or volleyball whichever :P
2003-05-08 03:57:59 AM  
Well, there goes the plan for my new company "Express Porno-Bees".
2003-05-08 04:00:26 AM  
Beestiality is a recurring theme on Fark.
2003-05-08 04:04:18 AM  
That was a volleyball he made love to and not a basketball? Ewww, disgusting.
2003-05-08 04:07:15 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

Hmm, so if I identify, correctly and fully, the miscellaneous dangerous goods, and use them to kill the live fish and household pets, I'm in the clear!
2003-05-08 04:08:41 AM  
I am the God of Hellfire and all those who oppose me shall die in a firey lake of fire!

2003-05-08 04:16:02 AM  
I was wondering why they didn't accept my packaged up left arm.
2003-05-08 04:19:43 AM  
Volleyballs are much sexier than basketballs... smoother or something... ill go back to work now..
2003-05-08 04:27:19 AM  
Live fish? Oh, well, as long as they allow dead fish. I need to set some people in Sicily straight.
2003-05-08 04:27:48 AM  
Man, have you seen a naked basketball in the cold?

2003-05-08 04:30:31 AM  
can i still send bees via the telephone?
2003-05-08 04:49:33 AM  
I'm buried deep in the bowels of the Fedex computer center, even as I type this. If you have any question as to whether or not it's okay to ship your valuables, just send them here and I will deliver an arbitrary and unofficial opinion as to the shipability of said item.
2003-05-08 05:03:49 AM  

Ok, I'll bite. Any regulations on dead Thai hookers?
2003-05-08 05:08:13 AM  
I have a large quantity of decomposing cow fetuses. Will FedEx take them? I need to get them to Bolivia by the 15th.
2003-05-08 05:11:18 AM  
Space filling curves?
2003-05-08 05:21:44 AM  
1.21Gigawatts: can i still send bees via the telephone?

I don't see why not.
2003-05-08 05:30:57 AM  
Ahhhh....the good old days....
[image from too old to be available]
2003-05-08 05:44:43 AM  
Woodchipper...I have no objection as long as they aren't flammable or radioactive.
2003-05-08 05:46:35 AM  
ClothedSexualTouching...Take them! We're begging to transport them! I wouldn't be surprised if you get a discount.
2003-05-08 05:53:06 AM  
funny to see my employer popping up @ fark.

Anyways, I guess it's normal for us to put weird restrictions on what you can and can't send through our network. There's enough lunatics around who would actually try and send some killer bees in a cardboard-box.

Of course no madman will be stopped by a simple restriction, but I guess it just rules out any responsibility for FedEx if those killer bees escape and go on a bloody rampage. =)

And if they do, we'll be happy to transport the necessary medical equipment at low prices! ;)
2003-05-08 06:00:02 AM  
As long as we have some FedEx Farkers here, you mind if I ask a question? Good, cuz i'm gonna do it anyway.

Why is it that anything marked "FRAGILE" inevitably arrives looking like it fell off a 10-story building, then got run over by a truck and trampled by a herd of llamas?
2003-05-08 06:08:30 AM  
Jwrebholz...Now, now. Fedex cannot assume resposibility for any damage that may occur due to incorrect packaging by the shipper. We suggest putting the item or items in old tires and sealing it with Kevlar and a rivet gun, as clearly stated in under packaging "tips".
2003-05-08 06:13:19 AM  
With these restrictions, I would have an easier time shipping VX gas then Debbie Does Dallas.
2003-05-08 06:37:20 AM  
If I had a million dollars...
I'd buy you a monkey...
cause you really wanted a monkey!!

What about... inhuman remains?
2003-05-08 07:01:18 AM  
Darn! I'll have to find another way to get rid of the bodies.

2003-05-08 07:14:36 AM  
Anyone else remember the X-files episode where the conspirators shipped genetically-altered alien virus bees through the mail, and they got out in a post office and hilarity ensued? It just seems like a bad idea, from a common-sense standpoint.

I once mailed naughty letters to a girlfriend, thank god I used Canada Post. Only the Mounties open those, and they only keep the gay pr0n.
2003-05-08 08:15:56 AM  
Long as mmy shipments of pills keep arriving, FedEx is Ok in my book.
2003-05-08 08:22:03 AM  
As long as we have some FedEx Farkers here, you mind if I ask a question? Good, cuz i'm gonna do it anyway.

Why is it that anything marked "FRAGILE" inevitably arrives looking like it fell off a 10-story building, then got run over by a truck and trampled by a herd of llamas?

I don't know. I work for them, and I find that to be true. I suspect sometimes that it is marked "Fragile" because the packaging is not very good. I have a customer who ships only wine. They pack it properly, and rarely ever have a problem. If you ship often, FedEx has people who will evaluate and test your packaging for free.
2003-05-08 08:30:23 AM  
Going from memory on this, but bees are often used in agriculture for efficient pollination. Often if a hive is missing a reliable queen bee, it may be desirable to get one quickly. You can actually order queen bees in a little box. The box has a screen where the bee can breathe and a wax plug for the door she will open up.

I can image the problem this may cause if mailed. The queen bee may emit a smell that may rally up nearby bees into a swarm. Your local mail carrier may not be prepared for such an event.

/fond memories of bees and collecting their sweet honey
2003-05-08 08:34:18 AM  
When my father passed away 8 years ago, we were trying to find a way to ship the urn with his ashes in it to Connecticut from Florida. Well, you would think we were asking them to ship a corpse. FedEx and UPS both literally chewed out my niece for even thinking they would ship the urn. Their reaction was rather bizarre. I ended up having to put the urn in a carry-on bag and bring it home on the plane. One of the crew was helping me put the bag in the overhead bin and asked if I had a body in there 'cuz it was so heavy. I replied "yes", my father. Needless to say, I had a laugh at the guys expense!
2003-05-08 08:35:05 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-05-08 08:45:25 AM  
Ok, so why are all my fellow FedEx employees farkin???? I'm sending an email to Fred. Hahahaha! There are several stories about bee shipments and while hilarity did ensue, it was in retrospect only. We just decided they were a little too lethal to handle if their packaging was compromised. I remember bees breakin out in Savannah and we were unable to get the pkgs out in a timely manner till some bee keepers arrived and herded them into some containers. DAMHIK

Let's PUP
2003-05-08 08:54:45 AM  
And why isn't this a Photoshop thread yet ?
2003-05-08 08:54:45 AM  
So, you are in Memphis eh. I love going there for training. Corky's is always a fun stop. Please don't tell fred. I want my MBO's!
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