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DON'T: Stick your hand into a running lawnmower. DO: check out Drew's writeup and some of Fark's favorite headlines for 3/28 - 4/3 
Posted by Drew at 2010-04-06 12:09:14 PM (48 comments) | Permalink
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7549 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Apr 2010 at 2:00 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



We're moving into the Spring news cycle now, which means it's time for the following Not News features to rear their heads:

- OH MY GOD IT'S A THUNDERSTORM: we've already had a few here in Kentucky, but we haven't had Spring's first local media tornado freakout yet. Always happens the first time, but by June -- after the 20th time or so -- local media is considerably less enthusiastic about them.

- GAS WILL BE $100 A GALLON BY MEMORIAL DAY: saw this one go by this morning, we stuck it in the Business tab, though, because it's pretty much what we all assumed anyhow.

- Kids wearing duct tape prom dresses. Same as every year, just skip this

- Lawn Mower Safety: yes, one full month after southerners started mowing their lawns an annual report on lawn mower safety makes the rounds. It includes such gems as not sticking your hand in the mower while it's on and... actually that's the main thing. The article/press release also implies that drinking beer while mowing makes you more likely to stick your hand in a running mower. I drink a lot and I've never been that drunk.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-03-28 to Sat 2010-04-03:

img1.fark.net  Woman says she was raped at an ATM. We're all tired of all those fees    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Workers injured after a three-story building being converted to a four-story building suddenly became a one-story building    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Cigarettes may contain pig blood. Just what we need: the entire Middle East to go cold turkey all at once    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Three legged sled dog seeks respect... and the man who killed his paw    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Iranian nuclear scientist defects to the United States, has already provided valuable information on which version of Photoshop Iran is using    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Acupuncture may make dentist appointments less stressful, enable patients to transcend dental medication    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Pope sees sex scandal as a test, which explains all the cramming going on in the priesthood    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Six-year-old twins caught smuggling cocaine in underwear. That's some first grade blow    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Elton John, who has apparently never seen a single episode of Scooby Doo, announces he's going ahead with his concert in the Mayan ruins despite mysterious disasters befalling the set and outraged locals    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Cops chase ambulance stolen from hospital. Personal injury lawyers confused    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Kids in Easter egg hunt find dead body. Strangely, it disappeared two days later    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Golden State Warriors outscore the L.A. Clippers in the paint, which comes as no surprise to Patrick Tribett    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  With leading scorer Wayne Rooney (34) out 2-4 weeks with an ankle sprain, Man Utd's title hopes now rest with the club's second- and third-leading scorers, the somnambulistic Dimitar Berbatov (12) and surprising newcomer Own Goal (11)  

img1.fark.net  Orioles acquire Julio Lugo. Will overpay him the league minimum    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Expert warns undersea volcano could destroy Italy 'as soon as tomorrow'. Volcano: "No, no, I lava this country"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  New law would create an internet 'kill switch', so that the President could turn off the internet in case of    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Japanese rape video game sparks controversy, outrage, curiosity, rape    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Supermodel Kate Moss is set to make her stage debut in a Shakespeare play. Inexplicably, she will not be playing the part of Hamlet's fencing sword    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Michael Jackson bodyguard fired. And not a moment too soon    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Christian Bale seeks US citizenship. OHHHHHH, GOOD FOR *YOU*    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Lawmakers vote to deny former Gov. Rod Blagojevich an official portrait, finally laying to rest any claims that he was being framed    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Israeli lobby having a hard time getting their new dog to sit, roll over, or stop his infernal yapping    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Republicans block flood insurance program extension, cutting off assistance to Northeast US flooding victims. JIM BOEHNER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WET PEOPLE    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Members of Rush are inducted into the Canadian Songwriters Hall Of Fame. Which is kind of like being named Hottest Girl at a Star Trek Convention    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Jack Johnson announces details of his new albzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Three workers hurt in Elton John stage collapse. In related news, I'm still standing    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  How the iPad will change mobile business computing. Well, it'll be easier to spot the douchebags    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  So we finally get to see what The Fed bought from Bear Stearns in 2008. What'd we get? Crap. Crap. Crap. A tote bag. Crap. Crap. Polo shirt. Crap. And more crap    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Employers added most jobs in three years in March. I guess somebody's gotta staff all those death panels    img.fark.net
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48 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2010-04-06 12:23:54 PM
don't forget the obligatory "April 15th is tax deadline day" with footage of what post offices look like as they stay open til midnight

and accompanying questions and answers such as, "why did you wait so long to file"?

/god I hate that shiat
 
2010-04-06 12:26:51 PM
B-B-But there's socialist health care in 'merikuh now? I say shove both hands into that mower and get some value for your taxpayer dollars!
 
2010-04-06 12:38:25 PM
calbert: don't forget the obligatory "April 15th is tax deadline day" with footage of what post offices look like as they stay open til midnight

and accompanying questions and answers such as, "why did you wait so long to file"?



and don't forget the ever-so-witty, fresh, and insightful, "why would i want to get a refund? THAT'S LIKE GIVING THE GUMMINT AN INTEREST-FREE LOAN LOL!!!!!!

Alex, I'll take 'stuff dumb people say' for $500.
 
2010-04-06 12:48:00 PM
calbert: don't forget the obligatory "April 15th is tax deadline day" with footage of what post offices look like as they stay open til midnight

and accompanying questions and answers such as, "why did you wait so long to file"?

/god I hate that shiat


This year will be file early to avoid all the tax protests clogging up the sidewalks and parking lots.
 
2010-04-06 01:40:38 PM
It's alright footy. The article says don't shove hands up in there.
 
2010-04-06 02:05:08 PM
You can't tell me what to do, Subby.

I'm off to take some wooden nickels.
 
2010-04-06 02:06:05 PM
rickythepenguin: calbert: don't forget the obligatory "April 15th is tax deadline day" with footage of what post offices look like as they stay open til midnight

and accompanying questions and answers such as, "why did you wait so long to file"?


and don't forget the ever-so-witty, fresh, and insightful, "why would i want to get a refund? THAT'S LIKE GIVING THE GUMMINT AN INTEREST-FREE LOAN LOL!!!!!!

Alex, I'll take 'stuff dumb people say' for $500.


Well, it is exactly like giving the government an interest free loan. Why give it to the government when you can make more use of it in your pocket?
 
2010-04-06 02:07:03 PM
A nearly equally important rule is to disconnect the spark plug when cleaning out the mower blade area.
 
2010-04-06 02:07:47 PM
Transcend dental medication! I LOL'd at that one. Subby wins one internet.
 
2010-04-06 02:07:53 PM
Can someone explain the Christan Bale one to me? I assume its related to a role he played, but it just doesn't seem HOTW worth to me.
 
2010-04-06 02:09:28 PM
calbert: don't forget the obligatory "April 15th is tax deadline day" with footage of what post offices look like as they stay open til midnight

and accompanying questions and answers such as, "why did you wait so long to file"?

/god I hate that shiat


Better questions like, why do you still mail your tax returns?
 
2010-04-06 02:11:47 PM
None of the headlines this week were very amusing. Some were downright stupid.
 
2010-04-06 02:13:53 PM
schattenteufel: None of the headlines this week were very amusing. Some were downright stupid.

The headlines last week were better than the headlines this week.

The headlines last year were better than the headlines this year.

The headlines last decade were better than the headlines this decade.
 
2010-04-06 02:13:57 PM
balancing act: Can someone explain the Christan Bale one to me? I assume its related to a role he played, but it just doesn't seem HOTW worth to me.

wow, where were you last year?

very, very nsfw audio (new window)

many, many wonderful follow-ups posted, from a soundboard to "Family Guy" to "David after dentist"
 
2010-04-06 02:16:32 PM
schattenteufel: None of the headlines this week were very amusing. Some were downright stupid.

This from a guy with one approved headline
 
2010-04-06 02:18:56 PM
Cops chase ambulance stolen from hospital. Personal injury lawyers confused


Whoever came up with this is a genius. Bravo.
 
2010-04-06 02:21:41 PM
I think if you stick your hand in and out of running lawnmower blades really, really fast, you probably won't get hurt. You'd need to be really calm and focused, so about four beers ought to elevate your chi to the correct level.
 
2010-04-06 02:23:37 PM
Hardly any of the headlines this year have been very amusing.

Just sayin
 
2010-04-06 02:24:17 PM
"Own Goal" got me to laugh at a soccer headline.

/stick your head in a running lawnmower? Oh, *hand*
 
2010-04-06 02:25:00 PM
keithrogan: about four beers ought to elevate your chi to the correct level.

Don't make me laugh like that at work, okay?
 
2010-04-06 02:27:37 PM
Sinto: schattenteufel: None of the headlines this week were very amusing. Some were downright stupid.

This from a guy with one approved headline



Hey, I didn't say I could do better. (though I'm convinced the bulk of headline approval is favortism ;-) I'm just sayin' it was slim pickings this week. Usually I laugh a few times when reading the previous weeks' best headlines. This week...not even a chuckle.
 
2010-04-06 02:29:28 PM
calbert:
wow, where were you last year?

very, very nsfw audio (new window)

many, many wonderful follow-ups posted, from a soundboard to "Family Guy" to "David after dentist"


Thanks calbert. I saw the articles, but just never RoLttFA. It makes much more sense now.
 
2010-04-06 02:31:27 PM
dstanley: "Own Goal" got me to laugh at a soccer headline.

Yep. Nuff said.
 
2010-04-06 02:33:58 PM
balancing act: calbert:
wow, where were you last year?

very, very nsfw audio (new window)

many, many wonderful follow-ups posted, from a soundboard to "Family Guy" to "David after dentist"

Thanks calbert. I saw the articles, but just never RoLttFA. It makes much more sense now.


you're welcome

I'm happy to revisit it

been listening to it over and over for the last 15 minutes or so

it's cracking my shiat up
 
2010-04-06 02:34:01 PM
Hey Drew, did you get any actual tornadoes down your way last night or just the warnings?
 
2010-04-06 02:36:06 PM
ExtremeHobo: Better questions like, why do you still mail your tax returns?

Because some people don't have internet access, or don't know that you can e-file...?
 
2010-04-06 02:46:52 PM
The_Six_Fingered_Man: Well, it is exactly like giving the government an interest free loan. Why give it to the government when you can make more use of it in your pocket?

In the first place, why the fark does anyone care how I manage my witholdings? It's not like my witholdings affect someone else's taxes; if anything, it'll have a positive effect. The government doesn't need to raise debt ceilings or tax rates as often if they can maintain a balance sheet through the year.

ExtremeHobo: Better questions like, why do you still mail your tax returns?

I don't itemize my deductions, so even the standard 1040 is a whopping two-page worksheet. If that's the sort of workload that makes most people run screaming for a computer, I guess that's why I get paid to do the work I do that needs a computer.

Not to mention, the form the private health insurance company sent to me was much nastier.
 
2010-04-06 03:03:03 PM
schattenteufel: This week...not even a chuckle.

Three legged sled dog seeks respect... and the man who killed his paw


nothin? really?
 
2010-04-06 03:07:33 PM
dragonchild: The_Six_Fingered_Man: Well, it is exactly like giving the government an interest free loan. Why give it to the government when you can make more use of it in your pocket?

In the first place, why the fark does anyone care how I manage my witholdings? It's not like my witholdings affect someone else's taxes; if anything, it'll have a positive effect. The government doesn't need to raise debt ceilings or tax rates as often if they can maintain a balance sheet through the year.


I don't care, but you would reap many more benefits by just placing that cash in an interest bearing account for the 12 months that you permit the government to hold onto it.

And you mean that if everyone did this, that the government would be forced to spend less money throughout the year? Count me as among the many that think that is a great idea. Plus, the government won't be going without their quarterly cash infusion, as a fair to middling percentage of the population pays estimated taxes.
 
2010-04-06 03:07:36 PM
The_Six_Fingered_Man: Well, it is exactly like giving the government an interest free loan. Why give it to the government when you can make more use of it in your pocket?

Because, you won't. For most people it probably comes out to $30-$40 a paycheck. Are seriously going to stash that $30 away each pay period? No, because the amount accumulated is so little that ay interest earned will be minimal. So many people will file 0 and have that extra taken out and enjoy the lump sum when they file their taxes.
 
2010-04-06 03:12:54 PM
sboyle1020: The_Six_Fingered_Man: Well, it is exactly like giving the government an interest free loan. Why give it to the government when you can make more use of it in your pocket?

Because, you won't. For most people it probably comes out to $30-$40 a paycheck. Are seriously going to stash that $30 away each pay period? No, because the amount accumulated is so little that ay interest earned will be minimal. So many people will file 0 and have that extra taken out and enjoy the lump sum when they file their taxes.


Who says you have to stash it away? That is but ONE of the options that you can do with the money that you DON'T NEED to send to the government.

Buy low-rent hookers and blow for all I care. Just make use of it. Don't permit the government to make money on your money without giving you a percentage of the interest made. That's just stupid talk.
 
2010-04-06 03:20:07 PM
The_Six_Fingered_Man: Who says you have to stash it away? That is but ONE of the options that you can do with the money that you DON'T NEED to send to the government.

Buy low-rent hookers and blow for all I care. Just make use of it. Don't permit the government to make money on your money without giving you a percentage of the interest made. That's just stupid talk.


Let's say it comes to $2,000 for the year. Divide that by say 26 pay periods and you have an extra $77 a paycheck, or $154 a month. Now people living paycheck to paycheck will need that money. Those that don't need that money don't look at it as a "loan". And that $77 will be spent on something frivolous. So those people who don't factor that extra tax into their budget don't really care about it, and therefore just like getting a $2,000 lump sum early in the year.

I see your point, but lot's of people don't have the restraint to do something smart with that money and just like the tax refund.
 
2010-04-06 03:25:58 PM
My dad cut off half his left index finger in a lawn mower when he was 17, so I'm getting a kick out of this. (wasn't drunk, was fixing a chain under a riding mower, and didn't have it out of gear so chopchop. This was early 70's, and God knows how old the mower was.)

But my kids get a kick out of his stub.
 
2010-04-06 03:27:34 PM
Ok, I get the don't stick your hand in a running lawn mower but does it say anything about flipping one over and throwing apples at it?
 
2010-04-06 03:42:40 PM
hockeyfarker: schattenteufel: This week...not even a chuckle.

Three legged sled dog seeks respect... and the man who killed his paw


nothin? really?


The Russian judge didn't like that subby didn't stick the landing with "who shot his paw"
 
2010-04-06 03:47:16 PM
We might get some local news channels predicting Armageddon tomorrow when some storms roll through. Don't believe it's anything severe. Very windy today though,almost feels like summer here in central Kentucky. Of course when it storms here my satellite TV and my DSL internet both go out,so I'm stuck with a weather report on my scanner and my cell phone's internet.


/In Bardstown,KY,about an hour from Lexington and Fark HQ
 
2010-04-06 03:48:02 PM
ExtremeHobo: Better questions like, why do you still mail your tax returns?

You have to mail in the federal return for the first time home buyer credit.

/IT'S FREE MONEY!!!
 
2010-04-06 03:48:10 PM
ebooks-imgs.connect.com
 
2010-04-06 03:54:41 PM
DON'T: Stick your hand into a running lawnmower.

Where were you when i was 10?

I have no idea why the hell I still have my finger.

instead of being a four-digited freak, I just ended up with a slight scar next to my fingernail.
 
2010-04-06 04:03:04 PM
The_Six_Fingered_Man: I don't care, but you would reap many more benefits by just placing that cash in an interest bearing account for the 12 months that you permit the government to hold onto it.

No, I'd reap a single, quantifiable benefit -- the interest on the account. Which is dandy. Unlike the smug assholes who try to withold as much money from "teh government" as possible, I don't begrudge anyone who wants that benefit. As long as you're not outright dodging taxes, more power to you.

However, I prefer not to. And every time I say this I get treated like I'm a retard or something -- and that's if I'm not faced with outrage because I'm not frothing at the mouth over this. Sorry, but life's too short to throw a hissy fit over a few bucks of interest, and anyway, I thought it through and made my choice. Interest-bearing accounts are paying like 1% or less, banks go out of their way to take a week to process transactions (so much for liquidity), with the income I make any interest on witholdings is minimal and frankly, most people who are told this "aggressive witholding is giving the government an interest-free loan" can't manage a farking budget. It's in their best interest to let the government withold the money, because often times they forget to save the money and wind up looking at penalties for late payment.

The minimal witholdings approach is for people who think it's worth the added inconvenience to get the little extra money, and are diligent in managing the money so the IRS doesn't bite them later. And that's fine. Smart, even. But that doesn't make them de facto the smartest people in the world, and they seem to have a very hard time understanding "to each one's own".

My finances are in very good shape. Also, and a few teabaggers' heads may explode upon hearing this, I don't lose sleep at night from the thought that my witholdings are giving the government an interest-free loan. Oh gasp gasp, the horror. I made my choice and found it was easier this way. Anyone who has a problem with it can STFU already, because I've heard it all before (it's an annual pundit tradition) and most people who say it act all blindsided when they oh-so-predictably owe the IRS money anyway.
 
2010-04-06 04:06:41 PM
But it's okay to use a crane and mower to trim your hedge.

www.craneblogger.com
 
2010-04-06 04:30:03 PM
dragonchild: The_Six_Fingered_Man: I don't care, but you would reap many more benefits by just placing that cash in an interest bearing account for the 12 months that you permit the government to hold onto it.

No, I'd reap a single, quantifiable benefit -- the interest on the account. Which is dandy. Unlike the smug assholes who try to withold as much money from "teh government" as possible, I don't begrudge anyone who wants that benefit. As long as you're not outright dodging taxes, more power to you.

However, I prefer not to. And every time I say this I get treated like I'm a retard or something -- and that's if I'm not faced with outrage because I'm not frothing at the mouth over this. Sorry, but life's too short to throw a hissy fit over a few bucks of interest, and anyway, I thought it through and made my choice. Interest-bearing accounts are paying like 1% or less, banks go out of their way to take a week to process transactions (so much for liquidity), with the income I make any interest on witholdings is minimal and frankly, most people who are told this "aggressive witholding is giving the government an interest-free loan" can't manage a farking budget. It's in their best interest to let the government withold the money, because often times they forget to save the money and wind up looking at penalties for late payment.

The minimal witholdings approach is for people who think it's worth the added inconvenience to get the little extra money, and are diligent in managing the money so the IRS doesn't bite them later. And that's fine. Smart, even. But that doesn't make them de facto the smartest people in the world, and they seem to have a very hard time understanding "to each one's own".

My finances are in very good shape. Also, and a few teabaggers' heads may explode upon hearing this, I don't lose sleep at night from the thought that my witholdings are giving the government an interest-free loan. Oh gasp gasp, the horror. I made my choice and found it was easier this way. Anyone who has a problem with it can STFU already, because I've heard it all before (it's an annual pundit tradition) and most people who say it act all blindsided when they oh-so-predictably owe the IRS money anyway.


Let me clarify. I'm not talking about reducing your withholdings to zero and paying it all at the end of the year. I'm talking about tweaking your W-4 so that your refund or amount due each year is as minimal as can be expected. This way, you have met your tax obligations, but you aren't giving the government a single penny more than they have said they need.
 
2010-04-06 04:49:42 PM
farm4.static.flickr.com
 
2010-04-06 05:03:30 PM
"Kids wearing duct tape porn dresses" lol wut?
 
2010-04-06 05:33:19 PM
pnmedia.gamespy.com
I know everyone's seen this movie. Here you go.
 
2010-04-07 12:38:06 AM
I have to admit that if gas gets to be $100 a gallon I'm going to have to stop driving.
 
2010-04-07 02:24:40 AM
Drew I drink a lot and I've never been that drunk.

You also have a truly admirable tolerance, and can call more than 4 brain cells your own.

/still a bit in awe
 
2010-04-07 06:18:50 AM
MonkeyAngst: ExtremeHobo: Better questions like, why do you still mail your tax returns?

Because some people don't have internet access, or don't know that you can e-file...?


Or if you purchased a home in 2009, you have to mail in your tax return in order to get the $8000 tax credit...
 
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