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(Redline)   "My name is Ulrich Haarburste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film."   (michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk) divider line 74
    More: Weird  
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4608 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Apr 2003 at 9:30 AM (11 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



74 Comments   (+0 »)
   

Archived thread
 
2003-04-27 08:56:43 AM  
"Those that can, do. Those that can't, do performance art."
 
2003-04-27 09:34:14 AM  
"It always starts the same way."

Indeed.
 
2003-04-27 09:34:57 AM  
....

This is almost as bad as Star Wars slash.

*Reads first page*

Correction, worse.
 
2003-04-27 09:42:23 AM  
hmmm, some submitter's been reading portal of evil. anyway, it's a joke. go to the root site (take off the karl.htm? at the tip and hit enter). there's some funny stuff in there.
 
2003-04-27 09:44:00 AM  
Is there anywhere on the internet this hasn't been posted?
 
2003-04-27 09:44:14 AM  
This isn't too funny. My advice is go back to the main page and read Michael Kelly's other stuff. Most of it is much funnier than this.
 
2003-04-27 09:44:15 AM  
this was also something awful's 'awful link of the day'
 
2003-04-27 09:44:16 AM  
I wanna meet his man! That was some funny farkin stuff!
 
2003-04-27 09:45:25 AM  
My name is Ulrich Haarburste and I am a freak. A big stinky freak!!!
 
2003-04-27 09:48:32 AM  
'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.

'You win the bet,' says Roy, muffled. 'Now unwrap me.'

'Not for several hours.'

'Ah.'


And people say that there is nothing worthwhile on the interweb (besides teh pr0n!!1!).
 
2003-04-27 09:48:58 AM  
I like Kelly's other stuff too... but i love this. It's like seeing being john malkovich that first time... it kinda makes a giggly huh noise when its all malkovich,malkovich,malkovich,malkovich...etc...
 
2003-04-27 09:49:36 AM  
"My name is Ulrich Haarburste and I am a freak. A big stinky freak!!!"

I don't think Ulrich is a real guy because Haarburste is german for hairbrush. Not a very likely german nachname.
 
2003-04-27 09:51:46 AM  
"Roy Orbison sits impassively like a monochrome Buddha. My palms are sweaty."

Wasn't that line stolen from a Mark Leyner book?
 
2003-04-27 09:53:12 AM  
Yeah... and who would ever believe someone was named Roy Orbision!?

j/k
 
2003-04-27 10:05:08 AM  
Is Fark running out of nice articles......come on drew wake up
 
2003-04-27 10:07:05 AM  
wow, fark was way behind on this one....come on, people!!!
 
2003-04-27 10:08:48 AM  
Subneural, "Jetta" is the name of the guy's dog.
 
2003-04-27 10:09:23 AM  
Errr I mean tortoise.
 
2003-04-27 10:10:52 AM  
Those stories were SO HOT!!!

/giggles like schoolgirl.
 
EMP
2003-04-27 10:13:19 AM  
Subneural

A Terrapin is a turtle like creature with fins instead of legs.



Apparently his is named Jetta.
 
2003-04-27 10:22:28 AM  
Yep, the WEIRD tag nailed that one.
 
2003-04-27 10:30:16 AM  
Wouldn't a turtle like creature with fins be called a 'turtle'?

Wouldn't turtle like create with legs be called a 'tortoise'?
 
2003-04-27 10:36:44 AM  
no hhes a tortose

"terrapin

\Ter"ra*pin\, n. [Probably of American Indian origin.] (Zo["o]l.) Any one of numerous species of tortoises living
in fresh and brackish waters. Many of them are valued for food and shelter. [Written also terapin, terrapin, terrapen, terrapene, tarpin, and turapen.]"
 
2003-04-27 10:36:50 AM  
Gotta love the memepool posts.
 
2003-04-27 10:38:10 AM  
 
2003-04-27 10:41:57 AM  
I found that article extremely easy to store leftovers to.
 
2003-04-27 10:42:24 AM  
They say there is a market for EVERYTHING.
 
2003-04-27 10:44:09 AM  
Many of them are valued for food and shelter

I can see eating a terrapin. But how big are they?
 
2003-04-27 10:47:25 AM  
I saw a turtle.
 
2003-04-27 10:55:00 AM  
I was listening to "Terrapin Station".
 
2003-04-27 10:55:10 AM  
You too?
 
2003-04-27 10:57:43 AM  
I found myself strangely aroused by that, do you think there's something wrong with me?
 
2003-04-27 11:01:54 AM  
he's last name means: Hair brush in german. wtf
 
2003-04-27 11:16:27 AM  
Humans have a tendency to state and repeat the very, very obvious, such as "It's a nice day," or, "You're very tall," or, "Oh dear, you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you alright?"
 
2003-04-27 11:36:49 AM  
'Are you perchance a doctor?'

'No. I studied at a catering college for some years but was forced to leave for reasons I prefer not to disclose.'

Weird. When I was in Europe last year I saw a story on German TV about "mann paper". It was some kind of funnel shaped toilet paper that men should use to keep from urinating all over the place. Some really strange old man was hawking it.
 
2003-04-27 11:49:40 AM  
WTF?
 
2003-04-27 12:21:54 PM  
This is completely ridiculous. Roy Orbison has been dead for years.
 
2003-04-27 12:25:08 PM  
Like a few other people pointed out - it's a joke by a writer named Michael Kelly. Read his stuff, It's great. Unless, of course, we farked his site...
 
2003-04-27 12:27:19 PM  
wow.. fark sure is good as posting internet memes just as they're not funny anymore..
 
2003-04-27 12:33:54 PM  
Bizarre, to say the least - now unwrap me.
 
2003-04-27 12:34:33 PM  
Speaking of turtles, I hope any of you who has an aquatic turtle provides them with enough water to actualy swim and not just to sit in a puddle of it like they have at the pet shop.
 
2003-04-27 12:36:29 PM  
Rudezombie: They do it for decorayshuns that's it and that's all...
 
2003-04-27 12:37:32 PM  
Is there anyone else who couldn't help reading these in the voice of Mike Myers as Dieter (from SPROCKETS)? Especially the first one.



'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.

'You win the bet,' says Roy, muffled. 'Now unwrap me.'

'Not for several hours.'

'Ah.'
 
2003-04-27 12:37:39 PM  
haha, thats exactly what I had in mind, too.
 
2003-04-27 12:54:35 PM  
Roy Orbison's family should sue this wrapster.

Hey, wait a minute...

/duh
 
2003-04-27 12:59:58 PM  
Germany's Most Disturbing Cling-film Stories... AAAAAGGGGH!
 
2003-04-27 01:05:50 PM  
this is from 5 days ago... why is this site sometimes so slow in posting stuff?
 
2003-04-27 01:17:47 PM  
It's pretty weak when Beloit College's student newspaper beats Fark to the punch.
 
2003-04-27 01:24:29 PM  
Hey, who doesn't like to write stories about Roy Orbison in cling wrap? You should read my trilogy about Little Richard encased in a ziploc bag.
 
2003-04-27 01:29:45 PM  
If you think that's bad, he has erotic fiction about George Bush and Jacques Chirac too.

This stuff is great. It's a wonderful parody of all the "erotic" (read: "stupid") fan fiction on the Internet.
 
2003-04-27 01:51:03 PM  
Roy Orbison. Man he was ugly but the man could sing.
 
2003-04-27 02:13:34 PM  
Covered in plasic wrap?? aaaaaaoooooowwwwwwwwww!!!



I think I have a turtle-head pokin' Out
 
eps
2003-04-27 02:37:45 PM  
seems perfectly normal to me.
 
2003-04-27 02:55:36 PM  
Roy stands. 'Commence.'
I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.
'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.


David Lynch, is that you?
 
2003-04-27 03:13:45 PM  
The only other person to notice it was ZygoticMynciBoy, but this was clearly ripped off of Something Awful's Awful Link of the Day.

Bah.
 
2003-04-27 03:18:59 PM  
bah! i submitted this DAYS ago and was told no thanks. oh well my headline sucked anyways.
 
2003-04-27 04:05:22 PM  
To get serious for a moment, Michael Kelly died in Iraq. It is interesting to think that this venerated reporter had such a funny side to him.

RIP.
 
2003-04-27 04:08:03 PM  
For anyone who wants to know, "Haarbrste" means hairbrush in German, so the name translate to Ulrich Hairbrush.

/useless fact
 
2003-04-27 04:11:21 PM  
But if you switch the and the R in his name, you get Haarbrste, which means hairbreasts. Now THAT is something!
 
2003-04-27 04:12:14 PM  
But if you switch the u and the
 
2003-04-27 04:15:22 PM  
What's happened to Wuzupperson? Has there been another terrorist attack?
 
2003-04-27 04:27:35 PM  
My German keyboard was trying to get back for typing German letters!
 
2003-04-27 04:30:43 PM  
By the way, RandomBob, nice bio... did you make the error loop yourself?? ;-)
 
2003-04-27 04:50:12 PM  
I love his essay on Why I hate the Internet. The best part is:

'Here is my gerbil, Gross Domestic Product of Brazil.'
 
2003-04-27 04:50:59 PM  
Nah, it just does that for some reason. Ask Drew why he's mixing SQL Server and perl.
 
2003-04-27 05:04:30 PM  
And what was supposed to be in you bio, then?
 
2003-04-27 05:34:17 PM  
I don't think Ulrich is a real guy because Haarburste is german for hairbrush. Not a very likely german nachname.

*shrug*
Not everyone uses their real last name on the internet. It's not very likely anybody he associates himself with knows he does this.
 
2003-04-27 05:51:35 PM  
The pleasure is unexampled
 
2003-04-27 08:42:12 PM  
Mama doesn't know that I have a tattoo of Roy Orbison on my ass. What mama don't know, won't hurt her.
 
2003-04-27 10:52:40 PM  
the funniest article of michael kelly's is the one on the "secret" page, there is a single underscore that links to a blank page at the end of the list of articles, press ctrl A to show the text... or just click here... read Archbishop

John Major pushed his way through the throng that had gathered.
.."All right," he said, "what's going on?"
.."They attacked me," Clinton wailed, hauling himself shakily to his feet.
.."He started it, John," I said. "And His Grace had nothing to do with it."
.. "He punched me for no reason," whined Clinton, "and then the faggot in the dress," - this in reference to the Archbishop's episcopal regalia - "hit me with his stick."
"Dress?!" snarled the Archbishop, straining against the arms holding him, his face contorted with rage. "You fat shiathouse, if I'd hit you you'd still be on the farking deck."


i piss myself laughing every time i read this story. ANd it got me into The Pixies
 
2003-04-27 11:16:56 PM  
-Hoyab

In the internet neighborhood, Fark is like the corny soccer mom who's still doing the macarena..

Of course I am a member here, so what does that say about me... eh, least I don't pay for it?
 
2003-04-28 12:43:12 AM  
Wrap your head in Cling Wrap.
 
2003-04-28 04:45:56 AM  
This is so laaaame!

I read this five days ago on my favorite blog, then four days ago I saw the link on seventy three of my other favorite blogs, then three days ago I saw the same damned link over on Something Awful, and then I found it on three hundred and twelve other blogs I read frequently, then it's on Memepool and then it's on Fark!

Geeze, Fark, you need a life.

...like me.
 
2003-04-28 08:12:02 AM  
This completely ruins my idea of making a website full of stories about Johnny Cash wrapped up in aluminum foil.
 
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