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(The Consumerist)   What does a one year old Happy Meal look like?   (consumerist.com) divider line 203
    More: Sick, Happy Meals, no worries, ants, sanity  
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39120 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Mar 2010 at 11:37 PM (4 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2010-03-18 01:39:26 AM
So if I eat food that never ages...I will become immortal?
 
2010-03-18 01:45:05 AM
Danger Avoid Death: NannyStatePark: You know how they pretend to put a great deal of thought into school lunches? Here's a few examples from my kid's school.

Honey Glazed Chicken 755 cal, 17g fat
Steak Fingers 812 cal, 29g fat
Roasted Chicken (in lard I guess) 816 cal, 27g fat
Gordito 943 calories, 24g fat

Now, compare that to a 4 piece McNugget Happy Meal with fries and Chocolate milk, 580 calories and 26 grams of fat.

So it's healthier to take my kids to McDonald's than to feed them school lunches. Nice!

What happened to the good old days of school lunches? Mashed potatoes made from spackle, dessicated fish sticks, those square pieces of pizza with the rabbit-dropping-looking pieces of "sausage" on them, mystery meat Wednesdays, hockey puck brownies, and ketchup-as-a-vegetable ...


I graduated from high school about 8 years ago. I spent pretty much every single lunch eating Little Caesar's breadsticks which I purchased in the cafeteria for $2. Sometimes I'd ad Little Debbie's for a quarter. Why yes, I sound fat, and unhealthy school lunches provided by corporations are nothing new in high schools.
 
2010-03-18 01:45:53 AM
uh... first thing that came to mind when I read the phrase "one year old happy meal":

i32.photobucket.com

/hot like arizona blacktop
// oh, and linked too...
 
2010-03-18 01:46:09 AM
Came for Cheeseburger in a Can, leaving satisfied.
 
2010-03-18 01:46:52 AM
I was going to say that I plan on eating some 40 year old pussy a little later....
 
2010-03-18 01:48:08 AM
The place I work at had an art exhibit with a large plexiglass container. One side they set up a large ant farm; on the other, a couple of happy meals. I guess the idea was to see decomposition and regeneration working in harmony. Instead, the food never rotted and all the ants died.
 
2010-03-18 01:48:33 AM
JRoo: So if I eat food that never ages...I will become immortal?

Only if you jump off a cliff, like in that documentary.
 
2010-03-18 01:50:33 AM
rcain: Has nothing on the 4-year-old happy meal^

You know, I make burgers pretty frequently, at least once every couple weeks.

I get free range grass fed beef direct from local farmers. I make my own dough, and one half batch of dough can make me one whole loaf and one or two awesome hamburger buns. I make my own fries for my steak and frites passion about once a month, using organic yellow russets and organic peanut oil that are locally produced.

I should document my manufacturing of all the ingredients to make a hamburger and fries from scratch using fresh, organic produce, meats and grains, put the meal in a time-capsule and then open it after a year.

Then, we can see a control study to compare these results to.
Unless of course, someone has already done this, and if so, please post.

And for those thinking I must spend a fortune on my food:
I live in SF, which is way above US median for living and housing costs and spend about $4176 per year on my food. $180 per month gets me 25lbs of free range, organic, locally produced meat from Sonoma County, I spend an average of $40 a week on fresh organic produce, dairy and flour combined. Which is about 12% of the median annual income for the US in 2007^. So comparatively, my food costs are minimal in accordance to my income and local cost of living and housing expenses


Let me save you some time.
 
2010-03-18 02:04:44 AM
what's wrong with that? it's progress. food that lasts for a long time is good for humanity. the population and lifespan of humans increased exponentially after penicillin was discovered, and most of you would be dead without it.
 
2010-03-18 02:12:59 AM
of course all you food experts know that bread that is made completely from scratch with nothing more than water, flour, and yeast won't get moldy after drying out. right?
 
2010-03-18 02:34:27 AM
Meh, dryness+salt=preserved food. There's a reason we salted meats for centuries.
 
2010-03-18 02:35:17 AM
cfletch13: But seriously - I think fast food doesn't fill you up for long because it's high-carb.

I dunno what you eat but that is one of the high ranking appeals of fast food when I'm short on cash. Buy a 5 dollar meal that fills me up for 6 or 7 hours if necessary.
 
2010-03-18 02:35:32 AM
Does anyone here remember the stinkymeat project?
 
2010-03-18 02:52:12 AM
brantgoose: How to preserve food. Four things the human race learned in prehistory:

Dry it.
Salt it.
Sugar it.
Store it in fat or oil.

And a fifth which does not apply to McDonald's Happy Meals:

Smoke it.

Modern preservatives and anti-biotic agents have nothing on the good old-fashioned salt, fat, sugar and dehydration. Of course, it helps to freeze food as well, and keep it away from heat, light, and air.

Of all the vegetables, the potato is the best designed to be preserved because nature designed it to be preserved IN SOIL. You don't have to powder, flake, or salt it. Once it dries out, it will survive as long as a Peruvian mummy. But it'll survive in an edible form for most of the winter at the right temperature and humidity levels.

Of all the meats, hamburger that has been heavily processed from the carcasses of a thousand different cows is the most durable. The patty form not only allows for quick, thorough cooking, but whatever they do to the meat from the slaughterhouse to the table is designed to make it tasty for about two minutes, but germ free for life. McDonald's french fries have more salt, more fat and more sugar than a home made potato, which is bad nutritionally, but is great commercially because that's what the human body craves and that is what makes a product which can be frozen and cooked and left to dry out for a year or more without the slightest risk of bacteria, mold, fungi or other threats to human health growing in it.

To quote Mr. Chainsaw: Shenanigans!

Morgan Spurlock used the same trick in Supersize me! (besides cheating on his diet). He displayed McDonald's frenchfries that had been kept in a bell jar for a long time.

The parents of an acquiantance of mine from many years ago had a piece of their wedding cake under a glass bell. It was older than I was and may still be there. The reason it survived so long is that it is full of sugar, dry, and kept in a controlled and fairly sheltered environment. A box on a shelf would be nearly as good. Just don't get it wet.

Does this mean that McDonald's food is full of nasty poison chemicals that will kill you? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesn't HAVE to be because it uses techniques for food security and preservation that the human race developed over thousands of years in imitation of the techniques used by nature.

The McDonald's hamburger is testimony to the great skill and dedication of modern industry to keeping the fecal material in the cow in the abbatoir, and out of your food. If you were to eat cattle you slaughtered yourself or cattle slaughtered by a kosher butcher or a local farmer, you would be at much higher risk, especially if you cook it the way "sophisticated" non-Jewish people do--nearly raw and still bleeding.

None of these things: salt, sugar, fat, oil, nitrates, nitrites, etc., are good for you. But they beat food-poisoning all to bits.

Compare the shelf life of the fruits and vegetables that are the darlings of the monied organic crowd with that of the potato and processed meat and you will be able to see why the supply is cheap, plentiful, stable, and predictable--everything you want in a staple food except vitamins. And you can get those from the condiments and fixings.


And for a second I thought you might know wtf you were talking about. My bad.
 
2010-03-18 02:57:57 AM
ciderczar: Dihydrogen monoxide sounds terribly unhealthy, and can cause vomiting if taken in serious quantities. That doesn't actually make it a harmful thing to consume in moderation though.

Deadly when consumed in large quantities (it makes your brain swell against your skull), or inhaled in small quantities (it causes suffocation). In its gaseous form, it can cause serious burns. In its solid form, it can cause your extremities to turn black and fall off.
 
2010-03-18 02:58:54 AM
Keep your hands off my Big Mac Obama!!!
 
2010-03-18 03:11:57 AM
Did that with a quarter pounder when I was a freshman in high school.

/that was eleven years ago
//still have it, somewhere
///only thing that's changed is the dust content
////dammit, now I'm hungry
 
2010-03-18 03:12:06 AM
dissent/dysentery: brantgoose: ...everything you want in a staple food except vitamins. And you can get those from the condiments and fixings.
-.-.-.-
And for a second I thought you might know wtf you were talking about. My bad.


You'd be surprised at the levels of vitamin C in some traditional preserved sides and condiments. Seriously, both saurkraut and kimchi have lots of vitamin C, ketchup and other cooked tomato sauces have lycopenes. I think even pickled carrots and peppers have carotenes and vitA in them still. You might have some raging high blood pressure from the salt, but at least you won't get scurvy or nightblindness.

Pickled veggies: keeping people alive through the winter and early spring for thousands of years.

/I remember reading someplace that a diet of dairy products, cabbage and potatoes can keep a person alive almost indefinitely. They might fart a bunch, but they'll live.
 
2010-03-18 03:16:43 AM
Menjo_Bleeko: Cool Story Bro time.

My friend has a dog that's notorious for eating anything. He'll eat dice if they're left on the ground - and grind them into a powder in his jaws.

My friend had gone to Jack in the Box to get a meal. Typical JitB meal - fries, burger, and whatnot. He dropped a fry on the ground. His dog comes over, sniffs, investigates, and decides not to eat it. Apparently the dog didn't consider their fries food.

Carrying the experiment one step further, my buddy tore off a chunk of the meat of his burger - again, the dog sniffed, picked it up in his mouth, then spat it back out on the ground.

You know your food's awful when a dog doesn't recognize your meat as such.

Carry on.


My dog would happily eat that jack in the box your dog won't touch. Along with just about anything else edible or inedible. He ate a few AAA batteries once (luckily went straight through) so does that mean I should be eating batteries since my dog is telling me it's food? Let's all go visit Dr. Dog, he knows what's good to eat.
 
2010-03-18 03:21:42 AM
IrieTom: Does anyone here remember the stinkymeat project?

Oh yes. Not fondly, but yes.

Came for Zim references, leaving dissatisfied. :\
 
2010-03-18 03:24:00 AM
Bonzo_1116: dissent/dysentery: brantgoose: ...everything you want in a staple food except vitamins. And you can get those from the condiments and fixings.
-.-.-.-
And for a second I thought you might know wtf you were talking about. My bad.

You'd be surprised at the levels of vitamin C in some traditional preserved sides and condiments. Seriously, both saurkraut and kimchi have lots of vitamin C, ketchup and other cooked tomato sauces have lycopenes. I think even pickled carrots and peppers have carotenes and vitA in them still. You might have some raging high blood pressure from the salt, but at least you won't get scurvy or nightblindness.

Pickled veggies: keeping people alive through the winter and early spring for thousands of years.

/I remember reading someplace that a diet of dairy products, cabbage and potatoes can keep a person alive almost indefinitely. They might fart a bunch, but they'll live.


Let's not forget though, he was talking about the fixings that come with a McDonald's chzbrgr. This means a very meager amount of lettuce, tomato, and pickled cucumber. I would probably eat at McD's if they offered Kimchi, but it'll be a cold day in hell before someone convinces me the shiat they offer there constitutes any sort of balanced diet. I could care less how poor someone is, there is no good reason to sustain yourself on that filth. Granted, if that is just what one likes, well, then, all the power to them.

/eats a lot of different things...all contribute to farting
 
2010-03-18 03:30:23 AM
dissent/dysentery: I would probably eat at McD's if they offered Kimchi,

The best fast food chain I ever ate at has a kimchi burger:
farm1.static.flickr.com

I love the shrimp burger there like Maude loves Harold.
4.bp.blogspot.com

I would move into a Lotteria if I could.
 
2010-03-18 03:39:09 AM
Bonzo_1116: I would move into a Lotteria if I could.

Really? After 7 months I still haven't been to a (Japanese) branch. I was told they weren't that good. I'll have to try it out.
 
2010-03-18 03:45:54 AM
jingks: Bonzo_1116: I would move into a Lotteria if I could.

Really? After 7 months I still haven't been to a (Japanese) branch. I was told they weren't that good. I'll have to try it out.


I'm not sure if Japan can really master the ethos of mass produced shiatty-for-you food. Korea has that locked in tight. Deep fried, spicy, salty. Good with beer. We even found what may very well be the best bagged snack food on earth, the Nong-Shim brand funyun things.

We didn't get to Japan, so I don't know what's different in their Lotterias and other assorted havens for junk-food.
 
2010-03-18 04:00:40 AM
Bonzo_1116: dissent/dysentery: I would probably eat at McD's if they offered Kimchi,

The best fast food chain I ever ate at has a kimchi burger:


Daaamn. I've gotta try that now.

/loves me some kimchi something terrible...
 
2010-03-18 06:54:44 AM
rcain:
expand your food-penis size with this one easy to follow self help book^


thanks for posting that , I didn't know there were US editions of River Cottage cookbooks.
 
2010-03-18 07:16:13 AM
Danger Avoid Death: "When one-year-old you get to be, look as good you should."



My son just got that one last week in his Happy Meal. He prefers McNuggets, which prolly have an even longer shelf life.
 
2010-03-18 07:28:41 AM
Bonzo_1116: dissent/dysentery: I would probably eat at McD's if they offered Kimchi,

The best fast food chain I ever ate at has a kimchi burger:


I love the shrimp burger there like Maude loves Harold.


I would move into a Lotteria if I could.


Sadly, I didn't discover the wonders of Lotteria until right before I moved back to the US from Vietnam, at which point I started wishing that I'd gotten my lazy ass on my bike and ridden the few kilometers to get there sooner. If they had offered delivery, I would have probably ended up ordering it all the time, so it's probably good they didn't.

I wish somebody could explain to me why it is that I can't stand McDonalds, always wish I hadn't eaten there when I do, and yet I still get intense cravings for double cheeseburgers every so often. Why do I crave something I don't even like?
 
2010-03-18 08:03:55 AM
I think the author will be featured on Hoarders soon enough...
 
2010-03-18 08:37:16 AM
Jakevol2: You have to be really careful about eating clams past their expiration date. You should avoid anything that is older than 14 years.

Why don't you have a seat over there?

cjhallman44.files.wordpress.com
 
2010-03-18 09:24:26 AM
$180 per month gets me 25lbs of free range, organic, locally produced meat from Sonoma County

Thas ok, but what happens on day 6 when you run out of meat?
 
2010-03-18 09:25:44 AM
Twigz221: I could go to the grocery store, buy a bun, some ground beef, a potato, and some salt. I could cook it all up, salt it heavily, and leave it in a dry place for a year, and it would look no different than these pictures.

I only use naturally occurring low-calorie salt.
 
2010-03-18 09:30:18 AM
Igor Jakovsky: When I was in college, I was cleaning out the trunk of my car. I found a McDonalds bag and lo and behold there was a double cheeseburger in it, still wrapped. I opened the wrapper and expected to see a nasty mess. What I found was a perfect looking double cheeseburger though it was hard as a rock. I checked the receipt in the bag and it was over a year old. Behold the power of salt and preservatives.

/live in Florida, would have expected a different outcome.


So, how did it taste?

You said you were in college. There are expectations of college behavior you know :)
 
2010-03-18 09:42:01 AM
And the nominations for best insult of the day:

TsukasaK: you marmot-felching cocknose shiatfarker.
 
2010-03-18 09:55:37 AM
IrieTom: Does anyone here remember the stinkymeat project?

Catlike Typist: Oh yes. Not fondly, but yes.

I remember that, but I'm somewhat surprised that anyone else had ever seen it. I assumed that like Scottland (a brilliant fan-made Scott Thompson website) and Professor X (a Dr Who parody) I was pretty much the only person that knew they existed even when they still existed.
 
2010-03-18 09:57:16 AM
Well, stinkymeat still exists.
 
2010-03-18 10:39:12 AM
katerbug72: This is a two year old cake.

Is that Cherry Chip? If so that happens to be the best cake ever.

ever.
 
2010-03-18 10:45:18 AM
probesport: katerbug72: This is a two year old cake.

Is that Cherry Chip? If so that happens to be the best cake ever.

ever.


It is. A friend of mine baked if for my birthday one year. I don't care for that kind so I left it on the counter a little too long and then discovered it had been mummified. I pull it out every year now and we laugh heartily about it. The cake is now five years old and not looking quite as fresh. It's a lot more yellow now.
 
2010-03-18 10:49:54 AM
ever
 
2010-03-18 10:53:36 AM
Incorruptibility is a qualifier for sainthood.

WTF.
 
2010-03-18 11:30:42 AM
Ancient peoples would have celebrated this as a farking miracle, not biatched about it.
 
2010-03-18 12:19:04 PM
It dries out before mold can overcome the preservatives. Once it dries, mold can't form because there isn't enough water.

Fast food is disgusting. Not surprised to see a lot of farkers who no doubt eat this shiat, try to play it off and get defensive.
 
2010-03-18 12:22:25 PM
asmodeus224: Fast food is disgusting. Not surprised to see a lot of farkers who no doubt eat this shiat, try to play it off and get defensive.


You forgot to bring up Fast Food Nation.
 
2010-03-18 12:22:43 PM
BarryJV: TsukasaK: you marmot-felching cocknose shiatfarker.

In all honesty, I stole that from someone else on this website a week ago.. unfortunately I can't remember their name :(

/will the real marmot-felcher please stand up?
 
2010-03-18 12:23:30 PM
imfallen_angel: rcain: Has nothing on the 4-year-old happy meal^

Approves

/no additives used in our meatpies


I have a couple additives for her meatpie. Yum...
 
2010-03-18 12:27:56 PM
vossiewulf: Has to do with all of the salt (you do remember they used to preserve meats with salt?) and probably a relatively dry environment. Get bread dry quickly and it will never mold. Get meat and potatoes dry relatively quickly while covered in 142 grams of salt, and they won't spoil either, they'll mummify.

Yeah, basically. Over time, the McBurger just turns into a slab of jerky between two croutons.

I call shenanigans on the "never smelled bad" claim, though. I only had to leave some uneaten McFries in my car overnight once to conclde that the aroma of putrefying starch and vegetable oil was not something I enjoy...
 
2010-03-18 12:44:49 PM
i have some friends who have made a game of passing a McD apple pie back and forth in creative ways. it started off as hiding it in each other's desk or glovebox and what not. gotten more interesting now that they live 4 hours apart. they've been doing this for over 12 years and it still looks brand new.
 
2010-03-18 02:41:03 PM
rcain: Has nothing on the 4-year-old happy meal^

You know, I make burgers pretty frequently, at least once every couple weeks.

I get free range grass fed beef direct from local farmers. I make my own dough, and one half batch of dough can make me one whole loaf and one or two awesome hamburger buns. I make my own fries for my steak and frites passion about once a month, using organic yellow russets and organic peanut oil that are locally produced.

I should document my manufacturing of all the ingredients to make a hamburger and fries from scratch using fresh, organic produce, meats and grains, put the meal in a time-capsule and then open it after a year.

Then, we can see a control study to compare these results to.
Unless of course, someone has already done this, and if so, please post.

And for those thinking I must spend a fortune on my food: I live in SF, which is way above US median for living and housing costs and spend about $4176 per year on my food. $180 per month gets me 25lbs of free range, organic, locally produced meat from Sonoma County, I spend an average of $40 a week on fresh organic produce, dairy and flour combined. Which is about 12% of the median annual income for the US in 2007^. So comparatively, my food costs are minimal in accordance to my income and local cost of living and housing expenses.


Do you have to be at the gym in 26 minutes?
 
2010-03-18 04:19:25 PM
Tony_Pepperoni: My daughter did an experiment she heard about in school. She put a slice of bread in a baggie with peanut butter on it and one with jelly on it in 2 separate bags. After 6 weeks the one with peanut butter was all black and green, the one with jelly looked the same as the day she put it in there?

/I don't get it?


I'm assuming the oil in the peanut butter went rancid and the sugar in the jelly preserved the bread.
 
2010-03-18 06:40:00 PM
I love my high-protein diet. EGGZ, tuna, OATZ, greens and other vegetables, fruit for fiber and other vitamins.

But you're a tool who enjoys sniffing your own free-range farts if the taste of a fattening, nasty, preservative-laden McDonald's burger doesn't sound just DELICIOUS sometimes.

/Super Size Fries
//Dr. Pepper
///Yes I'll have the hot apple pie, too.
 
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